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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

VSM is cross!!! (sorry)

123 replies

verysadmum · 11/01/2004 19:31

Having been out all day I have come back to find that my h has been here!!!! He knew I wouldn't be in.

Being paranoid about this (I have suspected before) I set little traps... he was definitely here.

I am right to be really cross? After all it is his house too.....

TIA xx

OP posts:
aloha · 17/01/2004 12:48

Oh no! What a horrible, vindictive thing to do. You definitely need to call that solicitor and the CSA - they can give you advice. Also call the bank and ask what is going on. I'm not sure exactly what your position is from reading this but you do need to move fast now, sadly.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

xxx

Roscoe · 17/01/2004 12:51

VSM - if you work you should be able to claim Tax Credits. You can apply online by going to the Inland Revenue website, Alternatively you could just use the site to calculate what you would be entitled to and then phone the IR for an application form. On a short-term basis you could try talking to the bank about arranging/extending an overdraft facility to tide you over until you get what you are entitled to.

Loobie · 17/01/2004 13:59

VSM Im sorry Im not sure if you work or not,if not go to your local job centre on monday morning and get them to calculate what you are entitled to.You will get income support and /or tax credits of some kind,if you are working you will still get taz credits and at a different rate to what you were getting when he was with you.You can also go the dss and apply for an emergency payment to help with the caost of living till things are sorted.Men are such prats,does he just not care that you may be unable to feed your (and his)children,silly question cause his actions show he doesnt.
Take care and hang in there he is trying to make things hard for you so you crumble,be strong and show him you dont need him (even if sometimes you feel you do).

rainbow · 17/01/2004 14:08

I take it from the other posts you and hubby are separated. yes? ok.

Confront him VSM. Only why you can settle this in your own head. Change the locks or get his key back. Doesn't matter if it's his house too if he doesn't live there he has no right to enter. You would not accept your landlord walking in because he wanted to.

rainbow · 17/01/2004 14:10

On the phone or by letter not face to face.

Original poster
verysadmum · 17/01/2004 17:09

I have decided to cancel the day out tomorrow. I desperately don't want to see him.

I might even brave B&Q tomorrow to buy some new locks instead!!!

Malteser girl popped over to help my tdy my lounge this afternoon (and a coffee!). I feel so much better for that! I have even hoovered now you'll be pleased to know!

Tonight, I am going to have some wardrobe therapy and claim some new space. What's left after I threw most of it out the door (into puddles I'll add...) I'm going to box up for when I see him next. There is always a postive side.

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Roscoe · 17/01/2004 17:15

Maltesers - you sound like a real sweetheart.

VSM - Good luck with the B&Q shopping! xx

2PacketsofMaltesers · 17/01/2004 17:26

I have a honeycomb centre

Roscoe · 17/01/2004 17:28
Grin
Lisa78 · 17/01/2004 18:18

Can't think of a word rude enuf to describe him VSM
This time, make sure you get locks that you can wire into the mains

iota · 17/01/2004 18:31

vsm - good news that someone was able to get round and give you a helping hand. Well done on the hoovering - at least you didn't have to clean cat pee off it first.
Catch you later
iota

Original poster
verysadmum · 17/01/2004 18:47

Lisa - Ar$e, b***d, kn0b.. They spring to mind straight away..

OP posts:
Lisa78 · 17/01/2004 18:55

ruder

Original poster
verysadmum · 17/01/2004 21:43

I have just called AH to try and cancel tomorrow.

To sum half an hour up...
I am manipulative, malicous, a b*h, a cow, a man-hater and I'm trying to suck him dry... apparentely. Oh and I'm black mailing him too... (er how?).

He on the other has just blackmailed me and won.
He said that if I didn't let him see the children in the morning then he would go straight round to talk to my parents.... He is coming over at 10.30 for 2 hrs. He wont try anything though - I'm sure of it.

BTW he also said his solicitor recommended that he stopped all money to me. I can't actually believe she'd have actually said that. He has agreed to now pay the council tax and water rates but the utility bills will remain my responsibility... When I asked what we were supposed to live on (i.e. no other money to come in, in the immediate future) he said that if I was insisting on forcing the violence issue then he needed all his money to save up a deposit on a place. He still claims that it wasn't a big issue (well it was to me).

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!! (just needed to let off a little steam)...

OP posts:
princesspeahead · 17/01/2004 21:51

Vsm, he will be able to hold that threat of going to see your parents over you until your parents find out. If they find out from him, they will (a) be upset and (b) have his side of the story before yours and it will put you on the back foot. You need all the support that you can get - I know you have said that they will be upset and take his side etc - but will they REALLY do so if they know not only that he has been violent to you, but that he has also stopped supporting you and the children such that you don't know how you are going to manage?
I really do think that you should tell your parents before he does. They WILL support you - they must - and he won't be able to use that to make you do things that you don't want to do. And you won't be so alone. Please?

Original poster
verysadmum · 17/01/2004 21:59

I so wish I could talk to my parents but I honestly can't and the timing is appalling (for them). I nearly called them this morning but I'm glad I didn't as my mother rang durung the day to off load some problems (that aren't actually her problems). This is exactly it. She wont take it well and she will expect lots of support but not give it. It will honestly make it worse.

I know I need to tell them something and soon but I have no idea where to start and where to stop.

Thanks though PPH. xx

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 17/01/2004 22:04

I agree with PPH - he shouldn't be allowed to hold this over you. Btw, I can think of far ruder words to describe him but can't use them here. At the very least though, he's a liar and a bully. I don't think you should go tomorrow either, I think you should tell your parents that he was violent towards you and your children and ask for their support. If they don't want to/can't give it then at least he can't carry on using this to blackmail you. I hope you don't go tomorrow but if you do please make it somewhere public.

Original poster
verysadmum · 17/01/2004 22:08

He's coming over here. He has a thing about money now and doesn't want to pay to go anywhere.. It should be fine though. I think he knows if he tries anything funny he's basically had it. I shall use the time to catch putting washing away... (pile is to my waist!)...

OP posts:
Lisa78 · 17/01/2004 22:10

VSM, I agree, tell your parents - believe me, I do understand how you feel on this issue, I could write a book on the monster that is my mother. Could you perhaps write to them, explaining you can't tell them face to face - that way you can phrase things exactly how you want. Or is there a third party who could tell them for you?
I agree with the others, he will blackmail you with this again and again. I appreciate that you feel they won't support you, but by not telling them, they aren't supporting you now either - you have nothing to lose. Worst case scenario, they take his side - well they aren't exactly on your side now so you don't lose anything. Best case scenario, they may just surprise you. Middle case scenario, the !"£$%^&*( man can't hold this over you - go for it girl!

princesspeahead · 17/01/2004 22:11

I'm really sorry to hear that VSM - you deserve much better from your mother. I hope that when you do tell her she surprises you with her reaction.
But if you don't want to tell her and are worried about her immediate reaction - do you have any siblings? Or anyone else - a close childhood friend who knows your mother - who could sit her down and tell her what is going on, and also read her the riot act about providing you with support etc? It may be that her initial reaction would be as you fear, but once she has a few facts pointed out to her by a neutral party, and has a chance to collect her thoughts, she will be there for you?
Just trying to think what might help - I can't bear the thought of that w*anker bullying you in this way on top of everything else. And I also can't bear the thought of you having to hide this from your family who should be there for you 100%...

princesspeahead · 17/01/2004 22:12

cross posted with lisa, who is saying exactly the same as me! great minds... will that 3rd party idea work?

Original poster
verysadmum · 17/01/2004 22:20

That's not a bad idea PPH. My sister knows we are seperating but I haven't spoken to her for about 10 days (bar a 1 min call on Tues) and she doesn't know the details. I have tried to convince her that we have just 'grown apart'. I think she accepts that. She is no longer on good terms with my parents though (I am on okay terms) due to a recent incident.

It just seems to be harder to tell them but I know something has to be said soon. You may not have read but a week ago (or so) I did hint to my Mum that we were having problems.. nothing's been asked since..

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 17/01/2004 22:21

and good idea Lisa too!!

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 17/01/2004 22:22

I still have them to lose... at least they're still talking to me now.

OP posts:
Lisa78 · 17/01/2004 22:28

Why don't you ask your sister to tell them - I know you said they aren't speaking but it may be an opportunity for her to build bridges with them.

Just curious - and ignore me if I am being too nosey - but why are you sheilding him by letting people think you have grown apart?

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