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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

no sex for over nearly 3 years

139 replies

ohjo · 02/01/2013 23:11

My husband and i love each other very much. We kiss (not snog though, and hug and cuddle . However we had a very rough patch 2 years ago and nearly separated. We have survived that and are almost back to normal. But since then he has not wanted sex. He works very hard, stressful job, travels a lot, is a very focused guy, but is a committed husband and wonderful father. The lack of intimacy is the only downside. He does not miss it or want it, and promises not to be having an affair, which i believe. Does anyone have any tips as to how i can interest him again? He is 46, pretty fit, doesnt drink too much or smoke. I am 40 with a good figure and can't understand it. It is eating away at me. I certainly don't want an affair, but can't accept the fact that my sex life is over! Is sex as important as we are lead to believe? Is this situation totally abnormal? How can i get it going again? Any advice is most welcome....

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 02/01/2013 23:56

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Darkesteyes · 02/01/2013 23:57

You want to "tempt him back" IF he is getting him elsewhere. Bloody hell this piece of work really has done a number on your self esteem hasnt he.

Darkesteyes · 02/01/2013 23:58

AF i was just thinking the same thing as i typed my last post. Hope its not a certain forum on one of their "raids" again.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2013 00:00

Wake up and smell the coffee. How likely is it he has the energy for 15 mile runs but is too exhausted for sex? And if he's getting is somewhere else, keep your dignity & have the self-respect to reject him rather than grovelling to get him back

You have to challenge him. Whatever it is he's doing, it really isn't love. It's cruel.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2013 00:01

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perceptionInaPearTree · 03/01/2013 00:06

'is it possible physically for a man to be so exhausted that he doesn't want sex?'

No. Not in my experience. And certainly not for 3 years. Also agree with AnyFucker - this is not to do with how you look. I think your h has made you feel this is your fault. Very unfair.

Original poster
ohjo · 03/01/2013 00:09

Yes he has said that i am an "exceptional wife" which i didn't know what to think of, possibly quite arrogant. I do think you are right about the emotional abuse as he is a very strong character. However we live in a beautiful house, a good school for the kids, he is materialistic, he has some money and endless promises of more. He has a pretty wife - me. I know he loves me, (as a sister) I have a good life. Is it worth leaving all this for sex?

OP posts:
lockets · 03/01/2013 00:11

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Cheddars · 03/01/2013 00:11

What does he say about why he doesn't want sex? Have you told him how you feel?

Original poster
ohjo · 03/01/2013 00:13

Thank you everyone, very much. And its not a wind up. I really needed some advice, and now i feel stronger to go ahead. He is travelling again next week so that gives me a few days. i hope i can do it! Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
ohjo · 03/01/2013 00:14

He says he doesnt fancy me anymore

OP posts:
fuckadoodlepoopoo · 03/01/2013 00:14

Its very little to do with how attractive you are. My dh stills wants sex with me all the time and I've put on weight and gone all wobbly.

It must be hard not to focus on your physical appearance because you are looking for a reason but i think you are off track there.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 03/01/2013 00:15

He actually says that! How hurtful! Poor you. He doesn't sound kind.

perceptionInaPearTree · 03/01/2013 00:15

As far as I'm concerned a sexless marriage lasts until one or both people find someone they do want to have sex with. At which point the marriage falls apart.

perceptionInaPearTree · 03/01/2013 00:18

ohjo - have you looked at his phone? His phone bills? You need to open your mind to the reality that all may not be as it seems.

Personally I would not want to stay in any marriage just for money and a nice house if I had a husband who didn't care about how I feel.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2013 00:23

He doesn't fancy you but you're an 'exceptional wife' so you're being kept as what... a fancy pet? Staff? A trophy? He's a horribly cruel man. You gave in far too easily at the last rough patch and now he's treating you with very heartless contempt.

Life is far too short to spend it with someone who makes you feel anything other than wonderful... in every regard.

Original poster
ohjo · 03/01/2013 00:28

Yes i do need to open my mind, and i do agree with the above

is this love - i have a boob scare and need a scan a few weeks ago, he cut short the business trip and spent 3 days hard travel to make it back in time from abroad and during all the floods here. I really felt convinced that he loved me then. I still expect him to forget whatever is in his head and suddenly make love to me.
His phone has 1000's of numbers from all over the world, i will try and have a look to see any pattern. The company pays all the bills.

OP posts:
MushyPeace · 03/01/2013 00:32

Some people just don't want sex. Ever.

That's another view for you OP

perceptionInaPearTree · 03/01/2013 00:34

That's true MP - but if he was asexual now would that not have been the case from when he was first with the OP? She said that they had great sex in the past.

Anna1976 · 03/01/2013 00:35

ohjo - I'm definitely not being an apologist for your husband, since it sounds like he is used to getting his own way (as well as though he probably does want to keep the relationship going).

However - have a look at my post about mixed messages in Relatinoships - it might provide some insight (or it might not). I don't know how to solve being utterly turned off sex... and there's nothing "medically" wrong with me, it's a psychological thing that I don't really know how to deal with, except in theory. I can apply CBT techniques - but they're not really working.

MushyPeace · 03/01/2013 00:37

Some people just go off sex and that can be forever or it can be for 10years.

Darkesteyes · 03/01/2013 00:39

Not necessarily perception. After all a lot of gay men married to women start off by having sex with their wives and hiding their true sexuality. Why wouldnt the same be true of asexuals.
It seems to be hard for a lot of people to wrap their head around the fact that asexuality IS another sexuality. And i speak as a woman in a sexless marriage myself and not the asexual one.

perceptionInaPearTree · 03/01/2013 00:42

I see - people are complex after all I guess. So a number of things could be going on here, but the main problem is that the OP's husband refuses to engage with her about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/01/2013 00:45

"is this love - i have a boob scare and need a scan a few weeks ago, he cut short the business trip and spent 3 days hard travel to make it back in time from abroad and during all the floods here."

It's 'doing the right thing' and that's quite different to love. I think he sees himself as responsible for your physical and material well-being, he probably thinks you're a nice person, but he has opted out of your emotional well-being and that's not a marriage.

Angelfootprints · 03/01/2013 00:49

Do you know if he looks at porn at all?