Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

reassured to hear someone else not submitted yet also Leclerc !!! its getting so close!

Very mixed bag Fool but it is good to hear that you have come to this point, after all the things you have been to to get your life back.

good luck with busy day Leclerc

me... off to do exciting things like returns (possibly?!), amongst other, equally exciting things!

been through fool not been to of course!

Morning all, just a quickie to say hi and that I'm thinking of you all. Hope today is a good day for all. Lots of general FWerty here as usual, snow not too bad so going to try and sneak off later to storage place, at least if I have the unit I can get smuggle small bit and bobs in there until Dbro can come and help with loft/shed stuff. FW back at work and his course away is now rescheduled for next month. Please oh please let a house/flat pop up so I can plan to leave then!

Has occured to me, I have all these plans about leaving and dealing with the fall out/upset/stress for DC but nothing in place to help me recover from it all myself can I ask how did you all go about having councilling and the freedom programme etc. Also how do you get that score about how abusive they are? I'm a little out of the loop with regards to that side of things, I suppose a part of that little bit of me that sometimes crops up and denies anything is wrong has stopped me researching it Do you have to be referred by the police/social services? I always worry so much about the authorities and don't want them to get too involved in my case if you know what I mean. I feel at this moment it would make things worse them being involved but at the same time, think I need to speak to someone confidentially in RL. If I speak to police, do they not have the power now to press charges against FWs even if we don't want to press charges? The MIL has had lots of probs with FWs bro on that side of things and think it may push her over the edge if FW were to be banged up

Blimey sorry, that quickie turned into a longy!! Wishing you all a good day!

Ps-Fly thanks for all the info lovely! Pony thinking of you today at the funeral . Thinking of you all. Take care x

oooo Maggie hope the covert operations are all going ahead well today. You can insisst with the police to be anonymous, just get everything reported. They did try to insist with me to give personal details, but I really didn't want that only to get the details of incidents logged with them and they gave me a reference number (I later used that to tie up with other incidents, which are now held in my name because they attended a scene at my house when he came over forced his way uninvited and starting shouting abuse at me which alarmed neighbours heard then sent appalling emails saying how I'd made him do it, blah blah.. well you know the script ladies

More than a little worried that you are more worried about the fallout for anyone else, than yourself hun?! FW has taken all these risks again and again and again - he's the one abusing and risking his DM health, you mustn't take on responsibility for his consequences, although I understand where you are coming from on that. You have so much to manage with your DC and yourself to think about, I'm sure if she knew the full situation the last thing she would want is to have you burdened with worrying about her too? lines in sand for your own sanity! you are not doing this - he is I hope you can feel content tonight of good plans progressing well now.

:( Leclerc
I feel like this period is a bit like the bear hunt: we can't go over it; we can't go under it; Oh no, we've got to go through it.

No, all the knowing in the world does not make it easier. :(
But you and the children will make it, and it will get better - however long it takes

aw (((bear hugs))) Leclerc thank goodness thats over! AND so well done for speaking up, thats huge, just to say you didn't feel ready for mediation, and that changed the course of the rest of the mediation... AND then staying strong over the science decision. I know you don't feel like you're doing well, but it does look like it from where I'm standing, but then I can see progress without having the emotions to cope with too. On days like that I just look forward to the glass of wine! when bedtime comes and roll on another day, when there's less of a mountain to climb - but perhaps you could 'toast' yourself for climbing today's?

difficult job well done I reckon - cheers to that

umm hmmm. as hard as it is to keep going for them when struggling to hold it together, it tears me apart to see them suffer and then have to be strong for them.

First student! OMG is there no end to the resilience of this lady! you deserve good long rest tonight Leclerc

leclerc you handled today brilliantly and I'm so pleased she maintained boundaries and handled him. No doubt you are not surprised by the payback of he DCs being brought back late.

Evening all, not been online for a couple of days and the thread has moved on about 10 pages so I can't read it all but thank you for your support everyone who told me that I should take the house. The letting agency had written me an email asking when I wanted to come and sign the contract, and I was dithering about answering because signing a contract is so final. The point of no return, isn't it?

Then the letting agency must have got tired of waiting for my answer, because they called me and I had to say Yes or No. Making decisions is not and never has been my strong point and really I wanted to say I'd changed my mind but I thought of my girls ending up in a similar relationship when they are grown up and now it has been arranged that I move in a week on Friday How scary is that??? I want to curl up in a ball and cry in the corner. And apologise to H for annoying him and promise never to do it again and let life carry on as normal. But at the same time, a whole new life about to start and its really quite exciting!

Maggie I think it was, there was a poster who asked if I was a SAHM or worked and how difficult it was to rent a house. I am not in the UK so don't know how relevant this will be... I work, earn just a wee bit above the min wage and have been refused plenty of houses / flats before this one... not that I was really decided on leaving at that point, anyway.

This time, I dressed up smart and channelled my Scary Boss who always gets what he wants and not always by asking nicely, and just behaved like a person who couldn't imagine not getting the house. I even tried to negociate the rent down It may just be coincidence but I honestly think the attitude was the key, as my wages haven't gone up since the last time I applied for a house.

Arthriticfingers* yy to having to go through it. Mind over matter and all that, you know it's going to be difficult but it has to be done.

On a lighter note, colleague randomly took me out for lunch today. It was the first time in ages I'd had a non work related conversation with another adult

nora that is brilliant news, love the idea of chanelling scary boss.

leClerc what a day, hope you can get a bit of a rest soon.

I feel really bad just crashing in as I don't really know much about your situations or feel able to give advice given I don't know what to do myself.
It is just in general so exhausting.
I am still stunned I think that my ex can come back after all these years, blame me for everything and behave so cocky in court. I feel I let myself down last time, I was frozen to the spot but I didn't have to speak and I kept in a private room away from him most of the time. I am dreading the time when I have to answer questions. I know it is to protect my DS I am worried I will not find the strength.
If I am honest some of the fear and anxiety had never gone away I am trying to stay positive in that this process may help put it to bed as it has stopped other relationships. But I am finding it just so difficult to deal with a man that is prepare to lie to these extents even in court - that did surprise me. I am not sure if I can do this. I feel exhausted.

LeClerc you really do deserve that tonight, what a day you've had... but WOW you've handled it like a pro. I suppose there will be more 'challenging' days to come but now you know that you can confront them head-on and deal with it. Well done for standing your ground, even if it hurts at the time.

Nora it is all go now, isn't it! Stay strong, for your girls. Hope it all goes OK when you tell him you're going? It does seem so final, BUT you're making a very wise (and brave) choice. Do you have any support there?

Hope everyone else OK, I'm so grateful to be able to read about others in the same position as it is great to see others taking control of their situations. In my case it's been going on for so many years but until I found this site and posted about my problems I've not been able to 'talk' to anyone about it... a bit sad though re-reading my original post which brought it all back to me that not much has changed (except for DD now has an excellent uni offer ).

LeClerc you did amazing well today. I could feel your pain as I read what you did. It is only one step and that is what makes me sometimes feel I am not getting anywhere but I think you made a very strong point today.

yeah I have to aswell, but I had to give it up Leclerc cos I didn't have the resilience to keep doing that too; my studies too, fast disappearing down the pan.

to kitty mmm seems likely payback, sad aint it.

better the abuse and the heartache don't end just because the relationship does, not necessarily, but this will be a way to move beyond fear and control hopefully.

never mind whether you know us yet...you soon will if you stick around and we are all at different points in our life journeys. You are always welcome,and it is truly exhausting in a way that people who have "normal" relationships just don't get (even normal failed relationships).