Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

From what my dm has told me, I've managed to marry my dad despite not having seen him since I was 2! How does that work?!

Thinking back, my dad was very Jekyll/Hyde. I remember good times, but I also remember being sick to my stomach over worry that he was going to be angry at something. It was alleviated somewhat by him being gone for months at a time, as he was in the military for a number of years when I was growing up.

I think the thing we argue about just as frequently is that H expects much more grown up behaviour from the children than they are capable of. One's a toddler, one's in primary school (with SNs, and comprehension problem). He expects common sense, logic, and expects them to behave much like a child of maybe 12-14 or so, with the comprehension to go with it. Just isn't going to happen, so of course, the shouting.

"I read somewhere that a woman will stay in or go back to an abusive relationship as long as she feels there is something she can do to ?fix? it; until she feels she has done everything she can do, she won?t leave on her own. With my experience I can only say that the longer I stayed and the more times I went back the more severe and insidious the abuse got."

I would add to this that often the biggest reason a woman has to go back to her abusive FW is that she has NO support to do anything else.

Mostly, the reason we end up with these monsters is because we are conditioned by one or both of our parents to believe that we are not good enough, that we are an inconvenience, a pain, trouble, a nuisance. We are thick, lazy, fat. In short all the names that some of our FW call our children.

This means that on a level we believe it. on most levels in actual fact, only as we get older we may see that what they said/did to us was wrong.

Those of us here that have FW swearing and calling our children names, please know that they are being set up for a life as bad, if not WORSE than the one we are/have been living.

My Ex wouldn't tolerate 'bad' (normal) behaviour from a 2/3 year old. But he never called him names, hit him or anything. No. it was ME that was punished for DS percieved crimes. this made ME crack down hard on DS. I look back with shame at how harsh I was with him at times, but it was through fear of massive consequences for me.

Now that we are alone, DS and I, all is normal, he is a normal 7yo, with cheek/attitude and all the time out that goes with that.

I would NEVER allow anyone to swear AT him, or call him names. I know what damage it does to a grown woman, let alone a small child.

My dear fellow MNers, both here and lurking, i BEG you to get your children away from men that call them names, that swear and rant and rave at them. this is not their fault, but it will leave a lifetime legacy if YOU don't do something to stop it.

NOW.

Please, even if (like me) you had nobody to help you, no RL support, nothing, please get your FW out, or get yourselves out and keep out.

There is no reason on earth why DV is perpetrated in this day and age, there never was a reason. It can stop TODAY. It needs to be stopped. The only way we can start to do this is to reject those that are mean to us/our children, and show our children that (a) they are worth us fighting for, and (b) that the abuse is WRONG and they will need to reject it from their lives if it comes near them in future.

Doing nothing is NOT an option.

So doing take the baby with you to the solicitors, don't cancel the appointment, tell him it's a health check, anything, but go.

If you really can't go, then you will have to bide your time until he does leave the house, it's only a week or so, as long as you are in no physical danger, it'll be OK. Stay resolute, stay strong. This will be tough, but it's a DODDLE in comparison to the life you lead.

On the other side of all this is bliss beyond compare. I felt almost evangelical at times (and I don't do religion) it's such a rush, like Heaven on Earth. Trust me, no matter what, you have to get out. You have to save your family.

You think I'm doing nothing? I am doing everything I can at the moment! I cannot leave him alone with them, so I have precious little sleep as I have to deal with all of it, including the nighttime wakings of our DC with SNs. I don't have an appointment with a solicitor yet as I can't make the phone call while he's home. And he's still home!

I must make sure I have everything in order before I make a move, for the well-being of the children and myself.

Making me feel guilty is not helpful. I know I have to do something, which is why I'm trying to prepare safely.

doing Here is the last place anyone will make you feel guilty :(
Hissy's was a call to all those who are in an abusive relationship. Many of us spent years doing nothing, so we are most certainly not in the business of throwing stones - just to call out for freedom.

And Hissy please keep calling out: 'freedom for all from abuse and manipulation'
The only way is out!

Doing, that doing nothing comment was not aimed at you. Not any intention of mine to make anyone feel guilty.

What I need to convey is that we all know how hard those that are in DV relationships think it is to leave' but it really isn't that hard. 90% of what holds us back is fear. Itsthe hardest thing to get over, but you have to.

We ALL want those tthat are with abusers to get out. We know just how much you'll kick yourselves for each extra hour you spent with these bastards, how many tears you'll shed when you see how your dc were affected. Its horrendous.

WHEN you are out, you'll be amazed at how easy it actually was, and how any hardship encountered was and is worth it.

I see countless victims of dv wanting to line up all the ducks, but getting out safely must be actioned, not lost in detail.

Get an understanding of the finances you can get access to, the help you can ask for, find somewhere to go, and when. Womans Aid will help advise you, CAB is free.

I didn't think you were slaggin him off, Leclerc I was being slagged off in that scenario, not you slagging him off IYSWIM? Sorry.

I'd started out talking about the difficulties in discussing realities of badness of parents relationship and keeping that to ourselves, and ambled off into the me rant that I'd suspected but hadn't intended [sceptical] I think my point simply was, that a lot of what they actually hear, when either parent is mentioned can be very different to what we intend as they know the depth of conflict without understanding it. Even to asking 'did you have a good time with dad' or 'do you want to see him' are loaded coming from us and very difficult for them to answer. A path scattered with landmines!

Hi sorry quickly posting from bathroom during supervised contact. He has hugely pressurised me and cornered me into discussion and said- i am holding out olive branch- move back in with kids and I will never raise my voice or hand to any of u. If u don't tomorrow will be my crossroads. I will resign from job to cause catastrophic financial meltdown for all of us. I will use your panic attacks in my legal battle against u. I said that's not olive branch it's a disgusting threat and its still all about you not maki g best solution for yr family. I said MY olive branch is that tho I could t consider coming g back to live with u without break while u seek anger management t and yes we can try mediation. If u want kids under same roof we will divide house into two flats (house used ti be twi fkats so very easy ti do this) while we work oyt future but I must have separate livi g quarters and my own front door. He rubbished thus suggestion. So basically his way or meltdown. He was starti g to get angry so I extracted myself from discussion.

Sorry for me post and text speak am on phone in bathroom.

Well, Fly Thought I would give a considered, studied, educated and philosophically sound reply to your FW, and, after much contemplation, here it is:
F* him

Well done Fly for not giving in.

And yy to what arthriticfingers said.

Hissy do carry on telling people to leave. You can't hear it often enough, IMO. I am sure that you posted on one of my last threads, you told me to leave then, too. That was a couple of years ago, I think that you had only just left your H then. I am glad that things are better for you now

yy to the poster who said that the nature of emotional abuse makes it difficult to leave. I am 30 years old, no health probs, permanent (tho not well paid, above min. wage) job. I am not boasting here, but I don't have any of the obstacles that could prevent women from leaving. Yet H gets away with calling me all sorts of vile names, threatening to hurt me, does not like me going out except to work, supermarket shopping or park with DC... he has been like this for years. And I am still here.

Fly pointing out that contact visits are just that, and if he can't keep focus on quality time with DC frankly time over (can your DM take on the supervision, at times and places suitable for her?) as he's just abusing this contact completely in order to continue threatening and abusing you (presumably in front of kids, so they could think you are keeping them out the house??!! - which to us is obvious you are not!) take care. end of contact if he starts that.

sorry to hear Nora thats very sad. Do you know why H gets away with it ? Are you planning to have better for yourself, and putting an end to living like this?

Fingers re your considered advice yy!

yes FairyFi leaving is the plan I am currently looking for a place to rent - not easy as our area is quite expensive - but I will find. My decision is made and I will not go back on it. Especially as the DC are now starting to ask why H always angry, and why other dads aren't as angry as he is.

H gets away with it because I always thought it wasn't bad enough to leave. He goes through phases of being absolutely awful, then he's OK, then bad again. During the bad phase I never have quite enough time to decide to leave - and by the time I've decided, he's nice again. Until the next time. I read about this abuser cycle in one of the links at the top of this thread - its a classic thing apparently!

In 2009 I got a part time job after a few years as a SAHM, and he didn't like this. He started throwing things, and saying terrible things. I should have left at that point, before I got used to it. He is not violent ATM, though he will for e.g. shove me out of the way if he's impatient. This week he has been fairly polite and respectful. Next week, who knows? I have had a full time job for the last 2 years, and he doesn't like it even though we wouldn't be able to pay all the bills on his salary alone.

Oh Leclerc definitely no 'slight' here. but its such a huge minefield the communication between lovely kind good intentioned mum, & malevolent, manipulating (uncaring of consequences FW DH - in our situations) and the kids . yes, I am having that right now, feeling that DC behaviour is the same as FW !! AHHHH no, no ... its the FW behaviour thats the same as angry rude threatening hateful worst of a 2-16 yr old!!! but over 6 ft and doesn't hear/see the effects of it.

Great suggestion for the book Match, anything for the next age group up anyone? So believe in that - showing them things outside of their own situation to help give perspective, and new perspectives change everything.

I am so relieved to hear Nora ! fingers crossed, we all hang on tenterhooks awaiting these new homes to come up at the right prices as they are the path to the future (I am obsessed with pathways today!). Our 'key' out then instead hoping for yours any day now. Stay safe you all.

hilarious arth next project for you - line in humorous abuse cards!

in all seriousness, and consideration tho, y, F him!

Keep strong Fly - you are very brave to face him in this way as part of supervision after such short time away.

Fly, say nothing in agreement to that man.

You see what he's doing. Let him do what he likes, you'll survive it. You really will. There is no price too high to pay to get out. As long as we get ourselves and our dc our, everything else will work out somehow.

Keep going 0fli you are doing great. It is pathetic how he is using the kids contact time to threaten you basically. Don't rise to it, he wouldn't have the balls to do all the things he is saying anyway. Stay strong lovely

Well, it would appear I am also with a version of my EA father-the deluxe version, complete with extra FWerty features!

Great advice on here again today, but I would have to disagree about it being so easy to leave. I am having to make a long term escape plan for me and DC in order for us to stay safe. I sometimes feel like I'm Julia Roberts in that film 'sleeping with the enemy' except I can't fake my death as have two innocent DC to protect.

In other news...FW has gone from asking us to try again and what can he do to make me love him again to then calling me a ugly c**t user/leach and so on all whilst slamming stuff around the kitchen. This change was all in the space of 10mins. If I wasn't so detached I'd now be in bits sobbing. I now whilst still scared by his rapid change in behaviour but just see it as pathetic. The darn weather is threntening to put my storage plans to a halt on wednesday too will be difficult for DMum and DBro to get to my house to help with kids and loft emptying. Bloody snow please stop!

Ummm that top bit is for FLY not sure where Ofli came from! Sorry!

yeah Maggie, if we could only just cut our hair off, wear jeans throw rings down loo and hmmm, what would look like with a tash? They wouldn't recognise us?!

Awful to feel that way but no truer words than 'sleeping with the enemy' genius title for it. OH NO! so worried and for you that the snow might interfere with your vital plans .. grrrrrrr. Just hope that it doesn't come to that.

Well Fi now you mention it, I am actually trying to grow my own tash!!! (time for the wax strips to come out again!!) Just thought if I could grow a kevin webster one and then shave my head no one would realise it was me leaving with our stuff! May dress DC as gnomes too?? Would that be going too far?!!!

Yes defo need snow to pi$$ off now! DMum is going to look after DC for me whilst me and Dbro get everything out but she has to walk with a stick and doesn't drive so would make the 100 mile trip in snow difficult for her. Grr snow!

Errr I mean she would be coming by train not walking the 100 miles!!