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Original poster

Does my dd give up everyting and go to Australia next week? Advice needed urgently.

127 replies

lilibet · 06/01/2013 13:17

This may be long as I don't want to drip feed

Dd is 24, got her degree in summer, got a management trainee job and had started saving for her own house. She has been seeing her bf for nearly three years and in that time they have split up twice.

She is driven, ambitious, very hardworking, he is like a puppy (her words - everyone loves a puppy!) kind, a homebody, he works three nights a week in a supermarket and has never been ambitious.

In October he was offered a years contract for a job in Australia, she was more keen than him to go but his parents also thought it was the chance of a lifetime and they bought their tickets and visas, they fly out next Monday, the 14th.

She is now saying that she doesn't want to go, she doesn't love him enough, they row all the time and she is panicking that she would end up coming home almost straight away. They have to pay all thier own living costs whilst out there and she has an interview set up but this job wouldn't be enough for her to live off on her own. She knows no one in Austalia.

What advice would you give?

OP posts:
izzyizin · 06/01/2013 20:02

Has she handed her notice in? Have they signed her leaving card?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/01/2013 20:06

< disclaimer - have had a few glasses Wine >

Revised advice based on very happy year in Japan - You only live once !
GO ! (you can always come back. It's only the other side of the world FFS !!)

SavoyCabbage · 06/01/2013 20:21

She shouldn't go. I think she should break up with him and get on with her life. He does not sound like a catch. As her mother, I would be worried about the relationship rather than the going to Australia aspect.

It can put an incredible strain on your relationship, emigrating, as you only have each other. And I would worry that he is already quite dependent on her.

SquinkiesRule · 06/01/2013 20:25

She shouldn't go, moving to another country is hard enough when you really want to do it, if she's not that into him she needs to cut him free and encourage him to go. He's using her like a crutch, and saying he won't go without her.
She needs a grown up boyfriend not a puppy who waits about for life to knock on his door instead of going out to find it for himself.
I hope she hasn't quit her job yet.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 06/01/2013 20:27

I don't see how doing a FT job that doesn't cover your living costs can be the "opportunity of a lifetime" just because it's somewhere you don't currently live.

One of the reasons why you make friends when you move/travel is because you're in a good excited state of mind, which makes YOU more fun to be around. If you move somewhere reluctantly, even if it's somewhere that other people deem exciting and friendly, settling and making friends is gonna be much harder! Brand new friends don't wanna hear you whinge about your clingy boyfriend!

thegreylady · 06/01/2013 20:33

My dd went to Australia as the first part of a gap year.She finished with her bf before she went.He followed her and the resulting split was made worse because they were so far from home.He came back eventually and married someone he met over there.She stayed away 15 months.
I think the op's dd should not go unless she really wants to,however,if she does want to travel now is probably the time to do it-but not with him.

KirstyJC · 06/01/2013 20:47

I can't see why we need to offer advice to the OP for her daughter - she has already said she doesn't want to go, and has given excellent reasons why not. Sounds like her DD is an intelligent young woman who has made a decision already. No advice needed.

It would be madness to go to the other side of the world, giving up all she would be giving up, with someone you don't love, row with and who you think of as a 'puppy'. That suggests his behaviour is immature and her feelings towards him are slightly contemptous, if that's what she calls him. (rightly so too imo). Not a good basis for a partnership - aren't they supposed to be about mutual support, love and respect? Not much of that here by the sounds of it.....

OP - your daughter has made the difficult decision to call it off. Back her up and don't let her go just because it's easier than not going.

Littlechangeforthis · 06/01/2013 20:56

It's a flight, she is not being sold into slavery. It's not irreversible, she can come home at any time.

Go, she will meet some amazing people, see and do some amazing things, it's a chance of a lifetime that realistically she won't take again once she has a house, job, kids.

It's only a flight home. X

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 06/01/2013 20:59

Will they be financially shackled together ie if she decides to leave him in a couple of months will she have to extract herself from a rental agreement etc and have the guilt of leaving him stranded on the bones of his arse or can he afford to live, at the standard they will be living at as a couple, on his own?

KirstyJC · 06/01/2013 21:08

I think possibly the issue of Australia is clouding the real issue here. Let's pretend this has nothing to do with moving abroad and that it is just a discussion about a relationship.

Therefore, what you have here OP is your daughter says she doesn't love her BF enough and is always rowing with him. He is putting pressure on her to do what he wants her to do and is making her responsible for his actions and his life. They have very different ambitions, he is younger than her and they are at different stages in their life, and have already split up twice in 3 years.

She has now told you that she wants to split up with him. What do you think?

Leaving Oz out of it, it seems a pretty clear decision - and one she has already made.

If at any point in the future she wants to visit Australia then she can. This isn't about her going there, it is about her not wanting to remain in a relationship with him. It sounds like you have raised an intelligent sensible woman - so listen to her.

Good luck Smile

PureQuintessence · 06/01/2013 21:53

Everyday life is everyday life wherever you live.

Why swap a good job and career prospects for another every day life, when it involves worse job prospects, financial struggle, no friends and family around, her dp just getting a one year contract (so not really that attractive) for a man?

A man with no proper job prospects, without ambition, a man that she argues with and does not have a great relationship with.

Madness. Utter madness.

cheeseandpineapple · 06/01/2013 21:53

Agree that if she doesn't want to go and doesn't want to be with bf, then best to get out now and do things under her own steam when she wants.

As for keeping an open mind, agree easier said than done and maybe she doesn't want to lead him on but I think if she sees it as an adventure and what will be will be (which was my approach) then worth a stab, otherwise not.

Another option, maybe she should let him go first and then see how she feels and join him later if she really wants to go.

BranchingOut · 06/01/2013 22:23

Don't go. It is madness to give up a job for a very uncertain future with a man you are not sure you love in a suburb of Melbourne, Perth or wherever.

They are not going for travel. They are not going for a gap year. They will be on a low income - the only travel they will be doing is getting on a bus for the daily commute. Yes, it will be different, but worth giving up a graduate management trainng job for? No.

Would she do it if it were moving to the opposite end of the UK? Somewhere cold, wet and windy? No way.

Gennz · 07/01/2013 07:36

"Giving up everything" is a bit melodramatic. When I was 24 I quit my graduate job and moved across the world with my boyfriend (from NZ to London). I had about 2000 quid saved - no job to go to, no security. I met so many people in London, made loads of new friends, found really interesting work, travelled extensively. She should go! They're not getting married - it's a day's travel away. Australia is a great place to live (assuming we're talking Sydney/Melbourne, not Townsville) - it sounds like a fab opportunity. Half of the population of Bondi is young & British.

Original poster
lilibet · 07/01/2013 13:17

Well she has decided, she isn't going. She has gone into work this morning and asked to rescind her notice and got this lovely e mail from her area manager

"Dear Lilibet's DD, just to confirm we will be reversing your resignation, I for one look forward to your next move being a promotion, and am made up you will be continuing on your career with us, I am however sorry about the circumstances."

It was a traumatic day yesterday and you all helped a lot, she has asked me to pass on her thanks to all of you and she will see you all again when it's time for me to join Gransnet!

As for the bf, we can't find out if he is going or not, I really hope that he does because he is such a lovely lad and this could be the making of him.

thanks again

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 07/01/2013 13:27

I'm glad she's decided to stay put, but I'm more concerned what she's going to do about the cling-on? Has she told him it's over? Does she want it to be over? If she wants it to be over, then she needs to tell him that it's over and she wont reconsider - make it very clear to him so that he can choose whether to go to Aus or not without assuming or hoping that if he stays they will be together.

Narked · 07/01/2013 13:37

I'm glad she feels she's made the right decision for her.

glastocat · 07/01/2013 13:39

Sounds like she has done the right thing.

Narked · 07/01/2013 13:39

To be fair to him, she needs to end the relationship. Her main reason for not going was that she didn't want to go with him wasn't it? She needs to tell him that so he's free to make his own choices.

Original poster
lilibet · 07/01/2013 16:27

Sorry, I haven't made myself clear (again! Blush), she has ended the relationship.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 07/01/2013 16:29

Lilibet - difficult isn't it!! Does he actually believe her that it's over & him staying will not change that? How's she feeling today?

Narked · 07/01/2013 17:08

OK. Well then it's up to him! Hopefully his parents will get him onto the plane.

LemonBreeland · 07/01/2013 17:20

I think she has made the right decision. I hope her ending the relationship will push him into going alone. It sounds as though he needs this.

And well done your dd in her job too. She is obviously well thought of.

SquinkiesRule · 07/01/2013 22:49

Aww Hugs to your Dd she is a strong woman to not get pushed into the move taht she didn't want. Congrats to her for getting such a good email from the boss. She'll do well she will

izzyizin · 08/01/2013 05:42

Congratulations to your dd on her forthcoming promotion and all credit to you for raising such a level headed young woman. She will, indeed, do well