Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I was hoping to move into that house this week...

Anyway, have picked myself up from that disappointment and am planning again. Would like to know what you think. Now H is saying that his job is not secure, I've realised I can't rely on a certain amount of maintenance from him to pay the bills. So I'm thinking of going back to work in September. Because I'm a teacher, the jobs are there now and I'm looking at them. There's nothing around here, and I've started thinking that for a number of reasons it could be sensible to look round for an easier place to live. After all, H chose this place (miles away from anywhere - it does occur to me that he wanted to cut off my support/escape routes); there's no good reason I should stay here. The dcs are young enough that they should be able to make the change.

So... what if I get offered a job I want? I think I will take it, but not tell H just yet. After all, he demanded asked that I "commit" for 4 months while he's mostly away. So then I could tell him in May; then he can bear that in mind when looking for new jobs if he has to.

Two big problems with all that: first, not sure if I can keep such a big thing as a new job a secret. Second, we then have at least May to July living together while dcs finish school year and I look for a house to rent in the new area etc. I'm not sure I'm strong enough for that!

Today ladies (cue fanfare) I signed the divorce papers..........the end of procrastination, delay and hope (but all in a good way).

He's not going to be helpful, compliant or reasonable but at least I am prepared and the DC and I have had a year of peace to heal and repair, we are in a better place now.

Hopefully by 2014 will be in our own home and planning the future....maybe he will still be abusing the DC during contact because it seems that someone has to be practically dead at the hands of their (D)F before absolutely no contact is granted but with luck and a fair wind we may get supervised and at the very least they will have a safe haven to come back to.

May need some help to maintain backbone, some gloves for the fight to come and the occasional .....please volunteer below.

sounds like a plan charlotte you don't have to wait for school year to end to move unless you want to particularly.

As a child I moved at Easter and May half term as a child and actually found it easier than when we moved in the summer as made contact with other children before summer hols and went back with everyone feeling like I belonged...just a thought.

Leclerc sorry for rough night...it will not always be like this. for you

Yes, would be easier moving May half term from that perspective - wouldn't be earning till September, though. Am not enjoying the financial considerations; I have this horrible feeling I don't really know what I'm doing!

Another step away from the past, fool. Well done!

Leclerc - oh, bleurgh, those nights are horrible. Hope they wear themselves out before midnight and you hear not a peep afterwards.

Hello all. Anyone heard from try? Hope she and the kids are doing ok.

fool, I volunteer. You've been such a huge support on here to all of us.

Charlotte - he's demanded that you commit for 4 months, but you don't have to. When he comes back, after four months, it could be to an empty house...?

Leclerc, sounds like a tough nite. Sending hugs. When does the art therapy start? I am struggling too, today I got the first of my two parenting books ordered off Amazon. Will start tomorrow.

Had a good (if frantically busy) day with DS1 today, as it's his birthday. Tried to do all I could - decorated the house last night, we opened presents this morning, took him for Maccy D's and we had a laugh. But come bedtime he was still procrastinating and it ended in another meltdown - I wasn't harsh (I don't thinkg), but me telling him several times to get his jammies on and getting a bit 'come one now' about it sent him (and me )into a spiral, which left him sobbing in bed and declaring it 'the worst birthday ever'. And even worse, the more reasonable I was with him, telling him I loved him etc, the worse he seemed to feel: he said, distraught 'and you've done all that you could to make it good for me, and I'm telling you it was the worst' - cue more sobbing. Gah.

Bring on tomorrow. Surely a letter from FW's solicitor can't be too far off?

Will start reading the parenting book tomorrow. Not actually start parenting tomorrow. Doh...

congratulations Fool

urging you on with good plans Charlotte and waving goodbye to FW

just rubbish if bedtimes disrupted badly like this Leclerc hope better night tomorrow; they are possibly feeling their freedom too, lots of patiently sticking to guns maybe (guns not being the right analogy for here tho!).

Thinking of you Try (or maybe flown&free?) hoping you are all safely nestled together and feeling secure with DM perhaps.

Thinking of you maggie and all others, that I am sorry I haven't been able to properly catch up on. peaceful nights xx

Congrats Fool!! Another nail in the coffin so to speak!

Ugghh sorry you having hard time with DC Leclerc and Pony thinking of you, being a mummy is hard, but being a mummy with a FW in the picture is even harder hey?

Charlotte good luck with the job hunting me darling, keep planning, you can do it!

Waving at Fi and other ladies I've missed, hope you are all ok tonight?

Fly Hope you are safe my lovely? Let us know when you get a chance, even if its a little one line post. We are all rooting for you and here for you x

My FW is off work today and tomorrow, is torture...in other news...he is away next week for a few days, I have asked my DBro to come over and we are going to get all my valuables I have stashed in the loft out and into storage somewhere.....baby steps...baby steps....

its my birthday and i'll cry have a meltdown if I want to ...aw. Well HB to littleboyPony (for.. erm.. yesterday!). Its been a happy exciting day, by the sounds of it, and tears before bedtime, it might just be that? or maybe he is taking some time to work thro stuff he can't understand, boundaries and stuff. But he knows he's safe with good mama to do that. Pass round the guru guide to parenting - needing that. Nightly meltdowns here and landing duty til 11 or 12, altho perched on a bed tonight til 10 - result!

Your poor ds1, pony. Slightly amazed at his empathy to think of you like that, but how sad to be condemning himself for natural childish behaviour.

Unfortunately, the last bit of his 4 months away is a mammoth 3 week holiday with me and the dcs to visit family overseas. I will have to work on my acting skills substantially to get through it, I think. But yes, I could think about going soon after that, would be easier than waiting for months more.

I'm pathetic at this lying business. He asked this morning, before he left on the trip, whether I thought there'd been any progress in our relationship this week? I thought and said, "I think I can see a future." He saw straight through it and joked, "As a single mum?" I feigned shock that he could take it that way. Not convincing at all, I suspect! But honestly, he thinks a few shallow compliments will change anything? He has no clue! There is no point talking to him about all this! So I'd better get better at lying...

yooo hooo[waving back]... xposted with yours within 2nds Maggie good to hang on to the thoughts of every step nearer. Would anyone see you moving stuff, like neighbours and ask FW if you were all off somewhere else? I was just thinking maybe you would be seen, and hoping/worrying, thinking you must have that covered too? good luck with getting through tomorrow! Some days reprieve next week, always a bonus, and you are using wisely - I keep hoping you are sneaking off to have the bed to yourself to grab much need comfortable sleep.. xx

Charlotte you might commit to 4 months, and the holiday now, .... but....
c'mon you know your heart's not in it so you don't have to right? I bet he'd have a lovely time on his own, and you could say you timed it that way so that he would have time to recover from the shock of you all leaving! hmmm!

Exciting plans for next week, Maggie - it's all progress!

He wouldn't go on his own. He'd take the dcs. I'd be powerless to stop him. Wouldn't dare hide the passports. Besides, it's their family, too, and lovely people at that, and they don't get to meet up very often because of the distance involved. And if he took them without me - well, I'm already worrying about 5 days next month when he's taking the older 3 off on a trip. Can't do it. Have to be there, too. (That was the only positive I could see when the house thing fell through - that at least these two holidays wouldn't be a problem any more.)

It'll all come together in the end. The plan is forming, slowly. Some steps might just be harder than others.

Hello everyone, I have posted here before and then disappeared a couple of times. I think I just didn't believe that I really belonged here, or maybe I believed H was going to change because he seemed sorry, yes, I know how that sounds, stupid me huh?
Anyway, I think I had my final round of trying to make him see things this week, and today I even cracked when he was trying his usual messing with me, filling in all the gaps as it were. Repeating the script of his crappery and watching him follow it almost word for word..."yes I understand I have hurt you, but you did xyz to me, (i.e.something far less hurtful, like forgot something) so that excuses me from all the heartbreaking crap I have done to you (such as flirt openly with other women in front of you, tell the kids lies about you,etc..)I actually had to remove myself to another room so he wouldn't hear my maddened laughter...
Today he accused me feeding the chldren rubbish, (McCain french fries) Two of my children are autistic and have terrible eating patterns and if I don't give them what they want they won't eat for days. One of them is clinically underweight, so I have to be very gentle. Anyway, I have tried to let the children eat what they like within reason, so there is some sort of loose nutritional content over a few days that is not so bad. I let my youngest autistic dc eat cheese on toast alot with tomatoes on the side, because it is one of his healthiest routine things he will eat. H always tries to give him the fries, and i have objected in the past, and h has made me feel guilty and that I should let him have it because he is autistic.
Anyway, back to today, he said, the children shouldn't be eating fries because they are just reconstituted potato, yes said I that is why I object. But you are the one who buys them and feed them this crap, etc.
so he blamed me for something he instigated and insisted upon. I pointed this out to him, but he just seemed to be sniggering to himself.
I know it is little. He was ostensibly helping me because I was feeling dizzy, and sick, but there is always a price to pay for me.
Just constant criticism, the food I cook, the shopping, how I spend my free time, so many things I can't list them without taking over the whole thread.

Oh! at least they wil be around lovely people too and not just FW then. I was assuming that it would somehow change once you had separated and that the holidays (which, I think it was you said, happen all the time, sorry goes at bit fast for me at times!) would mean doing things differently.

Anyway, yes, goodoutlook, it'll come together in the end, and you're keeping on with your plan - your turn soon.

ooo dear... seem to be v. tired this morning, didn't put your name in that last post Charlotte

No coincidence I think Leclerc I think I posted before about the terrible nights I would have (and now sporadically) following each visit (sitting up for hours on end - til nearly 12, and all the shouting and nastiness, and it was the words used that gave me the clue to some of what was going on, but thats another story) - It was the police in the end that suggested no contact in the week as it was so disruptive! I felt supported then and changed things around, life is much calmer, but it can have that knock on effect for a while. plenty of and for you to get through today and a better night tonight.

It kinda takes me on to another thing about the kids feeling responsible for us (because they've seen us be so hurt in many ways and want to protect and then start feeling responsible and trying to take care of us), I think Charlotte mentioned it in a post to pony recently. So hard to stay strong in the face of all this, but in doing so they get stronger in time too.

hope those of you with snow are having some fun with it!

sounds like you're weaving a good path round the obstacles for your children knackered - all power to you for that. Its so helpful of your FW to add to your challenges, huh, grrrrrr. take care.

I don't know if I belong on this thread. I have posted threads ages ago when it was so crap at home. Been trying to patch things up, sort of. Moving house etc. He will always bring up all the bad things I have said and done before. (12 years ago) that I'm negative (which I am) that I'm so disorganised and that I have a problem with my relationship to work. I have tried to work (self employed, not very busy, many in my field having little work but if I say that it's just an excuse), I have applied for tons of jobs, but I don't get them, and clearly I'm doing something wrong, which he points out often. I feel unable to see what I do wrong. I thought maybe I have AADD but when I told him + some other things that were very upsetting, it came back in an argument and I was so hurt.
I also am upset that he drinks so much, he spends around £4000 year, at least, and we have very little money. But it's all because I stress him out? And he will not hear the argument about health, about cost, about being drunk in front of the children. he says it's the tobacco. He will not listen to me saying it's worrying when he drinks, because arguments often follow which can go quite wrong. He's swore and yelled at me in front of the children's friend, would not stop when I said we have to send the boy home and can talk about this later. I was in tears and had to send thier friend home. He has pushed me in front of the children several times, pulled my hair.
I left him once, but came back, and since this has been turned and turned into me telling lies about him to everyone. I had to call his mother to apologise for this (they are not lies, when I talked to the counsellor about what had happended it was she who said it was domestic and sexual abuse).
Sorry, I alwasy just get to a point where I sort of throw it all up.
Any help please?
I am unable to leave because of family in other country (kidnap of the chidren) and I have no secure financial situation. Will start studies soon to get a job and get away, but that is 4 years away with luck.

a friend just sent me (((bug hugs))) !

I wondered if they might be the same as the normal lovely hugs, but with more arms? If they are, thats nice, so sending them to all the lovely ladies here.

Welcome turbo most of your stuff sounds horribly familiar. I hope you will keep on posting here and see how similar it is to what many face here. ARe you still seeing your counsellor? There's probably others here who can help more with you being in a another country from your family. I do know of someone who did a midnight dash and fled the country with DC (to the UK) and was taken in by WA and they stayed here, but really don't know the legalities (like you say over kidnap), but makes the finances less of the issue.

take care