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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H has been having an affair since July ..

197 replies

crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 06:52

And I've thrown him out. What happens next?

We have 3 kids and known each other for 17 years.

His behaviour has been textbook and I don't know what to do.

Children know and Mil knows. She was also cheated on and gave me the advice not to act rashly. Is this good or not?

Can someone hold my hand? Will I ever stop crying?

OP posts:
Original poster
crazygracieuk · 02/01/2013 21:28

I am gutted beyond belief. I won't do anything stupid because if dc butbI feel so low that I have to be scraped off the ground.

OP posts:
shriekingnora · 02/01/2013 21:28

Hey, you are allowed to mourn what you thought you had. It's okay to be sad. You come across as a fab person and I can't believe you don't have people who care (other than us, of course). Apart from anything, you have just said your kids adore you!

At the end of the day, the only person you are absolutely guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with is YOU. So look after yourself, respect yourself and do the best you can for yourself. I don't mean at the expense of other people's feelings (you're not a twat like your ex!) but I do mean you need to priorotise yourself. And stop drinking. Have a coffee and remember alcohol is a depressant. Or continue til you pass out but then you'll feel dreadful tomorrow.

Original poster
crazygracieuk · 02/01/2013 21:31

Ok no more alcohol now since I have dc in the morning but Si feel so fucking shit and useless. ;(

OP posts:
shriekingnora · 02/01/2013 21:36

Eat something nice and comforting to soak up the alcohol. Cheese on toast is good. Or beans on toast. Carby and hot. You'll feel tons better. Watch some crap on the telly. Ring a friend? Have a hot bath? (I hate it when people suggest this but it does make you feel better!). You'll get there.

ThePinkOcelot · 02/01/2013 21:37

You are not shit and you are not useless! You are doing brilliantly Gracie!! xx

Original poster
crazygracieuk · 02/01/2013 21:39

Thank you guys :(

Thank you sooo much. I wish I could thank you in person.

OP posts:
Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 02/01/2013 21:41

You're not useless, re-read your posts in the morning when your focus us a little better and recognize how strong you are.

Make it your New Years Resolution to increase your circle of friends and develop a life of your own without that oxygen thief. I can't call him a man, to me he doesn't even fit into the human category at the moment.

Focus your energies on building a new, and different life for your family, with gritted determination to ensure your son turns into a man you are proud of.

Write some lists tomorrow of short term things you need to do and achieve and concentrate on getting them done one by one. Little steps are needed at the moment. Don't be hard on yourself. We are all here to listen x

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 02/01/2013 21:42

And beans on toast sounds like the first best idea nora!

Doha · 02/01/2013 21:44

You can and you will recover from this and come out a much stronger person than you are.
You ARE NOT a failure your ex is the failure. He failed to respect his wedding vows, he failed his wife and he failed his DC's.
You will be the constant presence in your DC's lives and l believe you DS 11 knows this--you will never let them down and l do believe that.
You are grieving for the loss of your family and the future you thought you had--that is natural, don't expect to be strong all the time and the evening and nights will be the hardest. MN will be here to hold your hand
However this time next year you will be in a completely different place in your head-just give yourself time--baby steps.

shriekingnora · 02/01/2013 21:46

Although don't do what DH did just before I met him. Which might make Gracie laugh so I will tell you -

Get drunk
Need beans on toast
Put toast in
Put beans in pan on cooker
Butter toast
Lean on cooker gazing at beans for five minutes wondering why they aren't heating up
Smell burning flesh and realise you have put the front ring (that you are leaning on) on and put the beans on the back ring
Have a cooker element branded into your forearm for about 4 months

HappyNewHissy · 02/01/2013 22:02

Gracie love, you may be down at the moment, but you are most definitely not out. You will pick yourself up, you will feel better as thousands of us have done so before you, and thousands will do so with your help and support in the future.

You will rise, he will alway be a shit.

Your DC love you, they will be there for you. Know that even if she doesn't run screaming when she realises about his re-claim, re-cycle, re-use efforts, even if she ends up with Mr 50 Shades of Shite, that somehow your DC will always hate her. She will never be able to shake off that stench of betrayal. He in turn will always have disappointed them. They will lose respect for him, even if he behaves impeccably from now on (not a chance of that happening)

You will rise, you will grow, learn, strengthen. You will become greater than you have ever been before.

You may not believe it now, but it's true. It really is.

We're with you all the way.

Original poster
crazygracieuk · 02/01/2013 22:17

Damn

I can't believe how much support I have from u guys.

I want to go to sleep but haven't slept properly in days which is definitely clouding my judgement.

How do I stay strong? :(

The kids will wake in 9 hrs so I need to have calmed down by then :( I don't want them to see me like this.

OP posts:
MumsKnitter · 02/01/2013 22:40

Alcohol is indeed a depressant. I promise you will feel much better tomorrow - strong again! Well done for realising that as your DCs will continue (hopefully) to have a relationship with their dad, it is entirely appropriate that they have gifts for him on his birthday. You did the right thing to help your kids by providing them. Easier said than done, but do try not to slag him too much in front of them - I slagged my exDH when we separated, and I caused a lot of unnecessary (luckily short term) damage to their relationship. Once I realised that it wasn't a competition for their love and that in any case if they had had to choose between us, all four would have chosen me, so I'd won I was able to be more reasonable and rational and accept that it's actually good for the kids to continue to love us both. What's best for your kids is for them to have a good relationship with you both, and not to feel pulled in both directions, or that they are being disloyal if they have some fun with their dad. You also have to try to make the best of the fact that OW will be part of their lives for as long as she remains with your DH - I think you're right in thinking that this won't be for too long, so I'd advise trying really hard not to slag her to them too! Say evil things about her to us instead! Good luck Gracie!

Mrsgorgeous · 02/01/2013 22:41

Lack of sleep is usual. I was having about 3 hours each night and wondered how I would ever get through work the next day. I was also waking up about 2/3 hours early too. My doctor told me that it was a sign of depression and only to be expected.

You will have good days and bad days but gradually , without you even realising, there will be more good than bad days and the tears will be less often.

You are in shock....all your life has been thrown up into a million jigsaw pieces and you are trying to make it all fit back together. It will never be the same but can be put back in a different way. You can make it better and stronger than ever and you will.

And who would have thought that I would be writing this now seeing as I was an emotional wreck only a few months ago.

MushroomSoup · 02/01/2013 23:12

Gracie, I've been there. You just Do one day at a time. Sometimes you just do one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time. But you do get there. And slowly, you will become fabulous again.

TheLateMrPamuk · 03/01/2013 00:26

You are strong.

Nomorepain · 03/01/2013 00:50

Gracie - I've been there too. It was horrific, for months it was just awful. Then he came home and for about 4 weeks it was lovely then quickly it turned awful then he left and it was horrific again!

But now 9 months on and my life is moving forward. All of the things that you thought were off limits, that was for other people not you - well now they are yours for the taking. The possibilities are endless.

You must get the practicalities sorted so you have a solid foundation to build on. Once that is sorted you can work on the emotional stuff. You will never be the same person again. You will be somebody way more fabulous and strong! Bit by bit your new life will unfold. For now concentrate on getting your happiness where you can. Accept every invite, book a facial/massage, spend time getting to know yourself. Find your identity again.

You will get there, promise!!!!

shriekingnora · 03/01/2013 07:35

Morning Gracie. Just wanted to check how you were feeling today. Hope the hangover isn't too bad and you have soe nice things planned Smile

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 03/01/2013 09:15

Morning Gracie

Hope the headache isn't too bad this morning. What are you plans today? Will you have a bit of time to yourself if the DC's are seeing their father?

Any chance of getting out of the house, a breath of fresh air can really help clear your head?

mumvswild · 03/01/2013 10:13

Gracie I think I love you! I am so proud of your determined effort. I wish I could be as strong. I'm swinging between leaving and staying with H myself. Not due to infidelity but cos he's a lazy so and so who won't work and blames me for all our financial problems which all stem from him. I'm weak though. He has made veiled threats about 'taking the DCs away' permanently. He has stalked me before (I only went back cos it was less stress than staying away}. Good luck, I wish you the best. You rock!

MrsTomHardy · 03/01/2013 10:19

Stay strong Gracie, you are doing so well

BerylStreep · 03/01/2013 10:36

Gracie, we all need a blow out - hope you are feeling not too bad today.

mumvswild - that sounds shit. Hope you are ok and getting help.

Original poster
crazygracieuk · 03/01/2013 11:33

Hi
I am feeling better today. Hopeful about the future.

I am going to try and keep busy today. Thank you for the messages of support during my big wobble.

I know I made the right decisions (apart from drinking too much last night!)

OP posts:
shriekingnora · 03/01/2013 11:40

Gracie, sometimes you need to be pissed. That's just life!

vole3 · 04/01/2013 06:09

Always remember during your wobbles that what you are feeling is normal.

You are not being weak when you get thrown by the little things, it shows you still have the capacity to care.

Accepting that you don't know where or when the next wobble will trigger is half the battle in getting through them. Invest in the best waterproof mascara you can afford!

Build on your relationships with friends and family and never be too proud to tell them when you're having a rough day. They can tell!

This year I'm putting notes in a jar to remind me of the good things that happen as it can be easy to forgot in amongst the shit we have to deal with. Next New Year's Eve I will read them and remember that 2013 was the year I found me again.

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