Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Thanks fool I guess I had thought he had given up trying to control me but he has spotted a way to do that again and have hurtful things said about me. Not one thing in any communication has ever mentioned anything about love for DS. Even the gift he sent him which was the first contact we had was connected to a hobby he has and nothing DS is interested in, confusing DS as well as frightening him as the FW came to the house and left it at the door - as thank the angels we were out.
I hope at some points I can offer something back. Just feel low tonight think it is because I watched One Born Every Min.... it makes me remember a very hard time too.

Being here is all the qualification you need. You give in the rest of your life, here you don't have to. You are allowed just to be. If the thread becomes an obligation where would we go for a rest? The time may come when you want to support others. just now, be supported.

Often lurking on this thread. Learning about my so called relationship from all of you and some great books recommended on here. Hope it's ok to share this little nugget.

Kitty: you've been very nice for the past week.
Fw: I want us to get on. And i want us to go visit my family in x country.
Kitty: I won't be going, as I've told you, because of the lies you've told your family about me and our relationship.
Fw: (face like thunder - finds Dd2) dd2 we can't go to x country because mummy doesn't want to go.
Bangs doors. In a rage. Murderous looks. Goes to off license and takes bottle of wine to bed.
Kitty...still calm, now understands why it's been such a quiet week...

Sorry for barging in. Lovely kind and well deserved words fool

Ah, the calm before the demand before the storm
Well done for keeping cool in the face of it

Thanks fool. Think it is one of those emotional nights tonight's I have gone weepy now. Guess we all just want it to just go away or someone to press pause for a break or have a magic wand and it all changes. I do think just run away sometimes but I can't.
I have some good friends in the RW but I don't think they really understand, sometimes it sounds far fetched to me and it's me and it is real I know I am living this.

Thank you. Let's see how I can detach through the storm. I'm quite reactive. It's a steep learning curve.

leclerc well done, lovey, that was excellent re the counsellor. Seems like she is not all that familiar with ea situations but you put her right and she then put fw right

nora well done on house fantastic news! I know how scary it feels, but from the outside it is a massive, positive step forward

I'm a bit in crisis. My ds has been having melt downs on a massive scale (nothing like his normal little boy tantrums) - awful, saying he hates me etc etc. He hates the flat, can't stand it, just wants to be "at home". I am questioning my sanity. When this temp accom finishes, should I go home and divide house into two flats so kids have security of their home as they're really suffering? And why should I be baddie taking them from their loved home, while fw sits being the goodie in the home, when he drove us out in the first place - but of course I can't slag him off to dcs as that's bad for them and I love them more than I hate him?

Or should I take the permanent place which is at least near our home, not miles away like this temp accom? Money's an issue too and dividing the house while we get divorced seems safer financially. There's no way I'm getting back with fw, EVER, I would only share house if there was a front door installed between our two flats, which I can easily arrange (he'd never get round to it!) Then I could get him out.

Oh feck I'm so confused and distressed

You did very well staying calm Kitty it is where I went wrong when we were together. I didn't. I didn't understand it all then. I do feel I have changed now and as things progress with court he may have a shock. I have said nothing so far - radio silence as I learned on here.
Hope DD2 is ok Kitty.

hi Kitty - I recognise that scenario! Well done for sticking to your guns. It's bloody awful though, isn't it Your post has helped me remember the constant evil pressure and why the new house might be best even though it's so bloody awful at the moment!

Hi Breathe when my FW reappeared in the way he did it upset my DS. When I foolishly did start to talk about contact as the solicitors letters were coming in thick and fast and I knew this situation wasn't going away, my DS was mad as hell with me as I couldn't put it right. And I couldn't. (he didn't want to see FW) Your sanity is not in question but DS can't understand as you can't tell him everything. What to tell my DS and what not to is hard as you just want them to feel better.
I saw a councillor and his advice regarding my DS and very bad meltdowns was to put aside the issues that had caused it for a while and just put boundaries back in place which I know is different in your case because there has been physical change. But you are doing what is right for your DS - it isn't where you live but the love that is there that is important. On top of the problem I found the added problems just adding to the exhaustion but he has settled and quicker than I thought. How old is your DS? mine is 7.

Yeah, that resilience that Fi mentioned - I'm not sure I've got enough to move house, start a job and support the dcs as they adjust to the huge change I'm about to spring on them...

Am feeling a little low as my first application was not even shortlisted. This shouldn't be a big deal; it's normal for lots of people, I know, but the 2 UK jobs that I've done (before dcs) were each my first application. I've just found a news article saying that there are severe shortages for my subject.

My career history doesn't look good. But I've looked through the application forms for various places, and none of them has a section where I can explain that my life has been tangled up with FW's chaotic one and his controlling shenannigans for the past 12 years, but I'm about to extricate myself, so could they please consider it as a small blip?

Not feeling so sure about my plan any more and not feeling so happy about anything. Just can't believe that I can make a sensible decision by myself. And know I'll crumble at the first "this is all your fault!" from the dcs...

Thanks ladies

Love your name breathe . I would think exactly what you're thinking. But you need more than a door between you and fw. So sorry it's tough with your DS. He's bound to need time to adjust and to want things to revert to what's familiar. Hang on in there and the house sounds good.

Thanks better dd2 is fine and doesn't always take a lot of notice of him! There's so much to get to grips with and such a lot to learn. And even when you understand it more, it doesn't magically stop you getting pulled in. Night night, hope you can sleep.

You can do it Charlotte, will they not give you any feedback as to why you were not short listed? Maybe ask them outright if your career history was a factor? I always think it means something better is waiting. Is there any way, may be not lie but change how it looks if that is the case. I guess as we all move forward we will have to accept that as we find the will to do things they will not always go to plan straight away but they will very soon. I will try and remember to tell myself that as I struggle to sleep now.

charlotte a covering letter to explain the career gaps is welcomed when i short-list for interview (even when the application says no additional paperwork). The worst case scenario would be that they discard it...nothing lost, the best is that they take it into account...lots gained.

i think we see the resilience AFTER we've been through the rubbish. At the time you just don't know how you can possibly survive, when you look forward you can't see how you will survive but when you look back, that's when you see you HAVE survived, and even thrived. You can do it, you will get there and it will be good.

Better my ds is 8. A week ago he was my baby and now he's treating me like the enemy

Kitty thanks for your comments - they're helpful!

Charlotte don't do yourself down lovely - the job market is very tough and it's not you, it's the market. Keep at it, you'll get there

Children: they will let it out, if they don't it will be turned in on themselves in a destructive way. They take out their frustration and emotion in the place and on the person where they feel safest.

Years of witnessing/experiencing abuse and holding in the tension has to go somewhere.
Lundy bancroft "When Dad hurts Mom" has helpful advice. the main one being when they kick off hold them, love them, and touch them. later give possible ways of taking out frustration without hurting those we love.

My own hardest battle is not reacting to DS (9) as if he were my STBX but as a 9 year old with fear/confusion/anxiety when he talks/yells/hits me like his father did.

They will settle down, they have a lot of stuff to process. Stay strong (then have a strong one )

Thanks fool what you say is spot on. My DS is kind of channelling my fw which is why it feels particularly hard, as you say. But you're right, they take it out on those they feel safest with. With fw, ds has to be the fantastic son, or he gets abuse. His position as the golden son is very important to him as he sees how hard and difficult and punishing fw is when he doesn't get his way (like not speaking to kids for a week or two because they didn't leap to their feet and say hello one time when he came back from work)

He's sent a very fwittish email, which has calmed me, ironically! It's reminded me of his awful manipulation and subtle (at times, at others very blatant) cruelty.

Hello lovely ladies! I have been lurking on this thread since part way through number 13 and sadly I belong here with you too.

I am posting now as I can't live this life anymore, I don't have anyone in RL to tell and I have to get this out and I know that you will have wise words for me. I know this will be very long as it has been held in for so long so sorry and thanks.

In brief, I have been with my FW for 5 years we have a 21 month old DD, Fw is from ME and Muslim, we had a marriage ceremony at our local mosque so are not considered married really but we are IYSWIM? I never returned to work after DD was born and FW has his own kebab shop, he is a bastard with money, thinks he needs to sleep 12 hours a day and generally thinks he is the only person in the world who counts.
He has punched me once when DD was 8 months not since but I am sure months or years down the line he will again, he is emotionally abusive and financially abusive.

This last week, especially one incident today has made me post this and confirmed to me I need to rid myself of this man.

1 Before FW had this kebab shop he purchased in May last year he had another shop (general store type thing) which he shared equally with his friend and his cousin (all in friends name) he told me he sold his share to cousin to fund new business he purchased with the same friend (all in FW's name). Turns out this is bull and is cousin lent him money which he has now paid back. This really pissed me off as everyone else knew and I am made to look like a dick saying he sold it to people when they ask about work/business. Plus has even further angered his pleas of poverty as he has two sources of income

2 FW has a friend in another city who he visited last week and came home with all sorts of ideas. Friend has wife and child, married in mosque here so not recognised as married, the friend sent his wife to local council and job centre to inform they had separated but were still under same roof (put spare bed in childs room so it would look like it if inspection happened) so the wife now gets housing benefit, income support and tax credits as if she is single while the friend runs his own shop (all cash). Apparently this is the way to go forward I told FW no way but I am a slight concerned he will push me to it by with holding money further than he already does.

3 This is what happened today, why I can't sleep and am posting now, small in the scheme of things what with the dodgy business dealings suggestion of fraud but I know it is probably the nastiest one. I from time to time get I suppose you could say an abscess to my vaginal area I am sure this is caused by trimming hair too often/much (this is what a nurse practitioner i saw a while back said) but I have to do this, FW says so, it is a religious thing apparently to remove ones hair from that area, so I must, the only thing Muslim about him is he doesn't eat pork, no praying, observing fasts and other things that don't suit him! Every couple 6-8 weeks I get an abscess, normally it will be painful but go down in a few days (had to have one drained and antibiotics for one which were free as had maternity exemption) This one would not go and was painful so I went to doctors this morning and they gave me prescription for antibiotics, I have to pay now and I only had £5 so go home, wait for his lordship to wake up and asked him for they extra money, cue the, not ranting, he never shouts but his tone and words are cruel. He said he only had £2 change so I had to count the remaining 65p from a jar of coppers and cried all the way to the pharmacy.

This poor penniless many, everybody feel sorry for me I have a wife and baby and have to pay for everything, everybody tell me how great I am for putting up with such hardship. I just want to shake him and say thats NORMAL life and shout to everyone else who he seeks this attention and praise from that he will not give me 65p for antibiotics when he has maybe £200 in his wallet, £10,000 spread over several bank accounts and I am currently sleeping with another £10,000 stuffed under the bed.

I just want to be NORMAL

This is a huge post, I am so sorry but it had to come out.

I need a plan

Sorry Try

Resilience tank empty here. Only just submitted very shit overdue assessment.

seeking hello lovely lady, so to hear about what you're going through. You already know he's an abusive knob and being on here is your first step to freedom. Well done and welcome

Hello Fi well done on finishing the assessment! Time for and

I say again, I don't know what I would have done without you lovely lot This thread is my sanity!

Can you abstract any money from its hiding place seeking, for starting a getting out fund?

Fi no matter if it's shit, you have submitted it.

hello seeking

Just wanted to say hello so you might not feel alone tonight, in pain with all that you just let out.

Really sad to hear all that you are struggling with all that right now, don't know words to say, as a bit all out of myself right now, other than being very tempted at the thought of the £10k under the bed and a suitcase midnight flit?

Others will be along with wise words and support. You said you're at at the point of finally ridding yourself of him, which is the biggest positive?

take care x