Boyfriend doesn't want kids - I love him, my heart is breaking - should I leave him?

[Nuttybiscuits]

I'm having a meltdown, I hope the lovely people of MN might be able to help me.

My wonderful, loving, gorgeous boyfriend of nearly 3 years doesn't want kids, and we are on the brink of splitting up over it.

A bit of background - He had a vasectomy when in a previous marriage. He has never wanted kids, and has never regretted his decision. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me this when we first met, and actually waited until we had been together over a year before he dropped this bombshell, despite me making it clear I wanted kids in the future.

At that time, he told me that he might be prepared to get it reversed, but needed a little time to think about it. That was a year and a half ago, and since then we have talked, argued, agreed to think about it on and off every few months. We have researched vasectomy reversal surgeons, and I have had to come to terms with the fact that we might be infertile forever (I'm 34 so we don't have a huge amount of time to get things sorted either). In the meantime, we have fallen completely in love, and have had a very happy time together. I can honestly say, I have never been so happy with a partner (apart from this very large problem), and having been through plenty of rubbish relationships, I really don't want to let this one go.

Crunch time has arrived - a few months ago, he told me he was ready to do it, thought he did want kids and would have the reversal operation in January. He saw his GP, and chose a surgeon. I begged him to get it booked so that we didn't argue about it over Christmas... but of course he didn't, and so the subject came up again. He completely melted down, said he didn't want to do it and that if that meant that we would have to split up then so be it.

We have spent the last 2 weeks evaluating our relationship, trying to decide what to do. We love each other, make each other so happy and want to have a future together. But he still doesn't want kids. We have faced the prospect of splitting up, but it makes me so sad to think about it, I basically refused to leave him when it came to it. He is trying to persuade himself to do it, realises what he stands to lose and occasionally thinks he might want kids, agrees that it could be lovely.. but then panics and says he really doesn't want to do it.

I have been trying to persuade him - he'd make a wonderful father, we are financially secure, no issues at all. We have a great life which would only get better with children. He is scared of the usual stuff - losing his freedom, having responsibility and thinks he might resent the child in years to come.

I have to decide whether I stay with him regardless and give up on my dream of ever having a family of my own (something I find very hard to contemplate), stay with him and hope he changes his mind once the pressure is off (difficult, would require a lot of strength and I'm struggling to be patient after 1.5 yrs), or leave the love of my life to take my chances that I might find someone else who wants a family with me.

I'm trying my best not to bring it up with him, to give him the space to think - but it's so hard to try and carry on a normal life when all the while I'm thinking that we could split up next week - hence me venting my thoughts on here I guess. What would you do in my situation?

Well done for doing what is right for you and being true to yourself unlike him who can't be true to the woman he says he loves.

Saying "I can't believe I am doing this to you" is just bollocks. He thinks it sounds good, shows he has no control. Is bollocks. I may have said that already .

Hope you are ok Nutty.

Stay strong. It is tough but if you believe, deep down, you made the right decision for the right reasons, it will be OK.

He is nowhere near as nice as you think OP, the way he treated you was shabby: dishonesty, not telling you about the vasectomy until well into the relationship, then messing you around for two years with the will-he / won't he, "we're so great together", "I'm hurting you soooo much" bullshit. Bet he's lied about other things too.

A vasectomy reversal would in any case mean only a slim chance of him becoming a biological father, even assuming no other fertility problems. And might mean you had to have ivf. He would not be someone who would support you through, say, fertility treatment or a miscarriage. He would always waver and create yet more pain and drama.

No-contact is the way to go, otherwise he will mess with your head and make it difficult to move on.

Nutty well done, you have done the right thing. Hope you are ok

Stay.

Get a puppy.

Good luck. You are doing the right thing.

You cannot force another person to go through surgery and fatherhood against their will.

You cannot bring a child to this world who has a father who does not want him/her.

Nutty I hope you are OK. FWIW I think you did the right thing.

I always wanted kids and thought I'd missed the boat. At 33 I was escaping from a relationship with an arsehole.

Just over 5 years later I'm with a lovely man, we have a gorgeous 4yo boy and a little girl on the way too.

It can all happen very quickly! Wishing you luck and strength :)

pylonic, why dont you just offer the op your children, when clearly you dont want to parent?

I think having a vasectomy before you've had children is an extraordinary and extreme thing to do. I think he isn't father material and if you want children very badly, you will have to leave.

I see you've already made the decision. Well done. And All the best for the futur.e

Hi everyone - I'm finally back online after turning my life upside down.

I just wanted to say thank you all so much for your overwhelming support. As someone pointed out up thread, I only posted that morning, then made the decision to leave that day. Truth is, I had been turning this problem over by myself for two weeks, and scouring the likes of MN looking for answers. I finally decided to post my own question, and had over 145 responses by the end of the day. I can't believe how many people took the time to offer support

It really helped me to focus my mind and bring the issue to a head. Leaving was awful, but I'm incredibly lucky (or sensible) to have kept my own house when I moved in with BF, so I just moved straight back in to my own place, family and friends all around me.

Life is ok - I have realised how much I missed being here, so I'm quite content. BF is telling me that he realises he's made a huge mess, loves me and can't believe what an idiot he is being - it literally took me leaving for him to realise the consequences of his actions. He couldn't imagine it happening until it actually did. He is currently trying to figure out if he can change his mind on the kids thing - but I won't be going back unless I can accompany him to the surgery and watch them cutting open his balls

Thank you all again for being there, it means a lot
xx

Well done.

Stay strong - a hundred MNetters are holding your hand.

Oh Nutty just read this thread-you have made an incredibly tough decision and l admire you for your strength and resolve.
Have you considered what you would do IF you did go back after he agreed to get his vasectomy reversed and it is unsuccessful--the reversal operation has a very very poor success rate?
Anyway yet another MNer holding your hand x

Honestly, in his desperation to keep you now you've left, if he did have the reversal and on a slim chance it did work - you would still know that he didn't want dc...

Getting forced into changing his mind by the loss of you is not good enough for your potential dc. They deserve better. I can't imagine that could lead to a happy outcome in parenting - the temptation would be so strong, when the going gets tough (and it does), for him to throw it in your face and expect you to take the brunt because he never wanted dc. And the potential for him to (accidentally or not) transmit that feeling of not being wanted to the dc? No, not good.

I think it'd be better for you both to draw the line and accept you want different things in life.

I agree with dequois - if he does agree to the vasectomy reversal it won't be because he suddenly wants children, it's because he wants to hang onto you (which, remember, he was doing up until now by lying to you). I would see this as the end, completely, and just start moving on.

I would think the chances of him being able to father a child with a reversal very slim too.

Take care of yourself and be Happy.

Coming very late to this, Nutty, and glad that you've put some space between you as it does seem from your posts that he's dead set against children for a variety of reasons and has been stringing you along.

However, it is possible to harvest sperm directly from the testes/tissue (sorry, not up on the exact details) without reversing a vasectomy, and then creating an embryo using ICSI. A colleague of mine had had a vs after 2 children with his first wife - they divorced and he then met another woman who wanted children. He's a good few years older than her and was advised that the vs reversal may not work, so that was the route they took instead. Expensive, but they now have 3 children together (2nd child turned out to be twins).

Having said that, I think this man has made it painfully clear that he doesn't want children - he may well seem like great father material on the face of it, but when he has a child demanding attention when he wants to watch football/relax/go out/whatever, it becomes a different matter. I thought DH would be a great father, and when he's 'on', to be fair, he is. However as we all get older (we didn't have DD til our late 30's), I'm noticing he's far less patient and far more irritated at having to make compromises because of having to account for DD in the mix - and he was the one who wanted children, more than I did! Given that your partner comes from a position of not wanting children, I can't see him being all that tolerant. He didn't have a great role model either, from your posts, so I would be very doubtful on that score.

I can't remember the exact phrase, but he's told you who he is. Listen to him - he won't change.

Wishing you luck and happiness for the future :)

Glad you have your own place. To be honest, I think he sounds very selfish - it is only now that he has lost something that he is giving any thought to your feelings. This would be enough to confirm for me that he's just not a good partner. He really thought that you would just suck it up for the rest of your life on something so important.

I've read this thread from start to finish today, so didn't realise the outcome would be OP leaving her partner.

I have to say I was rooting for you doing this OP - well done.

I don't think you can trust him to be sincere if he does tell you he will get the VR done. He's not scared of surgery or he wouldn't have had a vasectomy when he did. He would only be offering to have the surgery to get you back and would probably be hoping that it wouldn't work anyway, which it probably wouldn't

You've done really well to get rid of him, do stick with it if you want to be a mum because as others have said, you will not have children with this man.

I knew that my own need to be a mum would always trump my feelings for any man and I would have done what you did. Hoping that you meet someone lovely before too long, who will be as committed to becoming a parent as you are. :)

It wouldn't just be the surgery, it'd be the uncertainty and possible procedures (for you both), money for, pressure of treatment etc afterwards. All the while not having confidence of his commitment or truthfulness.

Do you know anyone that has experienced fertility problems or gone through IVF multiple times? Testing on any relationship, let alone one where someone doesn't want DC.

Lovecat yes I know ICSI could be an option - however, we kind of decided (before he bailed out on me!!) that it was unfair for me to go through the procedure without us having tried the 'natural' way first - although I do wonder whether a VR would be a waste of time, and if we do decide to go for it, ICSI might be the better option.

What scares me is that I wouldn't want to begin any ICSI procedure just yet, I'd rather wait until next year. So, I wouldn't have anything 'concrete' from him, he wouldn't have to do anything, and could still change his mind at any time. So I wonder, am I insisting on a VR just to make him do something... which is clearly not the best reason..

Anyway, all of this is pie in the sky at the mo, because we are separated. He contacted me today to tell me that he loves and misses me, and can we meet tomorrow. He asked whether we can make this work - I told him there is only one way to make it work, which is of course to agree to try. But I am very apprehensive about agreeing to anything, given his past form, and am wary of him agreeing to try just to keep me. It will take a lot more than that.

Dozer yes I do worry about how difficult this path will be for us, if we do go for it. Somehow, if we do go for it, I will have to have a lot of reassurance from him that he is committed.

I don't have any doubts about his ability as a parent though, despite his reluctance. He always assured me that if he decided to go for this, he would want to be sure so that he could give the child 100% He's a patient, kind, caring man - I'm certain he would extend that to his own offspring.

Time to wait and see what he comes up with tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm doing fine. I would tell anyone going through a similar situation, that finally taking control of things and taking action is very empowering - anyone wavering, just do it!

Nutty I'd be wary of a man who had kids to please his partner, rather than have them basic he wants them, thats how resentment starts.

Also this man played a devious game, you need to think long and hard, if your ready to believe hes changed.

Time to wait and see what he comes up with tomorrow.

I'm with Greg. You shouldn't be meeting him tomorrow... how can things have changed in such a short time? He wants to keep you and will probably say what you want to hear... he is good at getting things on his own terms, isn't he?

Your last post was mostly about agonising about fertility treatment options the pair of you might have. You say you are 'separated' but you aren't really, are you? Not in your mind.

If you stay together one of you Will be in a situation you resent. I agree with so many of the things people have said here that it's pointless saying it again. All i will say is you shouldn't give up your dream for him. It isn't like you can comprise. Good luck.