Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hope everyone is well this morning.

It's going to be a very long day here. H is cross and letting everyone know it over every little thing. He won't go anywhere today due to the weather, so I'll be listening to it all day. Why does he have to be so miserable and irritable?

pm'd you pony

Is the snow a good opportunity excuse to go out all day? visiting friends, rellies, playing in snow,etc twelve ?

Maggie thats the spirit girl! - but be gone outta there with your pointy boobies style bra soon.

hopefully taking the children outside in a bit. he's out with the dog right now, so a bit of a breather. it's very jekyll and hyde today though. one minute snapping at children, next minute trying overly hard to be pleasant, then when i'm quiet, asking me what's wrong? I just can't switch gears that quickly.

Well done leclerc and may you put many more pupils in for exams in your bright, FW-free future.

LeClerc my shopping list is the same as yours! Hot choc at the ready, we bought it yesterday.

I have a weird situation now with H... he left early this morning before the snow to our 'other' house (sorry will try to keep it brief without TMI, we bought and renovated a house by a river last year, it is H's pride and joy to the extent that he is never happy in our 'real' house. The other house is our pension money) because he said he was so bored with staying here... he thinks we should all go out there (me, DD) but as DD couldn't take today off of school he said we should come out by train. I really don't want to go, traipsing across London to Paddington, then a train journey and having to carry wellies etc -- it may even be dangerous to go as it involves a boat journey to the house. Not comfortable at any rate. I love snow but not being cold and wet... I know the snow will be lovely out there but it is lovely here too. I am just hoping that the trains will be cancelled because of the weather, because if we don't go he will be furious and say why did he bother buying/doing up that house when no one appreciates it. It may be possilbe to go out tomorrow but the fact is, I just don't want to! We were out 2 weekends ago and it just wasn't any fun but he needs an audience, he cannot be happy just by himself. But why is it that he is the only one who matters? (apologies, am reading the Lundy Bancroft book so I know the answer to that!!) when DD and I clearly do NOT want to go, and unless all trains are cancelled (pleeeeease!!!) we'll be lugging wellies, bags, food etc onto the train tomorrow when we've got so much niceness here... ridiculous. Gah.

Anyway, hope the snow (if you've got it!) isn't hindering anyone and if you've got little ones ENJOY!!

PS meant to say, fantastic about the piano exams and good luck! Fingers crossed for your pupils!

anyway who can stay put should do so notmyname - I've got to go and retrieve DC from school which is 2 hrs round trip in blizzard conditions and really wish I didn't have to; being taken some way from the school by friends and staying put there until I can get there. But borrowing spade, taking blankets hot flask etc, in case of break down... too many years of being stuck in drifts in scotland to be taking any chances. play in it, don't try to travel in it.. the train services and connections etc will be at high risk and you could get stranded.

yay leclerc - thrilled for you.

right, wish me luck!

Fi - good luck on your travel. hope it's quick and safe.

I feel dreadful after reading some of the things people are going through on here. H's behaviour is upsetting, but not nearly the threatening awfulness of some posters. I need to toughen up, I think and not be so whingy. I guess I need to put it in perspective. I've been in a relationship with PA before (years ago). Yes, I know - relationship patterns. I can't decide whether I'm more angry with him for his behaviour or at myself for causing/taking it.

I was similar twelve but all FWittery counts.

You did not cause it. There are many reasons for 'taking it'. Be angry at him!

thatsnot You are NOT going out in this weather. If he is happy where he is, that is great, but you are NOT going to drag kids out in this treachery.

In fact. WHEN he has a go at you for being sensible, tell him not to come back. EVER.

WHEN you dump his arse, you will FORCE the sale of his dream home and you will move somewhere you WANT to be, and be with people that appreciate and respect you.

Don't do anything you don't want to do. EVER!

Think about it. He's not going to be able to come and drag you there is he? realistically, he can't do a thing. Can he? All he can do from there is rant and rave.

So tell him you are not going, that you have decided and that is all there is to the subject.

Hang up.

Phone off

Unplug house phone.

If he threatens you or is aggressive in any way, call the police.

Everything Hissy says, that is not.
You do not need permission the trains to be cancelled to stand up for yourself and your DD.

twelve the tiny things are often the most hurtful actually. They show to what extent these horrible, horrible men REALLY hate us.

Killing of house plants, missing of kids birthdays, telling our best friends that we've been sectioned (complete fabrication) telling us that they have access to all our old emails even deleted ones going back YEARS, how we are watched and reported on (bollox too) but at the time we believe it all, we think it's US.

Normal people don't live like this. They really don't.

2 years out and 9m into a new relationship I am still regularly astounded by how wonderful Normal is. There is no drama, no knot in the stomach, no dread when a key is turned, or when they get up. If I have an opinion, or a preference, I get to state it and it's listened to. I get to choose how I live and who is in it with me. My son is calm, settled and getting better day by day. If I am sick, or fed up or flat, my boyf listens to me and tries to help. He washes up, makes the bed when he leaves it, and he gets up to look after our respective boys on the weekends if they wake up early. My ex wouldn't even fold his own towel on the towel rail.

Not for a nano-second have I or will I ever regret leaving that FW.

My Ex only hit me/kicked me a few times in our 10 year relationship, but the damage he did with his insidious little snipes was FAR more damaging to me and to my son than any form of physical violence.

twelve and anyone else who finds this useful.... focus that anger where it helps you most. You need to focus on driving yourself forward and into the freedom of the future.

It's the scariest thing in the world to look at leaving. It makes you feel sicker than you have ever felt. The pain manifests in all sorts of places in your body. It is excruciating. BUT EXPECT AND PREPARE FOR IT. Breathe and you will get through it.

On the other side of the Leaving, there is bewilderment, there is nervousness, insecurity, rawness, fragility...

BUT...

There is also something else. HOPE.

If you don't get out of these relationships, life will be slowly and surely sucked out of you and your children. Your DC could even grow up and take over where he stops. yes, you could end up abused by your children, or later, watch as they repeat your history.

Getting out means you have a chance, children have a chance. Life can start.

Everyone will help you feel better, there are resources that can help you restart, recover and heal. No-one can help you when you are still in that environment.

We can hold your hand, but there really is only one option you have. Get out. Demand better, because you and any DC deserve better.

Seize whatever chance you can, no matter how small, to get him out of your life.

I suspect it's already sucked most of the life out of me. I don't even recognise myself anymore. I don't want to go out, I feel stressed all the time. A close friend wants me to go out tonight with her, and I can't because I can't trust H alone with the children. And I can't explain that to her. I have told one friend about this, but not this other friend.

H is currently sleeping across the room in a chair, waking long enough to snap at the children or at me, while I'm hiding on my laptop trying to keep the children entertained (and quiet).

H's counselling is going to start soon, but last time it didn't really help. How can it? HE tells them the problem, HE tells them when he decides he is better. In other words, they don't even HEAR what the actual problem is.

Useless to try to fix things, isn't it?

I just took the children out in the snow again to play. I'm pretty sure a half ton of snow went down the back of my neck, but at least we got to be noisy and throw snow all over the place. (the garden looks a little worse for wear ) H didn't go out with us as he doesn't like the cold (or the heat, so he effectively doesn't like to go out with the children at all to play).

Sometimes I think I'm getting overwrought over nothing. I know HE thinks it's nothing. Am I just oversensitive? I don't think so. Who knows anymore.

The fallout from him and his family if/when we split will be horrendous.

twelve read my words.

Especially the ones that talk about the journey OUT. It looks hard, but really it's nowhere near as hard as living this drudgery, this pain, this suffering EVERY DAY.

When you are out, you don't think or feel as you do now. the real YOU comes back really quickly. You look back and you wonder what on earth kept you for so long.

He can control your actions atm, but he can't control your thoughts. Listen to those that have walked where you have, but have kept on walking and are now free.

You can have that too.

We're not special, we are like normal people.

Normal, let me tell you, is EXTRAORDINARY, it's fantastic, it's the best thing ever.

You deserve it all love.

"Sometimes I think I'm getting overwrought over nothing. I know HE thinks it's nothing. Am I just oversensitive? I don't think so. Who knows anymore."

He thinks YOUR thoughts/needs/wants are nothing, and that the only person who matters is him. You are not oversensitive, you are undersensitive tbh!

"The fallout from him and his family if/when we split will be horrendous."

Oh no it won't. they don't get a say in YOUR life, your decision. If they are not there to support a young mother with children, then it says all you need to know about them. He is abusive, since when does that mean that he gets to RULE your life forever.

get out. If they cause trouble, there are courts for that!

"The fallout from him and his family if/when we split will be horrendous."

You are using this as a reason to stay?

It's the biggest reason there is to GET OUT!

Honestly, give up, you can't change this, it's not of your doing. There is no point in wasting a second trying to make this any different than it is, cos you can't, it's nothing to do with you.

None of this is your fault, none of it.