Boyfriend doesn't want kids - I love him, my heart is breaking - should I leave him?

[Nuttybiscuits]

I'm having a meltdown, I hope the lovely people of MN might be able to help me.

My wonderful, loving, gorgeous boyfriend of nearly 3 years doesn't want kids, and we are on the brink of splitting up over it.

A bit of background - He had a vasectomy when in a previous marriage. He has never wanted kids, and has never regretted his decision. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me this when we first met, and actually waited until we had been together over a year before he dropped this bombshell, despite me making it clear I wanted kids in the future.

At that time, he told me that he might be prepared to get it reversed, but needed a little time to think about it. That was a year and a half ago, and since then we have talked, argued, agreed to think about it on and off every few months. We have researched vasectomy reversal surgeons, and I have had to come to terms with the fact that we might be infertile forever (I'm 34 so we don't have a huge amount of time to get things sorted either). In the meantime, we have fallen completely in love, and have had a very happy time together. I can honestly say, I have never been so happy with a partner (apart from this very large problem), and having been through plenty of rubbish relationships, I really don't want to let this one go.

Crunch time has arrived - a few months ago, he told me he was ready to do it, thought he did want kids and would have the reversal operation in January. He saw his GP, and chose a surgeon. I begged him to get it booked so that we didn't argue about it over Christmas... but of course he didn't, and so the subject came up again. He completely melted down, said he didn't want to do it and that if that meant that we would have to split up then so be it.

We have spent the last 2 weeks evaluating our relationship, trying to decide what to do. We love each other, make each other so happy and want to have a future together. But he still doesn't want kids. We have faced the prospect of splitting up, but it makes me so sad to think about it, I basically refused to leave him when it came to it. He is trying to persuade himself to do it, realises what he stands to lose and occasionally thinks he might want kids, agrees that it could be lovely.. but then panics and says he really doesn't want to do it.

I have been trying to persuade him - he'd make a wonderful father, we are financially secure, no issues at all. We have a great life which would only get better with children. He is scared of the usual stuff - losing his freedom, having responsibility and thinks he might resent the child in years to come.

I have to decide whether I stay with him regardless and give up on my dream of ever having a family of my own (something I find very hard to contemplate), stay with him and hope he changes his mind once the pressure is off (difficult, would require a lot of strength and I'm struggling to be patient after 1.5 yrs), or leave the love of my life to take my chances that I might find someone else who wants a family with me.

I'm trying my best not to bring it up with him, to give him the space to think - but it's so hard to try and carry on a normal life when all the while I'm thinking that we could split up next week - hence me venting my thoughts on here I guess. What would you do in my situation?

Good for you op.

My question was going to be what he did say during the time you didn't know and yet mentioned that you did want children.

Now is the time to stay strong because you may want to go back to him. Please make sure this is decided by your head not your heart.

Well done, OP. i did similar, was married and pregnant under two years later at 35. Never give up. It takes courage to walk away, and that was the best thing I did.

I was the one who didnt want kids, btw!

Good for you Nutty, i'm sure things will work out for you in the end.
Having a baby is a natural progression of most relationships and if a one half of a couple cannot be sure what they want then leaving is for the best, however hard.
It's just a shame he led you up the garden path for so long, leading you into believing he had changed his mind when infact he hadn't
Bestwishes with your future op

Where are you now Nutty? I hope you have somewhere nice to stay while you sort yourself out.
you will look back on this and be proud that you rescued your future and your autonomy with such dignity.

Nutty, I'm so sorry you've had to make this decision, but I wanted to say that I think you've done the right thing. I spent 6 years in a very similar situation. I'm going to tell you my story so you can see what the alternative to leaving could have been.

In my case, he didn't forget his V, before we were in a relationship he said he knew how important having children was to me, and would get it reversed to have children with me, but then spent the next 6 years changing his mind back and forth. On one occasion, he'd even had the VR booked for a few months, and then cancelled the day before. I honestly think, like others have said, that he thought I would just say 'ok, I can see this is hard for you, let's not bother.' And when I didn't, would say that he would understand if I wanted to end it, and then he'd change his mind back, and say he'd do it. Then he wouldn't, because he was scared of the op, so we opted to use donor sperm.

Eventually, when I was 41, just a couple of months after I'd had a miscarriage, he left me for a woman he'd been seeing on the side, whose own children were grown up.

That was the best thing he could have done. I was so messed up by then, because of his repeated changes of mind (and my own issues), that I couldn't see what the other ladies here have seen straight away in your OP. I have no problem with him not wanting children - he's a selfish man who's a very poor father to the children he had before his V (he never wanted them, either, and they know this) and is absolutely right that he's not cut out for fatherhood. What I still struggle with is that he messed me around, and effectively took away my chance of motherhood, so that he could maintain the relationship and lifestyle he wanted

Nutty, you are a lot younger than I was, and I'm so pleased for you that you've got this chance to have the future you want. Even if it turns out not to have children in it, I'm afraid I think it will be better without this man. I'd also had disastrous relationships before, and have taken the time now to work out why, and why I put up with my ex and his games for so long.

I wish you the best of luck.

Well done. I definitely think you've done the right thing. The hard part now will be staying strong and staying away. Don't be fooled by any promises he gives you - unless he actually invites you to accompany to him to the hospital while he has his vasectomy reversal, assume it's all lies. Even then, bear in mind that a reversal might not work so getting back with him might still mean no children.

How are you feeling?

nutty I think you have been very brave, hope things work out for you. My DP always maintained he did not want children and I did so I sat him down and said either we have a child together or I had to move on, he agreed and DS2 was conceived almost immediately, sad part is he totally resents me said I forced him. ( bloody man child) Wish I had split with him then but hoped he would love being a dad, he never has, should have listened to my gut instinct

You have been very brave. Hang in there. x

Good for you Nutty, this is the start of a new life for you in which you can do what you want. Be strong and stay away from him as others have said, don't get sucked back in.

Well done nutty. It must hurt so much, but at least you know the score and you can look for the future you want.

I know you must hurt so much at the moment but we are all right behind you.

Take care

Well done for that op, I hope you have a good place to go. Gather your friends, tell them, and make a plan for every night and weekend, even if it's just home spa or something.

Don't talk to him for a few weeks to let any emotional attachment that might cloud your decision to leave make you want to go back.

You sound very empowered and it's your life. You only go round once.

I don't mean to be hard on you. But didn't you know that you wanted children when you were younger? Are you sure that your desire for them is so strong, or maybe it's just what you think you should want?

I find it hard to believe that someone can have a burning desire to have children and not realise until she is in her mid-thirties, to be honest.

That said, it is also very, very odd that he didn't mention his desire not to have children (AND his vasectomy) right from the start.

All the best of luck to you, OP. I hope you find what you want, I really do.

she says she does!! sometimes it comes later for people. he withheld a very important fact from her.

i had no desire for children when i was in my twenties either, never crossed my mind.

op, i hope too that you find your way through this, you have been brave yes, but you only have one life luvvy. xxx

Well done, Nutty. The year long lie would have been a deal breaker for me.

Nutty, it hurts now but you're free now to have your happy ending.

I met my OH aged 35. We now have three wonderful kids.
Good luck. You have made the right decision.

I once knew a very well heeled single man who, being adamant that he did not want dc, had a vasectomy without his gf's knowledge.

He didn't just not want to have dc with her, he also didn't want paternity suits winging his way from any of the ow he was screwing.

Well done. Also, to an extent, well done him for finally speaking up clearly and saying he doesn't want children, rather than bleating and begging and promising to 'think about it'.

And one more cheering thought for you: despite all the voices of doom about women's fertility declining in their 30s, I had my DS at the age of 39 and he was unplanned, so it can and does happen.

My mum got pregnant at 41, unplanned, after 16 years after she had me.

well done, both of you.

I'm glad he was totally honest and didn't try to string you along.
and that you found the strength you need.

I didn't think you'd do it - well done.

I don't think this relationship was as good as you thought it was - he strikes me as very manipulative, waiting until you were heavily emotionally invested in the relationship to spring the news of the vasectomy despite knowing you wanted kids, and saying he "forgot" he'd had one ("forgot" my arse!). Even if you don't ever have children, you deserve a better relationship than the one with him - you sound lovely.

Oh good luck OP, it must be one hell of a turmoil at the moment. Keep your friends, family and MN close for support.
Don't want to sound patronising - but very proud that you have taken a tough decision - first step towards a positive and fulfilling life for you, and fingers crossed that includes a good man and a family eventually.

Oh Nutty, you have been so brave. And I believe you have done the right thing. I have been through this myself and am in the process of selling the house we shared. It's bloody hard, but you will get through it.