Tempted to go back to ex dp... tell me what you think of these red flags!

[ilovetodancethenightaway]

Nc as think a few may know me here in rl.

Met ex dp in Sept, ended it (via text!) in Nov. All in all we were together for a couple of months. We spent quite a bit of time together in these couple of months, including a holiday. There were mini red flags right from the start, although I brushed these under the carpet (I think so he could live up to the perfect man fantasy bubble I had him in!).

I am getting more and more tempted to get in contact with him again. I know he would take me back in a shot, and I am questioning whether I was over reacting to the red flags that put me off him in the first place. Here they are... please either talk me out of getting back in contact, or tell me I was being an idiot for dumping him.

During our first 'proper' kiss (in the car) he got his dick out and started wanking.

During sex on a couple of occasions he 'patted' my fanjo like in porn films!!. boak!!

One night during drunken sex out of the blue put porn on the TV

Once when I was sorting out some washing he told me to hurry up and said 'I want some you time'.... cringe!!

Before my Birthday made lots of noises about taking me to Edinburgh for the night, we ended up staying at his. He cooked but with not a lot of effort. He said after I had said I didn't want to go away for the night, but I swear I had not!

Was always asking for a neck rub (which he called a 'tickley neck') but never gave one in return.

Was tight with money...took me out for lunch then let me pay when I offered first (I was just trying to be polite!)

Was a St Johns volunteer so had a Paramedics look a like uniform...kept offering to put it on for me (jokingly, but still annoying). Made me cringe as my ex dp was a Fireman so no shortage of uniforms in my past, haha!!

Could only stay hard during sex if I told him stories of me being fucked by other men. Never came inside me, always finished himself off. Often told me to play with myself during sex whilst he wanked himself.

Was once embarrasingly rude to a cashier for not offering a plastic bag to pack shopping in to straight away. I could have died!

He is 39 and has never lived with anyone, never been married and no dc's.

Good things:

Good looking, good job, funny, could be very caring and considerate, good company, we had a 'connection'... which I think is why I am finding it hard to let go. Same hopes and dreams, lots in common. We got on like the best of friends. He is only the second man in my life I have had the 'connection' with sad

Help!!

How/where did you meet this weirdo man OP?

P.s I don't mind a bit of fanjo patting if its done by the right person in the right context

Ooh dear.

So less of a pat and more of a brisk slapping, like you'd do to a horse's neck after a clear round?

Tres alluring!

Ooh, it's tawse. I don't know how you pat a fanjo, either, but maybe you should learn because all that birthday-candle waving you do can't be very effective.

I'm just reading the OP again and laughing.

Could you imagine, first kiss in the car - the excitement starts to build - the shyness dissipates - then suddenly BAM out comes Mr. Sausage - large as life and twice as natural

and ewwwwww at the same time

masturbating like a gibbon during a tender first kiss

Do not, people, need first aid at some big public event.
Bleed to death, carry on suffocating, anything to keep this creep at arms length.

Look at the back of your head. Does it have a zip?

God I have laughed SO much at this thread. Have nothing to add.

Actually in tears with laughter.

spero, I didn't say post on threads to take the piss

I said post threads

there is a subtle difference

also "take piss" can mean to otherwise get people all frothed up about stuff, and argue between themselves

that's never happened on here before, has it ?

He sounds like a keeper to me, what's not to like?
An immature knobber with a cuckolding fetish and a porn habit - perfection in male form.

Or not.

Clear round?? [sputter] [snort]

Nothing constructive to add other than you are well rid OP.

However, PMSL at check the back of your head. Does it have a zip?! Definitely filing that one away for future use!

What the hell is this patting of the fanjo thing? Can someone explain?

Dunno, but when you google it you're asked if you mean 'banjo fitting'.

Op, I'm hoping that you too can see the funny side of all this. Why not come and check out the Stately Homes thread?

Counselling would be a great idea, but mumsnet is a fab back up too.

Fanjo patting.... (can't believe I'm doing this).... it's one of those weird things that only appears in porno films when your man starts rapidly whacking/flicking the area - presented either bum in air or hams akimbo - rather as a movie junkie whacks his forearm to get the veins up prior to inserting a needle. Purpose a pinker, plumper fanjo???

It's meant to turn a woman into a wild, multi dick-gobbling vixen who can't get enough of any ole inadequate in possession of one

Y'know, along the lines of how we women love to get spunked all over our faces. And watch them wank themselves off in cars.

Men who use a lot of porn have all sorts of idiotic ideas about what women like. This is one of the reasons why they need to be avoided like the fucking plague.

anybody for a spot of Monopoly ?

Bleurgh at multi dick gobbling.

I had an X who was (is?) a porn addict. He had a huge collection (sadly, he didn't have a huge dick) and was a bit surprised by actual pubic hair.

Steady on everyone,

OP - run like the wind - Reader, I married him (serious lack of self esteem ) You are wiser; you have picked up on this fuckwiterry now and not 2 kids down the line (but i love my kids). Please dump now

So is it basically someone patting your fanny during sex like masturbating but like slapping rather than rubbing? (cant believe im asking) lol

I had to reread the first part of this post to check I wasn't seeing things. That is so gross and disgusting I am open-mouthed with shock.

Like a slapping on aftershave motion.

Sexeh!!!!

Aftershave motion lotion? That's stingy I prefer the show jumpers.

oh right :/

I obviously haven't watched enough porn films to know what it is, but I know I don't want my personal ladygarden of Eden slapped around like some blokes jowly chops with a handful of Old Spice!

(I wept with laughter at 'masturbating like a gibbon', too)