Oh Gawd.....dating dilemma or red flag or what??

[Redflagcatcher]

Hi
I'm a regular, single mum, been on and off here for years. Out of a marriage of cheating ex.
Anyhooo just out of a casual relationship (my choice) as he had some mental health issues and red flags so quite proud of myself at the mo. Feeling happy and settled with my dcs.
An aquaintence (best friends friend) of 12 odd years has become single again and although we've both fancied each other for years never been single at the same time until now. A few xmas parties later and we've emailed a few times and enjoying getting to know each other more. He asked to see me and I've told him I'm (child) free weekend of 12th and 13th of jan and maybe we could catch up then. Expected a kind of date perhaps but he sent an email with various chat in it and included this paragraph........
"So what do you want to do 12/13th? I'd really love to come and see your area and have a weekend away but seems a bit cheeky asking and also means you don't get a break. So if you fancy getting away for a bit I'm happy to have a look on line and find somewhere to stay (eg I've always wanted see the wash for example)"
He's been very polite, respectful of my space (took a while to finally finish last relationship), I know his background etc. no red flags as far as I can see/know.

I've hesitated to reply to the e mail as I'm not sure what to say!! I'm very interested in him but have said I don't want to rush into anything (in general terms, wasn't talking about him and me). I'm just not sure how to read it. I would like to spend time with him that weekend......but not the whole weekend!!!!! not yet!!!! It appears he wants a dirty weekend away with me......but this just doesn't fit with what he normally presents as....(shy, polite, respectful). I don't want to embarrass him or me by saying 'no bloody way' and turn out he wasn't thinking along those lines.....we have very close mutual friends, so wondering if I'm influenced by this....any advice on how to answer this?? Is it screaming red flag?!

Hes hinting for you to invite you to stay at yours. Strongly hinting. You are right that the sweet innocent ones are often the worst. If you do like him, why not be direct and simply email back that you'd love to see him, but perhaps an afternoon hill walking/dinner/coffee and cakes might be more relaxing for a first date?

Solid..... You're probably right, I might have thought that, I thought I was quite clear but I guessed I may have underestimated how keen he is...I'm hoping he is thinking "this is what she expects....to be whisked away" or some such nonsense......it's taken me completely by surprise!!!
Juliette, I thought the "see how it goes" was incase things went swimmingly and I end up shagging him all weekend but I'm determined to not rush in.......

Wannabe......he lives about 3 hours away, so yes, reasonable that he would want the whole weekend away. I could however get the train to his patch in an hour and a half but can't really afford it and promised myself I wouldn't spend money I haven't got because I fancy someone. It's more reasonable he makes the effort really considering our positions financially.
Less....I know the sweet ones, but he hasn't got any red flags around and is emotionally/mentally stable (or has been for 12 years)....but you can never really tell.

I bet you end up 'seeing how it goes'
I think you are a bit over alert to the red flags here tbh, you do know him - relax!

OK, send him details of nearby B&Bs and say that your house is a bit small and messy for guests (unless he knows you live in a Lovely Home).

Ok I know it sounds a bit wishy washy......which I am not at all usually btw.....I went with the honest answer and asked for more info........I included this in my email.....

" Sooooo 12th and 13th weekend.... I don't mind what we do! Depends on what you had in mind?! Your idea about coming up to norfolk is cool, i would rather get out of my town though so north norfolk is lovely. Its 2hours or more from here though?? Equally I'm happy to come to London. We could meet up on Saturday? Tell me your thoughts?!!! Feeling a bit nervous!! :-/ "

I actually blushed as I wrote it......good god.

Shit, It feels like I have practically made it unmistakable who I am now......(stupid irrational thinking at 1am).....

haven't a clue, I had similar paranoid delusions as I merrily googled a prospective love interest at at similar hour last night!
would it be sooo awful if you shagged? (devil's advocate)

btw your email is still unclear about the sleeping arrangments! You both sound in an absolute tizz bless you

Hahahaha!! Donna......hmmmm I mean wouldn't be so bad in its self.....and something I have rushed into in the past, but I'm a bit emotionally battered and feeling fat after xmas and really don't want to sleep with him too soon. It complicates things (or can do) as lust can blindside not so lovely things/red flags (god I am paranoid). I really want to take it slowly and see if I actually think there's a chance for us to work. As we have close mutual friends its a bit risky to shag and then possibly dump as there's usually one who's keener than the other and gets hurt!!

I absolutely am in a tizz!!! I'm 41 ffs.

I'm hoping he'll clear up the sleeping arrangements bit!! He threw the ball, it's in his court....kind of thinking.....hoping!!!!

In suggesting that you're willing to decamp from Norfolk to London on a Saturday, it seems to me that you've put the sleeping arrangements into question as that's not an easy journey to do if you were hoping for an evening out, is it?

If you meet him in the morning and you hit it off do you really want to be committed to getting the last train home at c8pm? Also, London is no place to be if you're skint. It's full of temptation and, although he's loaded, you sound as if you'd feel obliged to at least pick up the bill for a drinky poo coffee or 2 which, given the prices in the capital, can be positively ruinous for a gal on a tight budget.

Why not send another email saying that, on second thoughts, you'd like to act as his tour guide and show him some of the delights of your part of the world (you do have some, don't you?).

Add that a certain pub/restuarant is one you've always wanted to visit (if you can't think of one frantically ring friends for suitable recommendations) and you'd be happy to make a booking for dinner in the evening.

Say that you're equally happy to book him into

I'm still laughing at the Wash tbh. Why?!!

Nothing like a new bloke to turn you into a bumbling idiot

You have known him forever, try not to worry about it, it will all work out - it's not like you've agreed to meet some random off the internet for a weekend away

Are you the voice of experience, Chipping

Me of course not

Liar liar pants are on fire

(I had met him once before the weekend away, but we were living in different (European) countries so 'dinner dates' were out - meeting 'in the middle' was much more fun far more practical)

I take it that it was a 'meeting in the middle' in the carnal true sense of the words, Chipping?

Bully for you - diplomatic accord is where it's at. I'm guessing you met in The Hague

Izzy you're exactly right, I do want to keep it light and fun as that is exactly what I'm thinking at this stage.....although I'm freaking out like a loony finding it difficult not to question his motives....I don't want to come across as taking it all very seriously as that's not what I'm like or maybe I am
Bad dog.....I know!! Just mud....London boys eh?
Chipping.....hahaha! I feel a bit like its a new random guy in some ways though as its not how we've been in the past!! Did it work out?!
Anyway I sent that shit fluffy email last night, have been sorely tempted to waffle out another but I'm going to sound bonkers like I'm taking it all too seriously!! Ffs bangs head on wall

Redflag I am loving your thread

Resist the temptation to e-mail or anything else, let him make the next communication.

Well.......thanks ladies!!!!! Bit of an update!!! Eek!!!
He's emailed back this morning, even though he's really busy :-D
He basically sent a really lovely email back and kinda poured out his future thoughts, where he sees himself heading (isnt sure right now) how much he likes me and also realises I'm not probably in a great place to start a new relationship as I've recently finished one......he said he wants to spend more time with me, get to know each other better and does not want to make me feel nervous in anyway. He thought he would book the hotel so we can drink if we wanted. He wants to go with the flow but also be cautious as doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable and knows I am cautious of getting hurt (again).
Ohhhhh Gawd, he sounds soooooo lovely. I'm in the too good to be f ing true camp now.

Anyway if it all goes really well and he's not a nutter.......there's always the kids to put him off!!!

I Was friends with my DP for three years before we started going out together.

before we started being a couple, he invited himslef over to mine for the weekend just to hang out. I didn't miscontrue it to mean a weekend of shagging, don't think he did either.

He slept on the sofa and didn't make a move on me once. He did this three or four more times before he got the courage up to ask me out

Oh, that's lovely :)

Did it work out? - well, I guess that depends on your definition of 'working out'. The 'weekend' turned into 10 days and that turned into a brilliant 18 months, 16 living together (long story, but I was due to move back to the UK 2 months after we met anyway) and I don't regret any of it. So it didn't work out 'long term' but that's OK (no kids involved either) and we are still friendly - if not really friends. So - all good.

Oh my OP - sounds like you've got a good one there! He's bothered to try to read through your email to see the underlying meanings & worked it out first go what your concerns are. He's then addressed those concerns in what seems to be a thoughtful & considerate manner.

Red flag Alert! He sounds a bit too good to be true (just joking, jealous really)