Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Or even worse, Bertie, not regret
As has been said so many times before on this site, they are all, in fact, clones, as in the 'Boys from Brazil'. Can't remember how the film ends ...
Leclerc under different (but rotten) circumstances, FW 'made' me walk around for ages looking for a hole in the wall that would not charge bank fees. It was my bank card with my money in it. I just went off to look. I don't know what I was thinking :(.
Bertie the one time I tried to talk to FW even if it meant I had to raise my voice to be heard (I never do) He said he was so 'scared' he would call the police who would take this form of harassment very seriously because I had no legal right to talk to him as we were divorcing. more
Actually, I had not even said anything - just that we needed to get the separation sorted. This last story, strangely enough, still makes me smile.
Second Silver's suggestion of getting a solicitor to deal with him if you can afford it.

I think we need another blast, everyonev - well I do :) :

:)

Now now bertie you know he wants you to be furious, of course...

It sounds like you are nearly there?

*with regard to settlement, I mean...

LeClerc...Fingers...you are so right. I've previously been told that I'm intimidating and a bully simply because I'm not agreeing with everything he does or says any more and I was also made to walk long distances when I had SPD. Even when on crutches in the last couple of months...

We have mediation booked for next week but I'm not going to take any shit. If he messes me around we'll just go to court. Lets see how long his payout lasts shall we?

Hi everyone, I am new to this thread do you mind if I join so far down? I am so sorry to hear so many people having to go through this.
My situation is that I was in an abusive relationship which ended over 8 years ago but my ex is back wanting to see our DS whom he has never seen. Sadly he has not changed and the old fears are back with him but now there are two of us to protect. We are going through court, had one hearing so far. CAFCASS are being supportive but I know how this person is and not only do I worry for the future but it has triggered old anxiety feelings not that some of them ever went away. I think so many of you are so brave to even be able to speak to some of the people that treat you so bad. When I saw him in court after so many years I had a flashback and just almost crumbled.

Welcome better and :( that you have to be here. It must feel like your worst nightmare.

Thanks for the welcome arthritic you have hit the nail on the head, that is just how I feel.

Welcome Better you are in the right place for support

Arth do you think we could re-release that song? Maybe with a bit of a ghetto ganster rap in the middle by TOD?!!!!

Waves at all other ladies

In other news....just wanted to log todays FWerty so far. The last 24 hours has consisted of him pressuring me for us to "try again" this basically consists of me changing and returning to our bed and participating in a bit of how's yer father (boak) he basically doesn't see anything wrong with his bahaviour or how he treats me, the current situation is all my fault because I won't let him rape me sleep with him. So me trying to avoid the subject, he then persisted most of the day during his break from work by groping me when I was least expecting it. Feel so scared even walking past him as know he will try and cop a feel intimatly it all came to a head after tea, DC were playing in sitting room and us in kitchen and he starting banging on again about why I've changed so much since september time and trying again etc, I told him (again) its not been just since september he has been PAing me throughout the last 13 years-his response-to launch a half full 4pt plastic milk bottle at me across the kitchen-it hit me in my face at force and hurt my nose. I held my face and he started shouting how it didn't even touch me, stop making it up etc etc etc and stormed off to sitting room chatting to kids like nothing had happened. When I came in too he started asking what was wrong with me, why I'm not normal etc etc. I barely spoke back to him. He's now gone back to work thank god, trying to kiss me goodbye in front of kids whilst trying to grope my chest, I managed to move out of his way. Roll on next week when he's away and Dbro coming to help me get my stuff out

Jeez Maggie! That's dreadful. Can't you call police and get a residency order so he can't come near you in the house? I'm scared for you.

Hi Maggie why you are not normal? - that brings back bad memories. There just is no response is there. I did question myself. I saw that look in his eyes in court and in the tone of his voice the `it's all her'. They have to do that to live with themselves don't they?. I just find it really hard having to constantly give myself that type of mantra. I wish I was stronger and he never gave me a doubt it is in any way my fault.

shame he wasnt clear about his feeble excuse for being rude letting the cold out, but just welcoming your friend to come in out of cold! Hope you can continue to see shy friend out elsewhere and explain OH is FW! Just surfaced today to grasp the thorny study nettle, and seem to have a minimal plan in place now, and just keep going on that basis to see how it works out. Might have to stop other emo stuff as its all too much together and just causes such huge pressures that cannot do it all.

good you got that off your chest Bertie agree with silvery sound advice as usual! I did transfer of my house long ago, was v. simple with solicitor sending letter enclosing the deed of transfer doc. and ignore his threats, if atall possible, he wants you to feed his anger by engaging with him (is how it sounds). He will continue probably to accuse of anything and everything he can think of. Just send any necessary texts but it gives you an excuse to say the absolute factual bare minimum which can only be a good thing!

similar story of suffering here, they are FW's indeed. Couldn't walk, drive without screaming out loud, but had to go on alone, no offers of help his work is too stress, everybody wants him not enough time in his life for everyone he will go mad if I don't stop demanding or getting complications pneumonia after being left to nurse baby alone when very ill indeed begged for help as worried for baby safety - nope gotta go to work, I passed out when alone with baby . tore myself up with guilt at the time, not now. Doctor said wanted to send me to hospital, I said I'm fine and went home, knowing I couldn't leave baby. Felt if I didn't hold it together, and I didn't seem to be doing it that well, he couldn't even when things were going ok.

how does my poooter miss so many of the threads!?!?! I just posted above, but a whole page has appeared in the meantime! from some hours ago, even tho I'd refreshed the page. that last one above was for you bertie - missed your name off

Oh MaggieMay disgusting thing he is to force unwanted sexual attentions on you about that for you. roll on his time away. What a battery of abuse that such lovely lady doesn't deserve

soz for others missed take care all

nooo noo... ! it was for Nini can't get warm

and yay leclerc Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!! hope was all affirming for you

Reading through the last few posts, I remember FW in the car in November telling me he was "terrified" of me and that's why he couldn't do - oh, something incredibly normal that I'd asked about.

When I first joined this thread, I couldn't remember specific incidents at all. I had a general sense stuff wasn't right, but could put my finger on nothing after our first year of marriage. Now, when something feels wrong, I stop and notice the feeling it gives me, think "I must journal this event!" and then either the journal reminds me later or I actually remember it for myself! This is progress! It's so weird to think how much I must have repressed stuff! (I'm sure there's plenty still well-hidden that will leap up to surprise me in the future, like Leclerc is finding, though.)

Come to think of it, when I first read the thread, I thought, "That sounds like my H - that's unusual to hear someone with an H similar to mine, always thought mine was one out on his own, probably an alien on surveillance masquerading as a human." The second thing I remember thinking was how whiney it seemed after a while - why don't those women get on with it like I do? Only now it appears that what I was doing wasn't as healthy as I then thought. The power of denial, eh?

Maggie - this sounds a different level of FWery from his usual. Does it feel to you like he's stepped up a gear? Stay safe, lovely!

Hi all, hes basically trying to go back to what he used to be like before I started sleeping on the sofa and detaching (nearly 5 months)....he still kept on with the PA, EA and FA stuff but he had kind of stepped away from the groping stuff but today all of a sudden its started again, hmmm maybe the other abuse stuff/tortune isn't enough to satisfy him. Hes due in from work soon, just going to keep my head down (detach) and be quiet and hopefully he will bog off to bed.

Been looking out for flats/houses but nothing coming up at the moment, is so difficult as I will have to be on benefits too thanks to FW making me give up my career (all part of his isolation plan) and not many places want a single mum of two under 4yrs old on benefits . At least next week I can hopefully get mine and kids main stuff out into storage and when the time comes then Ill only have the last bits I couldn't move without him noticing to pack up. I can't stay in our family home as much as I love it and spent so much time decorating etc as he works very close by and the street is full of his friends too so I would just be a sitting duck if I got him out through force. Plan is to move to next town to distance myself from FW and everyone here but is close enough for kids access for FW and for them to see their grandparents too. And then get him to buy my share of the home out. Unlikely I will be able to own my own home again in the near future so back to the renting game, so basically throwing everything I worked so hard for away but its a small price to pay to get FW and this torture out of my life. Is saying something when a woman is willing to throw everything away and be on her own with two young children rather than stay with her long term partner. I wonder what people will think and what judgements they will make. Am sure he will play the I only used him to have children with card as I had to have IVF. I can hear him now, hes told me many a time thats what he will tell everyone

Geezo, Maggie. He threw something at you and it hit your in the face? Stay safe. xx

I've now had a reply from FW on the solicitor front. My solicitor's email to me said 'FW seems agreeable with most of your terms'. I read his letter and almost cried. Is it just me being super-sensitive and unrealistic?

Re house: I have asked that we both get our original deposits back (of £50k (me) and £20k (him)) and then split the rest 50-50. I know that legally he's entitled to it all being split 50-50, but morally not not not.

From his letter:
He wishes confirmation that he will receive £20,000 from the sale of the property together with a one half share of the mortgage payments which he has made since the parties separated which amounts to £2,400. In the event that there is sufficient equity within the property then our client is agreeable to your client receiving the sum of £50,000 and any additional sums thereafter to be divided equally between the parties.

So, he demands that he get his money back in full, even if I don't get mine back in full. And he's still demanding mortgage payments - this despite the fact that if he didn't want to pay mortgage payments I'd happily move in if he moved out and take them on they are considerably less than my rent, which I don't imagine he'll be paying half of.

I don't know how I feel. I suspect the solicitor will tell me that's a good deal, since if I protest he could decide to go for 50-50 anyway. But it just feels so UNFAIR!!!!! He has fleeced me out of so much money in the short time we were together. He is morally bankrupt.

Is it just the shock to the system about dealing with all this, or am I getting done over? And even if I am, is there much i can do about it? Probably not.

Argh. And to bloody top it ALL we got NITS!!!!!!!! Urgh. horribly little crawly things in my beautiful DS2's blondey hair (DS1's hair is thicker and darker so it's not so obvious...). And what's the betting I've got it too???? Argh, I say, argh!

Maggie, for want of a better phrase, " Fuck what anyone else thinks!"
You stick with your plan, you know it's what you have to do. Nobody has lived your life so consequently they have no right to comment on your decisions.
Have you logged any of this behaviour with the police at all? Have you spoken to CAB to see what help you could get upon leaving?
Can you try and let us know you are okay once FW has got in? If you want to PM me I will tell you my mobile number so you could text?