no sex for over nearly 3 years

[ohjo]

My husband and i love each other very much. We kiss (not snog though, and hug and cuddle . However we had a very rough patch 2 years ago and nearly separated. We have survived that and are almost back to normal. But since then he has not wanted sex. He works very hard, stressful job, travels a lot, is a very focused guy, but is a committed husband and wonderful father. The lack of intimacy is the only downside. He does not miss it or want it, and promises not to be having an affair, which i believe. Does anyone have any tips as to how i can interest him again? He is 46, pretty fit, doesnt drink too much or smoke. I am 40 with a good figure and can't understand it. It is eating away at me. I certainly don't want an affair, but can't accept the fact that my sex life is over! Is sex as important as we are lead to believe? Is this situation totally abnormal? How can i get it going again? Any advice is most welcome....

Cognitos explanation there is a good one. It is doing the right thing. But it is no more than you would do for a friend/relative/parent/pet.

Flip it on its head OP

Let's say that something your H considers essential to a fulfilling relationship is suddenly withheld from him. I don't know the dynamic of your marriage but lets suppose you one day decide that you are no longer going to talk to him other than to cover perfunctory essentials.

Now imagine him trying to engage you in conversation and you politely refusing. Ignoring him. Turning away when he tries to engage you on a conversation. He now begins to suspect that you have new friends, so interesting and stimulating that you have no need to talk to him any more. It eats away at him, but you refuse to discuss offer am explanation.

Finally, after three years of this cold treatment, he really pushes for an answer and you tell him you don't want to talk to him any more because he bores you.

Cruel, no?

Putting aside the possibility of third party involvement, can you imagine withholding something so essential to a happy marriage with nothing more than a spiteful jibe to justify it?

Your H is selfish and you deserve better. Please consider making your needs - not just sex, but respect and kindness - a priority.

How do you think he would react if you told him that you were fed up of living without sex and were therefore going to seek out other men to have sex with?

You may not want to have sex with other men, but how you think he would react to the suggeestion will tell you something about how he sees the marriage. Do you think he will agree to counselling if you having other sexual partners is the alternative? Will he get angry, threaten to throw you out without a penny and keep the children? Or will he say, 'Actually, that's OK with me as long as you're discreet about it.'?

It sounds like he wants a 'wife' to provide domestic service, raise the children and also give him the status of HappilyMarriedMan, but he's not bothered about your feelings or your psychological wellbeing. To him, you're not a real person, you're a 'woman'.

There's a number of options to choose from:

He's gay
He's got a low libido - with a possible underlying medical cause that could be resolved
He's getting it elsewhere

And, fwiw, my money's on him being a self-control freak and he's deliberately withholding sex because he can - and he may be doing it to punish you.

For what exactly, who knows? Maybe because you expressed your dissatisfaction with him being a workaholic or some other utterance that he took against because it upset his view of how he perceives the world.

If this is the case, all the tarting yourself up in the world and wiggling your bum like Jessica Rabbit isn't going to tempt him as he'll get off on not being tempted - and on making sure you literally won't get a rise out of his dick him.

If I'm right, you're best advised to sit him down and coolly explain that as he is unwilling to fulfil his part of the marriage contract and worship you with his body satisfy your reasonable sexual needs, you see no alternative but to take a lover.

In the same neutral and unruffled tone, assure him that this will in no way affect the smooth running of his household and, as you will of course be discreet, no gossip will attach to your joint good names and standing in the community.

Tell him your love for him is undiminished and, as he is the only man you will ever love*, he need have no fear that you'll fall head over heels for another.

Give it a couple of weeks and then start walking around with a smug smile on your face (you may need buy in a rabbit or 2 to make your chops look realistically like you're getting it somewhere the cat that's had the cream)

*I know it's pass the sick bucket stuff but needs must when you've still got an itch that needs scratching the devil drives.

Xpost with Solid

Nah....I could never do that Izzy and I don't suppose the OP wants to either. It sounds great in theory to some, but read between the lines here....

OP is hurting.

She loves her husband and doesn't want to go shagging outside of her marriage.

That's a really crap marriage to model to kids too, when both parents are out getting their jollies elsewhere and someone, somewhere, always ends up getting hurt.

I think your husband sees you as a trophy OP. Good for certain functions in life; as a mother to his kids, as a status symbol, as a housekeeper and someone who'll accept her lot, turn a blind eye to his indiscretions and not risk a messy divorce where he'd have to hide his assets.

I don't think he's gay or too tired either. I think he probably has a series of not terribly meaningful sexual dalliances and will continue to do so until he falls in love and then it'll all get very messy.....

OP don't be passive and wait for this to happen.

If he's been unfaithful (and it looks obvious that he has) then don't demean yourself by putting up with that and thinking that it's your role to make him stop. The only thing that will ever make him fancy you again is once he's lost you.

You've got to keep telling yourself that this 'marriage' isn't what you want and that if he cannot deliver, you will get out of it. He's got to believe that too.

He doesn't at the moment.

He thinks he can insult you, have sex with other women and that you'll trade having a proper marriage for baubles, trinkets and a nice house. I hope to god he's wrong.

You're spoilt for choice, ohjo, but one thing's for sure, if you do nothing you're going to carry on hurting and your feelings of sexual rejection will eat away at the very core of you.

Apropos of what badinage has said, why not simply tell him you're not willing to co-exist in a sham marriage any more and that you intend to seek a divorce?

If nothing else, his reaction may reveal how he truly feels about you.

It could be that he is getting it elsewhere as others have said. Or simply that sexual feelings towards a partner change over time. I don't know how people keep the momentum going in a long relationship. I have always found that hard. His explanation that he doesn't fancy you any more might be the simple but hurtful truth.

It is surprising me how many of you refuse to believe he isn't getting sex elsewhere. It is perfectly possible that he isn't interested in sex anymore. My ex was the same. No affairs, not gay, just low low libido. You should discuss it with him, if its a deal breaker for you then it needs to be resolved.

It is fairly common at his age for a mans testosterone level to drop. this can be hugely embarrassing and lots of men have a 'head in the sand' attitude to it.
The biggest problem I can see is your husbands unwillingness to discuss the issue or to get a medical checkup to see what is going on.

Whether he is having sex with other people or not is actually irrelevant. What matters is he is aware of his wife's unhappiness and has decided that it doesn't matter, because he is content with the way things are. This is why she needs to shake him up by pointing out that she is not going to accept the situation indefinitely, that she can choose to act independently of what he wants, and that she is not an object that can be put in its box until he feels like playing with it.

"It is fairly common at his age for a mans testosterone level to drop"

Low testosterone is more commonly linked to men who are obese, have diabetes or high blood pressure. This man is described as fit and active, running 15 miles before breakfast, etc. Low testosterone can result in erectile dysfunction affecting the libido in that regard... but it doesn't remove a man's ability to show physical affection in other ways.

I believe the celibacy he is forcing on the OP is therefore a conscious choice.

"Low testosterone is more commonly linked to men who are obese, have diabetes or high blood pressure. This man is described as fit and active, running 15 miles before breakfast, etc. Low testosterone can result in erectile dysfunction affecting the libido in that regard... but it doesn't remove a man's ability to show physical affection in other ways."

Commonly linked, yes, but not exclusively. The embarrassment felt can cause the person, rightly or wrongly, to pull away from any kind of affection. Although sorted now, I speak from experience.

I'm not saying that's the right way to behave, but it could be a reason.

How does telling your wife 'I don't fancy you' square with 'embarrassment'? Did you tell your partner that you didn't fancy them when you 'pulled away' - blame them for the problem - or did you take responsibility for yourself? Sometimes things are exactly what they seem and when a man says 'I don't fancy you' you take it on face value.

what Badinage & Izzyizzin have said

He's not tired - he does 15miles exercise at weekends!

He's controlling the OP, or getting it elsewhere, sorry but it may be true

OP - you need to stop grovelling to this man. Step it up. Be in control of your own life. You are at a very low point. Look into your options without him - most likely you would keep the house etc in the event of a split...it is bizarre unrelenting behaviour from YOUR HUSBAND! You married him, he married you, for better worse etc Stop trying to find things wrong with yourself to try and fix this when HE is the one who has stopped all emotional initimate connections with his wife

it is NOT your fault

make sure you know your rights legally etc

get checked for STD - sorry OP dont mean to be harsh but you need to get checked

how long have you been married? how old are your children?

I wish you best of luck - you clearly dont want another 3 yrs of this, start becoming the strong woman you deserve to be

or, if he does have sexual issues, did he have a harsh childhood, which could affect his sexual life in adulthood?

was there a life event 3yrs ago to have triggered his behaviour? death in family etc?

BTW... he may be horrified at the accusation of an affair but remember old Bill Clinton? A BJ in the Oval Office, to his mind, was not an affair... Some people are quite capable of minimising casual sexual encounters when it suits.

"How does telling your wife 'I don't fancy you' square with 'embarrassment'? Did you tell your partner that you didn't fancy them when you 'pulled away' - blame them for the problem - or did you take responsibility for yourself? Sometimes things are exactly what they seem and when a man says 'I don't fancy you' you take it on face value."

I think we may have to agree to disagree!! (and it wasn't me doing the pulling away). Saying 'I don't fancy you' means you don't have to face the issue. Like I say, I don't know this man, I have no idea what his issue truly is....but it doesn't mean that testosterone issues and embarrassment can't be considered. He may well be having an affair, he may just not be into OP any more, but sometimes the issues are a little more complex.

I find it a little more believable than the 'is he gay?' suggestions that were posted earlier on!! (which I realise do happen, but still would be the very last reason I would consider)

maybe it's a midlife crisis of somesort

he is handsome you say OP, he doesnt seem short of self esteem or confidence, and you mentioned he can be verbally hurtful

sounds like he is pushing you away, and the forcing of celibacy thing is really quite harsh OP

There have been some really insightful points made here; chiefly that the actual reason(s) why he's not interested in sex - he could be asexual/ gay/ having affairs/other reasons- are not really the key thing. The key thing is that you are unhappy OP and he is refusing to engage with that. You come across as both living a life which is tolerable and acceptable- you have the income, nice house, kids in good schools and you go through the motions of doing the 'right' deeds - eg him returning home when you had the breast scare. However, those things do not a true marriage make, at least not for most people. You describe yourself as like his sister. You're not his sister you're his wife!

I am all for partners being best friends- I would describe my dh as such- but there needs to be something extra too- some connection on a level which makes you more than just very compatible people who live under the same roof and co-parent. For the vast majority of couples that something extra involves intimacy and sex. I do believe it's possible in a minority of situations that couples can live happily without sex but only where there is honesty about them both not wanting it. This is a one way street in your situation.

I think you need to detach a bit from the whole 'lifestyle' aspect. The house is just a house at the end of the day. Do you want to live with someone who provides you with a nice lifestyle or do you want a real grown up relationship? A lifestyle is something you can create for yourself anyway- you don't need a handsome well off man to do it for you. It feels like this man has reduced your self esteem so much that you see yourself as little more than a trophy wife who has to work hard to try to keep looking "good enough" to be acceptable...

It sounds to me as though he's punishing you. Has that occurred to you before? Perhaps for when you objected to his behaviour before during your rough patch. He said that he then started saying cruel things.

'And, fwiw, my money's on him being a self-control freak and he's deliberately withholding sex because he can - and he may be doing it to punish you. '

Exactly what I was going to say! Hell of a coincidence that this happened when you started standing up to him

Sounds a bit like my ex. He, I now realise, had erectile problem and rather than discuss or admit to pushed me away,left our bedroom for the sofa and treated me badly so I wouldn't approach him in a loving way anymore. Turned from a lover to a hater almost and wanted to live like brother and sister.

How about changing the question to "are you getting sex elsewhere". If as you seem to believe, he is beyond lying he may find it harder to answer that as it covers casual encounters of any orientation and an affair. If he still says "no", you could follow that up with "well, do you mind if I then, because it's an important part of life?"