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Original poster

Does my dd give up everyting and go to Australia next week? Advice needed urgently.

127 replies

lilibet · 06/01/2013 13:17

This may be long as I don't want to drip feed

Dd is 24, got her degree in summer, got a management trainee job and had started saving for her own house. She has been seeing her bf for nearly three years and in that time they have split up twice.

She is driven, ambitious, very hardworking, he is like a puppy (her words - everyone loves a puppy!) kind, a homebody, he works three nights a week in a supermarket and has never been ambitious.

In October he was offered a years contract for a job in Australia, she was more keen than him to go but his parents also thought it was the chance of a lifetime and they bought their tickets and visas, they fly out next Monday, the 14th.

She is now saying that she doesn't want to go, she doesn't love him enough, they row all the time and she is panicking that she would end up coming home almost straight away. They have to pay all thier own living costs whilst out there and she has an interview set up but this job wouldn't be enough for her to live off on her own. She knows no one in Austalia.

What advice would you give?

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 06/01/2013 13:18

If she doesn't at least 75% want to give it a chance, she shouldn't go.

However, I don't know how you can say he's unambitious if he is about to do the very same thing your daughter is (was?) considering by leaving everything to go to Australia next week!

44SoStartingOver · 06/01/2013 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

namechangerforaday · 06/01/2013 13:19

Unless she can take a career break I would advise don't go

TurnipCake · 06/01/2013 13:20

She needs to go with her gut feeling and in this instance, I wouldn't go

rechargemybatteries · 06/01/2013 13:20

If she were my daughter I would advise her very strongly not to go.

Doha · 06/01/2013 13:22

If your DD doesn't 100% want to go she should stay at home and use the year of his contract to see if she does miss him or if the relationship has run it's course.
Long periods of separation of couples are difficult but doable--like in the Forces, it will make or break a relationship.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 06/01/2013 13:22

I wouldn't go myself

thinking about the money already spent on tickets and visas is a false economy as it sounds like she'll need to make up shortfalls from earnings and potentially tickets back

Plenty of people I know who travel/work abroad are what I would call un-ambitious, i.e. no long term plans, happy to drift about and life in shit holes earning just about enough extra to have a bit of fun at the weekends

Lafaminute · 06/01/2013 13:24

I think she should go! She's only young/it's only for a year/it's an opportunity that might not come up again. The main reservation should be their rowing - that doesn't sound great but maybe it's the stress and strain of the move? It's ONLY for a year, she has her degree, she is on the bottom rung of her career ladder - she can start back at the bottom in a year no big deal. Once she moves up that ladder/buys a house/gets married/buys a dog/car etc she will NEVER EVER be free to do something so carefree and exciting and character building again! GO and have a ball and if it doesn't work out so what, she has not got that much to lose at the moment, certainly less than she will ever have in the future.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 06/01/2013 13:27

carefree and exciting? sounds like she'll just be working A LOT if she goes as her earnings there won't match her living costs. It's not a holiday, she's going there to work & pay bills!

Longdistance · 06/01/2013 13:29

I wouldn't go. She's still young at 24 making a career for herself.

At that age I wouldn't give up my job and life for any guy, especially one who I'm not really into.

If she doesn't want to go, she can't be forced to.

Indith · 06/01/2013 13:31

I don't think she should go. Not yet. If the relationship is "the one" then it will be strong enough to stand the test of a year apart.

His offer is for a year, not a full time permanent job of a lifetime. Why should she give up her good, solid job for a 1 year contract after which I assume he will return? If he gets to the end of the year, they are still together and he gets a permanent job offer then that is a different kettle of fish but not now.

Dh and I did a year apart only seeing each other for a couple of days every 4 months ish before we were married. It is tough but if you are meant to be together it just makes you stronger as a couple, you talk more, you tell each other things, you stop taking each other for granted.

Original poster
lilibet · 06/01/2013 13:32

He is a semi pro rugby player and was offered a contract with a club over there, if he hadn't been offered it he would never have gone looking for it, that's what I mean by unambitious.

She has tried talking to him and telling him how she feels, if she doesn't go he won't go.

I do really like him, he's a lovely lad but their relationship does sometimes seem to lack a 'spark'

I need to differentiate between whether or not this is last minute cold feet or something more serious.

She has always wanted to travel and this seemed a fantastic opportunity.

Her company have said that they won't giver her a career break but would strongly welcome her applying again

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 06/01/2013 13:33

Well, cold feet are very common before a large commitment.

I'd ask what she really wants to do, in her heart of hearts. Pretend she's decided - how would she feel the week after, having gone/not gone?

What's the worst that could happen if she went? She'd have to come home if she didn't settle (or would there be more?) In my eyes, she's little to lose by trying (assuming the budget can stand it! And assuming her bf is good and trustworthy).

..If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. If it does, great!

But it's her decision, 100%. She knows him, and herself, better than anyone.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 06/01/2013 13:35

Could she afford to go on a tourist or working holiday visa? That was she could see Australia, without the pressure of having to find work etc. Go as a holiday and return at the end if she doesn't like it, or look into staying if she does?

LaCiccolina · 06/01/2013 13:36

It's not carefree and exciting to go away with someone that no longer really moves u, friend or bf. Guaranteed mistake.

She should do Oz or US etc but do it a better way. Don't just do it like this.

That said she's young, house etc not nec needed as priorities iykwim

AnnieLobeseder · 06/01/2013 13:36

She needs to do what she feels is right for her, with no guilt. If he won't go if she doesn't that's his problem, not hers.

If their relationship is strong, a year apart won't matter. But I think she'd be mad to give up her life for a year to follow him. If she actually wanted to go and saw this as an exciting opportunity, fair enough. But if not... why go?

Indith · 06/01/2013 13:39

Ok well that is a bit more "job of a lifetime" ish for him but still, it is a bit of a test. I'd still be inclined to give it some time and wait and see what will happen for him career wise at the end of his first year. I stand by what I said about it not being the death of the relationship if she doesn't go. She can go and see Australia any time with or without him so I wouldn't give up a job for the off chance. If their relationship is not great here then the sunshine isn't going to fix it, especially if she is struggling for money with no job while he is living the rugby dream.

whatsleep · 06/01/2013 13:39

Sounds like cold feet, maybe you should just reassure her she can come home at any point, it's just a flight away, she's not being stranded on the moon for a year, there is a way out if she's had enough. If she doesn't go it will possibly be the thing in years to come, that she will wish she had given a go? I hope she plucks up the courage to give it a go. I worked abroad many years ago and I remember feeling physically sick the day before I left but it was the best thing I ever did!

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 06/01/2013 13:40

"Ok well that is a bit more "job of a lifetime" ish for him but still"

yeah but he doesn't sound all that serious about really going for it and making the most of it if he's not going if she doesn't

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 06/01/2013 13:40

She doesn't really love him, so she shouldn't go, the last thing you or she should want is for her to be in a relationship where she isn't 100% into it. She should break up with him properly and then tell him what he chooses to do is up to him, it is not down to whether she will go or not. Don't let her be guilted into going simply because he lacks the balls to do it on his own, but also, make sure she is very clear with him that even if he stays they are over, him staying will not change that. It's the only fair thing, on both of them, to do. IMO.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 06/01/2013 13:41

whatsleep I'd agree with you if she was madly in love with him, but she isn't.

AnnieLobeseder · 06/01/2013 13:42

I would agree with others that a year abroad is a wonderful opportunity, but to spend it stuck with someone you're not sure about? Not ideal. At least now she's had the idea put in her head, perhaps she can look for a good opportunity for herself, not following someone else.

Original poster
lilibet · 06/01/2013 13:44

She's very impressed with how many replies she is getting

Thanks

OP posts:
Narked · 06/01/2013 13:46

I'd say think about what you really want from your life. Do you see him being a part of that?

I would encourage her to break up with him and encourage him to go.

deXavia · 06/01/2013 13:47

I'd be most worried about him saying he won't go it she doesn't - what a ridiculous amount of pressure, although I can see a "puppy" doing that. Problem is the level of bitterness that this will bring into their relationship is a likely killer anyway - if they break up and he didn't go, it will be her fault, if they stay together and he didn't go, her fault and if they go, she breaks up with him / works long hours and it doesn't last, her fault.
I would be telling her to run a mile- and line up his friends to help encourage him to go to get over the breakup. Harsh maybe but can she really see herself looking after the "puppy" in 2, 5 or 10 years?
You say its a fantastic opportunity but is it? She is going to a country that might not have been her first choice to travel to, for no job albeit potentially one on a low wage. Fair enough if Australia is always been her dream, or she was starting there to go elsewhere.
Sorry IMO this just seems like the wrong opportunity and wrong bloke

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