VSM is cross!!! (sorry)

[verysadmum]

Having been out all day I have come back to find that my h has been here!!!! He knew I wouldn't be in.

Being paranoid about this (I have suspected before) I set little traps... he was definitely here.

I am right to be really cross? After all it is his house too.....

TIA xx

You are very right to be cross!!
Get those locks changed girl!!!
Hope you are ok honey

yes. very cross. It may be his house too, but as he agreed to live elsewhere I consider him to be trespassing. what an appalling breach of your privacy.
I agree with popsycal - I think you now have a perfect excuse to change the locks - if he wants to know why, tell him.
best of luck vsm - get the locksmith out tomorrow!

i will willing pay for your locak to be changed for you
dead serious

locks to be changed even

I'd agree with what has already been said. You have every right to be cross. He has invaded your privacy. Did he make it obvious, ie is he out to scare you, or has he just popped by on the sly? Whichever, it is not on.

Do SS know that he still has access to the house and that he is seeing you and the kids unsupervised. I'm just a little worried that you may compromise your own position. Also does he know they are involved yet.

Good luck

You should definitely be cross. But don't confront him -- ring SS back and ask them what you should be doing, what your rights are, etc. I agree with LIZS, you don't want to jeapordize what you've already accomplished by allowing him more access than is necessary. Have you rung the solicitor yet?

I'm so sorry you feel you have to do this all on your own (or just about on your own). You need to get someone involved who will always stand up for you and tell you what your rights are. Either SS or a women's helpline... here are some phone numbers gathered from posts and plopped down in one place:

0808 808 999, is the No. For Refuge 24 hour domestic violence Helpline. 24 hour crisis line providing counselling, support and welfare for women and childered escaping domestic violence. (copied from FF and blumberg)

Here is info on how to protect your computer.

The Women's Aid Website (courtesy of JanH)

(copied from a post by LadyP):
There is an organistaion called Rights of Women and they give free, legal advice to women and it is run by women. Tel: 020 7251 6577. Advice line open Tues, Weds and Thurs 2-4pm and 7-9pm; Fri 12-2pm.
Web address: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk. They specifically offer legal advice re DV

from karenanne:
The womens aid federation gives advice and can help with accomodation in your situation theyre no is 0345023468

0808 2000 247 Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline

Anyway, please try ringing someone and finding out your rights. It doesn't matter if you ring Refuge and don't want to leave... they'll still help you. What I mean is, even if all the phone numbers seem somehow "wrong", you need to call someone and find out your rights (and responsibilities) regarding letting your husband into the house.

Thinking of you. Please change the locks, because I like you and don't want you to get hurt.

Also, ring a solicitor now, leave a voice mail outlining your situation and he'll ring you back tomorrow. That way it's done. If he doesn't ring back, try until someone does. Or best yet, ring a bunch now and leave messages.

I think you have every reason to be cross, especially as you have concerns for your safety. Who does he think he is!? It might be his house but it is no longer his home. Change the locks, call a solicitor and ss to let them know what he has done.

Cheeky sod VSM! Echo everyone elses sentiments
Set more little traps only this time, make them the Indiana Jones variety

I have a solicitors appt for Tues (child care allowing). As long as she says it's okay, I will change the locks - at least the one on the external porch door anyway... That way if I know he's coming over it will be unlocked anyway so I guess he didn't know then...

He wasn't 'obviously' here. It was only because things had been moved / doors opened etc that I knew but there is absolutely no doubt that he has been here today..

I had already deleted all the cookies/history this morning as I swore I heard the door being opened at 7.30am (I really think someone tried to open it - it continued after I'd woken up - I assumed it was him and got deleting quickly..). Jumpy? Me? Yep.

Thank you for your kind offer Popsy but I'll be okay but thanks anyway.

VSM xx

VSM - You have every right to be angry. He's sneaking around when he knows you're not there to stop him. It's a total invasion of your privacy and you can't be expected to live in constant fear of when he's going to turn up next.

I would seriously consider ringing SS and letting them know about this. They may be able to advise you and they will see that you're doing everything in your power to keep your family safe. If he turned up and harmed you or your son they would know that you hadn't been encouraging him to visit.

Do whatever you can to stay safe. xxx

This is worrying, vsm. Why don't you put an inside bolt on the doors NOW?

VSM I really worried about whether I'd upset you on the other thread when I said that he was a guest in your house and you replied that it was still his house too. I've been thinking about it and I don't think it is, actually. I think he lost the right to come and go as he pleases when he was violent towards you and your children. I'm sorry if this offends you but I hope it doesn't. Agree with everyone - change the locks. IMO he's damn lucky you don't have an injunction against him.

Message withdrawn

VSM, listen to Twinkie. I know you say it's his house too, but this is from Shelter (via MultiKulti ):

If you want to stay in your home you may be able to get an injunction to stop the violent person from coming near you. An injunction is an order from the court which tells a person what they can or cannot do. It is possible to get an injunction at very short notice.

You don't have to prove violence to get an injunction but you may have to speak to the police and report the person who has been violent or who has threatened you with violence.

You can get an injunction to stop the violent person entering your home if:

you own the property (even if you own jointly)

the tenancy is in your name (even if you rent jointly)

you are married to the legal owner or tenant

If none of these situations apply, you can't stop the violent person from entering your home, but you can get an injunction ordering him/her to stop being violent or abusive. Even if you can get an injunction to stop the violent person coming near you, this should not stop the council from helping you.

=====

Hope you're still reading! It doesn't matter if he's not usually violent or it only happens occasionally. He doesn't have to be violent every time you see him to get an injunction -- or, for that matter, to need one. Twinkie is right when she says "you never know when men like that are going to snap". You might have been able to keep him calm mostly before, but this is a whole different thing.

I don't want to sound too doom and gloom. I'm beaming some PMA at you right now.

Definately change the locks - he has no right to come into your home - as www he gave up all rights when he started being violent towards you and your son.
And couldn't you put a password on your pc so he can't get into that to see what you've been posting? I'm not the most techncal person myslef but I thought with Windows you could set up a seperate identity which nobody but you could access?

I came across SurfGhost . It lets you surf without recording anything.

Don't know if it works well. I've got a Mac and it's only for Windows.

Thanks all of you. WWW - you didn't upset me. My ah does that all by himself..

I calmed down last night (was really very cross) and ended up quite worried instead and consequently had an awful night sleep... I drifted off at maybe 4ish and woke up several times before I got at 7.30 (yawn...zzzz). I had real trouble keeping my eyes open this morning. I am going to have a really quiet night tonight... calm music, read something, long bath... glass of wine? I AM going to sleep.

I will sort the outside lock out this week (if solicitor says it's okay) I suspect he'll come and take the pc though...

Lisa - I had to laugh at your suggestion of Indiana Jones style traps!! I bet I'd forget I'd set them though!!

The Surf Ghost looks interesting - has anyone tried it?

VSM, he can't take the pc if you've changed the locks. He's violent. You can sooooooo do without this. You and your children need to be safe in your own home. Check with the solicitor tomorrow if that will make you feel completely OK about it, and then change them ALL (not just the one on the back porch) and get an injunction. Please.

Btw - he doesn't know about ss - so I can't mention that to him. He would hit the roof.

MI - Thanks. He would insist though - believe me! He built it and bought the parts for it - he would take it. Still as long as that's all he takes (material things)...

We do own our house jointly btw

Well I've just spent the last hour (yes hour!!) on the phone to ah. He has gone bonkers...

I left him a message earlier about the fact 'someone' had been in the house. He confessed it was him (didn't really have a choice) and thought I wouldn't mind since I was out. I pointed out that I did mind and he should have checked with me first. After a long slanging match he agreed.

He is convinced I'm having an affair and you'll love this.... with a woman!!!!!!! No offence to anyone with those tendancies but I don't have them. I actually laughed (a lot) at this!! I don't think it actually helped him though...

He has extended his stay for week but wants to come over and talk seriously to me at 9pm tonight. I have agreed but I said he must leave by 10pm. If I haven't posted by 10.30pm worry about me! Or at least 11pm! The D word has been mentioned....

I am feeling okay today and I hope we can agree on some basics rules... He keeps mentioning taking ds out though and i'm going to have to try and explain that he can't right now? Maybe?

I will be careful though. He has been so upset on the phone that I don't think I'm in any real danger. If I suspect he's getting funny then i will leave it - promise.

Better get myself together..... VSM (VeryStrongMum tonight!) xx

VSM - i am worried a little by your post....
is there someone who you can get to ring you at 10 to check he has gone...?
please do that!!!
i won't sleep otherwise.....
I dont care about posting my mobile number on here and you can text me...just want to know you are safe

Any chance you'll email me your phone number so I can call in an hour or so? goochersmom at yahoo dot com

Hope tonight goes well, but I have to say that I think you should ask SS about having unsupervised visits.

I'll stay up putzing around until 11pm -- hope to hear from you before then.