Cliches, arse ennui, new year hangovers and glancing at the sweet trolley. Dating thread 34!

[lubeybooby]

New thread time! Great timing with it being new years day...

Most of you know what to do... off you go!

Just in case you don't... just chit chat all your dating related stuff here. If you are new, just jump right in to the blethering. More the merrier!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! :o

ike - i didnt say any one was being spiteful. I just dont think people really think sometimes before posting.
They just post a throwaway comment.

Thing is, those throwaway comments might have made sponge doubt what her gut was telling her.

Which isnt a good thing at all really.

I'm sure you aren't 'trying to cause an arguement' Snail but I would say to you that people are very much aware that the other posters on here are real people ' with real feelings' because some of us have been in similar, and even worse situations.
I wouldn't begin to dismiss the validity of other posters' empathy solely on the basis of not knowing them in RL because, frankly, that would be rather ill mannered and judgemental.

Actually milk, I think you are letting your feelings about someone get in the way with what was being said.

Velvets paranioa isn't normal - sorry velvet. The man stayed in contact all week, V was getting her knickers in a twist if too many minutes past. That's not normal behaviour.

HAs it been bought on by fuckwits - absolutely! but it doesn't mean it's the right and healthy way to behave. This has been going on all week and I wonder if its a self fulfilling prophecy. This isn't the first time either

I agree when it all gets too much, you should step away though

Watch I get what you're saying. I think we all have to base advice on our own experiences, most peoples is good and bad, unfortunately mine (and yours I know) is almost all bad, so it leaves you with horribly low expectations and expecting the worst.

And you know, most people will be all like' don't worry Velvet, of course he'll turn up' and think I'd be silly to worry, because it hasn't ever happened to them. But it has to me several times, so I'll always expect it will again.

I'm not upset by anyone's advice. I do try to be positive and optimistic. But my gut instinct was something was off yesterday - and it was in the sense he was out with someone else.

Well thanks for your input snail but I certainly think before I write a supportive missive and I write it with the absolute best of intentions and I also think quite a few of us are fully aware of thr pitfalls of on-line dating. We all have the potential to have our fingers burned in this paricular bonfire of the vanities and therefore being cruel to each other makes no sense. The occasional slightly off- the -cuff comment is not a reason to dismiss a whole gathering of well meaning folk.

mrs arse - thats not what im saying at all. just that internal alarm bells go off for a reason.
and that its maybe best to encourage people to trust them, rather than ignore them.

thats all.

No offence intended to anyone regading anything. Just that a one size fits all approach isnt always the best way to go.

As I say each to their own opinion.

Really I think the only thing we can learn from Velvet's experience is just take a very pragmatic approach and not make too much effort too early on.

Velvet - I'm really sorry to hear about Spaceman. Obviously he's proven himself to be a dick by messing you around - but as someone else has said unless the two of you have had any kind of discussion about exclusivity, then he has the right to see other people. Once you've had that discussion, then you're entitled to get as annoyed as you want to. Lying about where he is and making shit excuses is the behaviour of an arse though, and you're better off without him.

When I mentioned the Artist earlier on, it was because she was obviously getting very upset by me not responding to all of her texts and calls and letting me know about it. I wasn't saying you were stalky and disturbed, it definitely didn't come across that way, but I was just comparing it to how people said she was getting emotionally invested too quickly when I'd only dated her twice over the course of the first week. All the other behaviour she showed was just her, not you, and I didn't mean to draw any comparison - but the Artist is an example you're familiar with.

I don't know if in your situation you were showing that you were worried, probably not - but it was obvious to us on here that you were feeling very worried and I think what a lot of us were trying to say was - it's not worth getting so upset and so emotionally entangled so quickly when online daters can just start seeing someone else, or disappear, as they do all the time.

People here want things to work out for you. And when things don't, they don't want you to be crushed by it. I was hoping he'd turn up for the date, and was trying to stop you from getting too stressed because you could have been reading too much between the lines - as it was it seems you weren't. You've got to strengthen that armour though if you're going to put yourself in a situation where you can be hurt.

Sorry if my comments gave you any offence, you are far too good for him you know.

ike - i didnt say be cruel. i think it would have been less cruel to say ' yep, he might cancel and i understand why you are worried but there isnt anything you can do about it, he will do what he wants and it will show what sort of person he is'
rather than a blanket - ' dont be silly, you have no reason not to trust him, get a grip' type message

i agree a pragmatic apprach and not making much effort early on would be much better.

Its an absolute minefield, i know. Which is the only reason i posted... supporting people should be about helping people trust their judgement and hand holding them through that, surely?

Well out of all the lovely well meaning messages you have managed to home in on one or two that were of that type...cant really see the point in that but well..Whatever floats yer boat Snail.

I don't think anyone is offended, Snail, you have your own viewpoint and have articulated it, other posters have a different interpretation and have expressed that.

Besides I have a message from a HGV driver in Essex with no photo, sitting in my inbox - decisions, decisions.

MsC - a self fulfilling prophecy? What, in that in actually allowing myself to look forward to a second date (that everyone else thought would go ahead) I made sure it would be cancelled?

I don't quite know how.

I suspect some of you - from what I post on here - may be concerned that I am texting incessantly, maintaining a dialogue of drivel throughout the day. Yes, SM and I have text a lot, but he set the pace in that, not me. Yesterday for example, he text me in the morning, I think we each sent 3 texts in total, finishing by mid-morning. I didn't hear anything, sent him a text at 7ish, again 3 texts, then I sent the last goodnight one, and he replied. On days - and there have been many days- when more texts were exchanged, he always initiated the conversation, and kept it going. And during the day we don't really text at all, because we're both busy working.

I know full well we've only had one date. I also absolutely understand he needs not to put all his eggs in one basket, and is fully entitled to date others too. It's not that as such that upsets me, it's the risk you take OD, that people are dating others. But having stuff about it on FB (where all his family and actual friends are) shows to my mind a lack of class, and seems to make it highly obvious to me, and all the twittery girls, that we are competing for his attention. It feels a bit cheap.

Also, we have spoken (in a text sense) about his DC, how much he loves them, the efforts he has made over contact etc. Yet when he has them, he's off on a date. That makes me think perhaps he's not quite the person I thought he was.

And (quite possibly) lying to get out of tonight of course.

Personally I get the sense you would present very well with a public face Velvet but would worry a great deal behind the scenes.

Now that HCV driver Arse...any millipedes?

Shall I ask him, Ike and see what he says ?

I have been busy collecting the numbers of young men...literally withina couple of lines they threw the numbers at me ...what do I do with them????

Velvet, omfg. Out with someone else. Fucks sake.

I would at least text and say you will not be seeing him again due to the outright lie. Disgusting behaviour. I am bloody RAGING on your behalf, how fucking dare he?

So I am back from date #2 and it was good - chatted non stop for 3 hours, good laugh, nice lunch, I'm still sure the spark is there but he hasn't made any move on me at all for a kiss or anything. But then I remember Zany's chap who shook her hand that time after a date...!

i agree sponge. Please delete him from your fb, he is a twat, you were right.

Mrsc, i dont see how sponge thinking it might go wrong last night, led to him cancelling today... unless she has derren brown type skills :)

The texting is a red herring. Some people like it, some hate it, to some its a red flag, to others its nice.
6 or so texts a day is nothing, and means nothing.

bant - i dont think its the dating others at this point that is the issue. more so the point that he has cancelled, last minute, twice. and lied about it.

I reckon Arse...he's probably got a rat or ferret to keep him company on long journies....could have a cosy little bunk up in that truck...fancy it?

I think it's difficult, velvet, to get a real picture of anyone's situation on this forum. As someone mentioned we hear about it from your point of view, the worry and doubt about things, so we see the swans feet paddling furiously under the water, rather than the swan gliding gracefully along the surface.

As Snail says, OD, especially long term, must be draining and make you second guess your own judgement - especially with those of us on here trying to give useful advice and not always succeeding (in my case, at least). There have been enough times when we've been sat around knowing you were on a date or waiting for a text or something and you've been worried about it, and it's gone well, that we all breathe a huge sigh of relief that you're happy. We're all a bit emotionally invested in your happiness. And when things go wrong, like they have, our advice looks flawed - sorry. The main point here is that worrying about it isn't going to help the situation. I know that's not much help, but for those of us who can see you getting stressed it's difficult to say anything other than 'relax, he may turn out to be a twunt but he may not. Stressing about it won't help'

Velvet, no I don't think you text incessantly at all, I think you are clearly a highly intelligent and sensitive woman.
One of the functions of this thread ( to my mind ) is to allow us to express anxieties/hopes/doubts that we might feel reticent about airing in real life - it's cathartic and I think, in the main, very supportive.

There are a giant number of arses out there. We've all 'met' them. They've cancelled at short notice, sent unsolicited intimate photos, messed the collective us around etc. it's very easy to only believe our personal experience; that OD is solely populated by incredible fucking tossers...and then to extrapolate that into the whole of mankind being incredible fucking tossers.

They're not. Hope is so important, because without it we give up.

I can absolutely understand velvet why you are so disappointed by this specimen, because you are meeting horrible people and you hope and it gets stomped upon again and again. After so many shit-heeled fucking fucks, the alarm bells may well go off, I think what I am trying to say is it's like working in a bell factory. You hear bells all the time, you hear bells in your sleep! No wonder you expect the worst case scenario. for the most resilient, confident, women ; even for Samantha brick, that would be soul destroying. It all adds up and adds up and keeps sodding well adding up.

Trouble is, by expecting the worst, sometimes we possibly subconsciously encourage the worst. I don't know if there's anything in that. I need o think about it a bit more.

We all basically want to be loved, to feel cherished and desired and be treated with kindness and respect.

I'm not going to say take a break from OD. Take one if you feel you need one. A change in tactics might be a good idea, do a bit of personal work if you think it's helpful. The only 'change' I would suggest is encouraging 'velvet blasé' a bit more; because you are smart and funny and all hair and eyelashes. :) I think that's lovely... And I think the spacetosser is a fucking idiot who undoubtedly had a tiny penis and wouldn't have gone down on you.

Ike, I'm not fancying a bunk up in his truck with a rodent audience, I do have some standards. At the moment, anyway.

Cue 3 months later me emerging from his cab with sex-hair and sunflower seeds stuck to my arse.

My public face (the one that dates see) is sweetness and light. I have perfected the art of never nagging, complaining, or being needy or demanding in any way shape or form. I am intelligent, witty, flirty, and entertaining.

You'd think it would make me the perfect girlfriend. Apparently not.

Bant - agreed.
which is why i posted, i just think maybe more support for getting people to trust their own judgement, for a forum is only going to show a one sided view... it a better road to take, unless its something like, what shall i have for dinner, indian or pizza :)

The way it read to me, and i cant be the only one, was the sponge was told not to worry, to stop being daft, and that he would turn up.

it makes her/ anyone second guess their own judgement, which isnt great.

The ' advice' only comes from a good place though, i know that, we all know that, and a hope of it all going well. If only all online daters were so well meaning.......