Does my dd give up everyting and go to Australia next week? Advice needed urgently.

[lilibet]

This may be long as I don't want to drip feed

Dd is 24, got her degree in summer, got a management trainee job and had started saving for her own house. She has been seeing her bf for nearly three years and in that time they have split up twice.

She is driven, ambitious, very hardworking, he is like a puppy (her words - everyone loves a puppy!) kind, a homebody, he works three nights a week in a supermarket and has never been ambitious.

In October he was offered a years contract for a job in Australia, she was more keen than him to go but his parents also thought it was the chance of a lifetime and they bought their tickets and visas, they fly out next Monday, the 14th.

She is now saying that she doesn't want to go, she doesn't love him enough, they row all the time and she is panicking that she would end up coming home almost straight away. They have to pay all thier own living costs whilst out there and she has an interview set up but this job wouldn't be enough for her to live off on her own. She knows no one in Austalia.

What advice would you give?

If she wants to clarify her feelings about it, here's a way that I've found useful when my head's been spinning over a decision:

She gets a coin. Heads she has to go. Tails she has to stay.

You toss the coin but don't look and you keep your hand over it until she can say which side she really wants it to have landed on.

Then show her. Ok so what is her absolutely immediate gut response to being shown the coin?

She really needs to listen to what her gut is telling her all through this process.

All the best - to both of you.

Oh - and obviously she doesn't have to do what the coin says - it's to clarify her feelings!

My coin toss suggestion is slightly different.

Heads she goes.
Tails she doesn't (this doens't have to mean end of relationship as well).

Toss coin, get result, she feels relieved/disappointed - has her answer.

DO NOT listen to emotional blackmail. Dealbreaker imo.

Obviously the relationship has run its course but he is too wet to finish it and she feels guilty about dumping him. I would encourage her to accompany him out there then either come home or find a decent job and enjoy herself away from him out there (it is a fantastic country with a booming economy). The last thing she wants is to stay and have him hanging around, making her feel that she owes him anything because he "gave up his big chance" to stay with her. Get him out there, dump and run, it's the only way.

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She should do her own thing, not follow him.

lala's suggestion is ridiculous!

There are two issues here. The first is her relationship, she isn't happy with him, so I think she would be mad to go away with him. Going to Oz would be great if she was excited by it, but going with the wrong person would be a miserable experience. I'm emigrating to Oz with my husband and son next month, it's going to be tough, no way would I want to do it with a puppy!

She also needs to consider why he will only travel with her.

Does he really love her? (not that it matters, if she really doesn't love him)
Or is he scared of being alone and wants to make sure he has a crutch to lean on? Which may soon be neglected once he makes new friends.

Your DD owes him nothing and she is not responsible for him.

I would have thought waving a tosser goodbye at an airport would be an effective way to dump him, lala. Anything more than having watched him embark and his plane take off, is surely OTT unnecessary?

Why's it ridiculous? She gets him out of the way and gets a holiday/gap year at the same time, she does not waste the money she has spent on her air tickets. He will just hang around dragging her down if she refuses to go. At least in Australia he may find something to distract himself from her.

"I'd be most worried about him saying he won't go it she doesn't - what a ridiculous amount of pressure, although I can see a "puppy" doing that. "

^ This.

Manipulative much?

But she doesn't want a gap year! And she is a grown up so needs to be grown up about this situation. If she wants out, say it. Don't travel 12000 then sneak out when he is asleep which is a variation on what lala suggested.

ergh... its NOT A HOLIDAY if you're working and paying your rent and bills etc...

I come from the position that (a) travel is a wonderful and exciting thing (b) no one wants some millstone boyfriend hanging around and refusing to go away. A trip to Australia (whether she wants to stay for a whole year or not is kind of by the by) would be great, she will probably be able to find all sorts of opportunities out there if she decides to stay plus she will get rid of him at the same time and not waste any money.

She could of course dump him in the UK and then go out there herself just to send him the message she really isn't interested but he sounds as if he is going to be hard to shake otherwise. Personally, I prefer the idea of getting him out there and set up in his new club so he is less likely to fester.

Australia is not all that. I know, I lived there for 21 years.

If she is only going to be with him, she should stay here.

He's only going for a year. They might get back together when he gets back. She might decide to follow him over, later. Or she might just get on with her life, and let him get on with hers.

If he's saying he won't go without her, there's no way she should be going with him and she should dump him now and make it clear the split is full, final, and irrevocable.

nd let him get on with hers

Freudian slip, Sanity? That's been the problem - he's been living his life through hers.

I followed a bf overseas, had a feeling it wouldn't work out but wanted to try out a new adventure and see how things would pan out as I wasn't enjoying my job in London. We broke up within a few months, I was sad but loved my new job and the lifestyle so I got my own place and made a go of it. That was 16 years ago and I've moved to two other countries in the meantime! Plus I'm still friends with my ex!

No regrets. Grateful to ex for impetus to do something new. I could have returned to UK and my old company would probably have taken me back if I'd wanted but am glad it worked out as it did.

Sounds like your DD has a back up option and is driven enough to succeed wherever and whatever she chooses to do.

If she fancies an adventure and keeps an open mind on everything, could be a lovely life experience.

lala - SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO!

"If she fancies an adventure and keeps an open mind on everything, could be a lovely life experience"

Yeh, I think that's good advice cheese - but can be tricky to stay truly open-minded about outcomes especially when you're young and perhaps putting yourself in a slightly vulnerable position in some ways - kind of limiting your options a bit in some ways ?

"Australia is not all that. I know, I lived there for 21 years."

Well, I don't think anywhere is all that, most places have their pluses and minuses, just like here. But it's broadening your horizons is rarely a bad thing.

In my view: a year of living and working abroad independently = good idea.
Following questionable boyfriend abroad = bad idea.

"But she doesn't want a gap year!"

This!!!!

And if she does want a gap year then have a fecking gap year. Don't go and sit in some Australian suburb trying to get a job that will not even cover your living expenses and then have to come back to the UK when puppy dog's contract ends.

If she wants a gap year, she should have one, and if she doesn't then she shouldn't but THIS IS NOT A GAP YEAR.

Ooh, yes, Izzy could've been.

I agre with you, though.

Agre? Agree!