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Original poster

Silver heart pendant (name change)

186 replies

Totallydistraught · 04/01/2013 21:48

You may remember my recent thread about my DH and his female friend and the silver pendant, which went back to the shop. Sadly, and I'm not sure how, things have gone rapidly and horribly downhill and though we tried a few counselling sessions, DH has announced that, according to him, there is not enough left between us to save the marriage. We are living in some sort of horrible limbo, he says he is not seeing anyone else just that, after 4 marriages, he thinks he should be alone. We have a 5 year old daughter, and I have 3 older children from my first marriage, who love him.

Though he won't admit it, I think he is having a delayed stress reaction from 3 awful years of running our own business, plus a recent operation and bereavement. The issues re Caroline seem to have diminished though I suspect she may be in the background. Mostly, I think he just wants to stop the world and get off for a while. He says I tried to control him in the summer when I was worried about Caroline but agrees I don't do that now.

He says he is going nowhere at the moment, he hasn't been doing much freelance work recently so we are under each others feet all the time. I suspect he was hoping to go to his brother's locally but his brother has made it clear he doesn't want him there.

I am hoping if I can just keep everything calm, get him back to work on monday the reality of giving up his entire life will come into focus. I think he is severely depressed but he won't have that, as he is a mental health professional. He has promised me he will go to his GP but has cancelled the appointment. The strain is awful, I have lots of support but at home he virtually ignores me and won't touch me at all. I am heartbroken and terrified.

I can't believe he is planning to leave his child as she is his only one and he adores her.

Any advice?

OP posts:
garlicbollocks · 07/01/2013 14:51

I feel for you, too :(

Plainly I agree with everyone else: you're worth your own respect, and that of your child. The fact of others' willing support proves your worth as an individual, and a usually excellent ability to surround yourself with good people.

There are folk who hook into people who see the best in them, often because they can't quite believe in themselves. Sadly, their self-mistrust carries the seeds of their repeated downfall and, fulfilling their own expectations, they keep moving on to the next 'believer'.

You didn't do anything wrong - except, perhaps, to pin your faith on the myth of woman as man's salvation. (Beauty & The Beast; the little mermaid; frogs & princesses ... ) Next time, appreciate that you're worth a 'prince'. You don't need to create him.

mamaslatts · 07/01/2013 15:16

How horrible for you. Agree with garlic, sounds like he's been getting his shit together, selling the business, having his op etc in preparation for leaving. I think he's probably been planning this a long while and that's why, for you, it seems so sudden. He may well be depressed, as well, he may not (and therefore, cancelling his GP appointment because HE knows exactly what the problem is.)

He may well have worked hard in the past for you all, he may love his dc/dsc very much but that doesn't really change the situation you are in. Would see a solicitor of your own as soon as. Would he really make you and the children move out if you found the situation intolerable? It sounds like his brother has seen it all before and isn't going to enable him any longer. If he refuses to move and the solicitor says he doesn't have to, what are you options? Does anyone know? Do you have any other accounts (other than his) of how he has behaved in previous divorces?

TippiShagpile · 07/01/2013 16:22

Do you know how he left his previous wives?

Did he walk out? Did they walk out? (What I'm getting at is whether he made their lives so intolerable so they left which makes it easier for him)

Did he keep the marital home(s)?

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 07/01/2013 17:41

He has usually walked out with a suitcase and little else. He hasn't kept any of the marital homes - twice, he had kept his own flat, so all was quite straightforward. He had usually has got out as quickly as possible with minimum fuss. Relatively easy in the past as no children. His brother has told me about his divorces and its the same as he told me himself.

He is not particularly financially motivated and I don't think he will be spiteful about money.

We have had the business on the market since we relocated - April 2010. His operation wasn't planned - it was done, not quite as an emergency but for pressing medical reasons. He found it very stressful as it was on a delicate part of his anatomy. Despite what may appear, I don't think he has been planning this for a long time.

I don't think he would make us move out - but he knows I can't force hm without an injunction and I don't think I would have grounds. Not sure what my options would be, he has expressed a wish to keep our 5 year old at the sane school till she is 9, and to maintain stability for my older children.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 07/01/2013 18:27

Are you still doing his chore - laundry, shopping, cooking etc?

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/01/2013 18:27

chores

AnyFucker · 07/01/2013 18:31

Please tell us you are not. Nor that you are still sleeping with him.

TippiShagpile · 07/01/2013 18:32

I think the best thing you can do right now is to speak to a family solicitor and get some practical advice about separation/finances etc.

I just don't see how you can continue to live together without you suffering from a mental health point of view.

I know that a lot of posters have given very frank (and imvho very good) advice to get rid. However, I worry that if you are all under one roof there's a part of you that's waiting for him to "see the light" and decide you are what he wants after all. I just don't think that's going to happen.

Mu1berryBush · 07/01/2013 18:34

the best you can hope for is that he has some respect for you for the next 30 years. That's more likely if you stop pandering to his needs and start suiting yourself.

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 07/01/2013 18:43

No, we're not sleeping together but I'm still running the house as he is working. Since the business sale, I'm not working yet so I don't have an income. Actually, when he's here he does most of the cooking anyway.

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AnyFucker · 07/01/2013 18:51

I would "run the house" ie. keep it clean and look after dc if I was living there and not working.

But his laundry and other domestic needs would be his own. He would be cooking and eating his own meals alone.

garlicbollocks · 07/01/2013 18:59

Unless the rules have changed since my day, a divorce court doesn't consider you separated unless you are specifically not sharing meals, laundry, holidays and a few other things - there are lists online. X2 and I used to eat together if we were both in, but were positively paranoid about letting anybody know. (We also had sex sometimes Blush and damn well didn't tell anyone that!)

You should probably get forms from the court - or a divorce website - and become legally separate. It'll concentrate your minds wonderfully, as well as easing the path should you eventually divorce.

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 07/01/2013 19:05

Thank you for the advice but as its only 10 days since the idea was first introduced, am not quite ready for that. Have counselling appointment tomorrow so will talk things through. I do appreciate all the input though.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 07/01/2013 19:07

Yes, all his laundry, bed making, ironing, shopping, cooking etc should be left for him to do. The whole point is to make him feel the loss of domestic comforts. As it is, he is taking the piss.

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 07/01/2013 19:08

He does 80% of cooking for the whole family anyway!

OP posts:
garlicbollocks · 07/01/2013 19:24

Sorry, Totally, I realised that after I'd hit post Blush

HecatePropolos · 07/01/2013 19:27

Ah. sorry to read that.

I did think it would probably be the case.

I strongly believe that if he's done it 3 times - that's what's happening now. And if you could compare notes with his three previous wives - they'd be able to describe to you the life you are currently leading.

I bet he is preparing to be on his way again, and it's only a matter of time now.

I'm sorry.

Backroomgirl · 07/01/2013 23:52

Finding this one sadly familiar op!

Have you spoken to his brother, maybe you could get him to talk to DH?

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 07/01/2013 23:58

I have spoken to both his brothers (he would have a fit if he knew) - they are both really disappointed and angry but sadly, not totally unsurprised, though they both thought that being a father might change things this time. Apparently he announced it just as he was leaving, and his brother told him not to give up yet.

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Backroomgirl · 08/01/2013 00:05

So sorry op, didn't see the original thread referred to. Is DH having the alleged affair? It's not clear from what you say now, strikes me that DH is just on the move, whatever his motivation. This isn't helpful I guess, but maybe time you just got out or got him out

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 00:09

Well, unlike most MNers who have posted, I am not totally convinced he is having an affair, he says not but I wouldn't be totally surprised. My local friends who know them both also think that it's unlikely but in some ways it doesn't matter so much now. Leaving is leaving is leaving, after all...

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Backroomgirl · 08/01/2013 00:19

I tend to agree op, leaving is leaving, it becomes prurient to know why in the end but we all need a reason! Have you got an escape route planned? I'm a complete tart but I'd be hunting simply at a vengeful level!! I really hope you come out on top in this x

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 00:24

No escape route yet, planning to sit tight in our nice village thatched house as long as possible. Whilst I do feel angry and quite often specifically punchy, I don't want to get locked in a vengeful battle as we have to co parent and we can't afford to waste thousands on legal fees. I need to use my energy to work for a positive outcome for myself and my lovely DC's.

OP posts:
Backroomgirl · 08/01/2013 00:41

Good call op,I can only admire your strength! Get a shag soonest though, and get him out of your bed quickly, he no longer has access rights!

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 08/01/2013 02:41

Oh dear. Brother no 2 told him I had called, although he promised me he wouldn't say anything. He is very angry and upset with DH, understandably, and DH is spitting. I can see why but I think he finds it difficult to accept that his decision may not please people. We had quite a spat, probably healthy, in which he suggested that he thinks I am actually quite relieved it's over as my distress doesn't 'seem genuine.' Fuck me, my sobbing and snots seemed to annoy him, perhaps he would be satisfied if I opened a vein. I clarified that I was absolutely devastated, and if he thought anything less, he was kidding himself and trying to make himself feel less guilty. Going to get some initial legal advice next week. Feel sad but a tiny bit stronger.

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