Boyfriend doesn't want kids - I love him, my heart is breaking - should I leave him?

[Nuttybiscuits]

I'm having a meltdown, I hope the lovely people of MN might be able to help me.

My wonderful, loving, gorgeous boyfriend of nearly 3 years doesn't want kids, and we are on the brink of splitting up over it.

A bit of background - He had a vasectomy when in a previous marriage. He has never wanted kids, and has never regretted his decision. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me this when we first met, and actually waited until we had been together over a year before he dropped this bombshell, despite me making it clear I wanted kids in the future.

At that time, he told me that he might be prepared to get it reversed, but needed a little time to think about it. That was a year and a half ago, and since then we have talked, argued, agreed to think about it on and off every few months. We have researched vasectomy reversal surgeons, and I have had to come to terms with the fact that we might be infertile forever (I'm 34 so we don't have a huge amount of time to get things sorted either). In the meantime, we have fallen completely in love, and have had a very happy time together. I can honestly say, I have never been so happy with a partner (apart from this very large problem), and having been through plenty of rubbish relationships, I really don't want to let this one go.

Crunch time has arrived - a few months ago, he told me he was ready to do it, thought he did want kids and would have the reversal operation in January. He saw his GP, and chose a surgeon. I begged him to get it booked so that we didn't argue about it over Christmas... but of course he didn't, and so the subject came up again. He completely melted down, said he didn't want to do it and that if that meant that we would have to split up then so be it.

We have spent the last 2 weeks evaluating our relationship, trying to decide what to do. We love each other, make each other so happy and want to have a future together. But he still doesn't want kids. We have faced the prospect of splitting up, but it makes me so sad to think about it, I basically refused to leave him when it came to it. He is trying to persuade himself to do it, realises what he stands to lose and occasionally thinks he might want kids, agrees that it could be lovely.. but then panics and says he really doesn't want to do it.

I have been trying to persuade him - he'd make a wonderful father, we are financially secure, no issues at all. We have a great life which would only get better with children. He is scared of the usual stuff - losing his freedom, having responsibility and thinks he might resent the child in years to come.

I have to decide whether I stay with him regardless and give up on my dream of ever having a family of my own (something I find very hard to contemplate), stay with him and hope he changes his mind once the pressure is off (difficult, would require a lot of strength and I'm struggling to be patient after 1.5 yrs), or leave the love of my life to take my chances that I might find someone else who wants a family with me.

I'm trying my best not to bring it up with him, to give him the space to think - but it's so hard to try and carry on a normal life when all the while I'm thinking that we could split up next week - hence me venting my thoughts on here I guess. What would you do in my situation?

[Rosewatersyrup]

I'm in the same situation. I love him so much but it Hurts that he doesn't want children. We agreed that he would think about it. Its been nearly one year and he still doesn't know. I really don't know what to do. Im just miserable and sobbing when I watch TV commercials with babies in it. I'm 34 and he is 38.

[Dowser]

Haven’t read the full thread but his heart isn’t in it
Yours is
I’d just quietly pack a bag and tell him you want a child so badly that you can’t envisage a childless future.

My friend always wanted children l never found the right guy but that flame was so strong in her she just went for it
Aged 45 she gave birth to triplet boys and I think is the happiest mother on the planet.

There is no guarantee this guy will stay with you..heck mine left after 30 odd years but my children and grandchildren pulled me through it.

[ThePinkOcelot]

Zombie thread!!

[Rosewatersyrup]

Keep alive we must lol

[KataraJean]

Ha, I got to page four before I realised! Wonder what the OP decided in the end.

[Rosewatersyrup]

They decided to TTC but I also wonder if she got pregnant in in the end

[KataraJean]

Ah, thank you, I hope they were successful and happy

[gubbsywubbsy]

@Nana19 ... is that for real? 🤔...

[Hey222]

Hi nuttybiscuit I’ve read your posts and wanted to know what ultimately happened?
I’m going through the same exact thing, minus the vasectomy part. He just literally doesn’t want to try.

[Scorpiovenus]

your not compatible.

You need to go your separate ways

[DestinyHope]

Forget trying to have kids with this man he was deceitful from the start and didn't tell you about his vasectomy. I couldn't forgive someone who wasn't honest with me let alone try and convince them to have a kid with me.

[1forAll74]

I think that you will have to leave each other if this issue is tormenting you so much,and in a way,tormenting your partner. Despite your love for each other, this is not going to go away, and may eventually consume you,and make you,maybe not angry or bitter,but very very sad for years,if you both cannot have some compromise in some way,and I haven't a clue what that might be. Good luck.

[FlyOnTheWall89]

Flicked through most of this old thread. I am intrigued to.... what happened NuttyBiscuits? I am in a similar position with a guy I’ve been with for 7 years who has always sat on the fence about kids and whilst he can’t give me a clear answer, I don’t want to just wait it out and waste time!

[Intheheat]

My partner told me he had had a vasectomy on our second date. Once we got serious HE organised the reversal and we ttc for 2 years before going for 4 rounds of IVF which didn't work. We then adopted 2 children. My point being he did everything in his power to help us have a family. I am still sad not to have had birth children but l love our two very much and would not be without them. I think you will feel resentful and sad if you stay with this guy. He is not making enough effort to help you realise your dream.

[WombOfOnesOwn]

Not the OP, but had a very similar experience with a boyfriend I truly adored. He didn't want children.

He told me, full of spite, "I hope when you look at your CHILD someday, you remember that you loved IT more than ME."

Sometimes, when I look at my beautiful sons, in my gorgeous house with my incredible husband, I think to myself, "You were so right! I certainly do!"

I realized that him not wanting kids was not just an incompatibility in the most obvious way, it also was a fundamental difference in character. He told me he didn't want a baby because he knew that it would distract our attention away from one another, but really, he meant it would distract me from always being available for him in every way he wanted: emotionally, intellectually, physically, sexually.

A partner who already sees a child as competition, rather than the development of your family, is a bad partner for any woman who wants to become a mother someday.

Many of the men who "never want" children, once their partner has aged out of childbearing, divorce that partner and start a family while in their 40s or 50s. I've seen it happen so many times, and it's infuriating to watch women who gave up a happiness they truly desired for men who swore they wanted the freedom of childlessness, all to end up alone, watching social media as their friends' kids graduate high school and their ex's kids learn to walk.

[WaitingInTheBushesOfLove]

I know it's a zombie thread but

i really hope things worked out for you @Nuttybiscuits

[ittooshallpass]

Flyonthewall... please leave him. You've waited 7 years already. Don't wait any more!

[Gre8scott]

The arrival of children smash up the strongest of realtionships. The contast crying up, all night you, needing him to help you. I was ill afer delivery its not all sumshine and and rainbows some days are a fucking nightmare we didnt have any more as it effected our relationship so much and we wanted them
You cant make him want them and you cant not want them i think id leave
I hope you work it out xxx

[Skittlenommer]

Don’t try and persuade him. That’s not the right thing to do! He would never, ever enjoy being a father because he doesn’t want children. If you do you have to leave and have children with someone else.

But as a blissfully happily married childfree woman I can tell you not having kids is nothing short of fabulous! We sleep in, travel the world, laugh constantly and have a life of self-indulgent freedom! There is more to life than having kids!

[Skittlenommer]

Just read this update:

He had the vasectomy reversal operation, and although it's early days and we still don't know whether it was a success, we are currently TTC.

I hope it works out for you genuinely but I think it’ll end in tears!

[rosabug]

I'm 58 and have one grown up child - so here's some long perspective.

I have friends who are in long relationships and didn't. One couple because of his health issues. They are very wealthy and are very happy having a very strong relationship. 2 other couples where the man didn't want any, so the women gave up on their desire. Both couples are still together, but I can't help feeling the women were robbed. It puts the woman in an impossible and horrific situation. If a man is prepared to stay with his partner for the long haul and loves her, I'm not sure why they can't give their partners a child or how they can live with themselves knowing they can always option out of the situation, but their partners can't. However, these couples all have very interesting careers and lives, with lots of friends and activity. If you are a more conventional couple then you will grow bored and restless. You have to be a very strong couple with many resources, plans and incentives to survive this long term. Love or 'being in love' pales in the long term compared to lifestyle decisions. Believe me.

If you want a classic family situation then you need to leave and keep trying - even it it doesn't happen, it's worth the risk and who knows where it might lead. I had mine when I was 36, she was an accident and my long term on/off boyfriend committed to me for some years. It all ended disastrously with much pain, but I never would have had my girl without it. Remember this: NOTHING last forever. So if you are weighing up the risk against some notion of losing this 'love' forever - think again - you have no idea what will happen, don't gamble your fertility on a relationship.

[GirlInADirtyShirt]

Hi NB,

I appreciate this is a very late reply, but I've found myself in a very simillar situation. I'm 34, he's 40. I'd be interested to know what you decided to do?

Thanks ☺️ x

[EarthSight]

He's a twat. Sorry OP, but he didn't tell a woman IN HER EARLY 30s for a whole year that he'd had a vasectomy, a woman who clearly wanted children.

He didn't wait OP. He lied by not telling you about something that was most probably life changing. I don't know how I would handle that kind of deceit.

[ThePatriarchyIsNotAboutHorses]

He has been fairly clear - if you want to have kids then it won’t be with him.

if you really want them don’t waste a single fertile month more on a relationship of what ifs.