no sex for over nearly 3 years

[ohjo]

My husband and i love each other very much. We kiss (not snog though, and hug and cuddle . However we had a very rough patch 2 years ago and nearly separated. We have survived that and are almost back to normal. But since then he has not wanted sex. He works very hard, stressful job, travels a lot, is a very focused guy, but is a committed husband and wonderful father. The lack of intimacy is the only downside. He does not miss it or want it, and promises not to be having an affair, which i believe. Does anyone have any tips as to how i can interest him again? He is 46, pretty fit, doesnt drink too much or smoke. I am 40 with a good figure and can't understand it. It is eating away at me. I certainly don't want an affair, but can't accept the fact that my sex life is over! Is sex as important as we are lead to believe? Is this situation totally abnormal? How can i get it going again? Any advice is most welcome....

when my husband stopped having sex with me i comfort ate. Because it was the only pleasure i got out of life. I shot up to 21 stone. The comfort eating came AFTER the rejection (despite what mysogynistic lads mags say) After losing ten stone and meeting my lover i realised what i was missing out on. I asked my husband to go to counselling before the affair and he refused. My affair ended five years ago. I did go back to comfort eating but am now tackling my weight again. It was probably an alternative to drink or drugs to comfort eat instead.

This is maybe a very stupid suggestion - I started seeing someone a few years back. We enjoyed each others company etc, yet he avoided kissing me properly etc. Eventually he told me that he had an std, and he'd been avoiding getting into a situation which would force him to own up before he'd got enough courage together to tell me.

Could it be possible that during the rough patch he could have been infected with something, and rather than tell you (and maybe lose the marriage) he's just avoiding sex or anything which might lead to it?

Just a thought.

Leaving a sexless affectionless marriage can be as scary as staying.

What if i leave and never find anyone else anyway?
If i leave and i do find someone else will i be able to sustain a loving relationship over time? Will i even know how to after being rejected for so long?
Have i even got the confidence to take my clothes off in front of someone else because it hasnt happened for so long

I had a very vivid dream about my ex OM last Tuesday night. It was so very vivid and real i woke up aroused and in tears. I was discussing my marriage on another thread on here and last weekend it was exactly five years since me and OM split so they probably triggered the dream.

If you stay, you know exactly what you're going to have for the rest of your life. You're miserable, you're lonely, you self-medicate with food and he won't change his ways.

If you go, you have the chance of something different. I'm not going to kid you on that'll it will be easy or it will end in happy ever after, but it has possibilities and opportunities and freedom to find yourself and be yourself.

h3rbm we have something else in common. My marriage was never consummated either.

deq i know you are right and your post makes a lot of sense. The self medicating with food has stopped. I had that bloody horrible winter bug over New Year so didnt eat. And stopped drinking diet coke. When i went back to eating i could only manage small portions and i have kept to that and havent gone back to drinking diet coke.
I lost ten stone ten years ago and have put 3 stone back on so not all of it went back on just some. I wont let this experience destroy me physically as well as psychologically.

DH became disabled seven years ago. So now he actually cant have sex but he doesnt hug or touch at all. before he became ill our marriage had been sexless/affectionless for ten years. He once told me "do what you need to do but please be discreet about it"
I remember us giving a lift home to a work colleaugue of mine 12 years ago. She went to give him a hug and quick peck on the cheek to say thankyou. He jumped out of his skin saying "Dont. Im not a touchy feely person"
Next shift me and she had together at work she just looked at me and i knew she knew.
Later on she dubbed it "being single without the perks" and ive never forgotten that phrase she used all these years later.

Dark why do you stay? Is it some kind of misplaced guilt because your DH is disabled? It's been long enough don't you think?

Hi thanks everyone very much I'm overwhelmed by all your kindness and responses. A lot ring true in many ways.
Husband says he does not have time to think about sex these days. Says I must relax, that he would try to make love to me. Not sure when!?! He is very awkward talking about it.

So are you going to put up with that then?

Says I must relax, that he would try to make love to me - that is just such a horrible comment to make. Like a pat on the head and acknowledgement of you holding out the begging bowl.

Try this. Imagine yourself in twenty years time still not getting any.

Then go upstairs and tenderly and carefully pack his bags.

Do you think he may have erectile dysfunction,& is afraid to admit it to you?Does he ever wake up aroused,? I am sure you would notice if he did.

Badinage I found your perfectly reasonable question 'haven't you discussed it again in the past 2 years? If not, why not?' so sad.

Can I answer it?

• because you cannot have a conversation with only one person trying. Because he doesn't want to discuss it. Because he doesn't want to face himself. Because he doesn't meet you half way the way healthy relationships do - that is an unreasonable expectation in a dysfunctional relationship sadly. Because you get punished for bringing things up. Because the sexual withholding is an anger and control issue (of course he knows what he is doing). Because abusing you is his ticket to running away from himself.

My darling cousin didn't mention it, stopped initiating it after many rejections & just tried not to feel anything. That was 15 years ago. She is 49!! She regrets it so much & now feels that her life has been wasted with a man who treats her like a housekeeper. Confront it OP!!!

My Husband used to wake most mornings 3 years ago and before, with a hard on, he wud often make love to me in the middle of the night or we would just seize the moment. Since then his willy hasnt stirred. In fact during one of the confrontations he said he had never really enjoyed sex with me. Now that did hurt, as I simply don't believe it unless he is an amazing actor. The last few months weren't good as we hit a big rough patch. He may be still angry with me for going against his will. I am dependent on his money at the moment due to moving countries a lot and loosing myself as I supported him in the business. He is angry that i dont earn anything. He is a very tidy person and I am not as tidy as him which causes more arguments. I am looking at courses and ways to earn money now. But basically I'm in charge of raising the kids. I met an old boyfriend recently who said I looked fantastic. No one would believe it if they knew the sexless situation between us.

What do you mean 'go against his will'?

How satisfying was middle-of-the-night sex for you? Were you asleep and woken up? Did you always consent?

It's got nothing to do with what you look like!

Don't think your suggestion is "stupid" wolfandi. I know someone who caught HPV warts during an affair and was scared to sleep with his DW again.

However, as OP is saying that he does not even get an erection while asleep/at waking, it does sound like something physiological. Him refusing to see Dr about it is not helpful though.

It's time to "unlose" yourself OP. Stop trying to give everything to this man and make yourself "good enough" for him and start looking out for yourself and your DC.

Your phrase 'not a stir' from his willy sounds like this might be medical.

Are you able to touch him during sleep? If he has no erections, not even a morning glory, that is actually a significant medical symptom. Dr Christian Jesson (sp) did a piece on it in Embarrassing Bodies.

And, of course in true man style they pretend it isn't happening/blame and attack you for raising it.

If a man loses his libido is it a medical problem or psychological? Does it return naturally? I'm hoping his is a medical symptom as Abitwobblynow you suggested. And yes he will refuse to go to the doctor. No time no time....

FFS it's not a 'medical symptom' that makes him cruel and manipulative. You've got far bigger problems than lost libido but you seem to be putting your head in the sand about it all.

Badinage you are right. Two separate issues here, possible medical symptoms, and his denial/projection/control/cruelty.

But not even a stir throughout the night whilst he is asleep is medical.

ohjo I have been reading your thread with interest, sorry to hear you are going through this, you know it really erodes your self confidence and can make you very bitter. ( talking from experience) I had similar thread a while, DP and I went through "a difficult patch" and sex has been pretty non existent since, he is impotent I have also had the I "never enjoyed sex with you anyway", it all my fault and I am too strong. Sounds to me your H is probably feeling bad about is limp cock (sorry to sound crude) but not willing to anything about it and projecting this on to you is damm right cruel