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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

H has been having an affair since July ..

197 replies

crazygracieuk · 31/12/2012 06:52

And I've thrown him out. What happens next?

We have 3 kids and known each other for 17 years.

His behaviour has been textbook and I don't know what to do.

Children know and Mil knows. She was also cheated on and gave me the advice not to act rashly. Is this good or not?

Can someone hold my hand? Will I ever stop crying?

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crazygracieuk · 04/01/2013 10:18

Thanks vole3. That sounds like a great idea.

Update for today is h has ditched OW. It's definitely not the other way round as she called me wanting to know if we had reconciled. [manuc laughter]

Thank you sooo much for your messages guys. Ds1 seems much better and I know I will be ok.

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Doha · 04/01/2013 10:27

As soon as the affair became public knowledge the thrill was taken away from him and life with the OW didn't seem so wonderful.

Be prepared now for the tears and begging to come back--midlife crisis/didn't know what he wanted/he still loves you.....etc

Bullshit--he cheated once aka 30 shades of shite and will probably do so again.

Stay strong Gracie you have come so far. You have your family DC and most of all your dignity and self respect. What does he have now---big fat NOWT

Karma eh!!!!

BerylStreep · 04/01/2013 10:48

Hmm Does OW not get that part of being the OW is that you don't get to phone up the wife to ask stuff like that?

I hope you managed to hold it together in your response.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/01/2013 11:39

Looks like they're following the script - as soon as tawdry affair comes to light, the fantasy lust fuelled bubble is burst, OW gets cold feet...and cheating lying bastard comes home begging for forgiveness, saying he realises he loves/wants wife (along with home comforts) after all Hmm

Remember that you are not his fall back option and that you are not plan no 2.

If he does come back with tail between his legs and you want him back, make sure he does ALL the work and watch his actions to see if these match what he is saying.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2013 12:06

When he comes grovelling (which he will) - are you going to take him back?

I hope not.

But if you are - you need to know what he needs to do to have any chance of this working out. There's plenty of advice available if you need help with it. Whatever you do, don't just 'take him back' and hope things will go back to how they were - they wont, you need to build a whole new relationship - it's hard, it's draining, and 99/100 times, it's not worth it.

crazygracieuk · 04/01/2013 12:43

Thanks.
He's not asked to come back yet but considering how textbook he's been I shall prepare myself for the inevitable.
I have been reflecting on the red flags that I should have heeded. I have kept the list digitally so that I can read it from time to time and pass on my experience to others in future.

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Allergictoironing · 04/01/2013 12:49

Take a leaf from Chaoscarriesonagains book - start treating his textbook behavior as something to laugh at www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1646420-Heartbroken-and-struggling-to-cope?pg=20

crazygracieuk · 04/01/2013 12:50

He had recently been discussing getting a motorbike which I thought was the normal/acceptable mid-life crisis thing to do.

Thank goodness for Facebook. I know that Ow is the same age as me, a dress size smaller (8/10?) and not physically prettier which makes me feel better that it's not me who's at fault. She will also have seen me on fb and noted that too. Could that be why she is so insecure?

I'd love to forgive and forget. I don't mean get together- I mean not be annoyed by it anymore. Does that come with time?

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Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 04/01/2013 13:02

So predictable....I did mention to be wary of this in one of my initial replies.

Gracie stay strong and be careful, either he will come begging in a big pity party, or he will try and gaslight his way in with a combination of arrogance and self entitlement, ignoring the fact that he did anything wrong.

Be on your guard. Can you ever have a normal life and a trustworthy relationship with this man??

Imagine a future of business trips where he doesn't answer his phone in the evenings, late work nights and leaving do's. Will you be confident that he's now a committee husband, or will you sit there feeling sick to the core, stomach twisted plowing through his email account?

Will you feel obliged to have sex when you don't feel like it, for fear of him looking elsewhere.

Even though you may take the higher ground, to me, he would still hold all the power.

Is that the future you saw for yourself, when you were 18 and all the possibilities of life were infront of you?

And change your home number - this damaged individual seems to think you have some sort of connection. This needs to be stopped. Or if you don't want to change your number, tell her you will be calling her HR manager in the morning and mentioning harassment, and explaining the whole sordid situation. You have a duty to behave normally outside of work as an employee and this is unacceptable. (You don't have to do this, of course)

Try and distance yourself from it all, sweetheart. As long as he contributes financially as agreed, turns up for the children and proceeds fairly with separation and split, you don't have to worry where he is or what he is doing in his own time. He's a big boy now and he made his bed. Time to lie in it.

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 04/01/2013 13:03

Committed husband, not committee! Sorry.

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 04/01/2013 13:08

Your own ds told you that he had checked her on FB and you were the better looking woman.

It had been my painful experience that pre pubescent boys don't lie or bullshit in their statements.

For you - best compliment ever, for me - having to accept my tummy is wobbly because I eat too many biscuits.

Let her feel insecure, she should have thought about that before she embarked on the whole ridiculous affair.

Keep conducting yourself with grace and dignity, you are doing brilliantly x

crazygracieuk · 04/01/2013 13:20

The actual word that he and his friends used was butterz which I now know is what we used to call a minder. Lol

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Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 04/01/2013 13:34

Point 2 I think

crazygracieuk · 04/01/2013 15:41

The definition made me laugh loads. Thanks

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crazygracieuk · 04/01/2013 16:17

X-post Chat
What's the best vibrator out there?

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crazygracieuk · 04/01/2013 16:18

Also- I had my hair cut today and feel like changing my hair colour from dark brown to something more exciting- maybe plum? What's the best home dye kit?

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Allergictoironing · 04/01/2013 16:23

lol at you Gracie, but definitely the right attitude. Can't advise on which brand as I get my hairdresser to do mine, but something lush with red in it should make you feel much better.

Vibrators better than men - they don't snore, or want feeding (apart from the batteries, or get tired or the dreaded droop! Most people seem to like rabbits.......

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 04/01/2013 16:24

How about some highlights? They can really brighten up your face, and look quite sleek and glam.

I saw that Dawn French had some lovely color through her hair in an article last week.

I can find a pic somewhere....

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 04/01/2013 16:26

not sure of your style but I think these are gorgeous

crazygracieuk · 04/01/2013 16:34

Loving the Dawn French highlights. Don't think I could do it at home though. (I have some grey so would need regular touch ups at a salon which I can't afford unfortunately.)

There is an Ann Summers in town so will take a look once the kids are back at school next week. V excited!!

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vole3 · 04/01/2013 17:32

As well as changing you, can I suggest also redecorating the smallest room in the house.
Even if its just slapping a coat of different colour paint on the walls, it says 'this home belongs to me & DC' and it will be how Crazygracie chooses and he doesn't get a say in it any longer.

crazygracieuk · 04/01/2013 18:14

I packed lots of junk into a bin liner today. Man stuff like cables for gadgets he doesn't own, random secret Santa tat etc it made me feel better.
I like the idea of redecorating. I might go to Ikea or B&q next time he was the kids. The house is currently all apricot white which is boooring.

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crazygracieuk · 04/01/2013 18:15

Might start with the ensuite which is all mine now. Might go for something bold like pink.

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ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2013 18:33

I am very very tempted to do the bathroom in 'Bathstore' pink :)

When he next has the kids, give him the binliners full of crap too and anything else of his you find around the house, along with all his clothes etc.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2013 18:33

Send the signal that everything is not 'on hold' waiting for his return.

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