Boyfriend doesn't want kids - I love him, my heart is breaking - should I leave him?

[Nuttybiscuits]

I'm having a meltdown, I hope the lovely people of MN might be able to help me.

My wonderful, loving, gorgeous boyfriend of nearly 3 years doesn't want kids, and we are on the brink of splitting up over it.

A bit of background - He had a vasectomy when in a previous marriage. He has never wanted kids, and has never regretted his decision. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me this when we first met, and actually waited until we had been together over a year before he dropped this bombshell, despite me making it clear I wanted kids in the future.

At that time, he told me that he might be prepared to get it reversed, but needed a little time to think about it. That was a year and a half ago, and since then we have talked, argued, agreed to think about it on and off every few months. We have researched vasectomy reversal surgeons, and I have had to come to terms with the fact that we might be infertile forever (I'm 34 so we don't have a huge amount of time to get things sorted either). In the meantime, we have fallen completely in love, and have had a very happy time together. I can honestly say, I have never been so happy with a partner (apart from this very large problem), and having been through plenty of rubbish relationships, I really don't want to let this one go.

Crunch time has arrived - a few months ago, he told me he was ready to do it, thought he did want kids and would have the reversal operation in January. He saw his GP, and chose a surgeon. I begged him to get it booked so that we didn't argue about it over Christmas... but of course he didn't, and so the subject came up again. He completely melted down, said he didn't want to do it and that if that meant that we would have to split up then so be it.

We have spent the last 2 weeks evaluating our relationship, trying to decide what to do. We love each other, make each other so happy and want to have a future together. But he still doesn't want kids. We have faced the prospect of splitting up, but it makes me so sad to think about it, I basically refused to leave him when it came to it. He is trying to persuade himself to do it, realises what he stands to lose and occasionally thinks he might want kids, agrees that it could be lovely.. but then panics and says he really doesn't want to do it.

I have been trying to persuade him - he'd make a wonderful father, we are financially secure, no issues at all. We have a great life which would only get better with children. He is scared of the usual stuff - losing his freedom, having responsibility and thinks he might resent the child in years to come.

I have to decide whether I stay with him regardless and give up on my dream of ever having a family of my own (something I find very hard to contemplate), stay with him and hope he changes his mind once the pressure is off (difficult, would require a lot of strength and I'm struggling to be patient after 1.5 yrs), or leave the love of my life to take my chances that I might find someone else who wants a family with me.

I'm trying my best not to bring it up with him, to give him the space to think - but it's so hard to try and carry on a normal life when all the while I'm thinking that we could split up next week - hence me venting my thoughts on here I guess. What would you do in my situation?

[monsteramunch]

@EarthSight @ThePatriarchyIsNotAboutHorses

Zombie alert - the original thread is a decade old!

[EarthSight]

@monsteramunch Bloodyhell. Why do they do this to us????😅

[AgatheC]

I am in a very similar situation to yours so I'm not sure I have much advice. I face the same struggle. I love him and he is by far the healthiest, happiest relationship I've ever had. But I'm 32, time is running out, and he doesn't want children. His reasons are perfectly valid, the one on top being his age (he is a lot older than me). I am trying to ascertain whether my present happiness is more important than a potential future one. I do tend to believe that it is a shame to throw away something beautiful just because you have "better plans" for your future.

At the moment I am considering freezing my eggs (have seen a few specialists about that and there doesn't seem to be any issues for me to go forward with that). I feel fine not having children right this instant. But I also would not be able to stand seeing myself getting further and further away from the possibility the older I get. This would be a safety net of some sorts, so I don't end up resenting him if staying with him now meant I'd lose my opening.

Maybe we'll work out as we are and we'll never have kids, and I'll find joy in that - as I do presently. Maybe we'll split up and I'll meet someone else and have kids with them (naturally or not). Maybe he'll change his mind - after all I am considering changing mind. I just would never stay with that hope in sight.

I've had a hard life, to make it short. He brings me joy, and maybe that is more important at the moment that the ticking of my biological clock.

[Feelingslightlyuneasy]

@Nuttybiscuits

Notactually - I admire you, I'm not sure if I could have the courage of my convictions as you do. I would like to think I would, and I don't doubt that I would enjoy my life... but how did you get past that urge to become a mother?

Balloonslayer Yeah I can see how it looks like that. He is worried about how he has treated me, and feels awful about it. But it's not enough to make him do anything about it, clearly...

dequoisagitil - I have been reluctant to say this on here because of the slating I know he will get... but would you believe he told me he actually forgot he had had a vasectomy? Of course, I asked him how could he not have told me earlier, when I made it clear I wanted kids, or when he saw me taking the pill every day...? He said that because it happened so long ago, and because he had never thought about it from that day onwards, it just didnt occur to him. Of course, I found that hard to believe, but he is adamant, that although it sounds ridiculous, he never thought about it, until I finally pushed the subject of having kids.

My story is the reversal of yours, OP, in that I was married in my early 30’s to a man who already had one child from his previous marriage.
Id made it clear from the start that I didn’t want children, and he thought he could change my mind.

He put a lot of pressure on me, and even if I had changed my mind, I know I would be deeply unhappy with the lack of freedom and generally drudgery that comes with having a child. I’m glad I didn’t change my mind (now mid 40’s) and we are divorced - not sure if he has gone on to have another child. Him pushing made me absolute certain I didn’t want children, I just saw a stretch of years ahead of me where I could never do anything just for me again, and my whole life becoming about children.

I think your partner is clearly telling you he does not want children, it sounds like he loves you and you have a great relationship, but imagine if the roles were reversed here and he was pressurising you to do something you don’t want to do (remain childless)

Its clear you both want separate things, and it can’t be a decision of ‘If there’s nothing better out there then I’ll stick with you and not have a baby’ because you will resent him and end up pushing him away anyway. I guess what I’m trying to say, is you should respect his decision and he respect yours - you want different things and neither would be happy making the compromise for the other, and all that entails.

Best of luck xx

[Bonmot57]

Zombie thread.

[Ofcourseshecan]

OP, you want children, and he is never going to be a willing father. You can recover from breaking up with someone you love — people do this all the time. But if you leave it too late to have children, you will probably always regret that.