Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Am only on here briefly (checking that I can still get to Cambridge fucking snow!!!), but had to reply to your post Leclerc. Sounds like a really useful conversation with the course counsellor. You are doing so, so SO well. I feel the same too about this thread, I really think I would struggle without it. I've been more open on here than anywhere. And I do think part of it is the sense of sharing - we are sharing what we've been through, but also share a common experience (sometimes almost identically) and that is very powerful. Sending you lots of commune-type ohhhhhms for the next few days, I'll be thinking of you all even though I'll be off the radar. Am feeling a bit shaky about the funeral, but gotta get through it.

Hugs to everyone.

take care Pony strength to you for next few days.

here, here, 2nding the 'power of the thread' only place its made sense to me (not to discount advisor atall! also up there with the power of the thread - heartwarmin to hear your description of yours too leclerc )

hi all, sorry to hear about so much pain and suffering for everyone at the hands of these FW's. maggiemay hope u are ok it sounds horrendous for you. just keep planning as you are and keep going.

its so hard isnt it am just so sick of crying all the time even when he isnt here and then the constant tension and pressure when he is.

i have decided in my heart i have to leave now i just have to try and gather the strength to actually do it. have to contact solicitors etc but it all feels so hard. i know its pathetic but any important stuff eg bills, council tax etc he usually deals with and he has worn me down that much that i dont feelcapable of sorting out these things alone.

its the total aloneness of it, no-one in the whole family is supporting me and i dont really have many good rl friends. it will literally be just me and the dc's thats it and i dont know if i can do that yet.

yummy I felt the same but honestly just take it one step at a time, and you will surprise yourself. Start with finding good sol (or have you got one?) - mine made me feel empowered each time I saw her.

leclerc, glad that FW talking inappropriately to DD2 has been recognised. Hopefully hearing it from the people on his course will make him realise how wrong this is.
pony hope you get through the funeral as best you can.
yummy could you get some advice on practical matters from the CAB?

Today FW has been to the solicitors. He has evidently been hoping that in the light of his 'nice' behaviour recently I will change my mind at the 11th hour. Today I got the whole spiel. How he loves me, I don't realise how much, he knows he's said some mean things to me, he knows he gets stressed and takes it out on me, can't I rethink etc.
I ended up in tears for the first time in front of him saying exactly what it has been like for me, the amount of times I went to work crying in the car, or he left without saying goodbye or launched straight into a rant upon arriving home without even saying hello.
He says nothing is irreversible and then, somewhat unbelievably, asked if I wanted to put the dc to bed at his and stay over and share some wine. Needless to say I declined. His solicitor is drafting the consent order. Mine wants me to go in to check it and sign it, but at 250 quid per hour I will be requesting it to be sent through the post.

I did too Yummy and at times it has been a lonesome journey, but I felt very alone (and scared/anxious/exhausted/no peace) before the split too.

I was amazed by the lovely people that I came across sensitive to what had happened (like benefits/council/support services).

Unbelievable match how yeeuuck! It makes my skin crawl when I remember after being screamed at relentlessly and reduced to tears he would get horny, eeuuww god awful - the way you described what happened with your FW today felt too similar [grimmacing]. What signals do they read that say. gosh you've made me all horny eeuww again sorry!

You've stayed so strong and stood up to all his trixiness. Looks like you got what you want to at the end of it all.

The sad thing is, he also referred to things I agree with, like he said he misses having someone to come home and talk about his day with, watch TV programmes we both like with. I just watched a film we would have watched and enjoyed together. I do miss that, but not at the expense of my mental well-being. I don't know if he truly realises how monumentally he has fucked up or if it's just a tactic to get back the life he quite liked before. Having someone to do all the shit he dislikes. Time will tell, if his behaviour towards me changes after the Decree Absolute, when it's all over. I do feel very wretched about it, even though it is absolutely the right decision.

This has suddenly hit a nerve for me (another one I hadn't realised i'd got!) I remember feeling so conflicted, what was it? I still don't think I understand, as I submitted to it ----euuurrrrugggghhh!

Going back to what I was going to say Match was that I understood the sentiments about companionship completely, but now I feel so cringed out I'm finding it hard to get a sense of that anymore.

so sad for tho that you feel wretched about it, i did too if its of any use to know that. I think you might feel the loss of what hoped it would be without all the shit, crazy, nasty, scarey bits sorry

Do I need to know what that was about? Its probably best not to, but yeeuuck, again.

I also don't understand my complicit response either ...oh gawd... [not] [vomit]

blindsided, yes, my word(s) - cos I can't use just one when I could use two for that 'floored/meltdown' both in frequent use recently

Its horrid, but that particular one I think I won't go below the surface of

Its this i think, the stuff popping up afterwards, that happens to the DC - only we get it in our conscious, they act out instead (on us, so double wammy) Gotta love it huh!

Hi Maggie in answer to your query, I basically took day off work and spent day in local county court and asked judge to squeeze me in as it was emergency. I had to fill in forms asking for temporary residency order and temp prohibition order to prevent fw from taking dcs out of country or collecting them from anywhere without my written permission.

I had to back up my request because judge couldn?t see why it was urgent, so I then handwrote a summary of the doings of the past week or so. My messy, scrappy handwriting was then photocopied and initialled by judge! And he granted the order, plus asked for it to be prepared before school pick up time.

It was all a bit surreal but not at all intimidating as I had thought it might be. The doorman was an old bloke drinking endless tea and doing advanced Sudoku, the judge was very chatty, the ladies at the desk were nice. There was one very scary lady but after I had whispered to her in a somewhat cowed (and embarrassed) voice what I was there for, she started calling me ?darling?

So in summary ? weird, lots of waiting about but not scary and a smaller hurdle once I was doing it than I had imagined. Go for it, lovely lady There?s lots of support and sympathy out there for us from the normal people of this world (as opposed to the fwittery we?re conditioned to accept as our due ) Oh yes and I had to present fw with a copy. I am meant to explain on my form how I presented it and send this back to the court. I am thinking of how to phrase ? in a professional manner - ?left under flower pot then texted when I was well clear!!?

You know what, lovey, I don?t feel I?m well clear yet. It?s baby steps for me still and I am as lost as ever. So please don?t think others are striding forward, clear sighted, wind in their hair, coz it ain?t true at all (in my case anyway!) . It?s a gradual, inching process. I was kicked into it by the final straw that broke camel?s back for me ? that moment will come for you too. I despaired of ever managing to get on the road to escape, but then it kind of happened. I think all this mental preparation we do on here amongst ourselves lays the ground for the final ?that?s it!? moment. I still doubt whether I?ll manage it though, I?m full of self doubt. I?m in temp accom, I still have to make that big scary step to permanent flat, which is hard when home is very seductive (not fw, don?t worry!) and fw is putting on his best reasonable, encouraging act. Don?t let me slip back, girls!!!

Phew , epic, as my ds says Now I?ll go on to read the rest of the thread.

Yummy yy to the feeling of total alone-ness. In my "prisoner" diary I read back to myself periodically, that's what comes through - despair and sense of complete isolation. But as I found, there are people out there, once we start talking. I had two members of family, which was great. But even without them (I mean thank God I have them, but talking hypothetically), the minute I told someone (one or two at a time, very discreetly), the support I continue to get is amazing, even from people I don't know that well. And we're here, so you are most definitely not alone [choc]

PS why am always the late night poster

not just you flyaway am lurking.
have just signed divorce petition, and filed my tax return (self employed) bit of an epic night!

I am mourning the loss:not of what was, which was abnormal, abusive, spaghetti head making F'wittery: but of what should have been, what I wanted, what the children deserved, and me too.

FW has done all the courses, "jumped through all the hoops" (his words) and now reveals himself as.....the same man, exactly, precisely the same man...except less happy maybe, but he wasn't happy before. What a waste.

After 15 months I still have a score of 16..........definitely time for the next stage.

fool bravo on the petition signing and the tax return Not just that but with your threads you have helped hundreds of despairing women. In my mind even more of an achievement!

YY I mourn the loss of what could have been, in a sliding doors scenario, had the fw let the decent side of him come to the forefront, not the controlling fw side.

But hey, without fwittery, us lot'd never have met, eh

we're in a lull right now. You know, the kind that makes you doubt your sanity. So I'm keeping an online diary of it all - so I can refer back to it and see all the things that tend to blur together into a mush when they're being "normal."

I'm going to have to do the residency thing and order so H can't take the children anywhere as well, and I just dread it. He'll consider it a declaration of war, saying "I would NEVER do that."