no sex for over nearly 3 years

[ohjo]

My husband and i love each other very much. We kiss (not snog though, and hug and cuddle . However we had a very rough patch 2 years ago and nearly separated. We have survived that and are almost back to normal. But since then he has not wanted sex. He works very hard, stressful job, travels a lot, is a very focused guy, but is a committed husband and wonderful father. The lack of intimacy is the only downside. He does not miss it or want it, and promises not to be having an affair, which i believe. Does anyone have any tips as to how i can interest him again? He is 46, pretty fit, doesnt drink too much or smoke. I am 40 with a good figure and can't understand it. It is eating away at me. I certainly don't want an affair, but can't accept the fact that my sex life is over! Is sex as important as we are lead to believe? Is this situation totally abnormal? How can i get it going again? Any advice is most welcome....

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Actually... the conversation to have is more like 'Does it bother you that I need a sexual physical relationship with you knowing that you are not meeting that need?'... 'As I'm not prepared to take a lover, what do you suggest I do about my need for a sexual physical relationship if I can't have one with you?'....

[Feckthehalls]

What penguin says.
Perfectly possible to go right off sex . I know loads of people who have done so. Me, for instance.

What would you suggest someone who did not want sex ( and loved their partner , who did ) do ?


Would you tell a woman who did not want sex to get her hormones checked? See a counsellor? How could that help if she had just gone right off the idea?

I'm genuinely curious.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"What would you suggest someone who did not want sex ( and loved their partner , who did ) do ? "

Be affectionate and reassure their partner that they still found them attractive. Hug and cuddle. Acknowledge that sex is important to their partner and acknowledge that lack of sex is a problem. If it drags on, yes, offer to see if there's a psychological or medical reason for the problem.

The opposite of what the OP's DH is currently doing basically.

[Wecanfixit]

Can you persuade him to have counselling sounds like a Huge lack of communication on his part , and not meeting your needs as a couple , you can not continue like this , he is not being fair to you or your marriage , be brave talk to him and get him to face up to what is underlying here, all the best to .

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

OPs H refused counselling wecanfixit. This was mentioned earlier on in this thread.

ohjo - if you continue within this dysfunctional relationship for the sake of the children, you will not be thanked by them for doing so. They will instead despise you for doing this and for putting your H before them. They should also not be used as the glue to bind you two together.

You and your H should have parted a long time ago; keeping this up for the sake of appearances will only further erode any little self worth you still possess. I think he is acting like this because he can and is doing this too in order to punish you further.

[AgathaF]

If he had just gone off sex, he would surely say that, say that it was him not the OP, wouldn't he? That is not hurtful, it happens to lots of people, it would just be being honest.

Saying he doesn't fancy his wife IS hurtful. How is someone supposed to overcome that?

ohjo - have you asked him if he fancies other people, or if his not fancying you is extended to all of womankind (and mankind too)? Have you asked him how he intends to resolve this problem? Or if he wants to resolve it? The answers he gives could give you the direction you need to go in next.

[badinage]

If you loved your partner but had just gone off sex, you would still care enough about that person's feelings to want to see how that decision affected him or her, wouldn't you Feck - assuming you wanted the relationship to continue and you cared about his happiness?

You wouldn't just expect him to lump it and when he expressed hurt, told him that you didn't fancy him and he should just get over it.

If you've done any of that with your partner on the other hand, I'd question whether you love him and are really committed to your relationship, especially if you think your situ is similar to the OP's.

Talking of which, where is the OP? Seem to be a lot of these threads lately with OPs who never come back....

[Crinkle77]

TBH if he won't even try to resolve the problem then I don't know what to suggest. Maybe you need to frighten him and threaten to leave or have an affair

[Tom543]

I was in a relationship a bit like this.

Could it be that he likes you as a friend, likes his house, doesn't want to lose either.....but for whatever reason (sometimes through nobodies fault) he just doesn't think about you that way anymore?

Though I agree he is being a bit of a tool for not addressing the situation, refusing counseling etc...

[Feckthehalls]

Did you miss the part where OP said they kiss, hug, and cuddle?

having acknowledged that lack of sex for the other partner is a problem, then what?

[fob]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine.

I have been married 11 years and of a similar age, as is my DH. We have had sex only a handful of times in the past 7 years, that is since my first was born. It has nearly always been instigated by me. I thought I was happy with this arrangement for a while as we can all get a bit tired now and again.

However, in truth I am miserable. I have tried to broach the subject but all too often it gets swept underneath the carpet.

FWIW, he also has a very stressful job and has high blood pressure. I try and convince myself that it isn't actually that uncommon for 40ish parents of young children not to have much sex. This is the theory my DH subscribes to anyway.

I have found myself drinking more after work (6pm onwards) for the past 2/3 years and I also wonder whether I am self medicating for my miserableness or just drinking to forget/ not care.

My DH is not, or ever will, play elsewhere, though I admit my attention has wandered because of this. I know I could never damage my family through infidelity but I feel like this is my lot and I'm only just 40.

I just wanted to sympathise ohjo - you are not alone.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"having acknowledged that lack of sex for the other partner is a problem, then what?"

Then you work to resolve it or you have enough respect for your partner's needs to set them free. You don't crush them flat saying 'I don't fancy you' and expect them to sit home wearing a chastity belt before buggering off round the world doing your own thing.

All this started right after the OP demanded to have higher priority in his life rather than work being first. His answer.... relocate her to be nearer family, carry on travelling and withdraw entirely from sex. It's a punishment.

[badinage]

Exactly.

The Op also said that the kisses, hugs and cuddles are non-sexual. She said there is no snogging.

As for 'then what?' that's for the people as individuals to decide isn't it? Both of them have got to know whether the non-sexual partner has completely lost their libido, or whether they've lost their libido for their partner in particular. Telling the OP that he 'doesn't fancy her' communicates the latter message, of course.

Next it depends whether the still sexual partner wants to put up with a life without sex and intimacy. Some people can cope with that if they haven't got a particularly strong sex drive, or if it's a temporary thing. Few people however can cope with a partner just not wanting sex with them in particular, because that destroys self esteem and there's the ever-present risk of infidelity on both sides.

What about you then Feck? Is it just your partner you don't want to have sex with, or have you lost complete interest in sex? Have you discussed this with your partner? Is he happy with this arrangement?

[AnyFucker]

It is not "normal" or "to be expected" for people in their 40's to lose interest in sex

There is always a reason for it. Some of them more fixable than others. Until you know why though...it ain't going to get fixed is it ?

[itsallaboutiandme]

OP I will tell you my unfortunate experience which rings true with some of the things you have written.

My 'D'H wasn't really interested in sex with me from when we were married. I was a virgin and was looking forward to the intimacy albeit it never came. I really gave myself a hard time telling myself it was my fault and tried turning myself into someone who's sole purpose it became to please my husband. I look back and just remember living in a fog. Anyhow I digress.

He told me that he didn't find me attractive, that I was fat (size 12), that I was aggressive and I took it all in and believed it.

Any time I thought he might be cheating I couldn't work out when he would find the time. He was mostly home at the right times. Finally after seven years of mental torture I installed a key logger on our home PC and got my evidence the same night. He had found an elaborate way of browsing that could not be traced to looking at Internet history. He had been seeing prostitutes and had generally been keeping himself busy looking at these disgusting sites which rate sexual services.

He had made me feel bad in order to mentally justify his actions.

I too believe that people (men in particular) don't just 'go off' sex. They mostly always have an alternative outlet. But whatever you do please don't take any blame for the sexlessness of your marriage. It takes two.

[AnyFucker]

I hope you ended your "marriage", itsall

[ohjo]

Thank you all for the good advice, and I did talk to him about it. He is awkward talking about it and told me to Relax. This he has said before. Then I pushed him on how long exactly I had to relax for! He said he would Try to make love to me. He said again there was no one else. Having read all your comments though I do wonder. It may well be a form of punishment and lack of libido. We are married 11 years now. Thank you all

[badinage]

Is he a member of a popular eighties beat combo called Frankie Goes to Hollywood?

How did you feel when he said he would 'try' to make love to you?

This just sounds like evasiveness and hoping you'll STFU for a while....sorry.

[Darkesteyes]

He said he would "try" to make love with you? FFS.

[Dryjuice25]

"so if he is getting it somewhere else, is there any way to tempt him back..?"

Op Sorry you are going through this but what are you getting out of this? This question suggests you are willing to accept any scraps of love from him to keep your marriage. You seem to accept that if he is having sex somewhere, it will be ok if he gives you some?

He needs to get his priorities right. I think he is having an affair tbh, god forbid. But good luck and I hope you catch him out/get him to the doctors/counsillor to sort this marriage out

[h3rbm]

In my case, my wife has not made love to me in over 13 years. Its a long story, but I think I just have to accept that she doesn't like sex any more. But it continues to be a completely crushing experience for me. I used to try to talk to her about it but it always ended in a row with me being told I was only interested in one thing. She doesn't seem to realise that if that had been the case I'd have left her years ago.
Before we were married everything worked just fine and if anything, her sexual needs exceeded mine, but all that changed as soon as we were married. We never made love on our wedding night or on the honeymoon. We have one beautiful daughter and so other than a brief period of procreational sex, that has been my lot. However a life without sex has changed me into embittered boring middle aged man. I'm so hurt, angry and at times very very depressed.

[OhToBeCleo]

In my (more foolish) youth I became involved with a married man - something of which I'm not proud. He was the kindest, loveliest, most caring friend I had at that time and the most amazing lover. He told his wife of 10 years the following:

I don't fancy you anymore
I love you but am not in love with you
I've gone off sex
I would never cheat on you

Good people do bad things for various reasons. Keep and open mind.

[Darkesteyes]

When h and i met he was 42 and i was 19. That was 21 yrs ago so there is an age gap between us as well. By the time i was 23 he had stopped wanting sex with me.
When i was 19 i was totally infatuated with him. Today i think to myself "What on earth makes an older person want to squash and curb their younger partners sexuality like that. What makes someone want to do that to another person. My h was never interested in making me orgasm or oral etc. But i was only 19 and had a Catholic upbringing so i thought that was normal. I had an affair at the age of 30 after losing ten stone. (the situation caused me to comfort eat) the affair lasted 4 and a half years and was the most wonderful passionate time of my life. Im so glad i had that experience but it ended 5 years ago and i feel incredibly lonely now and very depressed and tearful.

[dequoisagitil]

Isn't it time to get out, darkesteyes?