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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tempted to go back to ex dp... tell me what you think of these red flags!

105 replies

ilovetodancethenightaway · 04/01/2013 20:29

Nc as think a few may know me here in rl.

Met ex dp in Sept, ended it (via text!) in Nov. All in all we were together for a couple of months. We spent quite a bit of time together in these couple of months, including a holiday. There were mini red flags right from the start, although I brushed these under the carpet (I think so he could live up to the perfect man fantasy bubble I had him in!).

I am getting more and more tempted to get in contact with him again. I know he would take me back in a shot, and I am questioning whether I was over reacting to the red flags that put me off him in the first place. Here they are... please either talk me out of getting back in contact, or tell me I was being an idiot for dumping him.

During our first 'proper' kiss (in the car) he got his dick out and started wanking.

During sex on a couple of occasions he 'patted' my fanjo like in porn films!!. boak!!

One night during drunken sex out of the blue put porn on the TV

Once when I was sorting out some washing he told me to hurry up and said 'I want some you time'.... cringe!!

Before my Birthday made lots of noises about taking me to Edinburgh for the night, we ended up staying at his. He cooked but with not a lot of effort. He said after I had said I didn't want to go away for the night, but I swear I had not!

Was always asking for a neck rub (which he called a 'tickley neck') but never gave one in return.

Was tight with money...took me out for lunch then let me pay when I offered first (I was just trying to be polite!)

Was a St Johns volunteer so had a Paramedics look a like uniform...kept offering to put it on for me (jokingly, but still annoying). Made me cringe as my ex dp was a Fireman so no shortage of uniforms in my past, haha!!

Could only stay hard during sex if I told him stories of me being fucked by other men. Never came inside me, always finished himself off. Often told me to play with myself during sex whilst he wanked himself.

Was once embarrasingly rude to a cashier for not offering a plastic bag to pack shopping in to straight away. I could have died!

He is 39 and has never lived with anyone, never been married and no dc's.

Good things:

Good looking, good job, funny, could be very caring and considerate, good company, we had a 'connection'... which I think is why I am finding it hard to let go. Same hopes and dreams, lots in common. We got on like the best of friends. He is only the second man in my life I have had the 'connection' with sad

Help!!

OP posts:
myalias · 04/01/2013 20:48

Was always asking for a neck rub (which he called a 'tickley neck') but never gave one in return
Seriously disturbing that you would want one in return

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2013 20:49
KatieScarlett2833 · 04/01/2013 20:52

Haha this guy is an anecdote, not a contender OP. Don't just walk away, run .......

Original poster
ilovetodancethenightaway · 04/01/2013 20:54

The wanking during kissing... it did make me think wtaf at the time but he was so kind/charming in other ways I just put it to the back of my mind, buried it away.

Written down as a list in the cold light of day it does all seem ridiculously awful but these were small moments, always written off by him as 'too much to drink' or he just realised he was being a dick and said sorry.

I called him 'dp' in the op but to be honest it was more seeing each other, hence dumping by text.

I had an incredibly emotionally abusive dad, thought I had moved on from it all but clearly not. Am going to have to seek counseling I think. No excuse for such shit judgment on my behalf, very worrying in fact.

This is what I needed though... a good, cold wake up call so thanks everyone Smile

OP posts:
WeAreEternal · 04/01/2013 20:55

Why on earth did you see him again after he started playing with himself during your first ever kiss?!?
I may be wrong here but wouldn't most people run for the hills at that point?

Don't you dare contact him, run away as fast and as far as you can, and please never look back!!

MarcelineTheVampireQueen · 04/01/2013 20:55

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth...

GColdtimer · 04/01/2013 20:56

Gosh, he sounds like a real catch Grin

Seriously op, you have to ask??

ThereGoesTheYear · 04/01/2013 20:57

You probably get the picture about whether you should go back to him...
But I'm concerned that there was even a second date after the wanking episode. Before you date anyone else I think you should have a look at why your self esteem is so low that you would accept this treatment.

Spero · 04/01/2013 20:57

Although I suspect I may be in a minority on this, it is not so much the masturbating like a gibbon during a tender first kiss that would have me running screaming to the hills, but rather that he was rude to a cashier for not offering him a plastic bag.

In my embarrassingly extensive experience of tossers, being rude to people you perceive as being lower down the food chain than you is the copper bottomed absolutely irrefutable proof that you are an awful human being.

ThereGoesTheYear · 04/01/2013 20:58

X-post. Counselling sounds like an excellent idea. Good luck. Smile

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2013 21:00

"I had an incredibly emotionally abusive dad, thought I had moved on from it all but clearly not"

Not entirely surprised to read the above. It is precisely why I asked you what you learnt about relationships when growing up. I don't think you've even begun to scratch the surface with regards to him and that dysfunctional relationship.

You certainly need to unlearn all the crap this bloke and your Dad taught you and its going to take a long time as well as being painful for you. If you do go to counselling (and it looks like you will do this) I would suggest you contact BACP. I would suggest too that you have a look at the Womens Aid Freedom Programme as such men take a long time to recover from.

OeufsEnCocotte · 04/01/2013 21:01

Glad you've got some clarity OP - I can really sympathise with the Dad thing and have also had some weird relationships with men who had similar, erm, 'quirks' to what you've described.

Defo get some counselling / CBT if it's available in your area - CBT really helped me to start valuing myself and get out of the mentality that meant I was settling for inadequates like your erstwhile squeeze.

OeufsEnCocotte · 04/01/2013 21:03

Perhaps "squeeze" was not the best choice of word there! Blush

MushroomSoup · 04/01/2013 21:04

Good grief.

tribpot · 04/01/2013 21:09

Oeufs Shock :)

A life lesson for you (and indeed all of us) OP - there is literally nothing that excuses trying to crack one off during a first kiss. Possibly unless you were Samantha from Sex and the City but I think she would probably skip the kissing and go straight to the wanking.

Original poster
ilovetodancethenightaway · 04/01/2013 21:09

Attila, I completely agree... and these are all the things I really needed to hear. Thank you.

I dumped him for walking out of my house after a disagreement and slamming the door so hard the neighbors text me to ask if I was OK.

It should have never got to two months, but at least I only wasted a small amount of my life on him and got away quickly. I knew all these red flags as soon as the appeared but have to ask why I kept on seeing such a prick.

This has been such a wake up call am going to get his phone numbers blocked from my mobile and land line, just in case.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/01/2013 21:12

Just in case of what ?

You sleep-dial them ? You fancy watching him have a wank in your car ? You want to make a complete tit of yourself ? You want to keep this thread going just a teeny bit longer ?

Get a fucking hobby.

NotOnTheBeach · 04/01/2013 21:12

Well, that is a full slalom course of big red flags.

Well done for getting rid of him in the first place and for looking out for yourself enough to hesitate and ask advice before dredging him up again.

Sorry you had a bad time in childhood, this might be a good time to invest in some counselling and look after yourself, and build the future you deserve..

Good luck!

TheBOF · 04/01/2013 21:15

Give Shiney his number. She's the only person I can think of that would go out with that much of a twat.

EleanorCuntBucket · 04/01/2013 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tzella · 04/01/2013 21:16

Teehee I laughed out loud at the first red flag Grin Assumed it would be something flaggy-but-innocuous like 'zoned out when I was talking' but wanking! Grin

Bless you OP

GColdtimer · 04/01/2013 21:17

Teeny bit aggressive there AF?

Original poster
ilovetodancethenightaway · 04/01/2013 21:18

AF...

Just in case of what ?

You sleep-dial them ? You fancy watching him have a wank in your car ? You want to make a complete tit of yourself ? You want to keep this thread going just a teeny bit longer ?

In case he tries to call me. Thought that was the obvious reason for having a number blocked. If you don't like the thread you don't have to keep reading it.

OP posts:
dippyDoohdah · 04/01/2013 21:19

I, he sounds spookily like someone I went out with in the past! variations but parts of yr post just resonate...and he just got worse and worse.the wanking bit just screams that its all about him getting off and your perspective is irrelevant, this are your feelings, views etc.it would just get worse.Bollocks to good looks etc and I doubt you do really share the same outlook, as I suspect he will turn out to be..already is..a rather inadequate psycho.run for the hills and never doubt yourself!

AnyFucker · 04/01/2013 21:20

You think he will try to call you again ?

Nah, he has found some other mush to watch him wank in cars.