Does my dd give up everyting and go to Australia next week? Advice needed urgently.

[lilibet]

This may be long as I don't want to drip feed

Dd is 24, got her degree in summer, got a management trainee job and had started saving for her own house. She has been seeing her bf for nearly three years and in that time they have split up twice.

She is driven, ambitious, very hardworking, he is like a puppy (her words - everyone loves a puppy!) kind, a homebody, he works three nights a week in a supermarket and has never been ambitious.

In October he was offered a years contract for a job in Australia, she was more keen than him to go but his parents also thought it was the chance of a lifetime and they bought their tickets and visas, they fly out next Monday, the 14th.

She is now saying that she doesn't want to go, she doesn't love him enough, they row all the time and she is panicking that she would end up coming home almost straight away. They have to pay all thier own living costs whilst out there and she has an interview set up but this job wouldn't be enough for her to live off on her own. She knows no one in Austalia.

What advice would you give?

I would go so he would go

and then sort out the love stuff over there

so go go go
and have enough money for the ticket home

Trouble is if she does go I can see it leading to settling down with him for life.

Obviously that's not inevitable but I feel this is certainly quite a big decision for her.

Equally (or almost equally) this could be one of her best opportunities for a bit of adventure in life, especially as she is temperamentally so sensible !

I think the fact he won't go if she doesn't says it all. What a burden for him to put on her. In her place I'd be terrified of having so much responsibility for someone.

But he can't be wholly wet. A semi-pro rugby player has stamina and self-discipline in lots of ways, or he'd not have got that far in the game.

If she doesn't go, she should pay his parents back every last penny they spent on her ticket as top priority.

But it's a win win situation isn't it, not lose-lose? She has either a fab job here or a fantastic chance to see the world. If it doesn't work out with him, there's no reason why it might not work out over there in some other way. She might land a great job, or they may stay friends and meet other people. Time spent travelling isn't wasted.

If she stays, she gets to develop her career and can always plan for an adventure or time out to travel on her own terms.

Either way - whether he goes or not is not her responsibility.

She's just grauated, got a management trainee job and saving to buy a house - it sounds like she will soon be too tied down to even consider taking a year abroad... if she doesn't go now it sounds like she never will. Is she ok with that? Does she want to settle down now with a mortgage etc.

If she goes to Oz, she doesn't have to leave if they split up. She's young enough for a working visa - what makes her think she can't support herself? hundreds (maybe thousands) of young brits support themselves in oz with shop and bar jobs every year.

14 yeas ago I gave up everything (my house, professional training course) to go with my then boyfriend of 1 year abroad as he had a job offer.

It hasn't always been easy (I had no opportunity to work where we went, so was quite hard being on my own with nothing solid to focus on all day) but we have muddled through, got married 2 years later and now have 3 dc.

I went with the attitude of 'well, I can always come back' and did, 4 years later with a dh and a baby! I wasn't sure about dh when we went - we had had a long distance relationship (albeit one where we saw each other most weekends) and I viewed it as a chance i wouldn't otherwise have to go somewhere I wouldn't otherwise go (at least not for quite some time!) and a chance to get to know each other better.

I was 24. It worked for us.

I would say don't go.

She doesn't love him, for good reason. People in really strong, solid, longer term relationships split up when they move abroad because of the stress of it and the lack of friends/family to 'escape' to.

She won't be 'traveling' she will just be working then going home to bad TV in a rented house she can hardly afford. If she can't earn enough to support herself then she is hardly going to be spending her weekends scuba diving on the barrier reef.

The cost of living in Australia is astronomical.

She will put her own career back.

She might struggle to get a job when she gets back.

They have already split up twice, they row all the time. Throw in the pressure of moving, financial pressures, the fact that he is a 'puppy' who emotionally blackmails her into giving up her career and moving around the world so he doesn't have to do it alone, the fact that she will be working all the time, the fact that she will have no-one there to 'unload' on and they will split up. That is practically a guarantee.

If she wants to travel then she should do it on her own terms, not because of some bloke who she doesn't love enough.

DO IT! It's cold feet and you will feel like this before a big trip, it's natural.

My sister lives in Australia and LOVES it! She's decided to stay there and has a 4 year sponsorship with a company.

If your daughter has just completed her degree then she should be able to find a good job? Probably better than you can currently get in the UK..

I also agree that you only regret the things you didn't do.. and she should give it a try for 6 months.

DO IT DO IT DO IT!!

It sounds like it was a "university relationship", if you say they've been together 3 years and she graduated in summer? Lots of university relationships founder in "the real world" and if she's split with him twice in three years already, then it's pretty evident that it's not going the distance and it's a matter of when not if they split. So she might as well do herself a favour and get it over with - be cruel to be kind.

I've been there, and wish I'd knocked that relationship on the head sooner. Moving to follow his job was not the right move. If they'd been together for 3 years and been solid throughout, then I might reconsider, but it sounds like she knows what she's got to do and just has to grit her teeth and get on with it.

He likes her more than she likes him... she probably feels guilty about that, and that's providing the window for him to emotionally manipulate her. She needs to stop letting him do that, stop feeling guilty and just dump him - things don't always work out. People aren't always compatible, and you can't will yourself into being compatible with a puppy someone who isn't.

I'm not sure. We are in our 30s but in the last year or so at least three couples who are friends of ours, so older than your dd, have gone to australia because basically its crap here and they are all doing really really well.

The relationship bit is the complication. I do not know what to advise for the best, except that if I was young and had the chance to go, I would jump at it. She sounds like she will make a go of it career wise wherever she is.

Coldethyl I agree. OP, I'd be very wary of her being out there for a year in the bosom of his family being gently persuaded for a year that he's the one for her and she's the perfect DIL.

They will be able to see that she gives more to him than he to her.

She is being stifled, yes.

With a DS about to graduate and having nothing lined up despite a (potential) Physics degree and loads of applications, I would say take the role she's been offered. If the relationship is worth having, it will stand this separation. When she's got some experience under her belt, she'll be able to travel whenever and wherever she chooses.

It is unfair for her to be totally responsible for the happiness of her bf.

hmme- have lived in Sydney... and although it's great/opportunity blah blah blah. Your dd should not underestimate how hard it is to move to a new country. It's up there with all those other stressful things life like moving house, having a baby etc..... And personally (having done all those things) I am bloody glad I had dh at my side. A man I love unreservedly, have relied on to support me and who I know for a damn fact shares the same outlook and values on life and partnership.... oh and makes me a better person to boot.
In addition to the dodgy relationship... there is the other fact that it takes at least a year to really settle into a place. I have had two very close friends and my db emigrate in the last 3 years so I say this with some conviction as it has been their experience. By which time you'll be coming back.

Any way she could take a months leave from work (paid/unpaid), go with him for a holiday/help settle him in/see what she thinks and then make a decision from there?

Hi thanks for all the replies, I think I was unclear in my first post, they have bought their own tickets, bf's parents didn't buy them - I just put too many 'theys' in one sentence. We paid for her visa as a birthday present.

It wasn't a university relationship, he's a bit younger than her and hasn't been to uni.

I haven't had time to read all the replies as I had to take ds to football and now have to make tea - she's gone to her mate's for a chat and can have a good read when she gets back.

I told her she would get loads of impartial advice all up to her now!

Moving to another country, even temporarily, is hard enough even when you 100% want to do it. I would advise her not to do it.

This is the worst case scenario: they go out, and she doesn't get a job, or gets one that isn't enough for her to live on independently. She is then financially dependent on someone who she rows with all the time, and who isn't above using emotional manipulation to get what he wants at her expense. She has no family or friends for support out there. They split up and she comes back, and finds she can't get her old job back or find anything nearly as good as it. Throw something really life-changing like a pregnancy into the mix and you are looking at a disaster all round.

What is the plan for after the year finishes? What if his contract keeps being extended? If she doesn't actually want to emigrate permanently, then in that scenario they split up anyway eventually and then she comes back and has to start all over again.

I think if at 24, you are not constrained by children, marriage or an established career and you are not buzzing with excitement at the prospect of an opportunity in Australia with your boyfriend, then to my mind it's a no brainer. She shouldn't go.
She needs to end it though so that he doesn't give up his opportunity too.
It doesn't sound like a relationship with a future to be honest.

Another 'no' vote here, largely on the grounds set by TalkativeJim and because your dd may feel a sense of obligation to his dps for buying her ticket and may feel she has to 'earn her passage' by staying in an ostsensiby committed relationship with their ds, a man she no longer loves, far longer than she should.

You've said your dd was originally more keen than him. Could this be because he knew he'd be expected/have to knuckle down to a full time job? If so, he's unlikely to suddenly grow some ambition and be a match for your dd.

It's only a one year contract, right?

So, it's best for her not to go.
Their relationship is not that strong.

They can have a clean break, or continue long distance and see what happens.

She can use the ticket that has already been bought to visit the country, then get a return.

I would suggest two things:

1. she goes tomorrow, but books a return flight for about 2-3 weeks time before she steps foot on the plane - a short trial to see how it goes with definite parameters. She can re-book a longer stay / more permanent later in the year
2. doesn't go but with the intention of booking for February / March - let him see the lie of the land and them both to see how parting feels. When she does go, go for a short stay (2 weeks) with the same idea as above (to return after easter or something).

It might mean more £££s in flights but there is no price on not compromising her own security and sanity!

I think she should go. Are you worried about losing a daughter (understandable)? But think: in a year or so she will be more established in her career, making it harder to leave; she may be tied down by a mortgage or other circumstances may change and make it impossible to go. Her company will take her on again in the future - there's nothing to lose. She may (like my mother who wanted to sell the house and drive to India on the hippie trail!) spend the rest of her life thinking "what if" and regretting not taking the chance.

If she goes, she will develop confidence and skills (adaptability, intercultural awareness, decision-making skills etc) that will be valuable in management and enhance her CV. Working in Oz is quite different to the UK (I worked for the same company here and in Melbourne and it was a totally different culture). She can also keep saving form her earnings there.

I met a lot of girls who had come over with a boyfriend but split when they realised that they were a lot more independent than their bf and were not regretting the decision. If this happens when she's away and it may even be easier to finish with an "unsuitable" bf as there's less peer pressure to let it drag on.

I left a UK job shortly before a promotion (temped for the same company in Oz) and sold my flat. My parents were of course worried about this and asked what I would do if I didn't like Oz and my answer was "I'll come back".

I came back.

But I learnt a lot, became more mature, confident and better at dealing with new situations / people, began a new career I would never have thought of before and now have a very good job (I entered my field when I was 30 btw). Even though I didn't fall in love with Oz, it was an incredible experience and I have never regretted it for a minute. SOrry for the length of this post!

She has said she doesn't want to go. She doesn't love him enough and is panicking.

Does she really need to ask....