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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

VSM is cross!!! (sorry)

123 replies

verysadmum · 11/01/2004 19:31

Having been out all day I have come back to find that my h has been here!!!! He knew I wouldn't be in.

Being paranoid about this (I have suspected before) I set little traps... he was definitely here.

I am right to be really cross? After all it is his house too.....

TIA xx

OP posts:
JJ · 18/01/2004 18:48

VSM, huge massive hugs from me.

Absolutely none of this is your fault. It's his. Not only was he violent, but he's obviously a bully and the controlling, manipulative, possibly charming father of your kids. I have no doubt that there are things about him you love and he has been with you through the most important events of your life (the kids). I think if he were all bad, not only would you find it easy to leave him, but you wouldn't have been with him in the first place. The fact that he seems fine to the outside world is also difficult to deal with and has made it more difficult for you to tell people about him. If everyone hated him, it'd be easy.

But the fact remains that he's a violent man who has taken his anger out on the people he is supposed to love the most. He is the one who was supposed to protect you. He is the one who was supposed to be your best friend and help you be the best of what you are. He has done the opposite and willingly and determinedly. What he has done is sickening. And in no way shape or form is it your fault.

Huge huge hugs.
And then some more.

princesspeahead · 18/01/2004 18:57

I can understand how you feel, vsm - I know I would feel gut-wrenchingly awful telling my sister or mother if I was in your shoes - I'd feel like somehow I'd failed at being married, or that it was somehow my fault - even though the intelligent part of my brain would know that those were completely mad and idiotic thing to think, and would know that no-one else but me would be thinking them. But I suppose that where we differ is that if I DID tell either of them, I'd be confident of getting their support. Best of luck whatever you choose to do. xx

sis · 18/01/2004 20:07

VSM, are your whole family very 'private' or is it just you that finds it difficult to be open with members of your family? If they are all very 'private' perhaps it is time to be really brave and break that cycle and perhaps other members of your family will thank you for it as it may allow them to be more open about things that are really going on in their lives rather than the image they feel the family wants to see.

Please don't take it the wrong way, I do think that you are already being incredibly brave - but maybe it's time to take another step whist you are doing so many things that you previously thought you were incapable of doing.

motherinferior · 19/01/2004 08:12

How are you today VSM?

verysadmum · 19/01/2004 19:48

JJ - You are so right - if everyone hated him it would easy (or at easier..)

PPH - I'm glad you can understand why I haven't told them (yet), I just wish I could be sure of their support. Support is one thing they don't really do - I've found from experience... I mean for starters when I called them up a while back (crying and obviously upset) my Mother told me she didn't have time to talk to me... you just wouldn't do that would you? or if you HAD to you'd at least call back.. AH HAS told his parents now though (again no details) he has asked them not to contact my parents yet. Interestly he said they weren't surprised. It was that frosty boxing day that gave it away...

sis - it's pretty much the whole family that's private. I guess it's not surprising I am too now. I didn't use to be. I used to really quite outspoken bah (before Arsey Husband). I didn't even notice that going.. I know I need to tell my parents something soon. I have given myself the deadline of early Feb (3 weeks). I just need to find the right time now....

MI - Thanks for asking - I am pretty okay today. I had 6 (yes six!) children at tea time and that pretty much stopped me thinking about it! (good therapy!) I had my report through from SS today too. Very strange reading it all. They were incredibly complementery about me though. I have given it to Malteser Girl to look after as I can't leave it here.

Must get the children to bed.... thanks though. xx

OP posts:
LIZS · 19/01/2004 20:01

vsm

It sounds as if you have really thought this through, by setting yourself deadlines to tell your parents. You may well find that although they are not the best source of support they too will eventually admit that they are not totally surprised. Interesting what his parents are reported to have said, especially as they won't have heard the worst of it.

Remember, people outside your relationship will have assumed in the past that you are game for any criticisms or taunts ah has levelled at you in public. Please don't assume they won't have noticed and felt for you. Your sister, for example, may well have a greater insight than you give her credit for no matter how "nice" ah has appeared.

Sounds like the SS report has given you a confidence boost too. Take care,

JJ · 19/01/2004 20:05

I'm glad and not surprised the SS report was complementary. And 6 kids for tea. Wow!

aloha · 19/01/2004 20:17

Of course it was complimentary. You are a wonderful mother and have at least one wonderful child (can only vouch for one!). I know you won't believe this, but you are honestly doing brilliantly in an appallingly difficult situation. It is hard, and embarrassing and personal and heartwrenching, but you are holding it together (six for tea is DEFINITELY holding it together). Well done to you. Tell yourself how great you are and read that report if you have any doubts at all about what kind of a mother you are. Hopefully your kids will be close to you in a way your mother will never experience. Hugs and positive vibes to you!

motherinferior · 19/01/2004 21:31

Six for tea? Woweeeee!!!!!

Hang on in there, sweetheart.

Roscoe · 19/01/2004 21:47

Good news about the SS report, VSM.

Have a cyber medal for surviving that tea for 6!

sobernow · 19/01/2004 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

verysadmum · 19/01/2004 22:31

I have to add I wasn't the only adult when I had six for tea!! They all played really well though!! (3 2 yr olds & 3 5-6 yr olds).

Thank you all though! I have to say, having spent the last hour or so cleaning out under my stairs (I know how to have fun don't I?) I am feeling really quite good! I've had some music playing and it's been quite theraputic! Just had to share that with you!

See - I'm not always sad! (actually best I've felt for ages!)

VSM xxxxx

OP posts:
princesspeahead · 19/01/2004 22:33

hurrah, vsm. did you sing "I'm gonna wash that man right out from under my stairs" as you did it?
hope you sleep really well tonight. night!

saintshar · 19/01/2004 22:33

See - told you you would have good days as well as bad!

verysadmum · 19/01/2004 22:37

PPH - I should have! No I was singing along to Sugababes 'Round, Round (kicks for free)' & 'Stronger'. VERY appropriate!!

SS - You did indeed (didn't always believe you though!)

VerySmileyMum! xxxxx

OP posts:
Lisa78 · 19/01/2004 22:38

You are doing so well VSM, keep going just a little longer.
And NEVER feel ashamed, NEVER EVER, you are the victim, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of whatsoever

WideWebWitch · 19/01/2004 22:39

Pleased to hear it VSM

verysadmum · 19/01/2004 22:40

Thank you Lisa too! (wish I didn't but I do feel ashamed - not convinced I'll get over that one)

OP posts:
verysadmum · 19/01/2004 22:40

WWW - (yep - more smiles!)

OP posts:
Twinkie · 20/01/2004 09:06

VSM - I didn't give the whole story to my parents and look where that has got me - X2b spun them a huge web of lies - me emotionally and finacially raping him etc.... being a complete victim and I never got a chance to say my piece - you don't want that to happen to you.

At the end of the day marriages fail - 1 in 3 at the last count and going up - if they are living in the dark ages they need to be told that statistic and if I were you I would have no second thoughts about telling them what was happeneing to DS - at the end of the day it would be the best way to get them on your side and may even give them the courage to back you up and help you - it may not but that is a chance you have to take.

You owe him nothing when it comes to loyalty and privacy - you are afterall only telling your parents the truth too - do whatever you can to get support without dragging yourself down to the level where you tell everyone who has ever met you (like my X2b has!!).

If you have to honey show them the social services report and if they still say that you are in the wrong well they don't deserve to be parents to you let alone grandparents to your lovely DS - last night my shrink said to me that I need to let go of my feelings for my parents (well I only have one parent - the stepmonster is not a parent in any guise!!) - I said I don't have any good feelings about them only bad and she said to me that those aren't doing me any good - they are sitting there in my mind slowly rotting - it is true I am so bloody angry with them!!

DP has said that he won't let our children have anything to do with them - which is a relief - I don't intend to even speak to them again - and now I feel a little calmer - he is behind me and to be honest that is all I need.

Sorry for digressing but if your parents can't stand up for you and DS and what has been done to you well IMHO they aren't wortht he worry time and effort - it is almost as hard to let go of a parent as it is a child but to me that parent should have feelings for you that no other human can beat - I am sure no one will feel the amount love I have for my DD, as her mother - and if they don't well that says it all.

Sorry to sound so down about it but you deserve more and so do DS and DD - you have all of us and we will support you in everything that you do - the people who don't well just for a while give yourself time without them in your life - realise how much easier it is to not live with someone's dissappointment - not that they won't feel it still but it is cathartic to think 'Oh fuck off - this has/is happening and I don't give a damn what you think or feel cause it isn't happening to you' - easy to say but hard to do.

I do hope things get better for you and you carry on being strong - you are doing great - I am sooo proud of you still.

I promise we will meet up soon and do something fun - I was in the park on Sunday but didn't see you!!

Jollymum · 20/01/2004 21:37

Hi VSM-sorry haven't been around, been v busy. Got your e-mail but having read through posts, wow, you've been busy. Just to let you know I'm still here for you. You can e-mail me whenever (and I hope you wrote my phone number down?!) and TELL your parents. Some people can't cope with bad news, maybe especially older people 'cos in the "olden" days, you didn't have problems, you just got on with it! Your parents may never accept what you tell them, but if you tell them your side of the story, they haven't got a leg to stand on if your AH comes the old sympathy routine. How are his parents taking it (maybe you don't see them?) but if that was my son and his "problems" I'd firstly be ashamed of him and secondly be asking him what I could do to help him get out of the shitty mess he'd got himself and the family in!

Loads of love, be strong and keep postingXXX

verysadmum · 21/01/2004 13:56

Twinkie - Didn't make it to the park. I tried to cancel completely (really did not want to see him after the crappy Friday night) but he wouldn't let me so he came here for a couple of hours instead. Joy oh Joy! Perhaps it's just as well we didn't go the park - you'd have had to meet him and restrain yourself!! Would be lovely to meet up again. I am thinking of you at a lot at the moment (I have been following your posts too) and I pray that you get the news you deserve tomorrow.

JollyMum - His parents don't know the details - I can be 100% sure he wouldn't have told them!! According to ah they didn't ask but I'm not sure I believe that. You would ask your son, wouldn't you?

I had an okay day yesterday. I got a flat tyre though in the morning.. another £73 gone.

I'm still feeling alright though, esp considering the arsey one is due over later - at least I can try and catch up on some stuff whilst he's entertaining them (I have nothing to say to him - well except f**k off! but that might not go down very well!).

I must go and make some enquiries about money now - and how to get some!!

Vsm xxxxx

OP posts:
aloha · 21/01/2004 22:16

Listen to wise old Twinkie, VSM. Twinkie knows what she is talking about!

Take care of yourself. Was thinking of you today.

xxxx

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