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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh Gawd.....dating dilemma or red flag or what??

59 replies

Redflagcatcher · 03/01/2013 23:31

Hi
I'm a regular, single mum, been on and off here for years. Out of a marriage of cheating ex.
Anyhooo just out of a casual relationship (my choice) as he had some mental health issues and red flags so quite proud of myself at the mo. Feeling happy and settled with my dcs.
An aquaintence (best friends friend) of 12 odd years has become single again and although we've both fancied each other for years never been single at the same time until now. A few xmas parties later and we've emailed a few times and enjoying getting to know each other more. He asked to see me and I've told him I'm (child) free weekend of 12th and 13th of jan and maybe we could catch up then. Expected a kind of date perhaps but he sent an email with various chat in it and included this paragraph........
"So what do you want to do 12/13th? I'd really love to come and see your area and have a weekend away but seems a bit cheeky asking and also means you don't get a break. So if you fancy getting away for a bit I'm happy to have a look on line and find somewhere to stay (eg I've always wanted see the wash for example)"
He's been very polite, respectful of my space (took a while to finally finish last relationship), I know his background etc. no red flags as far as I can see/know.

I've hesitated to reply to the e mail as I'm not sure what to say!! I'm very interested in him but have said I don't want to rush into anything (in general terms, wasn't talking about him and me). I'm just not sure how to read it. I would like to spend time with him that weekend......but not the whole weekend!!!!! not yet!!!! It appears he wants a dirty weekend away with me......but this just doesn't fit with what he normally presents as....(shy, polite, respectful). I don't want to embarrass him or me by saying 'no bloody way' and turn out he wasn't thinking along those lines.....we have very close mutual friends, so wondering if I'm influenced by this....any advice on how to answer this?? Is it screaming red flag?!

OP posts:
tzella · 03/01/2013 23:39

I guess that as you already known each other for a long time then the relationship is a bit further along, in friendship terms, than if it was a date with a stranger. This might explain his suggestion to go away as you're both comfortable with each other already. But as he's not exactly clear on the sleeping arrangements then you should remind him it's a First Date and suggest dinner and drinks as something more appropriate.

Original poster
Redflagcatcher · 03/01/2013 23:47

Thanks tzella, I guess it is a first date, but hasn't really been talked about as such. I just mentioned it would be good to hang out more.
Maybe I should say something a long the lines of...."is this date then?"..... God, I'm so embarrassed, it's weird territory from friend to date..... Blush
Don't want to mess up so feel there's a bit of pressure as if it doesn't work out we'll still see each other socially.....

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 03/01/2013 23:48

That is really inappropriate.

I would be instantly put off by that.

I'm not so sure you should be worried about offending/embarrassing him, he clearly doesn't take the same care and attention for you and maybe he isn't what you thought him to be.........that email certainly suggests so !

You are uncomfortable. And rightly so. I would just simply state that to him (Your email has made me feel uncomfortable with what is the expectation for our first date) and leave it at that.

Althoughhhhhhhhh, just reading your OP again.......he doesn't mean that he will stay over on his own in the Wash does he???? How far is the Wash from your house???

Original poster
Redflagcatcher · 03/01/2013 23:51

McMoon.....I know!!! That was my first reaction too!! I was a bit out off he would be so presumptuous.....so I didn't respond....it just didn't fit with the way he is in rl.....I thought he might mean staying there on his own, but he does mention if "you fancy a break", the wash is about and hour or more away from me, so possible to not stay the night iykwim......don't know what to think (feel bloody 16)

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 03/01/2013 23:55

Yeah, you need to clarify what he means - it could be read either way actually.

If it is the creepy one then ewwwww
Otherwise, he might be a nice one.

You'll have to bite the bullet and send one back asking what he means.........either way, at least you'll know - there are only 2 options and you probably know how you'll feel about both.........clarification email required immediately !

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit · 03/01/2013 23:55

He thinks he's in there. It would put me off him.

SwedishEdith · 03/01/2013 23:55

Oh, yes, re-reading his message does look like he could be suggesting he finds somewhere to stay on his own.

Fairenuff · 03/01/2013 23:57

Why don't you just reply something like, I'm free on Saturday if that's any good, and see what he says?

< helpful >

SwedishEdith · 03/01/2013 23:58

Give him a chance to explain - he might be horrified you're reading dirty weekend into it Just be direct

CointreauVersial · 03/01/2013 23:59

If it was a female friend you wouldn't think twice about inviting them for the weekend.

I don't see any red flags, although it is probably a bit of a clumsily-worded request for a date. It doesn't necessarily mean he's gearing up for a weekend of wild sex, he probably just wants to spend more time with you.

Go for it, invite him over, just establish the ground rules ("friends, ok?") from the off, then there's no confusion. Make sure he knows the spare bed/sofa has his name on it.

And you never know.....!Wink

Original poster
Redflagcatcher · 04/01/2013 00:03

Ok, I've been putting it off but I'm going to e mail back asking what he means. I just didn't know what to think!! I'm a bit on red alert so thought I might be jumping to conclusions, so thanks for the advice, its sooooo good to get others thoughts!! I'm hoping he's a bit over keen and miss judged the situation... He'll be asleep by now so should get a response tomorrow.......

OP posts:
Welovecouscous · 04/01/2013 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Redflagcatcher · 04/01/2013 00:07

Contreau...Oh he's defo not the sort to request a weekend of wild sex... not yet anyway!! ;-) Thats why it's thrown me. Completely out of character of what he is like in real life.!! I thought about inviting him to mine, and saying "I have a spare room" but honestly I think I want to play it by ear, what if we spend the whole of Saturday together and he's hoping snogs at midnight and I'm thinking I wanna run for the hills!!! Gahhhhhh!

OP posts:
Original poster
Redflagcatcher · 04/01/2013 00:10

Welo... I thought that and checked my e mail to him and I said "I'm free the weekend of 12 th and 13th and so maybe we could meet up at some point over that weekend" I honestly thought he would say "lovely, why don't we meet for lunch and a coffee on Saturday" or something.......not the whole flipping weekend shagging

OP posts:
SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit · 04/01/2013 00:10

Suggest he tells you which hotel he's booked and you'll find somewhere nearby

Original poster
Redflagcatcher · 04/01/2013 00:17

That's a good idea somekind but I can't afford it! That's the other thing.....I skint single mum and he's loaded better off, so probably thinks nothing of weekends away.....

OP posts:
JulietteMontague · 04/01/2013 00:17

He is usually respectful so unless he has a very entitled hidden side I think he has taken your I'm free 12/13th weekend to mean you would be up for doing something that weekend, literally

He is possibly being respectful of you saying he doesn't want to pressure you with extra work by staying at yours on your DC free weekend.

He is therefore asking if you would like to go somewhere that weekend.

You know him, you've been friends for a while, what do you want? Work this out, tell him what you 'were' thinking (Saturday daytime for example) then have a chat with him about what you both fancy doing.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/01/2013 00:18

I think that he was suggesting he visit you and stay at your house - very possibly just in a 'friend' capacity, and him saying 'I'm happy to find somewhere to stay' within a radius is him showing that he isn't being presumptive.

Maybe you should e-mail back and say 'yes great why don't you stay near X and then I can come over and we'll have lunch and do something in the afternoon'.

If he was being cheeky, then it gives him a chance to backtrack if he is a decent bloke and had read things wrong. If he goes silent or gets sulky then he is an arse who was hoping for a quick shag.
If he meant what I think he does, then all is well and you've not embarrassed yourself or him with questions.

JulietteMontague · 04/01/2013 00:20

Ah, just seen your 'at some point' post. In that case if you are not sure about his intentions I would just reply with 'I was thinking Saturday for lunch' or whatever. You will know by his response whether it was a genuine mistake or he is at it.

Original poster
Redflagcatcher · 04/01/2013 00:22

Ok, great advice ladies, thank you :-) I've been really getting het up!!

I've replied to his email and answered a few questions etc.......how's this?

"Sooo 12th and 13th weekend.....I thought we could meet up on Saturday and go for lunch/beach or something, see how it goes? What do you think? Don't want to rush in but would like to spend time with you :-) "

Is that a bit presumptuous that I think he means shag and I mean lunch......??

OP posts:
DrRanj · 04/01/2013 00:25

No not a red flag, seems rather sweet to me. Just say you'd prefer not to go away and you'd rather do something local. Really not a big deal.

JulietteMontague · 04/01/2013 00:27

That's fine. He could misconstrue 'see how it goes' but when you're face to face it'll be nice and easy Smile

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 04/01/2013 00:27

I think it's possible that he is a nice bloke but not sure of himself and that you are perhaps both being a little too polite and unclear of your intentions. If he'd said 'Hey Redflag, I can come over for a coffee on the Saturday' do you think you might have gone 'Huh, only a coffee, he's obviously not that bothered?'

Original poster
Redflagcatcher · 04/01/2013 00:28

Thanks dr......he is very sweet....sometimes the sweetest ones can fool you though not bitter

OP posts:
wannaBe · 04/01/2013 00:32

how far away does he live?

Lunch is fine if he's only an hour down the road, but if on the other side of the country then it would be a bit off to just suggest lunch iyswim? The fact he feels the need to stay does seem to suggest he lives to far to just pop over for coffee...