Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I completely understand what you're saying Charlotte as although I took DC and walked when he was in the middle of screaming rage at me, DC was screaming [and me] for it to stop and it was like he couldn't see or hear us, so was outta there... but the day to day stuff was a slow revelation, which speeded up dramatically coming here.

better I couldn't speak. I shook when writing texts! but was reassured by WA that application for (whats the word, not exacly mitigating circumstances - but I think special dispensation or something for suffering with years of abuse causing this kind of state of frozeness or something). I don't do that now (only since big scene fairly recently), but can now be within same space, but not good at holding own thoughts still around him (and any that I think exhibit signs of any suspect Fwittery). Oh and they also said I didn't have to speak, and could write it all down! and have others with me.

I really don't understand why he should have a half share of payments refunded? I would imaigne your £50k should come at the top of the priority bearing in mind he forced a separation due to abuse. Make sure you go through this final bit really clearly with your solicitor before final agreement.

Plague of locusts upon the nit spreaders, would be the last straw for me trying to get them out of Dc with long hair and mine very long and curly, curly! (used to make me want to cut it all off) aw ((hugs)) Pony

oh Maggie

I so wish you werent there already to have to stand any more of that sick (and scarey) behaviour - loads of ((hugs)) - really important to not give a damn about what anyone thinks, he will tell them all that you are the worst thing that ever inhabited the earth I'm sure, all that matters is you knowing your own amazing value - don't doubt that, it shines out here. Everything he says is to protect his own ego and that you must be mad bad crazy to leave him obviously!?!?! ha! Hold your head high sweetheart, even if you have to lay low for a little. Stay safe xx

pony his reply needs thinking through, then you can work out a counter proposal. Hang fire for a couple of days.

ooo leclerc the thing you said about FWs and goalposts. He [ExFw] used to trot out this same type thing about all women how they'll tell you the rules they expect you to live by, then pay attention the rules as they'll change due to time of day, or anything really, without notice, and you'll be expected to know and .. oh blah blah!

pony what is the equity likely to be? And what is value of house? How long would it take to sell? [no obligation to reply, PM for privacy?] just comparing mine and your situations...

Hi all, he's home, acting as if nothings happened I'm staying quiet so am safe, hopefully he will go off to bed soon and I can settle down on the sofa and try and sleep. Thank you so much for support, don't know what I would do without this thread I really don't

Oh no re NITS! Commune nit nurse here, ill be round with my nit comb and lotion in a jiffy to sort you all out Pony!

maggie I've read your posts, am thinking of you, even if it doesn't look like it from my posts...

I only shake now when I have to view bank statements/bills - at least they don't pursue me round the house (well.. only in my nightmares!)

oh maggie pleased to hear that you ok.. I had meant to say not this: Everything he says is to protect his own ego and that

but this

everything he says is to protect his own highly-overinflated ego tiny knob and that

oh, and you won't find one any better you know? did you know that though? I didn't realise until I was told that all men are like this and he was far far better than most!!! (HOW SCAREY IS THAT!)

Phew, thanks Maggie! At least someone knows what to do, I have literally no idea other than to grab them out of the hair when I see them!!!! I have two nit combs now and some Hedrin(thanks Mum!!!! she has gone above and beyond to go out at 9.30pm to the chemist for me).

Thanks, Silvery - I'm going to reply to the solicitor tomorrow, get her thoughts on the issues I've got, but tell her I don't want to respond till I've thought further over the weekend. I don't really know the answers to the equity stuff - my gut is that we may get a little over what we paid for it (because we got it for a v good price), but if we do it wont be much, a few thousand maybe. So maybe the thing about him wanting paying his money first wont be an issue (but still - as you say, Fi, give the circumstances, it feels really off for him to be asking for it...). No idea how long it'll take to sell. Could be a while, it's a big 4-bed house so I guess it'd require someone with a slightly bigger budget and requirements, so maybe a bit longer than normal? I sold my previous (2-bed) house in 3 weeks, but FW's house (in a v run down village) took nearly 6 months to sell. Both sold for less than we'd hoped.

Right, thanks all, am off to get some sleep so I can begin the ritual boil-washing of everything in the house tomorrow!!! Wonder if the mattress will fit in the washing machine?

Ahh Silver no worries I know you are there thank you x

Fi lol!! You are not wrong about the knob comment oh and yes, how did you know? No one else will have me ever as I am damaged goods and fat and ugly and got two kids and who in their right mind would want me! Yadda yadda!

Pony oh lordy, the nits sitiation still gives me nightmares, FW made such a fuss too so made situation worse. It must have took about 6weeks to get rid of all the buggers, the lotion only really gets rid of crawlies and about to hatch eggs, you will then have another batch of them once the newly laid eggs grow and hatch about a week-12 days later-ugghh. I basically did the lotion thing and then every night before bed sat them on a chair in bathroom and wet combed through their hair. When they have a bath do this too with conditioner. Then about a week later you will need to do the lotion again. Its so time consuming! Thank god for DDs portable DVD player which kept her entertained as I combed every night! My hair is so thick so was torture! Go for the 50K girl-you deserve every penny!

Night all ((hugs)) to you all!

DCs had traumatic time leaving from fw contact - tbf he didn't behave badly but dcs sad and upset at leaving home to go to flat after contact. I have to keep it supervised (by me) or it makes a nonsense of my applied for court prohibitions. Crying, grabbing at door frames as we left

I want to be in my home with them but without fw.

Cue text from fw: "They need to come back home. This is not good. I am very concerned about them and what this is doing to them"

I know that this is happening because of what HE has done repeatedly to them and me. But need support to clear fog [desperate smiley]

Hugs and waves to all, have read but not had time to respond to others yet - sorry. xxx

Oh Fly :( at contact. It cannot continue like this. Contact needs to wait until the house has been sorted, or take place somewhere else.
How else do you think you could organize it - if it needs organizing so soon? Could it not wait? It is so early to be doing what is so hard.

Don't reply fly. Or if you do, say you've made the decision in the best interests of you and the dc and repeat ad infinitum.

Oh fly, how upsetting. Have you said, "I'd only move home if you move out first," or is it really not worth it?

pony, putting my mathematical hat on, it seems fair that if you make less than 70k, you split it in the ratio of your deposits, but if you make more than 70k, you each get your deposits back and split any more 50:50. Was that along the lines of what you wanted to do? I don't know about the mortgage payments; the solicitor should know what's reasonable there.

horribly upsetting for you all, as long as you don't take as a sign that you've done the wrong thing in leaving. Everything you've done is for their best, but they miss home and won't understand. His text, ha! well that would be the obvious opportunity to be the 'caring/loving' father and blame you for this, it was the perfect opportunity, but very hard to take. Y to meeting somewhere else, think charlotte idea good, as if he's soooo worried about it, that is something he could do to keep consistency - as for the kids its huge that they left their home (again you done the right thing by going) but in combination with events, anyway, yeah if he's worried its within his power to help them absolutely by doing that. take care, hope you can all have good times together today. ((hugs))

oh and yes, how did you know? well, that would be a, what do you say, 'educated' guess, based on, shall we say, 'extremely similar' experience ? hopes for your peaceful sofa sleep and put some good sturdy covering up the vulnerable bits type clothes on today (armour!) stay safe x

Hopefully try you can all have great fun in the snow today.

I've read pony that its a myth about nits living indepedently on anything except hair as (urrch, hate to say it) cos they need to bite to stay alive, didn't want you to waste time and energy, when you could be out playing with the kids making snowmen

missed off names (again!) - so just in case it wasn't obvious!...

try horribly upsetting for you all, as long as you don't take as a sign that you've done the wrong thing in leaving. Everything you've done is for their best, but they miss home and won't understand. His text, ha! well that would be the obvious opportunity to be the 'caring/loving' father and blame you for this, it was the perfect opportunity, but very hard to take. Y to meeting somewhere else, think charlotte idea good, as if he's soooo worried about it, that is something he could do to keep consistency - as for the kids its huge that they left their home (again you done the right thing by going) but in combination with events, anyway, yeah if he's worried its within his power to help them absolutely by doing that. take care, hope you can all have good times together today. ((hugs))

oh and yes, how did you know? Maggie well, that would be a, what do you say, 'educated' guess, based on, shall we say, 'extremely similar' experience blush ? hopes for your peaceful sofa sleep and put some good sturdy covering up the vulnerable bits type clothes on today (armour!) stay safe x

Try in fact, how can any bloke see his family out of the home and suffering this way? its truly disgusting. You so must know that he has caused ALL of this suffering and now still is unless he moves out. Is there anything (as regards your court order) that would mean he would have to move out because of the DC? take care

Charlotte, that was exactly my plan, that seems fair to me.

Fi - thanks, I'll read up a bit on it, my reading last night suggested the same so am trying to resist! Can already see them in DS2's hair this morning. DS1 not up yet - on top off everything he seems to be coming down with something, he was roasting in the night! Don't think he'll be at school today. And, bizzarely, given that I'm in Scotland, we've had no snow at all!!!!

try - sending you hugs, that sounds really upsetting for all of you. Another vote for contact away from the house, if at all - maybe it's too soon, and the kids could do with some time to gather their thoughts too? As Leclerc says, speak to people - WA, solicitors, etc - and get some advice on what might be a good way forward. Thinking of you, it's a really really hard time, for you as well as the kids so don't forget yourself in all this.

Maggie i think that you should consider leaving sooner rather than later. We are all used to minimising abuse like this.

I know Fool thanks, the last week or so has defo got rid of my spagetti head.

Oh Fly you poor love, I'd agree I think to try contact somewhere mutual. Do you have somewhere like a play centre near you where you could sit with a coffee from a far and watch them with FW playing?

Pony yes, I didn't worry about matresses etc, the little bugger nits need to have a blood supply to feed off, I just hot washed all bedding etc. Good luck!

Waves at everyone else. Snow here..grrrr!

PS-Fi thanks for advice! I have put on my metal madonna pointy boobies stylie bra today! Just let him try groping ha!