no sex for over nearly 3 years

[ohjo]

My husband and i love each other very much. We kiss (not snog though, and hug and cuddle . However we had a very rough patch 2 years ago and nearly separated. We have survived that and are almost back to normal. But since then he has not wanted sex. He works very hard, stressful job, travels a lot, is a very focused guy, but is a committed husband and wonderful father. The lack of intimacy is the only downside. He does not miss it or want it, and promises not to be having an affair, which i believe. Does anyone have any tips as to how i can interest him again? He is 46, pretty fit, doesnt drink too much or smoke. I am 40 with a good figure and can't understand it. It is eating away at me. I certainly don't want an affair, but can't accept the fact that my sex life is over! Is sex as important as we are lead to believe? Is this situation totally abnormal? How can i get it going again? Any advice is most welcome....

[AlienReflux]

If it's medical, he needs to seek help. it's absolutely no excuse for treating you in this despicable way, TBH every time you post he sounds more of a bastard.

[TigerFeet]

It may well be medical. He may well have a combination of lack of libido and erectile dysfunction. That's clearly not his fault. However, the alarm bells are ringing loudly for me due to his reaction to it. He's happy with the status quo so the OP should just stfu and accept it regardless of her own wants and needs.

THe more you describe him, OP, the more vile he sounds. If I were you I'd be seriously considering your position, and I would be telling him that as well. This isn't just about lack of sex, it's about his reaction to something that's causing you distress and upset. It could be anythign really.

[ohjo]

Yes that makes sense, lack of libido and erectile dysfunction. You are right also about me being weak, and indecisive. He is back tomorrow after just 2 weeks away so if there is no change after our last conversation when he said he would 'try', i will ask him again to go to the doctor. He is convinced there is nothing wrong with him at all.
Having been to a councillor last year for a few months, which was expensive and upsetting, i can't tell you how helpful you have all been, thank you, thank you. I feel a lot stronger and more able to face what's ahead with you all behind me. I will keep you posted! xx

[Orchidlady]

ohjo trouble is you really wish they would take it upon themselves to sort this and not because we have nagged them into it.

[Orchidlady]

AND I made the appointment for GP because he asked me to. At a later date he accused me of being a control freak and forcing him into doing something he did not want to do

[Darkesteyes]

It makes me so angry when they shift the blame for this kind of problem back to their partner.
This is why so few women speak up about this. It really is a silent epidemic.

[Darkesteyes]

I put this on another thread but i think it has some points relevant to this one too.


I post on the Guardian website as newb. It is an article about Grazia rather than specifically about Daisy Lowe.
Which has reminded me of something. I posted on their Life and Style section last year under an article about sexless marriages. (husbands choice not mine) I got a lot of support but i also got badly trolled by another commenter who i suspect was male. I dont think this would have happened had i been posting as a man about his wife.
A lot of society dont like certain myths challenged. The myth that men are always up for it was being challenged and some people are threatened by that.
It makes it very hard for women in my situation to speak out. Its just a way of silencing us. But i wont be silenced any more.

[Abitwobblynow]

Tigerfeet that was just an awesome post. For me (what do you think, Dark?) this is IT:

He may well have a combination of lack of libido and erectile dysfunction. That's clearly not his fault. However, the alarm bells are ringing loudly for me due to his reaction to it. He's happy with the status quo so the OP should just stfu and accept it regardless of her own wants and needs.

THe more you describe him, OP, the more vile he sounds. If I were you I'd be seriously considering your position, and I would be telling him that as well. This isn't just about lack of sex, it's about his reaction to something that's causing you distress and upset. It could be anythign really.

in a nutshell, nothing more to add really . Thanks Tiger for describing my situation in a few short sentences

[badinage]

I really think all this talk about 'getting him to see a doctor' is a complete diversion from the real problem.

Cruel, manipulative, selfish and entitled tossers have health problems just like anyone else. No 'doctor' can cure the first 4 things though.

Even if this bloke is diagnosed with erectile dysfunction, that won't cure the fact that he's a nasty piece of work who treats his wife like a housekeeper, a childminder and a decorative ornament.

[Darkesteyes]

Abitwobbly is right. Tigerfeet you have hit the nail on the head in a few short sentences. Part of a relationship is to be loved and cherished and when we question why that isnt happening they treat us like we are abnormal.

[TigerFeet]

:)
I hope you all get the outcome you deserve x

[LylaLils]

Maybe he has erectile dysfunction?

[LylaLils]

Sorry, didn't read the full thread.

[thedaysrunaway]

Hi ohjo - just read through your very interesting thread. I’m in the same boat, not have had sex with my wife for nearly three years. How did everything work out for you in the end?