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Original poster

Silver heart pendant (name change)

186 replies

Totallydistraught · 04/01/2013 21:48

You may remember my recent thread about my DH and his female friend and the silver pendant, which went back to the shop. Sadly, and I'm not sure how, things have gone rapidly and horribly downhill and though we tried a few counselling sessions, DH has announced that, according to him, there is not enough left between us to save the marriage. We are living in some sort of horrible limbo, he says he is not seeing anyone else just that, after 4 marriages, he thinks he should be alone. We have a 5 year old daughter, and I have 3 older children from my first marriage, who love him.

Though he won't admit it, I think he is having a delayed stress reaction from 3 awful years of running our own business, plus a recent operation and bereavement. The issues re Caroline seem to have diminished though I suspect she may be in the background. Mostly, I think he just wants to stop the world and get off for a while. He says I tried to control him in the summer when I was worried about Caroline but agrees I don't do that now.

He says he is going nowhere at the moment, he hasn't been doing much freelance work recently so we are under each others feet all the time. I suspect he was hoping to go to his brother's locally but his brother has made it clear he doesn't want him there.

I am hoping if I can just keep everything calm, get him back to work on monday the reality of giving up his entire life will come into focus. I think he is severely depressed but he won't have that, as he is a mental health professional. He has promised me he will go to his GP but has cancelled the appointment. The strain is awful, I have lots of support but at home he virtually ignores me and won't touch me at all. I am heartbroken and terrified.

I can't believe he is planning to leave his child as she is his only one and he adores her.

Any advice?

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Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 11:18

I am not certain and it would certainly fit his previous patterns but I am not convinced. It doesn't really matter - if he's leaving, he's leaving.

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tzella · 08/01/2013 11:19

Is he leaving? Is he getting his stuff together and looking for somewhere?

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 11:19

He'll rent somewhere local for 6/12 months and then they'll announce to the world they've just got together (I'm guessing about mid March) and isn't it so lovely after all they've been through that they've found each other blah blah blah

It's a distinct possibility, I can't deny it.

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Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 11:20

No, he's making no moves to leave at the moment. He has nowhere to go.

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badinage · 08/01/2013 11:22

Yes but why won't you ask him to?

And have you talked to Caroline's husband? Does he know what you know?

Thisisaeuphemism · 08/01/2013 11:23

Oh Totally. :(

He has nowhere to go yet because she hasn't moved out.

You haven't linked to the old thread, but I remember that there were loads of flirty, sexual texts and about three or four one-to-one meetings and he went hysterical when you asked him not to see her anymore.

Stay strong and tell him to F* off.

tzella · 08/01/2013 11:24

He can find somewhere to go. Really.

I read this on here a lot - that some men say "It's over" then just sit there, waiting for their now ex partner to make the next move, and the ex partner can't or doesn't really want to.

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 11:28

I haven't talked to her husband. I sent her a text before Christmas asking her again to back off, and he responded to me, saying my contact was inappropriate. He is trying to maintain their relationship so is backing her all the way. She won't be moving out, he is going at half term, at the moment at things stand.

I will only know in the fullness of time but it all seems a bit irrelevant now our marriage is broken down.

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Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 11:29

It is probably easier to see things clearly from a distance but I am just not ready at the moment for him to leave right now.

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Mu1berryBush · 08/01/2013 11:30

Also, wrt what your friends say to you, while he is under your roof not one of your friends is brave enough to say 'yes, actually I DO think they are going to set up home together'. Who wants to be the first friend to puncture your denial? to be the messenger that gets shot. I guess your friends don't ACTUALLY KNOW FOR A FACT either way, all they have is their gut, but it may be a less subjective gut than yours. So, supposing one of your friends takes on the role of messenger and tells you that their gut feeling is that there is something going on. You will want facts and figures to back up their gut. they don't have any different facts from the facts you have. They have just put them together differently. So, I can well understand why your friends don't say to you 'oh yeah i think they're planning to be together'. 1) you'd question what had led them to believe that/say that. And what can they say? It's just their gut feeling and doesn't trump your gut feeling so that's a conversation that would go nowhere. It would hurt you and if they are your friends they don't want to put salt in your wounds. While I'm on that analogy though, doesn't salt clean the wound and make it heal better in the long term? But in the immediate short term it stings so badly.

I hope that makes sense. What I mean is, don't take your friends' thoughts that this pair aren't together as proof that they are not together.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I #ve been in the position of saying what I knew a friend needed to hear right at that moment.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2013 11:31

OP, I think people are not understanding why you are being so passive

You seem to be basing your belief that these two are not planning their new life together on the idea that a couple of your friends have poo-poo'ed it and that they would "face bad feeling in the village" if they did. This man is starring in his own episodic "star crossed lovers" long running serial

Your biggest guide to what he is doing now is past behaviour

Can you accept that at least ?

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 11:34

One of my local friends has actually suggested it but has seen nothing apart from chatty stuff on Facebook that everyone else saw. The rest don't think so, although they agree the 'friendship' was too much. There's no proof either way at this point, and nothing will change the fact that the marriage is over.

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TippiShagpile · 08/01/2013 11:35

You say you aren't ready for him to leave yet.

From where I'm sitting it doesn't look like you ever will.

Or go to see that solicitor.

You deserve much better than this.

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 11:35

Yes, I can accept that past behaviour is an indicator. What does it really matter to the outcome of my marriage?

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Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 11:36

I have a solicitors appointment next Tuesday at 11am. I will be going.

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Mu1berryBush · 08/01/2013 11:36

Yupp, my x, to my surprise, turned up in court recently, suited, bespoke booted, dolce & gabanna spec frames, calf leather slip case........ you get the picture. This is a man who was abusive and who has paid no maintenance for over five years and yet he put himself before the judge like a man who had nothing to be ashamed of. He carried himself like a man with every right to feel righteous and proud. Do you understand that he will not see that he has behaved badly. He will create a new script. 'we were miserable, we had grown apart, for the sake of the child we had to separate'. You will probably be astonished but he will be out and about in the village like a man who has nothing to hide and nothing to feel awkward about.

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 11:37

Its only been 10 days since my life has been ripped apart. I am taking a little time to process.

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Mu1berryBush · 08/01/2013 11:38

Good for you totallyD.

Practise what questions you'll ask and write them down. It can be hard to write down all the questions because often some of your questions depend on the answers to previous questions so i had a list of questions and i also had a kind of flow-venn questions in boxes crib sheet and I STILL came out of the solicitors realising Oh I never asked x,y&z

Thisisaeuphemism · 08/01/2013 11:39

In one way it doesn't matter, you're right. If it's dead, it's dead.

In another way it does. In your op, you say its him being under stress, there's no love, its the business, the last three years etc.

Actually, its none of that. Here is a serial philanderer on his 4th marriage, who true to selfish form, has been having an affair with one of your friends, who suddenly is deciding to divorce her husband.

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 11:39

I don't think he thinks he has behaved particularly badly, although I have repeatedly told him so. That's why he was so angry his brothers weren't sympathetic. He will feel it if he stays here, I have lots of supportive friends.

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AnyFucker · 08/01/2013 11:40

Well, love, it does matter.

Because I think you are going to hang on and hope this all blows over, therefore leaving all the power to hurt you and humiliate you in his hands. If it isn't "Caroline" it will be someone else.

He isn't going to leave until he and she are good and ready. That could be some time, or not at all since he is still getting the warm family stoked at home. He even said "things have to improve at home" meaning you need to shut up moaning and let him get on with his dalliance in peace.

Mu1berryBush · 08/01/2013 11:41

TotallyDistraught, yeh I get that. We are speeding up that process and without a doubt, denial is a form of protection. It stabalises you when the rug has been ripped out from under you because it means you only have to digest what little amount of truth you can bring yourself to believe.

BUT...... in the long term, You will have more dignity if you can look back and know that you didn't fall for the lies, that you approached a solicitor sooner rather than later, that you faught your own corner. It's not about being a bitch. But you need to look after you from now on and when you're looking back on this raising your eyes to heaven with your friends (and you will) you'll feel less humiliated if you know that you saw things how they WERE not how he told you they were, and that you very quickly made sure that you were going to march to the beat of your own drum from now on.

badinage · 08/01/2013 11:41

Agree entirely that your friends don't want to be the messenger and in a village setting, they probably don't want to get overly involved as everyone's known to eachother.

But anyone who heard this story would be thinking it.

I'm really sorry you're not ready to ask him to leave. You're going to get more and more rundown and browbeaten by this cruel, cruel man and that's definitely going to have an effect on your child.

What do your older kids say about all this - and your own family?

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 11:42

Going to get ready to see my counsellor now, will catch up later on. Thanks to everyone for their comments.

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Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 11:43

My older kids don't know yet. My family are devastated, supportive and furious.

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