Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

turbo welcome. Are you currently in uk or outside?

If in UK you don't have to move back to your family. There would be support for you here.

kee[p postng and we will all be here for you.

hi knitter welcome back...none of us got out as soon as the abuse started...that's why we are here.....be kind to yourself (love that you could predict his script!..there is your power!)

Thank you for welcome. Sorry for post being a bit of a splurge, it just sort of piles up and then I get so angry. I will keep on this thread. Just have to be careful to hide it.
At the moment it's pretend at home, because he will not understand that we should separate and will not accept that I don't love him anymore. (I told him around xmas, because he was pissingly drunk on the 23. and I was very unhappy about that. It was not his fault that he was drunk, you see. It was the wrong sort of whisky...I just don't know what to say to that, so I keep quiet.) So I pretend for it to be livable until I know what to do.
He had to sleep on the sofa for some time, due to being injured and unable to climb the stairs. I was not upset with that arrangement, but he became ever so cross that I did not miss him in the bed. well, I said it had been pretty full anyway, with 2-3 kids in there at any point.
When I read it written down like that, I think: who are this people? It looks nuts.
Do anyone else feel like that?
I'm in the uk, but try to keep it civilised for the children. However, what they have been seen and been put through is not great, really.

it takes 2 people trying to keep things civilised: It's not something these men actually seem able to do (unless in front of other people when they become Superman of course).

I totally believe in marriage, family life, staying together, working at things etc. BUT only if you can actually get somewhere with that. IME in an abusive relationship you just end up in a downward spiral. This cannot be good for the DCs and I think in all honesty that leaving is better.

Have you talked to Women's Aid locally? they are not just interested in physical abuse, they will help and support you with other abuse too.

I have talked to the local helpline. The support group is close to school though, so I feel i can't go in case someone sees me.
The thing is, it is always my fault. but he is the one suffering because I'm cross with him because I blame him for everything. Which I guess i have done, I just feel I have tried to be realistic about things, and tried to find solutions to work and so on. But he is always right, if I protest I'm difficult, if I get upset I'm oversensitive, I over-react to things all the time, I even over-exaggerate most of the time. I know I am sensitive, and I try to work on that, and I have moods and so on. But for me, it makes sense when I speak to other people, but when I speak with him I just get so confused, it's like I don't make sense anymore. That's how it feels anyway.
Sorry to hijack this thread abit. I better take the young'un to the park.
Thank you, foolonthehill.

yes, it is always about you...except it's really all about him. He cannot see how warped his thinking is. In his head he is at the centre of the universe and everything else exists to serve him and make him feel good.

Of course, you cannot get it right, but because he is so entitled he cannot see that.

It may be hard to see that he views you as a "bit part in the drama that is his life" because you would never ever see someone like this.

you can't fix him. You can only look after yourself and your children to the best of your ability.

Have you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft?

tis how can they know? most people hear abuse/breakup and translate to normal breakup.. it's too far away from their experience.

just keep on loving and talking and holding.

My 6 year old gave me 24 hours of hell on Sat directly quoting from her father's previous telephone call she is confused, sad, bereft and damaged. So is your DS and your other children.

All we can do is love them and care for them the best that we can, it's not a small thing

Leclerc, just read your chat thread. My dd is 5 too. I also don't smack. I find if I stage whisper to ds about the behaviour I like it makes her very compliant. If you had a word with dd2 and make her your accomplice in this it would serve a dual purpose and help your bond with her?
So whisper to her loudly "I do so like it when ds does X!" and see what the effect is. Might be talking rubbish, but works for me.
I also tell her that I will always love her, but tell her the behaviour I dislike.

What did she say?

leClerc did somthing trigger you?

x-post
but my question is now
what triggered you?

of course you had a crap night's sleep, and then the thread with people who don't know. (Btw I had a lovely image of you all curled up together in bed)

Hello to turbo - you definitely belong here. You know you don't need his permission to leave, don't you? I'm struggling with the same kind of thing: can I leave? But he says that's wrong, and he might be right!

No supportive partner would emphasise your faults. Everyone has faults, but do we concentrate on them? It's a great way to bring someone down and put them in their place - and most of us don't think like that, but unfortunately these FWs do.

Leclerc, I sometimes feel I haven't had an honest conversation in months, because everything seems to relate back to this core issue, so if you don't want to talk about that, how can you talk about anything except the superficial? I posted in AIBU a while back and got gently redirected to Relationships!! You don't expect gentle in AIBU!

So as soon as you were speaking to someone you knew understood your situation, the flood-gates gave way? That is good, I think.

Although not involving kids, I had a few Dark Nights of the Soul last year while all the FWittery over the settlement was going on. These nights were spent with it all going round in my head, and often involved sending an email to sol with my latest worried questions.

In the end I learned to trust that this was All Part of the Process, and that for the time being, I would not know how I was going to feel when I woke up. Because these feelings would always pass, a sort of regrouping would take place, and I'd be able to gird my loins so to speak, again.

He is still a FW and we actually all probably hope it will go away, we will wake up from this nightmare and he will be the man we thought he was, the one he should have been, the life partner and father that he could have been

cut yourself some slack tis it's exhausting, demoralising and sheer hard work.

You will feel better, you will feel stronger but there will be some rubbish daysalong the way. You've got to deal with YEARS of hurt, the feelings have to come out somehow.

(((hug))))

Sorry, x-posted. Have a Leclerc and sit down and watch your emotions. Hope you feel stronger soon. xx

Or feel them. Or whatever you do with emotions.

Leclerc

Hello to the new people - I think we all feel we don't belong here at first, then as we read more we realise we are, and that realisation isn't nice. Hope you are all doing ok.

Leclerc, sounds like a really awful day for you. I think Silver is right, that it is good that your floodgates opened, and with someone who is supportive and helpful and believes you. The tiredness can just floor you, even without all the other crap you are dealing with. FWIW, I think not working for him any more will help you. And counselling for yourself will only be a good thing.

I am the same as you - I bury my emotions. I get on, and pretend everything is fine. The last few days, my mask has been crumbling though. But I feel a bit better today - have spoken to my HV about DS1, she's coming to see me on Thursday, and I've contacted WA about getting him a referral through their Children and Young People's service.

Once you've drafted your email, can you do something for yourself? Even if it's taking DS2 out for a walk and stopping at a cafe or something like that?