Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

hopin that Leclerc is happily nesting now after big steps forward.

We have all had to keep perhaps shameful dark secrets about how awful life is/has been, about how we have been/are treated, debased, abused, humiliated, and been terrified to speak of it, or speak out to him or others for fear of the reprisals, and I think sometimes it gets so bad that it takes very little to keep us in line speaking personally- just being ignored is sufficient for me I've realised. I know some lurk for months here before finding a voice to release their own personal sufferings in hopes of support. I have carried this huge burden all my life, and I know only part of that belongs here with the part the ExFW played in his aggession/withdrawal and the rest for so many many years when I thought staying for DC to have a place to live b4 knowing of any options or that others might possibly live like this--, so I did think hard before bringing this here; by all means tell me to clear off with my clutter to another thread if so.

My own fear of this is whats so debilitating now stil, in every day life, and I'm convinced that I would never have got into that relationship without it although I knew I didnt see the cruelty that I witnessed for what it was somehow I just didn't think on that level Extreme fear has haunted my life and I cannot 'do' relationships because of it. The fear of him has been disconnected recently, apart from a healthy lookout for future vindictiveness and spite attempts at damage. I don't know how to un indoctrinate myself from it, and I don't think this is the realms of WA so I feel I have nowhere to go with this heavy heavy load which somehow I have to throw off. can't stop the throat pain from crying

oos way too long!

Just a quickie but ahh Fi sending hugs, we will always be here for you as you have been for all of us, don't you dare clear off to another thread! We will all get there in the end, keep your chin up lovely lady x

Fi life shapes us in many painful ways, and your own recognition and insight shows that you are still you and can heal. Do you need to seek specialist help with something?

Good evening to you all

Well done Leclerc

I hope that Try is OK after the other night

MrsMorton I often think that nobody would guess what H is like behind closed doors, as he is such a lovely person to everyone else. He is sometimes lovely to me too, hence why the decision to leave is so difficult. I keep wondering if he's really that bad, and if the bad times are worth splitting a family for.

Those of you with partners from other countries, does the DC father ever take the DC abroad without you? H & me (should that be H and I? channels the Queen ) live in a country which neither of us call home, though we are settled now. I sometimes worry about what will happen once we are split up, and he wants to take the DC to visit his family.

Nora you have no idea the relief I felt at reading your message. Are you leaving? I think if I hd DCs it would MAKE me decide but I feel like oh well I can cope with it because I just let it wash over me, I know I could be happier but it's easy to stay.

Leclerc you're so strong.

PS it should be H and I... if you were actually asking!!

thanks Maggie Silvery - oh dear

YY to staying for the DC. That is what I have done, I feel guilty about breaking up our family. What is stopping you from leaving, MrsM , if you don't mind me asking?

What has decided me to leave, is that the DC are scared of H when he is angry, even though though the anger is not directed at them. Over the last couple of weeks DD2 has become very clingy with me, when I am there she holds my hand all the time. I am sure its because of the bad atmosphere at home. If I am not there she is fine with H - I got home from work once and they didn't hear me come in, and I saw the DDs sitting drawing, and H sat next to them on the computer. All fine. I am the one who makes him angry.

Leclerc, you made me giggle! No, I promise I am not a secret mole in the camp! Why can't I read my own FW as well as that and predict his actions??? Oh well. I'll need to compose an email to him this week to tell him he wont be able to have DS2 mid-week next week, and I'll need input and help because I can't seem to do it for myself!

Fi, hope you are feeling better after having a vent. You know we will always listen on here.

From the mouths of babes....who we stay for and leave for.......

Me "how are you DS"
DS (who is 9)"fine"
DS"do you think DD3 is really behaving badly because Daddy isn't here"
Me "maybe, what do you think"
DS "yes, 'cos she doesn't remember what he is really like"
Me non-committal "mmmmmm"
DS "see he always asks us to tell you he's sorry and that he will be coming back soon and that it isn't fair for him to be away but that you don't like him cos you're a bit poorly"
Me (trying hard to look blank) "mmmm"
DS "but me and DD1 we know don't we? we remember that he can't be happy with us, he's always angry even when it doesn't show"
DS "do you think DD2 feels the same"
Me "I'm not sure"
DS "Mummy, when we do have to see him again i don't think we should do it too often or he won't be able to keep happy, he'll get cross"
Me "how often do you think would be good If that were to happen?"
DS "maybe every 2 months, so he can have a cuddle. But he's better at staying calm on the phone really"
DS "I think we are all much calmer and nicer now"
DS "night night Mummy"

Me night night lovely

I am still

Sadly I suspect that the courts will not be granting such limited access......

I think it is Gillick (sp?) rules so a sliding competence from 12 up. But whether he would be so clear with a social worker........doubtful!

Oh bless DS Fool our DC are not stupid are they? They know exactly what goes on

My DD asked me the other day if FW was being someone elses daddy instead as he is always out and never wants to play and is always grumpy when he is at home with us

Hi lovely ones, I hope you are all ok (ish). leclerc and fi ((((hugs)))) I am so you have been feeling . You are both such inspirations and such brilliant mums.

Sorry for radio silence. After the night in the hotel, I took day off work, saw sol, spoke to boss who was brilliant. Then dm, dcs and I went home I knew it was only for one night but even so it tugged at my heart (I am very sentimental about my home) and I was worried you'd all think I'd caved . But we had nothing, no uniform, no clothes, nowhere to go. That night, dm and I cooked, all normal except for fw who came home from work and went to bed with no word to anyone. I think he was hungover and very embarrassed on some level. Meanwhile I googled and found a short term let for three weeks to bring me up to 8th feb when new place is available.

And I did it! We took kids to school this morning, I went to police to log all, got crime ref number, then went to short term accom agency, paid upfront for flat on credit card (feck but had to be done, no price is too high for freedom etc!) Then we went home and threw all basics plus books, teddies (NOT ToD tho ) into black plastic bags and rushed over to new place to make it cosy and home from home ready for kids.

My friend had picked them up from school and fed them. Meanwhile I sent an email to fw telling him what I'd done and why, but of course, not address! Then went to friend's house, collected dcs, got pizza, endured about 20 messages and calls from fw (agonised you've-broken-my-heart, please call, please call etc) (funny how when it was my heart that was broken he didn't give a shit).

Then back here - and here I sit in new flat, no shame, no guilt, no fear. Lots of fall out - dcs upset, homesick at times but also excited because flat is cosy and new to them. Crap will follow, of course and I had plenty of low, terrified moments today. But now dcs asleep and I sit here with and you lot (and dm is reading instructions for dishwasher ), I feel a small sense of elation building!

I could not have done this without this thread and you lot. Thank you so much. xxxx

Fool your ds is wonderful

PS DM is getting very irritated with dishwasher manual and keeps muttering crossly, "extraordinary!"

Yay

Not v technical, so will wish your lovely DM the best of luck

you've done it

Wow, fly, you sound so clear-headed. You're an inspiration! Hope you all sleep well tonight. x

Anyone awake?

Just, Bertie. You ok?

Hello

Just been woken up by some FWittery going on and now I can't get back to sleep!

Its a daddy day and FW is again pretending that DS has woken up and is poorly (when in fact he's fine and he's just sighed) and then taken him into his bed. It's happened 4 times since new year...

I know it shouldn't really bother me but it feels like DS is being manipulated...

I'm trying to be logical about it...maybe it's just a case of inappropriate parenting and not actual FWittery?

I'm trying to trust my feelings at the moment, so I'd go with manipulation - the trouble with it is it's so hard to see and you feel so darned cynical always believing the worst!