Boyfriend doesn't want kids - I love him, my heart is breaking - should I leave him?

[Nuttybiscuits]

I'm having a meltdown, I hope the lovely people of MN might be able to help me.

My wonderful, loving, gorgeous boyfriend of nearly 3 years doesn't want kids, and we are on the brink of splitting up over it.

A bit of background - He had a vasectomy when in a previous marriage. He has never wanted kids, and has never regretted his decision. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me this when we first met, and actually waited until we had been together over a year before he dropped this bombshell, despite me making it clear I wanted kids in the future.

At that time, he told me that he might be prepared to get it reversed, but needed a little time to think about it. That was a year and a half ago, and since then we have talked, argued, agreed to think about it on and off every few months. We have researched vasectomy reversal surgeons, and I have had to come to terms with the fact that we might be infertile forever (I'm 34 so we don't have a huge amount of time to get things sorted either). In the meantime, we have fallen completely in love, and have had a very happy time together. I can honestly say, I have never been so happy with a partner (apart from this very large problem), and having been through plenty of rubbish relationships, I really don't want to let this one go.

Crunch time has arrived - a few months ago, he told me he was ready to do it, thought he did want kids and would have the reversal operation in January. He saw his GP, and chose a surgeon. I begged him to get it booked so that we didn't argue about it over Christmas... but of course he didn't, and so the subject came up again. He completely melted down, said he didn't want to do it and that if that meant that we would have to split up then so be it.

We have spent the last 2 weeks evaluating our relationship, trying to decide what to do. We love each other, make each other so happy and want to have a future together. But he still doesn't want kids. We have faced the prospect of splitting up, but it makes me so sad to think about it, I basically refused to leave him when it came to it. He is trying to persuade himself to do it, realises what he stands to lose and occasionally thinks he might want kids, agrees that it could be lovely.. but then panics and says he really doesn't want to do it.

I have been trying to persuade him - he'd make a wonderful father, we are financially secure, no issues at all. We have a great life which would only get better with children. He is scared of the usual stuff - losing his freedom, having responsibility and thinks he might resent the child in years to come.

I have to decide whether I stay with him regardless and give up on my dream of ever having a family of my own (something I find very hard to contemplate), stay with him and hope he changes his mind once the pressure is off (difficult, would require a lot of strength and I'm struggling to be patient after 1.5 yrs), or leave the love of my life to take my chances that I might find someone else who wants a family with me.

I'm trying my best not to bring it up with him, to give him the space to think - but it's so hard to try and carry on a normal life when all the while I'm thinking that we could split up next week - hence me venting my thoughts on here I guess. What would you do in my situation?

My previous post should have said

He is hoping you will change your mind,

You are hoping he will change his mind.

I would say Boyf, I love you very much and we have had some great times together but my desire for children is too much so I am calling time on our relationship and will be moving out on X. Then say and do nothing but do leave. You can't trust him and if he spouts all his previous bollocks do not fall for it again. If he says not much then that is your answer too.

I asked DH the day we met if he wanted marriage and kids. He said yes and we started seeing each other. Now married with 3 DCs. I had previously lived with someone who didn't want marriage but I convinced myself I'd rather have him and no ring than not at all. Kidding myself and even when I did get the ring he didn't really mean it .

Your boyfriend sounds manipulative. This might be a wonderful relationship but it doesn't sound as if it's moving forward in any way. He is behaving very badly and is making you the bad guy and responsible for the breakup.

Was gonna say - dont let this be you !

My DH (16 years older than me) was married for 15 years and he and his ExW never wanted children. Adamant on that fact.

However, when we got together he completely and utterly wanted children (and fast as he was 46 when we married). I look back now at home videos of him interacting with children in the 90s and he has always been brilliant with them, while his ExW sat in the corner, legs drawn up, not at all comfortable with them. She didn't want children and he went along with it.

So I guess what I'm saying is, if your DP really wanted to have children with you, 1) he wouldn't have 'forgotten' his vascectomy and 2) he'd have wanted to reverse it fairly soon afer falling in love with you.

His happiness in your relationship is based on the status quo, not on bringing a child into the equation. The vascectomy is almost a moot point - he doesn't want children and you are going to have to decide whether you can live with that.

I saw a programme on BBC4 this week about a fertility clinic. The head Dr said that reproduction is part of being a living being (along with movement, respiration etc if you remember any biology from school!). Of course there are people who do not want to have children but if you have 'the urge' it may only get stronger until you perceive that every woman you see is pregnant or has a baby; every other shop on the high street will seem to be a Mothercare; you will notice children everywhere.

You have tried to persuade him for 1.5 years. If you remain with him, how long do you think it would take until that 'urge' fades away? 1.5 years? 3 years? What if it only gets stronger and then it's too late.

Please, please consider finding someone else. I don't even think a trial separation will work actually. He isn't going to change his mind so it'll all be down to whether you can forget your desire for children.

Oh and one last thing - having a child is bloody amazing. Hard work at times but just amazing.

Good luck.

I'd echo what others have said - no way did he 'forget' about his vasectomy for eighteen months. Crock. Of. Shit.

Also, I'd add that just because you think your partner is great for you in every other way, it doesn't mean that he is the only guy who is great for you. There's plenty out there and you are clearly an intelligent woman, thoughtful and honest, with strong family values. You're a catch, and there will be someone else out there who matches you and who will want to raise a family with you.

Leave him, take a breather, write a plan of what you'd like to do and achieve in the next 34 yrs of your life, and set to it.

OP - how many relationships did he have between his marriage breaking up and you?

I'd be interested to discover whether or not he had a few experiences, before meeting you, of finding a woman he really liked, dating her, mentioning his vasectomy and getting promptly dumped.

This might explain his "forgetfulness."

Thanks, Balloon, I meant to say something along those lines as well. It may not be right, but I could understand why he might have kept it quiet if that's the case - and I have known guys who ca'tn have kids be dumped immediately they have told their girlfriend, no matter their great qualities. I could imagine, if that kept happen repeatedly you might withhold the info until a time when you thought it might not be an issue for a girlfriend in the hope they might love you enough to consider not having kids. Repeat, not right, but possibly understandable.

I would be really pissed off that he didn't tell you about the vasectomy. That's really selfish and devious imo. A bit of a dealbreaker no? However, I know what it's like when your in love; not easy to let go.

Honestly? I really think he is trying to break up with you (pushing for a trial separation?, going back on his promise to have the reversal).

I hate to say this as you sound so very keen on him, but from the very little information you have provided, i think he is looking for a get out clause (and would rather you did the dirty deed)

I agree with the last few posters.

If he had told you from the outset when you were clear you wanted children that he didn't and that he had a vasectomy to make sure of this you could have walked away without any pain or hurt.

He didn't. He deliberately didn't tell you until you were emotionally involved with him and your decision is now a lot harder.

He doesn't want children.

If you want them it is not going to be with this man.

I would end it now before you get much older

You aren't going to get a baby from him. He doesn't want one, he's not physically capable and he simply won't go through all that's involved to conceive one via IVF. You need to get your head round that. There are no ultimatums here - it's stay with him and accept no baby, or leave him and make it possible. You won't have a baby by him, no way no how. Sorry.

Reversing a vasectomy isn't very easy either, even if he had it reversed it wouldn't necessarily work.

I'd find someone who could give you children and wanted to.

I have no advice, I just wanted to send love and say how sorry I am you're in this situation. It's a painful one where there's no perfect option, isn't it? I hope that if you do leave it shocks him into a reversal, and at least trying. I so hope things work out for you.

I'd be looking at sperm donation if I were you.

^and egg freezing.

OP I really feel for you. I was in exactly the same position 11 years ago. My ex told me on our first date that he'd had a vasectomy and loved his 2 DSs so much he would never consider more children (he was divorced). Kids weren't on my radar and he was special, so I stayed with him. 18 months on in a great relationship with him and his 2DSs, I realised that one day I wanted to be a mummy too.... After many tears (both of us) we split up and I was heart broken. I met a man a year later who turned out to be the love of my life. Eventually we married and spent 3 years TTC. Much IVF later and I have 2 DSs and a third DS on the way. I rarely give my ex a thought. Really hope you come to the right decision for you. Big Hug

OP - there are lots of lovely men out there. You appear to have honed your twat radar a bit over the years and you can fall in love again.

Parenting is really hard work, especially when you try so hard to fight for it! It puts more pressure on, and in your case it is very one sided.

We had fertility problems, H (who was fantastic with kids and desperate to be a dad) wanted medical treatment (which we tried unsuccessfully up to a point) I wanted to adopt. I waited for him to bring the subject of adoption up again before we went ahead as I needed to be sure that he really wanted to, that I wasn't pressurising him iyswim.

We adopted two DC's, he turned out to be a terrible father, I kicked him out, we are getting divorced.

If we hadn't had kids I would have probably stayed with him as parenting changed him into a selfish angry monster.

You CANNOT predict what someone will be like as a parent, with the pressure that goes with it - nothing can prepare you.

Your "lovely" relationship is changed forever by this issue, whether you separate/stay together with or without children.

I am also fairly sure that he did not forget about his vasectomy. That is a red flag. Also that he refuses to discuss the issue and you are walking on eggshells.

I advise that you plan a future without him.

OP, did the two of you discuss contraception when you first met? How did that conversation go?

I would have thought that, contraception aside (if that's possible), the first time you said you wanted a baby, he should have said that that would not be possible with him. You were what, 31 then? And he would know that if you were to get pregnant, you'd need to start to plan. He didn't say a word.

How did you find out about the vasectomy?

Just another thing... if you two split up it's inevitable that at some point he'll have another girlfriend. It's more than likely she'll have a child herself. He could go younger, of course, but then risks her wanting a child later. The only way he can have a romantic relationship is to say in the first week of meeting - I have no children. I don't want any children. I have no intention of having any children. He doesn't do that, does he?

Hi everyone - well, after the flood of support and overwhelming encouragement I took the plunge tonight. He came home, acting like all was well with the world - I told him we had to make a decision now.

He said that although he loves me, he still really doesn't want kids. I packed my bags - he got upset, said that he realises he's messing up the best thing that ever happened to him, can't believe he's doing this to us, but just didn't want to risk trying for a child. I left.

I'll be fine, but its the hardest saddest thing I have ever done. Thank you all for your support xx

Oh I'm sorry nuttybiscuits. I do think you've made the best decision for your peace of mind though.

Best wishes for the future - you'll get through this.

Nutty If the desire to have children is strong, then you did the right thing, he should have told you long ago, keep going girl, you'll do just fine x

Nutty I'm so sorry. What a turmoil you must be in. You only posted this morning...

I'm sure you are doing the right thing although it must feel very wrong right now. Sending you best wishes.

I think it's time to move on . If he feels so strongly about it, you would definitely not want him to feel that you had forced his hand once you did have children..

Not read all the thread, but this was the issue for my first wife and I - she wanted kids, and I didn't, so what can you do?