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Original poster

Does my dd give up everyting and go to Australia next week? Advice needed urgently.

127 replies

lilibet · 06/01/2013 13:17

This may be long as I don't want to drip feed

Dd is 24, got her degree in summer, got a management trainee job and had started saving for her own house. She has been seeing her bf for nearly three years and in that time they have split up twice.

She is driven, ambitious, very hardworking, he is like a puppy (her words - everyone loves a puppy!) kind, a homebody, he works three nights a week in a supermarket and has never been ambitious.

In October he was offered a years contract for a job in Australia, she was more keen than him to go but his parents also thought it was the chance of a lifetime and they bought their tickets and visas, they fly out next Monday, the 14th.

She is now saying that she doesn't want to go, she doesn't love him enough, they row all the time and she is panicking that she would end up coming home almost straight away. They have to pay all thier own living costs whilst out there and she has an interview set up but this job wouldn't be enough for her to live off on her own. She knows no one in Austalia.

What advice would you give?

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/01/2013 13:49

I love traveling and adventure and if it was that aspect only I'd say go for it.

But, and a massive BUT for me, she has realised that this man is not making her happy and says they row all the time.

So, considered opinion, this could be the perfect opportunity for her to cut lose from him.

Life will offer other adventures !

All the best to you both especially with this decision Thanks

Viviennemary · 06/01/2013 13:53

If she absolutely doesn't want to go then she shouldn't. Perhaps at a later stage if she can afford it she could go their for a holiday and see what she thinks of the place. But if she doesn't want to go to Australia and doesn't love her bf enough then I don't think she should go.

noddyholder · 06/01/2013 13:54

I think her not going would do him good aswell. She should stay.

noddyholder · 06/01/2013 13:55

She would have to 'end' teh relationship though as he sounds like he would pull out and then she would have a nightmare on her hands

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire · 06/01/2013 13:56

Can she have her job back if she stays?

I would say its cold feet and she should go. My friend went to Australia for a few months when she was young and she loved it.

It is the chance of a lifetime, the tickets are already bought. She will soon make friends over there.

and if it doesnt work out then she can come home again.

Better to have tried and failed, then to have never tried at all

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/01/2013 13:56

If it was me I might go - but that's probably because I enjoy traveling so much.

It all depends on the relationship really I think, and how bad the rows are etc.

Go and split up with him afterwards ?!

Narked · 06/01/2013 14:16

If she'd like to travel she could look into the possibilities of working abroad. Once she's started her job she could look at how her qualifications would transfer abroad. Then she could go on her own terms, rather than ending up stuck in a place with him and on a visa that doesn't allow her to work and have the cash to do what she wants.

zippey · 06/01/2013 14:20

I would also advise her not to go. But I would pay back the parents for the cost of her tickets and visa, as they were kind enough to pay for them in the first place.

kinkyfuckery · 06/01/2013 14:22

Is her considering going because she genuinely does party want to go, or because she doesn't want to have to be the one to end the relationship?

kinkyfuckery · 06/01/2013 14:22

partly, not party

crazygracieuk · 06/01/2013 14:24

Don't do it! I've been an expat (not to Australua though)

Head issues- cost of living is high, moving abroad is stressful so it will put more stress on the relationship, what if boyfriend quits, can she work? If it goes wrong with bf it will be expensive, time consuming and difficult to get back to uk. Don't let her give up a career!

Heart issues - homesickness for family, friends, place she's from.

The most she sh

crazygracieuk · 06/01/2013 14:25

The most she should do is a 2 week holiday with return ticket. That way she gets to travel (I assume she's adventurous) to help set him up.

JustFabulous · 06/01/2013 14:28

Definitely not go.

She doesn't 100% love him.

They don't appear to be at the same stages in their lives.

He is trying to emotionally blackmail her and for that reason I would end the relationship too.

JustFabulous · 06/01/2013 14:29

If she really wants to go to Australia she can, it isn't the only chance she will get.

crazygracieuk · 06/01/2013 14:29

Just read the other replies..
I think it's normal to be scared but too risky as the relationship is volatile and she has to depend on his income.

I would advise her to stay. If she wants to live overseas Id help her with that but this doesn't sound like the right time, place or opportunity.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/01/2013 14:31

I would not go.

She needs a better boyfriend, not in her words a bloke whom she describes as a "puppy". Sounds like she wants to house train him, he is not however her project to rescue and or save. She should raise her own relationship bar higher than it currently is.

Also cost of living in Australia is very high these days.

Musomathsci · 06/01/2013 14:32

He won't go if she won't go? He's a puppy? Oh pur-lease. She sounds as though she has got her act together - decent job, career underway etc and he's a feckless idiot. She's better off without him - this relationship is clearly doomed. Get rid, move on, find someone who can be an equal partner, not a pathetic shadow.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 06/01/2013 14:39

its not really "travel" if you're going there to work and pay bills, its same shit different address

LoopsInHoops · 06/01/2013 14:42

Go for a holiday with the tickets, plan to come back but leave return ticket open just in case you change your mind.

And good luck! :) Oh, and enjoy! :) :)

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 06/01/2013 14:44

living and working abroad is not travel or a holiday

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 06/01/2013 14:45

and unless your job abroad is a national park ranger or mountain climbing instructer, there's not a hell of a lot of time for "adventure" if you have to be at work every day

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/01/2013 14:50

DP and I had a wonderful year in Japan before we had the DC's, so I think living abroad can still be adventurous travel even if you're working. I only worked P/T teaching English, he did research in a University, so that contributed to a nice lifestyle whilst we were there.
Also you both say he is kind so that sounds good ?
I'd be less worried about him being un-ambitious.
Could they make a good partnership ?
Does sound a bit stormy though that they've broken up twice before in 3 years ?
I wonder what do they argue about ?

amillionyears · 06/01/2013 14:51

Will you pay for her ticket back again?

I think the bit that bothers me the most, is that the job she is applying for would not be enough to financially support herself.
She hasnt got any relatives or friends to fall back on either.

On the other hand, she may well take 1 look at the country and fall in love with it. So she might choose to either go back anther time, or hopefully find a job that could support her. Not sure that she is going to necessarily stay with the boyfriend though.

How long has she had cold feet for?
If she knew she could come straight back home, she might feel much more relaxed about the whole thing.
Would her visa or whatever allow her to come back almost immediately if necessary?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/01/2013 14:51

Loops plan sounds good ?

TalkativeJim · 06/01/2013 14:53

She shouldn't go.

He sounds very weak.

She is not totally committed to him.

She doesn't love him - but after a year of living in his pocket and with his parents that spark of independence may have settled down into 'we'll we've been through too much together for me to pull out now and start again with someone new'

So no no no. Tell her to be firm and say she'll come for a holiday in a few months. With his parents already going and it all planned, I doubt very much that he would actually pull out.