Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silver heart pendant (name change)

186 replies

Totallydistraught · 04/01/2013 21:48

You may remember my recent thread about my DH and his female friend and the silver pendant, which went back to the shop. Sadly, and I'm not sure how, things have gone rapidly and horribly downhill and though we tried a few counselling sessions, DH has announced that, according to him, there is not enough left between us to save the marriage. We are living in some sort of horrible limbo, he says he is not seeing anyone else just that, after 4 marriages, he thinks he should be alone. We have a 5 year old daughter, and I have 3 older children from my first marriage, who love him.

Though he won't admit it, I think he is having a delayed stress reaction from 3 awful years of running our own business, plus a recent operation and bereavement. The issues re Caroline seem to have diminished though I suspect she may be in the background. Mostly, I think he just wants to stop the world and get off for a while. He says I tried to control him in the summer when I was worried about Caroline but agrees I don't do that now.

He says he is going nowhere at the moment, he hasn't been doing much freelance work recently so we are under each others feet all the time. I suspect he was hoping to go to his brother's locally but his brother has made it clear he doesn't want him there.

I am hoping if I can just keep everything calm, get him back to work on monday the reality of giving up his entire life will come into focus. I think he is severely depressed but he won't have that, as he is a mental health professional. He has promised me he will go to his GP but has cancelled the appointment. The strain is awful, I have lots of support but at home he virtually ignores me and won't touch me at all. I am heartbroken and terrified.

I can't believe he is planning to leave his child as she is his only one and he adores her.

Any advice?

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin · 06/01/2013 10:17

OP I remeber your last thread

i think he needs tough love, let him go

I know you wa\nt to keep him and heal him with love, but the only way the marriage can be salavged is if HE decided to get his shit together

and I think it does sound very fishy :-(

let him go, and really you deserve better. you know that dont you?

he is treating you bad, and you must try and nurture YOU, not him

i am sorry what a shitty thing xxx

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 06/01/2013 10:24

Thank you! Am trying to retain dignity, have a good network of family and friends and trying to keep myself busy and focus on DC's for the time being. Will also get some legal advice.

OP posts:
HappyNewSkyebluesapphire · 06/01/2013 10:30

Hi there. I know it seems like some posters on here are a bit harsh, I felt exactly the same, but whatever happens, those people will still be here for you to support you.

I have gone from "happily married" to divorced in less than a year, something that I never ever thought would happen. I thought that XH was having a breakdown or a Mid Life Crisis.... but it was a typical cliche of older man 48 falling for younger woman 31. An obsession, not a relationship.

I fought against all advice on here as I wanted to save my marriage, but some things are unsaveable :( I totally understand how you feel, if you want to PM me, please do.

If you want to hold on, then do that, but you would be right to get some legal advice so that you know exactly where you stand. You need to be prepared for every eventually. You can either be a victim, or a victor, and if you are prepared mentally for things not to work out, then you will be a lot better off.

I thought that my XH would never be able to leave his 4yo DD. He was told in the past that he could not have children, so she was the best thing that ever happened to him. Yet he still left her.

I wish you luck and we are all here for support

HecatePropolos · 06/01/2013 10:31

sorry you're going through this.

Why did his three other marriages fail? Is there a pattern? Another woman? Bailing when all in the garden wasn't rosy? Unable to deal with real life?

I don't think your marriage is salvageable. It doesn't read like he wants to save it. It reads like he wants to do what he's done 3 times before.

Is it that he's got some fantasy of married life and as soon as the reality doesn't match up to that, he's off?

how long was he single between marriages?

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire · 06/01/2013 10:31

eventually = eventuality...

AnyFucker · 06/01/2013 10:55

There is no dignity in being treated like a fool

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 06/01/2013 11:02

Hi op, i don't think i saw your previous thread, but from what i have read on this thread i would have to say i agree with AF and Hully.

4 previous marriages would be an instant no for me. It seems like he likes the idea of a relationship and marriage, but gets bored quickly then moves on to the next wife.

I think you would be doing yourself a massive favour if you ditched the wanker and found someone who loves and respects you.

badinage · 06/01/2013 11:49

It's been since it has sold that things have gone downhill - about September onwards.

I don't suppose that was the catalyst for things going downhill at all.

When did you start having concerns about the woman he bought the pendant for? Around September time? Before that?

The affair is far more likely to have been the source of his unravelling.

garlicbollocks · 06/01/2013 14:39

If I were running a family, an alternative relationship and a business that wasn't going too well, I suspect I'd put long-term decisions about the relationship on hold until my finances had stabilised one way or the other. The family and the business are mutually involved - the relationship is basically an escape - so I can't ditch the family until the business is resolved.

Once it's clear the business is going, I'd be able to evaluate my options. At this point, I might feel my commitment to the family had gone the way of the business. My 'escape' relationship is now my future. All I've got to do now is plan that future and leave my failures (business and family) behind.

If I'd already bailed on previous commitments, I'd feel pretty sure this is the way things go in my life. I'd look always to the new horizon - ever ready to buy a new ticket - and travel light.

garlicbollocks · 06/01/2013 14:50

Totally, you've said you felt sure you were different because you had a child together. Did you ever have the feeling you'd captured something rare and flighty, as it were? Like the tame songbird of traditional fables?

In those fables, the bird eventually stops singing and dies ...

It's good to hear you're so well supported in your life :) It sounds as though his brother's got his measure; talking to him about your H's previous marriages - and, maybe, to the ex-wives - could possibly help you get your head around current events.

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 07/01/2013 00:37

No, I didn't see that, garlic bollocks. I saw a man who'd had a crap past, who owned up to his part, who wanted something different. I didn't rush headlong into marriage and in the meantime worked his arse off to be a good partner, father and stepfather. I have adored him for 7 years and am facing up to a different future from the one I hoped for and expected. I'll live, I expect.

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallydistraught · 07/01/2013 00:39

'Why did his three other marriages fail? Is there a pattern? Another woman? Bailing when all in the garden wasn't rosy? Unable to deal with real life?'

All these.....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2013 00:44

Just out of interest, was there an overlap between the end of his last marriage and his relationship with you ?

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 07/01/2013 00:45

Yes and I guess I deserve everything I have got now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2013 00:52

How long do you think you have before you go the same way as all the others ? Sad

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 07/01/2013 00:56

Not long I suspect, but I have to work out an ongoing relationship with him as we have a daughter to care for.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2013 01:00

Yes, you do but I really hope that you don't still have hopes that it can be a romantic one, or certainly not a monogamous one.

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 07/01/2013 01:03

I think those have been fully squashed now.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 07/01/2013 01:08

You were the previous OW and yet you still believed him when he said there wasn't anyone else? Really?? I'm sorry that you thought you had something different with him than all the others had or that you thought your DD would be enough to make him man up - but sadly, it's so seldom the case, what he will do with you, he will do to you.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2013 01:09

I am very sorry x

Original poster
Totallydistraught · 07/01/2013 01:10

Thank you AF

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2013 01:17

"I will live, I expect".

Well, you wouldn't fancy the alternative....

But yes, you will. There is no man (or woman..) alive worth this. Let him go to pursue his next ego-boost, you are done with it.

badinage · 07/01/2013 01:44

Oh I see.

This is why you so desperately want to think he's ill and depressed, not unfaithful.

Because then you'd be forced to admit that it's never a faulty woman or relationship that makes a serial cheat unfaithful....it's him.

I suppose as objective bystanders, now that you've revealed his history, it seems crazy that him buying a pendant for another woman and then bailing out of your relationship could ever have been interpreted as something else, but it does sound as though it might have hit home now.

It was honest of you to answer the question too, so fair play to you.

Honey, I've known a few men like this - I've even got one in my extended family. Having children isn't the pull or the glue that it is for others. These people are far too selfish to be parents, in truth.

It's not you, it's not your child and it was never his ex wives either.

The common denominator in all these failed relationships and serial infidelity is one selfish man.

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/01/2013 08:46

He sounds like my FIL who married three times and had several affairs. Nothing, even his children could make him remain faithful Sad

I would start rebuilding your own life as a single parent.

Skyebluesapphire · 07/01/2013 10:48

I am sorry you are going through this and no you do not deserve it.

But you do need to keep yourself strong and put yourself first from now on. I have cried millions of tears over my XH who doesn't deserve them, but it is all part of the healing and moving on process.

At the moment I cannot look at or speak to my XH, we communicate solely by text and email, but hopefully that will change one day, when I no longer give a damn about him.

My XH said that he could never leave his child, couldn't imagine her sad little face if he wasn't here in the morning, yet after getting infatuated with OW, he did just that.

You know what your H is capable of as he has done it before and sadly, he will go on and do it again and again, but in the future it will not be your problem.