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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tempted to go back to ex dp... tell me what you think of these red flags!

105 replies

ilovetodancethenightaway · 04/01/2013 20:29

Nc as think a few may know me here in rl.

Met ex dp in Sept, ended it (via text!) in Nov. All in all we were together for a couple of months. We spent quite a bit of time together in these couple of months, including a holiday. There were mini red flags right from the start, although I brushed these under the carpet (I think so he could live up to the perfect man fantasy bubble I had him in!).

I am getting more and more tempted to get in contact with him again. I know he would take me back in a shot, and I am questioning whether I was over reacting to the red flags that put me off him in the first place. Here they are... please either talk me out of getting back in contact, or tell me I was being an idiot for dumping him.

During our first 'proper' kiss (in the car) he got his dick out and started wanking.

During sex on a couple of occasions he 'patted' my fanjo like in porn films!!. boak!!

One night during drunken sex out of the blue put porn on the TV

Once when I was sorting out some washing he told me to hurry up and said 'I want some you time'.... cringe!!

Before my Birthday made lots of noises about taking me to Edinburgh for the night, we ended up staying at his. He cooked but with not a lot of effort. He said after I had said I didn't want to go away for the night, but I swear I had not!

Was always asking for a neck rub (which he called a 'tickley neck') but never gave one in return.

Was tight with money...took me out for lunch then let me pay when I offered first (I was just trying to be polite!)

Was a St Johns volunteer so had a Paramedics look a like uniform...kept offering to put it on for me (jokingly, but still annoying). Made me cringe as my ex dp was a Fireman so no shortage of uniforms in my past, haha!!

Could only stay hard during sex if I told him stories of me being fucked by other men. Never came inside me, always finished himself off. Often told me to play with myself during sex whilst he wanked himself.

Was once embarrasingly rude to a cashier for not offering a plastic bag to pack shopping in to straight away. I could have died!

He is 39 and has never lived with anyone, never been married and no dc's.

Good things:

Good looking, good job, funny, could be very caring and considerate, good company, we had a 'connection'... which I think is why I am finding it hard to let go. Same hopes and dreams, lots in common. We got on like the best of friends. He is only the second man in my life I have had the 'connection' with sad

Help!!

OP posts:
TheBOF · 04/01/2013 20:30

Seriously?

AlmostAHipster · 04/01/2013 20:31

What on earth would you see in a man who wanked during your first kiss? It's hilariously wrong!

EleanorCuntBucket · 04/01/2013 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whocansay · 04/01/2013 20:33

Please reread what you've just written. Now, he showed you all this in 2 months. Imagine what you might find out after 6months!!!

Absolutely DNR. And if he approached you, run like fuck.

TheBOF · 04/01/2013 20:34

Check the back of your head. Does it have a zip? Is it possible that your brains have fallen out?

TurnipCake · 04/01/2013 20:34

You've got to be kidding me

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 20:34

"He is 39 and has never lived with anyone, never been married and no dc's."

Gosh.. I wonder why? Hmm His lack of real-live female company means his terms of reference are all porn-related. He has therefore evolved into a pervert ... give him a wide berth.

HappyNewHissy · 04/01/2013 20:35

Dear GOD... why on earth would you NOT run SCREAMING from this weirdo?

seriously he is FUCKED UP!

My love, and I mean this with the best love in the world, you need to get you some of that Self Esteem stuff.

Why on EARTH would you have a connection with a guy like this? who abused you/neglected you/told you you were shit THAT badly for you to identify with him?

What are your family like?

Keep talking, we'll see you right by the way, whatever it is you need help with.

((((hug)))

Leverette · 04/01/2013 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsMcEnroe · 04/01/2013 20:36

Seriously??

Do not contact him!!!!!!!!! Ever!!!!!!!!

HappyNewHissy · 04/01/2013 20:37

Oh and an 8 week relationship is NOT something you call someone a DP over. he's not even a boyfriend....

mammadiggingdeep · 04/01/2013 20:38

This is a wind up surely?????? He sounds absolutely horrendous!!!!! He wanked himself off during your first kiss?????? Can u ask why you saw him again after this? I'm not being funny that's a genuine question.

Please don't get back with him....he's an arse. He sounds like he belongs in that programme the inbetweeners.....not a grown man of 39!!!!!! Run for the hills!!!

Sunnywithshowers · 04/01/2013 20:39

Wanked during your first kiss? Honestly?

mammadiggingdeep · 04/01/2013 20:40

Yes, I agree with that.....an 8 week relationship is barely boyfriend/ girlfriend terms, defo not dp.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2013 20:40

Good heavens no!. Just no!. Unless of course you want to start living in your own nightmare with Mr Inadequate Loser with an accompanying Ton Of Issues.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Why did you become his girlfriend?. Why were you so willing to brush the red flags under the carpet?. Do you feel on some level that you perhaps need to rescue and or save such damaged men from themselves?.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2013 20:41

are you really so fucking desperate ?

Dozer · 04/01/2013 20:41
Grin
ILikeWhisperingToo · 04/01/2013 20:42

Sorry, I too am only at flag no.1 and already think you are well rid. I don't even need to read the rest. Good luck going onwards and upwards without this (literal) tosser!

dequoisagitil · 04/01/2013 20:43

Seriously, you're tempted to get back with this muppet? Hmm

Really really?

shotofexpresso · 04/01/2013 20:43

I think he actually has some like serious issues,

was he exposed to a lot of porn very young? like verging on abusive?

I mean yeah don't go back there really, but poor you and to some extent poor him I wonder if he realises how damaged he is.

btw'patting fanjo' whats that? slightly worried

dequoisagitil · 04/01/2013 20:44

It's got to be a wind-up.

JustAHolyFool · 04/01/2013 20:44

People do not wank during first kisses. Or any kisses, unless their partner has said it's ok.

He is odd. You need your head checked if you go back to him.

Whocansay · 04/01/2013 20:44

Is this a reverse AIBU?

OeufsEnCocotte · 04/01/2013 20:46

OP, you have devoted nearly 300 words to his bad points and only 60 to the good things about your brief relationship with him. That in itself speaks volumes.

But this would be an absolute bye-bye for me:

Could only stay hard during sex if I told him stories of me being fucked by other men. Never came inside me, always finished himself off. Often told me to play with myself during sex whilst he wanked himself.

You know this isn't good. Could you really carry on having to 'perform' in this way in the long-term?

OeufsEnCocotte · 04/01/2013 20:48

Fanjo patting and "I want some you time" are also beyond the pale. Do not contact him again.