Cliches, arse ennui, new year hangovers and glancing at the sweet trolley. Dating thread 34!

[lubeybooby]

New thread time! Great timing with it being new years day...

Most of you know what to do... off you go!

Just in case you don't... just chit chat all your dating related stuff here. If you are new, just jump right in to the blethering. More the merrier!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! :o

Bant You've really made me smile- I love it when someone/thing is described as awesome, it seems such a genuine word . So glad she was nice!
Velvet He hasn't said no, he's respecting that you were off to bed. He's going to come, you're going to have a lovely meal (or takeaway) and have a nice night.
48 doesn't appear to be back yet, she's going to be walking like John Wayne tomorrow

I have finally broke my drought, I am no longer a born again virgin! Tonight wasn't as great as last time with Skyman, quite glad really cos I like him, and he's not after anything serious with me from what I can gather. Still like him a LOT more than others I met, but anything breaking the spell is good. Enjoyed a good shag though- been no-one since last new years eve/day, I deserved it!

Cheers Velvet

Spaceman apparemtly thinks thought I was awesome .

Nothing yet today. Will attempt to distract myself with housework...may as well work up an appetite, chances are I will be eating 2 dinners later. Meh.

There's no point in letting it stress you out, Velvet. Think what you'd say to one of us in the same circumstances and say the same thing to yourself, I know that's not as easy as I make it sound. I'm both virtually holding your hand and cleaning your bathroom.

Hi everyone, fingers crossed for you Velvet .
Lurking here since March, met someone start of July, thought things were good, excellent Xmas presents, spent NYE together, he spoke about his birthday later in year, next NYE. I mentioned planning a holiday, silence.

Now seem to be dumped by text! I texted Thursday to see if he wanted to come over tonight (Sat) replied sorry for being short with you as has alot on his mind (no answer to Sat question). I replied that hopefully he and we were ok and to let me know about Sat. He replied thanks and to just give him some time just now as his head was a muddle.

And that's it, looks to me like its over, no explanation , he's met my ds and by bloody text!

Fuck, scoobydoo... that's awful. after so long, and meeting your ds, etc. I think I would ask to meet up and talk about what's going on, it's really cruel of him to just ask for time, not really say why etc, have it all be by text and expect you to just accept it... and clearly you are his g/f, if he has things on his mind then he should be turning to you for support?

I hope he stops being an arse.

Velvet what happened within the space of an hour to change your mindset so dramatically? You were all cool and sorted at 23.35 but then by 00:53 you were all wound up again (and then by the end of the post back to Velvet Blase again :o )

So, just to remind you of your reasoning in the 23.35 post. Him being quiet still doesn't really mean anything just yet :)

Thanks, think will ask to meet up next week, have things of his in house and he has some things of mine at his.
Really upset by it as thought he was decent person and now I am doubting my own judgement which I really hate as I was previously in an abusive marriage and I began to doubt everything. But took 3 plus years out of relationships, had counselling and felt really good about myself and here I am again questioning myself.

I'm sorry, scoobydoo, it's shite when they do this, not even giving you the courtesy of an explanation - is he generally somewhat self-involved ?

Not really MrsArse, thought genuine person, close to his family, I've met his parents, sister and her family!. Good to his ds who even though his ds is in his 20's sees him at least once a week and supports him. So seems out of character, and have not seen selfish side before.

Hi Scooby - it doesn't sound good, but I should point out from what I've read that you haven't been dumped by text - he hasn't said 'I don't want to see you again' or 'this isn't working out' - he's said he needs some time. Now that could be a cowardly way of letting things fizzle out, but it does give you the opportunity to take the high ground here.

I would respond relatively breezily, saying - ok, take some time if you need to get your head sorted out, but I'd like to talk about things in person or by phone. If planning a long way ahead worries you, it worries me a bit too, but let's talk about stuff as we do mean a lot to each other.

Something like that? He hasn't dumped you, it could be a sneaky way of doing it but sometimes planning things that far ahead does suddenly bring the relationship into close focus - what's been fun so far is suddenly huge, and it can make people panic a little bit. Just ask him to act with honesty, like a grown up without accusing him of being childish.

velvet I understand your feelings. If you had a friend coming for dinner there would have been a convo yesterday along the lines of 'what time you coming over?' 'Do you eat prawns?'. And it would be sorted. It's the in limbo thing that's so demoralising. If he doesn't tell you by 11am what his intentions are I'd bin him off.

Oh scooby how awful. It's cruel not to have said to you that his feelings had changed, if that is the case. Give him eternity to sort out his muddled head.

Thanks Bant did say(text) on Thursday that I was there for him and for him to contact me when ready (however this is not indefinate!)
If not heard anything by midweek I will ask to meet up but to me it doesn't look good at all. Friend said same as you that he had not broken up with me (yet) but I do not feel positive about it at all.

Scattylatte I disagree. If a friend had arranged to come over for dinner I would be confident they would arrive and I wouldn't necessarily feel the need to reconfirm details the day before. Maybe my friends and I are pants, but we'll frequently make plans for a specific day and then leave it quite late to nail down the details.

The point is we are confident that we will show, and Velvet does not have faith that SM will turn up. Which is unfortunate. But if he intends to I can see why he's not sorting every single detail the night before.

I have to say Velvet though from lurking I find the level of contact you have with people this early on exhausting. I freely admit that I am a bit more anti-social than most, but I wouldn't want to be texting away with someone I hadn't met or had barely met yet.

Totally agree with you Juliette about the bitter/uptight ex wife. I always pay attention when they tell me why the ex wife left and think through what her experience might have been. iMHO women rarely leave a marriage without good reason.

whatdoes I have alarm bells ringing .. He is telling you he is prone to aggressive outbursts which is what my stbx was like ..

scooby I suspect you have spooked him with something that he realises he can't easily wriggle out of. Birthday plans, NYE, meeting DC's can all be reversed in a heartbeat. A holiday requires planning, booking and financial commitment !!

Maybe it is just as Bant says, he's taking a moment to reflect on the relationship becoming more established ( it's very interesting, I think, having a male viewpoint on this and seeing how it differs from the female posters' ) . It is always very frustrating and upsetting when you experience this kind of withdrawal.

No news either way as yet.

I could look at it that he has his DC, who are very little and will need his constant focus. That we have arranged dinner, he knows where I live, and he'll let me know a time in due course.

Or I could think he's like every other bloke I've met OD and full of shit, and had already decided not to come and is working out a way to cancel.

At my most cynical I predict either:

A) a text late afternoon once DC have been dropped off saying 'sorry I'm really tired can we cancel?'

Or

B) we arrange a time, he doesn't turn up and I get a text very late evening saying he fell asleep or something

Or

C) I just never hear from him again.

Morning all,

velvet - sorry you are feeling stressed about everything. Like your new attitude though. I hope that spaceman does come good for you but remember if he doesn't then he isn't worth it. Your confidence and belief in people is so low that things knock you down quite easily. I understand that because it is a lot like me. BUT you are a very intelligent, lovely person so you know deep down that if he is showing his true colours so early on then he just isn't worth your time, energy or tears. Easier said than done but try to busy yourself. A man should be an addition to your life, not your life. You will get there xxx

Well after my vow of abstinence from od I have had a bit of a turnaround. Sailor boy and I have swapped numbers and he appears to be really quite nice. He is funny and sweet. Got my friends to look at his profile for me last night and he got the thumbs up! I got ribbed last night for being bossy and organising everyone so I am taking a step back and waiting for him to ask me on a date. I struggle with the flirting thing but we seem to have gentle banter and that suits me better! He seems like a grown up. I am not used to adult behaviour. My ex was a child in mans body. Sailor boy is 7 years older, got own business, house, no kids and he seems to be mature. Feels good!!

I don't know if there is a general rule of thumb about how far ahead things can be planned in a relationship. When I was with the Artist, we'd been together a week and she started talking about doing something together in January, 6 weeks away. That was waaaay too far ahead to be planning and made me uncomfortable - that she was making an assumption.

Once something is more established then of course you can plan weeks or months ahead - but until you're married or living together, is there a limit on how far you can reasonably do it? I've heard it takes half the length of a relationship to get over someone - i.e. if you've been with someone for 2 years it takes a year to get over them.

Not sure how true that is, but being with someone for 6 months and planning something a year away would give me pause I think. If I was living with them that's one thing, but if it was a relatively casual arrangement then it just seems so long away. Maybe the half-length rule works for that too, or something of the sort?

aliitle I get what you are saying. Yes we would trust the friend. I think that's what I was getting at as well.
The level of contact is interesting. I think with text mania I've forgotten what level is actually acceptable when it's a virtual stranger.

Velvet, did he send the last text last night? I would be tempted to message him, just saying "Nipping to the shops to get food for tonight, looking forward to seeing you" or something along those lines. If he was going to cancel (and he's a decent bloke) he would do it then. He knows you've actually gone out specifically for it.

The getting over people thing, I thought it was one month for every year, which in broad terms seems to be what ive done. Hope it's not what Bant said or it'll take me til 2019 ....

I'm hesitant to make plans for more than a few weeks ahead as i would feel I was making assumptions. Would be delighted if LM did this though but it's another of those things I'm not going to lead on.

Anything from GuinnessGirl, Bant?

good news on sailor boy, nomore - although I am getting images of Gene Kelly dancing in Shore Leave. I may have my movie references mixed up there, sorry.

Velvet - I'm sorry sweetie but I'm reminded of various cartoons comparing dogs and cats perspectives, or mens and womens perspectives, and how different they are. You're sat there, stressing and fretting over every text, call, words in the text, nuances - everything. He's wondering when the new series of Top Gear will come back on TV.

As far as he's concerned, he's arranged he's going to see you tonight. He's probably looking forward to it. That Is All.

He's texting you a lot - some people on here may be put off someone if they texted them as much as he texts you - and you're so stressed about it it may be leaking through and making you seem desperate. I don't know if that's the case, but when the Artist was texting me and calling me all the time it put me off her. She was so needy I pulled back as I don't want someone who depends on me all the time.

I want to complete someones life, or add to it, but I don't want to be someones life - I want them to have their own things which make them happy, which they can introduce me to if they want. If I knew how much you were stressing and negative about things, it would put me off things - Sorry sweetie, but you're just focusing too much on it, and that may actually be a self fulfilling prophecy here. I know you've had a shit time of OD, I understand why you're stressed, but as other people have said, put the phone down, don't worry about the texts. Go do some gardening, or plan how to redecorate the living room, or go watch an Ally McBeal box set or something. Just step back and please CHILL.