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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H has been having an affair since July ..

197 replies

crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 06:52

And I've thrown him out. What happens next?

We have 3 kids and known each other for 17 years.

His behaviour has been textbook and I don't know what to do.

Children know and Mil knows. She was also cheated on and gave me the advice not to act rashly. Is this good or not?

Can someone hold my hand? Will I ever stop crying?

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 31/12/2012 06:55

Yes you will, and I think you are entitled to act rashly. If you want to try to understand why it happened and have him back eventually, with some caveats then that is your prerogative, but at the moment your MIL is thinking of her little boy and not of you.

balotelli · 31/12/2012 07:01

Yes you will stop crying. It will take time but you will be able to hold your head up high and say ...... " I did the right thing"

Your DC will not hate you for it. Never slag him off in front of them but explain why if they ask, they will understand.

Eventually you will find peace and happiness. but it will take time. You may sink lower than you are now, I did but I am now in a better place than I could ever have hoped for.

You know you did the right thing but please do not give into his pleading and begging. You have thrown him out, now keep him out.

Good luck.

Original poster
crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 07:04

Thanks. I did wonder if it was a possibility.

She said to put myself in a strong position with regards to work, money etc and to ignore what he wants. She found out about her h more than 25 years ago and it destroyed her family. Dh has destroyed ours but I need to make sure that the children are not too traumatised.

OP posts:
scaevola · 31/12/2012 07:18

Acting rashly would, to me, mean deciding now (when in shock and crisis mode) whether you can reconcile with your unfaithful H or if the marriage is over.

Knowing your financial and admin options in case you divorce is prudent.

Taking time away from him to really think about who he is what he's done, and more importantly who you are and what you want in your future, is important in working out whether to mend or end.

howdoyouknowjenny · 31/12/2012 07:42

When this happened to me and my exdh earlier this year, I made an initial appointment with relate for the following week. We had 2 further appointments with them. It gave me an opportunity to see things clearly removing some of the emotion from the situation.

Before the 4th appointment I had decided that I did not want to continue with my marriage. Once I made this decision I felt like a weight was off and I could concentrate on getting myself into a better place and taking care of my baby ds.

Life is a lot better for me now despite my rash decision! I think that if you seek some counselling just to get some understanding about the situation you are now in you will quite quickly work out what is best for you and can then put plans in place to work on your marriage or to separate.

Original poster
crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 07:43

Thanks.
I've been looking on the Internet about the money side. That was easy.

How do I know mend or end? I'm thinking probably end but how do J know its the right thing to do??

OP posts:
Original poster
crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 07:44

Counselling sounds like a great idea. Could really do with objective help.

OP posts:
shriekingnora · 31/12/2012 07:53

How about taking pressure off yourself and postponing making a decision? Make a plan of action that will put you in the best position possible to decide. Have counselling, have time apart, do good things for yourself, try to eat properly and sleep, accept all offers of help with the kids etc

You don't say if he wants to reconcile or not. Is he still living in the family home?

Original poster
crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 07:59

He's not living here. He says not at ow house but I don't know.

He said he liked living here and having his bit on the side so I've told him to fuck off and leave.

They email each other 50 Shades of Grey style which makes me vomit. Last summer dh bought me a copy and I told him that I thought the content was shit and the relationship was abusive and shit. I'd love to post it on here so you can all vomit but that might be too hasty.

OP posts:
Original poster
crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 08:01

About 50 shades- h and I have done far kinkier stuff and I told him this and we had a good giggle over the stuff we've done. Can't believe "Someone in the office is a fan" was short for "My gf is dumb enough to think it's hot"

OP posts:
shriekingnora · 31/12/2012 08:02

End. What a twat.

shriekingnora · 31/12/2012 08:03

xpost but even more definite now.

Original poster
crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 08:08

He is a twat

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CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 31/12/2012 08:10

'Rashly' IME is to let a cheat back in your life just because they say 'whoops, sorry'... although I suspect MIL's perspective is skewed. If the cheat is her DS and she put up with similar from her DH for 25 years she may think 'rash' is not to sacrifice your self-respect the way she did.

If he said he liked living with you and shagging around then dumping the nasty little man seems the right way to go. But take your time, get all the information and manage the transition so that you and your DCs are always #1 priority. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

shriekingnora · 31/12/2012 08:10

Sad sorry op. Doesn't sound like fun but maybe it's a good time to decide - out with the old, in with the new. Start 2013 as you mean to go on and leave room in your life for love and kindness.

Original poster
crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 08:14

I don't think it can be saved.

But I want to minimise trauma on the kids. We are gonna be busy tomorrow in the hope that we can forget for a while.

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Original poster
crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 08:15

No apology yet. Another reason why it's fucked.

OP posts:
shriekingnora · 31/12/2012 08:17

How old are your DC? No apology indicates he doesn't want to reconcile anyway, so there doesn't seem any point wasting your time trying.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 31/12/2012 08:37

Children are far more resilient than you think, provided you reassure them that they are loved, that the break-up is not their fault, and provided you keep them informed rather than in the dark where they can make up their own version of the truth. Children are very self-oriented for obvious reasons and what they want to know is what will change and what will stay the same for them personally. Will they be going to the same school? Moving house? Staying with Dad for the weekend? If you manage those kinds of issues sensitively between you, the children should be OK. What certainly is traumatising for children is staying in a home where Mum & Dad are at each other's throats or treating each other with contempt and disrespect .... far more damaging

Original poster
crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 08:43

Thanks.

I was planning on keeping them at their current schools (secondary and primary) but knowing h he won't commit to access times. I suppose it depends on whether he moves in with her. She doesn't have kids so it'll be a shock for her [evil] and their cosy love nest.

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 31/12/2012 09:01

If H won't commit to access times and be reasonable about giving his children the security of a reliable schedule, there's no access. If H won't agree to do this amicably, you do it through a solicitor. If he neglects or upsets his children because he's too absorbed in a new relationship, he forfeits the right to be 'Dear Old Dad'.

This is what I mean about putting you and the DCs #1 priority. I know it's early days but this man is no longer your friend, partner, confidante, lover etc.... he's just some idiot bloke who has to fit around your life and your DCs' lives now.

DragonMamma · 31/12/2012 09:06

Sorry your going through this :(

The fact he hasn't even apologised speaks volumes, he sounds dreadful.

Good luck with getting your life in order, take Cogito's advice and don't deal with any crap around access to the DCs, there's no reason this has to irreparably screw your kids up if he behaves like an adult about it.

aftereight · 31/12/2012 09:26

So sorry to hear this.
I'm guessing you are still in shock, for me that and the adrenaline lasted over two weeks.
I actially think your MIL's advice is quite sound - don't make any definite decisions about the future, and try to consolidate your positiin as an independent person, both financially and practically.
Your DH's lack of remorse is a very good reason to keep him at arms length.
Books to (both) consider reading: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, and Parenting Apart by Christina McGhee.

I am now six weeks down the road, and I have stopped crying every day. Still hurts like hell, but am taking the advice to look after myself, do nice stuff, and to prioritise my own and DCs' needs only. I am about to put together a plan for 2013, and a list of my medium to long term life goals, as I want to start to tentatively consider the future, either with or without my H.

Mrsgorgeous · 31/12/2012 09:31

It happened to me too back in February.

I still cry, but not so often and so things do get easier.

You will get a lot of support and advice here and it does help to know that you're not the only one going through this hell.

Trust plays a huge factor in deciding you're future now. Could you ever trust him again? Also you need to be a good role model for your children.

Wishing you luck x

Original poster
crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 09:41

I could accept a one night stand but this is more- complete with vomit inducing gushy emails written like 50 shades.

At the moment I want closure and some sort of revenge where he feels as shit as me but I don't want to go to prison so it's a no-go really.

Thanks for the advice about putting me and the kids first. I might treat them to Dominos tonight to celebrate NYE.

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