Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Fly - what a horrible, scary thing for him to say to you. Glad you can see it as the pure manipulation that it is - and I think it's quite desperate sounding too, he obviously is really struggling to see that none of his usual tactics are not working on you. Well done for getting yourself away from him when you needed a breather. Could you tell him all communication (barring essential info re the kids) must be done on email, and have someone else there with you during supervised contact, a relative or friend? Just an idea.

Maggie, do you think he can see that you are reacting differently to him now? It would worry me that he's not getting the reaction that he's looking for (ie evidence that you are completely under his control) so he'll step it up. Stay safe my lovely.

Have just sent FW the text telling him about Wednesday being cancelled.

Well, that was relatively painless, he's just texted back 'ok, nothing serious I hope' hmm... wonders if the girls have told their dad that DS1's grandad died...

However, he does say that he's getting the boiler fixed, he'll let me know what the estimate will be! Lordy, it's always something, now I need to speak to the solicitor about whether he can make me pay half of the boiler repair cost. Argh argh argh.

"In other news...FW has gone from asking us to try again and what can he do to make me love him again to then calling me a ugly ct user/leach and so on all whilst slamming stuff around the kitchen. This change was all in the space of 10mins."

maggie this is classic panic. I had literally every single abusers psychological trick in the book hurled at me in a car to Heathrow the day I dropped Ex at the airport. I sat there in a cool calm place in my head, ticking them all off.

The temptation to call Bingo was so great.

This was before I read the Why Does He Do That book too! I had however completed over a year of my Mumsnet Degree in Counter-Fuckwittery at the time and I sat there calling him out on every technique, naming them to him as he went through them.

I suggested that if he wanted to actually arrive at Heathrow, and not be deposited with all his belongings on the hard shoulder that perhaps it'd be more helpful and constructive for him long term to STFU keep quiet.

I'd never felt the way I did before that day, but the flashes of all MN kicking my arse strength kept me strong, kept me focussed and kept me on the path to freedom.

I knew if I caved, I'd have to face MN, and I knew I'd have let 'her' down I couldn't do that. I knew what I had to do, and I knew that it was the chance I had, and to grab it.

The physical pain I went through those days was excruciating, i was doubled up in pain, but that all went the day I closed the door behind me and put the chain on.

Now I look back and tbh, all that went before is irrelevant to me now. I was one of the posters that was on the first of these threads. My healing journey had just begun. I remember events like yesterday, but now I wonder if it were a dream, was I really that person, so terrified and alone?

Funnily enough, I can honestly say that as a result of my experiences, my life is better. Had I not been a victim of DV, I would not have been forced to look at myself, to do the Freedom Programme. I would not have done therapy, I would not have met the people I have met. I would still be vulnerable to falling for FWs. That will NEVER happen again now, and if ANYONE was less than respectful of me, they would be immediate toast. No second chances.

I lost my family through all this, I lost pretty much everything. But I found ME, I found the good in me, the fact that I AM good enough for me, for my son, and for anyone. Losing the negative in my life has been a liberation.

If there is anyone that disagrees, i couldn't give a stuff. If they don't like me, it's a poor reflection on them... Arrogant? kind of, but I know my value, I know how much I care for others, what I am prepared to do for those that need help, and I know how much that means. I know I'm a great person to have in anyone's life. I'm an excellent friend. Now that I am free.

Believe me lovely MNers, your life will get so much better when you leave, think about it, it can ONLY get better, can't it?

Please simplify your lives, simplify what you need and get out. everything else is irrelevant, only you and your DC and your collective freedom from abuse is important.

I see the pain here and I feel my old pain, but I know that realistically, it can (and must) be stopped at any time. All you have to do is be just a little bit braver, take a deep breath and take ONE step. the next step is easier, and easier, and easier. Before you know it, you are walking.

It's a bit like giving birth, at the end of the pain, one big push and you're out.

From then, things CAN get better again, there will be HOPE.

rofl! ha ha ha!!! you are hilarious. Have the kev & his knomes image in my head!

I don't know where you are but so want to give you a hand to make sure this happens. I suspect far too many miles away. I would imagine that your mum not driving and needing a stick to help her walk would find 100 mile trip extremely difficult?! She would do public transport all that way? wow! another with a super lovely mum.

ooo dear, terrible x post with yours Hissy (which was inspirational!) I forgot to put the name on AGAIN! my last post was in response to Maggie hope that was obvious

and Pony excellent news, we worry SO much don't we? phew! and if he's going down the route of looking for share of costs, then you also must go in with your own guy to get independent estimate of prob/cost or he could string you along in all manner of ways.

yes Maggie was thinking of your poor ma walking the 100 mile round trip in the snow! That is dedication. Mind you... I would if it meant getting mine out of the situation you're in right now

Hi all, am still new to all this but am learning quickly how controlling my DH is to me and DC. His mum has just been around, she is 72 and trudged here for 20 mins in the freezing snow. He didn't even get off his bloody computer to let her in the door. I made her a cuppa and chatted with her for the 90 mins she was here. He stayed on his computer (in the same room) the whole time except to tell DC off. He barely spoke to his mum at all. When she was leaving I said "I'm sorry he didn't get off the computer" and she just said "oh well I don't mind" He did come down to say bye but then DC dropped his pocket torch that he had left lying around and he starts shouting at her. She cries so he picked her up, took her upstairs and called her a baby! Now he is complaining that he is too tired to go for a run but that he needs to as DD won't go to bed early enough tonight for him to do yoga this evening. As if that is a major problem that I need to consider.

hmm.. yes Lahti , you are seeing it. What a $hit frankly.

I am wondering how am I going to carry on as normal while I sort things out. I mean trying to be cheerful for DC, sharing a bedroom with H, visiting family etc etc. It just seems an enormous task to unravel 12 years of this crap. Last time I made the mistake of joint counselling as it was recommended by Relate. Now it is all so much harder as we have a child.

Thanks. I will keep plugging away, my H doesn't hit me in fact in one argument he actually said "I would never hit you". It is just general criticism and negativity ALL THE TIME. Can I ask what does FW mean?

LeClerc, I can't agree more.

Going through the motions is a necessary part of it all once our eyes have opened.

On average it takes us 2 years to leave once we realise that we are being abused. Anything that can be done to shorten that period is worthwhile.

Lhati, it's not an enormous task, not in reality. It just seems like that. We are so worn down, so battered, it's hard to see anything. We CAN leave, anytime we like, and as I've said upthread, we have to.

It does feel against the grain to want to leave, but that is due to our being conditioned, we are so mixed up by these dreadful men that we are snowblind, we can't see which way is up.

It feels cruel to cut them off, but they are being cruel to us, and cruel to our DC. We have to put ourselves first, our children first and we are the only ones our children can rely on to do the right thing.

Keep plugging away love, it will come, your strength will come, your exit will come.

Keep detaching, keep focussing on the life you will have when you are free, imagine all the things you can do, the people you can talk to, the places you can see.

FW meansFuckWit.

Hitting us is kinder in comparison to what they are doing. He's damaging you more with his words than he ever would with his fists.

I'd sometimes provoke a fight, just to get it over and done with.

You can do this!

OK another me post sorry.

Just have to get it down before more kicks off.

DS asked to go sledding. FW had been watching footie all time they were here and didn't bother to go in garden to play in snow. I said we can't sled as it's getting towards dark and we have to drive through snow. FW then, to summarise the awfulness in very brief words... lay on floor, begging, praying and sobbing, asking me not to take kids "away" he can't cope. I was feeling scARED by irrationa;l behaviour to say the least and sent dd into car and carried shoelss, sobbing ds through snow to car. FW followed us out in slipped, sobbing and threatening what he was going to do (financial meltdown to be put in to effect tomorrow apparently) He then phoned us in car and begged again. I told him kids terrirified please reassure them. He said I love you so much kids but your mum is takinjg you away. Then to me he said he was stopping payments on my car and on everything else that comes from his account tomorrow and various other financial threats. OK gotta go to call him now we're home and kids with dm being calmed. [fuckit]

Hi Lahti you can do it, I have been with my FW around the same amount of time (13years) and we have two pre-school age DC. It has taken me a long long time to get to this stage emotionally and strength wise but I am now half way through my escape plan, you just have to keep your poker face on, the few times I've let it slip and he thought we were going he stepped up his abuse, despite him telling me and DC to get out many a time, he is just messing with my head and would become much more dangerous if he knew of my plan. Keep the poker face on, you will need to be a good actress, do your planning at 3am when he's snoring like I do if you have to. You will get there in the end. The hardest thing is taking a step back fron it all in your head and not letting him grind you down as much. Easier said than done. Good luck.

have to agree words are worse than fists the bruises go/fade but those evil words and mind games leave scars no one else can see or heal or truely understand unless also a victim of EA/FA/SA

OMG Fly what can I say? Thank goodness you are back with DM.

Sorry posted Fly oh god what an arse. Hope you are ok? Can you go somewhere public for mext contact visit so he won't make such a scene? Take care and big hugs for DC xx

fly I had all that crap too, threats of blackmail etc. He's now saying am I sure I want a divorce, cant we talk...
All buttons they push to see which one works.
I really feel you ought to have someone else take them for visits if possible. He's just using each opportunity to abuse you further.

fuck this is hard. Thanks so much foir support. It's so bloody hard but even so better than living death of imprisonment with him. I feel distraught and exhausted but also empowered and can think straight for the first time in 20 years. I just called him and said take car, take our investments, fuck up house, I would rather have a £300 banger bought by my dm and live in a one room flat that be threatened and blackmailed. I told him do everything you say and so be it, I do not care. No price is too high for freedom.

Fly, yes it IS hard, but you can do it, and it has to be done.

i don't think he will stop the payments, but you need to work as if he will.

Keep strong, stay free.

Expect more panic, it's textbook. They are usually full of shit though.

Keep posting, we'll hold you hand.

Thank you hissy and everyone. The handholding is much needed

My friend who recently got divorced said don't leave the house. I am seriously considering going back if and when the house is divided and divorcing him in situ. The idea of being out is bliss but as I am seeing from here, it doesn't take away the fwittery and if I'm on the spot I can fight for my house better (it's in my name) and also stop him melting down the investments which I (with help from him) built up. We have one jointly owned investment which we are selling to pay off our massive debts. In order to get him to sign and to clear situation so I'm covered, I think I need to go back in, albeit for six months or so and in independent flat within house. Strategic thinking here, not [panicked. Thoughts?

But my God this episode has empowered me. I will NEVER be bullied by him again. In the immortal words of Taylor Swift, "we are NEVER EVER getting back TOGETHER"!!!!! Sorry if I sounds mildly hysterical!!! I am free mentally. I have given instructions to sol for divorce.

Way to go Fly :) Solicitors advance on the word 'go'
I agree, Hissy FWs are full of the purest shit. Mine said he could get me arrested for leaving him ... abandonment, or some such shite
Fly have as little as possible to do with him with as much support as it possible to muster.\

fly, my thoughts are that you should apply for a residency order to get him out and you back in. Your fw sounds v much like mine and my sol said I never would have managed to get through this had I remained in the house with him. Wouldn't or be horrendous for the dc too, as I doubt he would let up?