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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tempted to go back to ex dp... tell me what you think of these red flags!

105 replies

ilovetodancethenightaway · 04/01/2013 20:29

Nc as think a few may know me here in rl.

Met ex dp in Sept, ended it (via text!) in Nov. All in all we were together for a couple of months. We spent quite a bit of time together in these couple of months, including a holiday. There were mini red flags right from the start, although I brushed these under the carpet (I think so he could live up to the perfect man fantasy bubble I had him in!).

I am getting more and more tempted to get in contact with him again. I know he would take me back in a shot, and I am questioning whether I was over reacting to the red flags that put me off him in the first place. Here they are... please either talk me out of getting back in contact, or tell me I was being an idiot for dumping him.

During our first 'proper' kiss (in the car) he got his dick out and started wanking.

During sex on a couple of occasions he 'patted' my fanjo like in porn films!!. boak!!

One night during drunken sex out of the blue put porn on the TV

Once when I was sorting out some washing he told me to hurry up and said 'I want some you time'.... cringe!!

Before my Birthday made lots of noises about taking me to Edinburgh for the night, we ended up staying at his. He cooked but with not a lot of effort. He said after I had said I didn't want to go away for the night, but I swear I had not!

Was always asking for a neck rub (which he called a 'tickley neck') but never gave one in return.

Was tight with money...took me out for lunch then let me pay when I offered first (I was just trying to be polite!)

Was a St Johns volunteer so had a Paramedics look a like uniform...kept offering to put it on for me (jokingly, but still annoying). Made me cringe as my ex dp was a Fireman so no shortage of uniforms in my past, haha!!

Could only stay hard during sex if I told him stories of me being fucked by other men. Never came inside me, always finished himself off. Often told me to play with myself during sex whilst he wanked himself.

Was once embarrasingly rude to a cashier for not offering a plastic bag to pack shopping in to straight away. I could have died!

He is 39 and has never lived with anyone, never been married and no dc's.

Good things:

Good looking, good job, funny, could be very caring and considerate, good company, we had a 'connection'... which I think is why I am finding it hard to let go. Same hopes and dreams, lots in common. We got on like the best of friends. He is only the second man in my life I have had the 'connection' with sad

Help!!

OP posts:
dippyDoohdah · 04/01/2013 21:24

not sure why some people post on threads just to take the piss out of the op...what some people are checking out may seem beyond the pale but we all have different frames of reference and surely a bit of sensitivity is more humane..

InTheNightGarden · 04/01/2013 21:25

CANNOT STOP LAUGHING... Haha! you poor thing though, I'm torn between "well that must of been a fun few months" ...and..."oh my goodness what a cringey few months" ....however, do NOT get back in contact... ...

tzella · 04/01/2013 21:26

As an aside; what is up with the fanjo patting in porn? It vaguely made me wonder if lots and lots (EVERYONE ELSE EVER) of women enjoy it and I just don't Hmm

TalkativeJim · 04/01/2013 21:28

Gosh this is a difficult one OP, I totally see the dilemma Grin

Would that I had wanky grim penis car man at my disposal

TalkativeJim · 04/01/2013 21:29

Fanjo patting? How does that work? What, like a friendly tap?

LynetteScavo · 04/01/2013 21:29

There is a reason a good looking, funny, caring, considerate 39yo man with a good job his never lived with anyone, never been married, and has no DCs.

It's because they behave like this.....

AnyFucker · 04/01/2013 21:29

I often wonder why people post threads to take the piss out of respondents. But there you go. Takes all sorts.

LynetteScavo · 04/01/2013 21:30

I've never witnessed fanjo patting. [not sure which smiley to use]

tzella · 04/01/2013 21:30

Jim more of a very light, very fast slapping of the mons.

I know I know

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 21:30

"have to ask why I kept on seeing such a prick."

How you answer that is actually the key. We all meet tossers... in your case literally Hmm ... and the way to survive life is to be able to meet, judge and reject in short order. Reasons for going back for more and giving someone this bad repeated changes could be anything from loneliness, low self-esteem and desperation to a misplaced sense of romantic optimism.

OeufsEnCocotte · 04/01/2013 21:31

tzella fanjo patting is a figment of the patriarchal imagination. Unless you've got a clit the size of a bouncy castle.

OP - don't be discouraged by the "hard-nuts" on this thread and good luck with moving on from Mr Hand Shandy.

Spero · 04/01/2013 21:32

There is quite a marked difference between 'taking the piss' and politely pointing out that someone is being needlessly aggressive and unpleasant.

dippyDoohdah · 04/01/2013 21:32

eh?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 21:33

No-one else even mildly worried that this weirdo is in St Johns Ambulance? Getting his jollies kissing people back to life....

tzella · 04/01/2013 21:34

fanjo patting is a figment of the patriarchal imagination

I knew it!! But seriously - I understand why cunnilingus always looks so awful (tongue stuck way out etc) as it look 'better' being filmed but what the actual fuck does patting achieve?

Spero · 04/01/2013 21:34

I am referring to AF. I too do not see the point of commenting so aggressively to this op. Would that we all were born with wisdom and the ability to make impeccable life choices. At least op can sense danger.

tzella · 04/01/2013 21:36

Went google "fanjo patting" and am delighted it wondered if I meant "fanjo boil" and an MN thread is the top result Smile

dippyDoohdah · 04/01/2013 21:37

whatever.people post to get advice, so it would be a bit more supportive with a bit less aggressive mocking.of course, just my perspective!

NotOnTheBeach · 04/01/2013 21:37

Yes, something else to worry about.
Do not, people, need first aid at some big public event.
Bleed to death, carry on suffocating, anything to keep this creep at arms length.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 21:38

I think fanjo patting is in the same 'Porn Acting For Dummies' handbook as ... wild head-tossing, willy-whipping and buttock-slapping. Disclaimer... I've never seen any myself, you understand just heard about it.

dippyDoohdah · 04/01/2013 21:39

agree, spero :)

Spero · 04/01/2013 21:39

Dippy, I am agreeing with you, but my spider senses tell me you don't think this. Perhaps I am just over sensitive to use of 'whatever'.

Spero · 04/01/2013 21:40

ooops, spider senses misled me again. Sorry.

dippyDoohdah · 04/01/2013 21:42

that's ok! my spider senses a bit skewed too..Friday feeling :)

tawse57 · 04/01/2013 21:42

How does one 'pat' a 'fanjo' - never heard it called that before. Why don't you call it Derek instead. That is just as silly a name.

You've just reminded of that very funny blonde doctor in 'Scrubs' who constantly would use made up silly names for her... bajingo! LOL

What TheBOF said - SERIOUSLY!?

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