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Relationships

Boyfriend doesn't want kids - I love him, my heart is breaking - should I leave him?

306 replies

Nuttybiscuits · 09/01/2013 15:14

I'm having a meltdown, I hope the lovely people of MN might be able to help me.

My wonderful, loving, gorgeous boyfriend of nearly 3 years doesn't want kids, and we are on the brink of splitting up over it.

A bit of background - He had a vasectomy when in a previous marriage. He has never wanted kids, and has never regretted his decision. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me this when we first met, and actually waited until we had been together over a year before he dropped this bombshell, despite me making it clear I wanted kids in the future.

At that time, he told me that he might be prepared to get it reversed, but needed a little time to think about it. That was a year and a half ago, and since then we have talked, argued, agreed to think about it on and off every few months. We have researched vasectomy reversal surgeons, and I have had to come to terms with the fact that we might be infertile forever (I'm 34 so we don't have a huge amount of time to get things sorted either). In the meantime, we have fallen completely in love, and have had a very happy time together. I can honestly say, I have never been so happy with a partner (apart from this very large problem), and having been through plenty of rubbish relationships, I really don't want to let this one go.

Crunch time has arrived - a few months ago, he told me he was ready to do it, thought he did want kids and would have the reversal operation in January. He saw his GP, and chose a surgeon. I begged him to get it booked so that we didn't argue about it over Christmas... but of course he didn't, and so the subject came up again. He completely melted down, said he didn't want to do it and that if that meant that we would have to split up then so be it.

We have spent the last 2 weeks evaluating our relationship, trying to decide what to do. We love each other, make each other so happy and want to have a future together. But he still doesn't want kids. We have faced the prospect of splitting up, but it makes me so sad to think about it, I basically refused to leave him when it came to it. He is trying to persuade himself to do it, realises what he stands to lose and occasionally thinks he might want kids, agrees that it could be lovely.. but then panics and says he really doesn't want to do it.

I have been trying to persuade him - he'd make a wonderful father, we are financially secure, no issues at all. We have a great life which would only get better with children. He is scared of the usual stuff - losing his freedom, having responsibility and thinks he might resent the child in years to come.

I have to decide whether I stay with him regardless and give up on my dream of ever having a family of my own (something I find very hard to contemplate), stay with him and hope he changes his mind once the pressure is off (difficult, would require a lot of strength and I'm struggling to be patient after 1.5 yrs), or leave the love of my life to take my chances that I might find someone else who wants a family with me.

I'm trying my best not to bring it up with him, to give him the space to think - but it's so hard to try and carry on a normal life when all the while I'm thinking that we could split up next week - hence me venting my thoughts on here I guess. What would you do in my situation?

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NotMostPeople · 09/01/2013 17:24

Oh and think about the baby you would like to have, now imagine your baby was in the situation you are in now - is that what you would want for them?

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dequoisagitil · 09/01/2013 17:25

He is stringing you along - shifting the goal-posts.

Lets you believe for an entire year that children are possible
Claims to have forgotten his vasectomy
Convinces you to try the 'natural' way (that is very unlikely to succeed anyway) and has kept you hanging on while he puts off having the reversal and then backs out completely
Now he's refusing to discuss it.

I think your faith in him is misplaced. Whether he has issues or not, the outcome is the same, lies and obstacles.

Think about how many potential child-bearing years you realistically have to waste trying to 'bring him round'. He is just keeping your hopes up unfairly.

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curryeater · 09/01/2013 17:30

He should have been honest with you. He isn't nice.
He didn't, because he knew you wanted children and you would probably leave quite soon (before you got so attached). You should have been free to make this decision. He liked (likes) having you around, you have added all sorts of fun and benefits and good times to his life, and he put his desire for those over your feelings and your right to make an informed decision about your own future

He is a git. Get rid.

You will probably meet someone nice very soon. You sound lovely. A lot of men are nice and want families and do not have ishoos. If you don't (very unlikely) - you will find a way to deal with not having kids eventually. But you can still meet a nice man at any age (or be happy alone). Better than being with this person who used you by withholding the truth.

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Nuttybiscuits · 09/01/2013 17:30

So what do I do - give him the big ultimatum tonight? Agree to do it, or I walk?

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Mollydoggerson · 09/01/2013 17:34

I think you should just walk, no ultimatum. Simply, I want kids, you can't give me that, thanks for the laughs, goodbye.

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schroedingersdodo · 09/01/2013 17:34

from what you say in the op, he sounds like a horrible, selfish man. And a liar. It doesn't sound like a good relationship if he's been treating you like that, disrespecting your wishes for years.

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expatinscotland · 09/01/2013 17:35

No ultimatum. 'I want kids, you don't.' I divorced my former spouse because he never wanted children. I felt the least I could give my children was a father who truly wanted them.

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CailinDana · 09/01/2013 17:35

Just walk.

Don't stay in this relationship. You are not right when you say it is a great relationship. You think it's great because you've had such awful ones in the past. Take it from people with an outside perspective, it is marginally better than those awful ones, but only marginally. You deserve so much better than this, sweetheart, you really do. You have every right to push this issue, but the fact that you feel you can't speaks volumes - you are willing to give up on your own feelings and happiness out of fear, in order to keep someone else happy. That is not a good place to be, and I would strongly advise you to get some counselling before you even consider another relationship after this one.

I know that might sound harsh, but the children issue isn't your main problem at the moment. There is so much more going on, and now is the time to sort it, while you're young and still have the opportunity to have a really great relationship with someone who will treat you right and give you the children you want.

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JustFabulous · 09/01/2013 17:36

"I just don't know if I'm brave enough to leave him when we are so happy together."

But you are not so happy together as there is a big Baby Shaped Elephant in the room and even if you don't think about it constantly it is there all the same.

He is hoping you will change you mind.

You are hoping he will change your mind.

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curryeater · 09/01/2013 17:36

agree, just walk. he could say he wanted kids tomorrow and would still not be a nice man.

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HeathRobinson · 09/01/2013 17:36

Nutty, could you have some eggs frozen, to give yourself more of a chance further down the line? Either with dp or donor sperm.

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sarahseashell · 09/01/2013 17:37

OP he does not want children to the extent that he went through a vasectomy that's how much he doesn't want them.

Yes he should've told you sooner. But as soon as he did you were then free to walk away and you can walk away now. Trying to make him have children he does not want is absolutely the wrong way to go IMO

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dequoisagitil · 09/01/2013 17:37

I think you should walk too. And that Cailin is right.

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bishboschone · 09/01/2013 17:39

My sister's boyfriend was like this . He has a son already and is fabulous Witt kids but told her no more . She accepted this and married him. It's a shame though as she spent her whole life wanting children but ultimately her choice.

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Lavenderhoney · 09/01/2013 17:39

I agree with caikindana that he has treated you very selfishly from the start, knowing you wanted children and calculating he would " see how it went" til you pushed the kids question then messing with your head about the vasectomy. why aren't you furious with him for lying to you and leading you on?
You have wasted 3 years with him when you could have been out there meeting someone else who wanted the same things in life as you. I don't see how you can love someone and not tell them such fundamental thing early on so they don't fall in love and you screw up their life. To me it's like someone suddenly saying " oh I can't get married, I have a wife already, didn't tell you as I knew you'd be upset"

He says he doesn't want kids and has taken steps so that can't happen. You should listen to him as he is finally telling the truth. He doesn't want kids. He was hoping you would think he was enough for you. I certainly wouldn't wait a minute longer or another year whist he got his head together.

He won't, and you will be in the same place now next year, only more bitter and who's to say you won't argue so much or just be so miserable underneath, and split up.

Please don't fall for any let's get engaged, married next year then we can have some time together etc etc. you're still young enough at 34 to find someone else.

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Nuttybiscuits · 09/01/2013 17:40

Thanks You're all brilliant. Real life is calling, so I'll see what happens tonight. Thank you all for your support so far.. I might be needing you again soon xx

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MooncupGoddess · 09/01/2013 17:41

I've had dates/short relationships with men who were sure they didn't want children... and they've told me that within the first couple of dates. I'm sure they'd have done the same if they'd had a vasectomy. That's how important this is.

I don't think this man thinks of you as being an equal human being to him, or there is no way he'd have failed to tell you about his vasectomy for A YEAR. And the fact you are treading on eggshells round him now is a really bad sign. Think about other aspects of your life together - do you find yourself subconsciously compromising to give him what he wants?

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AuntieMaggie · 09/01/2013 17:42

I'm sorry to say this but I think the way he has acted speaks volumes about the fact that he feels less for you than you do for him.

Practically, can you both go to couples counselling to explore this before you do split?

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JustFabulous · 09/01/2013 17:42

Do you know that he really did go to the doctor or was that another case of him telling you what you wanted to hear?

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VoiceofUnreason · 09/01/2013 17:49

Sorry, but I think you should leave him. There is no compromise. I still find it astonishing that some couples have children when one of them is 'indifferent'. I don't think you should have kids unless both partners genuinely really want them. It's a helluva commitment.

There are plenty of guys who, for whatever reason, do not want children. That is their right. It doesn't automatically mean they are gits, or have issues. Just as there are women who don't want kids.

The difference in your case, OP, is that he kept this from you for a year. I can see why it might not come up in the first few dates and possibly not until it's clear it the relationship has legs. Decent guys - and women - who don't want kids will always raise it at this point at the latest.

Yours didn't.

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mercibucket · 09/01/2013 17:51

He lied for a year til he was sure of you.

Thing is, he could have been infertile. If he knew he was infertile and didn't tell you for a year, I guess you'd have either sperm donation or adopt? You would probably not be talking about splitting up if he was really the man for you. So really, by not suggesting either of those, he's saying 'no I don't want a baby at all'.

Listen to him

As to what you do, only you can decide. I would split up.

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sudaname · 09/01/2013 17:55

My Dbro was like this with my ex sil. Adamant never ever wanted kids. Whenever she'd had a few it would all come out and she would tell me how heartbroken she was. He left her at 42yrs old for another woman after 20 plus yearts together. You guessed it - now got two young children and a teenage stepson.

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JustFabulous · 09/01/2013 17:58

"I suppose I'm treading on eggshells around him, hoping he will come round to the right decision."

That sounds very arrogant I am sorry to say. He has already come to the decision that is "right" for him, he is just it isn't right for you.

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GregBishopsBottomBitch · 09/01/2013 18:04

OP I'd be more concerned with his dishonesty, even though he knew you wanted kids, and then chopping and changing his made at will, do you really wanna be with a man who raises your hopes and then slashes them to pieces.

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LaCiccolina · 09/01/2013 18:05

It's over. It's just a question of semantics. U will not resolve this. Much like an affair it will return to the surface time and again.

He will not change and in no way can u /should u make him. Lets be truthful if u don't feel u can change why do u think he might?

Definition of insanity: repeating same action expecting a different outcome. Stop hitting ur head on this brick wall, ur just getting a headache.

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