VSM is cross!!! (sorry)

[verysadmum]

Having been out all day I have come back to find that my h has been here!!!! He knew I wouldn't be in.

Being paranoid about this (I have suspected before) I set little traps... he was definitely here.

I am right to be really cross? After all it is his house too.....

TIA xx

Because I face them knowing. I am incredibly ashamed about it all.

I may have spoken about it (lots) on here but that is it..

CAN'T face even...

I'll go and tell them for you.

Thanks 0packetsofmaltesersleft. Seriously, thanks. I just don't know how to begin. Btw Mum, you know my husband, the one you really like (more than me) well..... I'm almost shaking just thinking about it. I think perhaps I should tell them (that we're having time apart maybe?) and you could be waiting with the wine?

YOU have nothing to be ashamed of
He does
And so do your parents for making you feel you can't turn to them
Maltesers, make that lots of wine!

I do though. For allowing it to happen to me...

Yep. I agree. Lots of wine! Has to be better than this 'orrible white port stuff I've just found...

But you didn't allow it to happen to you, you got shot of him as soon as you could.

Please tell them - if you can't, ask someone to do it for you or at least accompany you. You don't have to say why but I fear that if you don't it will play into h's hands if they ask him/he then tells them his "side". Can you not say that you feared for the safety of the kids or at least the effects the breakdown was having on them. Do they know he drinks ? It is surely now more a matter of when they find out, rather than if, as I doubt your ds is going to be able to stop himself telling them at some point, may be in the heat of the moment, and that would not be good for anyone.

If they do as you fear and take his side then at very least it is one less threat he can level at you. At the end of the day they stand to lose you and their grandchildren if they cannot see past his front.

Remember - This is not your fault. h has screwed up on more than one occasion. You have taken the steps to stop it. PMA

Good luck

VSM, I agree that you have to tell them, if only to give him one less thing to blackmail you with. Can you practice by telling your sister first? Even if she's not close to your parents, it will give you someone to talk to who knows you and your parents well. And if things turn out like you fear, she'll sympathise and understand.

I think you don't need to tell them the whole story, but do need to say that he's been violent to you and your son. Don't feel you have to keep explaining to them the particulars and maybe decide in advance that they will be left with unanswered questions. You don't have to relive it for them.

Honestly, the sooner you do it, the better, I think. It seems to be a source of dread for you and, no matter what happens, at least that will be gone. And have the sweet 2Pax waiting with wine when you get home.

It is a HUGE source of dread.

I think I'm going to start by saying that ah has moved out to give us some space to sort things out. Well it's not far off! I really, really don't want them (or anyone else for that matter) knowing the details.. I can cope with it better that way.

They do know he like a drink but most do occasionally, don't they? I don't think they realise the quantity.

Thanks. I'd better log off as he'd due round quite soon... vsm xxxx

I meant to add - I got 6 hours sleep last night!!!!!

best of luck, vsm. why don't you try and write a letter to your sister explaining it all - including reference to his drinking and violence - you don't have to send it. But if nothing else, trying to put it down on paper will help you to understand what is bad about the relationship, why it has to end, and why it is IN NO WAY your fault. Then you can get it out and read it when you are feeling confused. It will also help you to formulate the words for when you come to tell people what has happened. And if, once you have written it, you think "yes, THIS is the truth and THIS is what I want my family to know", then you can send it to your sister. And maybe get her to show it to your mother....

I'm SURE that your mother does not prefer your sh (that is "shithole" husband!) to you, I'm sure that given the facts she will be there for you, but maybe doing it in stages like this will make it easier?

thinking of you at the moment with your sh there, hope you are feeling strong and whizzing through that ironing pile...! xx

Lisa78 puts it perfectly.
You tell them
Worst case - they back him against you - not only does this make them bad people - but this is more likely to happen if he tells them first
Middle: They don't support you - no change. But he can no longer blackmail you.
Best: they support you.

You really have nothing to lose - though I know how hard it is for you. The very worst thing is that your ex is using this to blackmail you. That HAS to stop. It's appalling.

And it's definitely time to change the locks. If he can cut you off without a penny, you can change the locks.

I may not need to change the locks.... I sneaked his out of his pocket earlier!!! Hopefully he will think he's lost them...

My sister has just backed him... I still couldn't bl**dy tell her though... She said whilst she is my sister... she feels very sorry for HIM having to 'camp' in another house whilst having to 'scape by'.... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

but vsm, that is because you haven't shared any of the salient details with her! You aren't doing yourself any favours that way. If all you are telling people is "we've decided to spend some time apart - he is on the floor of a friend's house" then they will think "poor bloke - she could at least have let him stay in the spare room until he sorted himself out". If you tell people "he has moved out because he has repeatedly been violent towards me and the children, and drinking heavily, I can't risk sharing a house with him any more. It isn't easy particularly as he is not providing us with any cash and has frozen my cards, but I need to protect the children." - well that is a completely different kettle of fish. Surely you don't think your sister will take his side after that? You don't REALLY believe that, do you? VSM I would really and truly invite your sister around by herself after the children have gone to bed, tell her to bring a bottle of wine because you need to talk to her and it will definitely require alcohol (to warn her that something is up) and then sit down and have a huge heart to heart. Also you can talk to her about the fears you have about your mums reaction, and she, of all people in the world, will be able to let you know what she thinks about that.

Could you do that?

He has a spare room in a house - not a floor (just to clarify).

I know I should.. it actually makes me feel sick at the thought of someone else knowing though - even more so with my family.

I have never had a heart to heart with my family with anyone at all in it. Friends know more about me than they do.

A part of me would rather they supported him than knew the truth. Wrong as it may sound. I have a huge problem admitting to people this has happened.

I'm going to have to go with 'space' thing to start.. Sorry I'm pathetic I know...

Vsm, Unless you get a police injunction you can't stop him from coming into the house if it is in his name or joint names. The only way that you can get an injunction is to press charges about the violence either against you or the children. If you lock him out he can force entry by breaking down the door or breaking a window and climbing in, he does have to repair any damage he does tho.

Contact the CSA as soon as you can tomorrow, they are very slow and you need to get them moving as soon as possible. They have a crap rule which states that if he gets the form back to them in 8 weeks (I think) he doesn't have to pay for the first month, but at least you will know that it is moving. I left my ah in August 02 and got nothing from them till Janaury 03. When they ask how you want the money paying, there are a few options. Go for the one that says that they collect it on your behalf and pay it to you rather than him paying it directly to you. If you go for direct payment, as I did as it was quicker, if there is a shortfall any month they will not get involved with collecting any arrears, but if you use them as a 'middle man' they will.
Look on the child tax credit thread and there is a link to the Inland Revenue website. Fill an application in as soon as you can for Child tax Credit and Working Families Tax Credit.
Get rid of your savings and don't accumulate any more at all (yes I know, fat chance!) Draw the cash out as quickly as you can without making any major withdrawals and give it to that maltesers woman to store somehwere for you . If you were paying the council tax, I would remind you to claim single persons discout, but as you are not and he is, don't!

Your parents may surprise you, I hope and pray that they do, would your Dad be a better bet to tell than your mum? Dads can stick up for their little girls! Ahoha's advice onthis is very good.

Take care

lil x

posts crossed vsm, I still have never admitted to my Mum that my ex hit me, Dad is dead and I have no siblings, I could never and will never do it. I know just how you feel, it's much easier telling a computer!!

Much, much easier!!

I had actually thought about emailing them.. perhaps not the right way to go about it though when they live close by.

I don't have lots but I have a little money for now. I have just asked Malteser to see whether she can hold it for me.

I hadn't realised the CSA was so slow..

Thanks. xxx

VSM, hang on in there.

God that man is such an *rse, he really is. Words fail me. And they hardly ever do that.

VSM, I can understand not wanting to have a heart to heart with anyone right now. But your sister and your parents need to know why you're separating (your parents need to know that you are separating) and as time goes on, the real reason will come out whether you tell them or not. When that happens, they'll be devastated and confused about the reasons you haven't told them. And, most likely, very hurt that you felt you couldn't go to them.

Can you bring yourself to take up 2Packets offer of telling your sister? If you were my sister, I'd want to know right away and wouldn't mind at all if your friend rang me. It doesn't matter if she doesn't know 2Pax. Thinking about it, this has some advantages over you telling her. It will give her time to digest what's happening and think about how to approach it and 2Packets will be able to answer any questions she has about ways to help.

I know this will sound completely unappealing and you might think it's a cop-out and that you should be the one to tell them. I have to disagree and think it's more important that your sister, at least, knows now. All you will need to do is ring 2Pax and say "Tell my sister. Here's her name. Here's her number." Then get a bottle of wine, sit yourself down in front of the computer and chat away. You will be scared shitless, I know, but then it will be over and done with. You deserve people to support you and they can't if you don't let them know what's happening.

I wish I had something clever to say about feeling ashamed. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I wish I could magic it away for you.

Please call -- just get it over and done with. If your friend is not there, leave a message with your sister's name and phone number.

Thinking of you.

Or email your sister!

Email is a great idea. Emailing your parents sounds good, too.

Can you now see why I 'let' it continue? Okay so it has NEVER been as bad as Oct-Dec BUT I have a HUGE problem letting people 'see' this side of me. Hence the other name on here too...

I get cross with myself about it, believe me.

I'm sorry.