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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

VSM is cross!!! (sorry)

123 replies

verysadmum · 11/01/2004 19:31

Having been out all day I have come back to find that my h has been here!!!! He knew I wouldn't be in.

Being paranoid about this (I have suspected before) I set little traps... he was definitely here.

I am right to be really cross? After all it is his house too.....

TIA xx

OP posts:
Festivefly · 12/01/2004 20:49

Good Luck Vsm, please don't make this a regular occurence

Original poster
verysadmum · 12/01/2004 22:21

Thanks for caring - perhaps I was a bit stupid letting him round at this time by myself.
I'm still here though - I just feel really, really cr@p right now. I will post some more when I've got myself together.

OP posts:
JJ · 12/01/2004 22:37

Sorry you feel crap, but I'm relieved you're ok. Please tell the solicitor absolutely everything tomorrow.. you could even print out these threads and take them in as reminders.

Can't think of a non-trite last line. Please keep going on with this (getting him out of your life). You really have come a long way very quickly. Keep going.

popsycal · 12/01/2004 22:40

Glad you are back vsm - we have been waiting up for you!
Post when you are ready flower

sobernow · 12/01/2004 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lilibet · 12/01/2004 23:09

Hi vsm, been catching up today reading all your posts. Wow!! You really have been thru it haven't you? Please post soon and let us know that you are ok?

Festivefly · 12/01/2004 23:17

Vsm, hope your alright it stinks truly when you are left after they have been. You will feel a bit better when he stops and you lay down the rules. I promise you won't feel as weak and that you are taking a bit of your strength and confidence back.

Festivefly · 13/01/2004 00:08

Goodnight vsm, just thought i'd have one last look before bed to see if you had posted. I hope your asleep and everything is a bit better, that you don't feel as cr@p x

Original poster
verysadmum · 13/01/2004 00:11

Well we spoke anyway.. about quite a lot.

At first he was being really nice and even brought me over a chinese (he rightly knew I wouldn't have eaten). Lost my appetite as soon as we started 'talking' though. He kept on going from really upset (and I even got my first apology!!!!!!) to cross and yes to aggressive (at this point I wondered what I'd done saying he could come over). We spoke about divorce and how he wants to put our house on the market now (I said no) and we spoke about the subject I'd been dreading most... access.

I told him that I wasn't sure how stable he was at the moment and for the moment I think it would be good for us 'all' to see each other and take it from there. So he is next coming over on Sunday morning. He has also agreed to always call before coming over. I am going to get some extra locks anyway as I'm feeling a bit vulnerable atm.

We also spoke about drink and how he might give up - I suggested he contacted the GP or someone like AA who could give him the support he needs. He's not an alcoholic but depends on it too much to 'unwind'.

My ds woke up whilst we were 'talking' which I feel awful about. He wouldn't go back to sleep without me - in the end he did but in my bed (I said he could).

I think this would be so much easier if I really did hate him (ah). I don't love him but I still care for him... it just feels so painful still.

You'll never realise how much your support means to me - thank you again . VSM. xx

OP posts:
mammya · 13/01/2004 01:32

Glad you're OK VSM. ((((hugs))))

sobernow · 13/01/2004 07:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 13/01/2004 08:43

VSM, you're amazing. Keep going, girl. Hope the solicitor goes well too.

RE the booze: I've lived with two blokes whom at the time I didn't think of as alcoholics, just men who drank too much to unwind. In retrospect I think they were alcoholics. Good on you for suggesting he tackles it. MIxxxxx

deegward · 13/01/2004 18:49

VSM today was the day wasn't it with the solicitor? Hope all went well, you are doing so well so far.

Take care

Original poster
verysadmum · 13/01/2004 22:18

Yes, it was today!!

I made it just in time.. (story of my life it seems at the moment). My dd had to come with me though and as we walked through the door she yelled and yelled then laid on the floor kicking and screaming... Fantastic start. Unfortunately the fab mumsnetter who was going to come with me got delayed (not her fault at all) so I had to go in there alone... Eeeek!

The solicitor was really nice and put me at ease and was really good with dd (she then just sat there scoffing raisins and dare I say it twigletts too! - my dd that is) so that was good. It was so horrible having to tell her a few basic details though (and I have to say I'm sure I could see some shock in her eyes). I had written down all the financial ones though so that saved some time.

She seemed to think that an injunction was possible, certainly if anything were to happen at all again then it would be vital. She also seemed to think that given our finances that the house would probably stay ours but that myself and the children could live there until the time that they would be able to leave home.

She did also save that given the size of the case I would be much better going with a company that could offer legal aid as she feels it would prove quite expensive.. this did sadden me a little as I really felt I got on quite well with her and she felt very much on my side..

She said that legally without an injuction I shouldn't change the locks but she went on to say that some people do. As I'm feeling a bit vulnerable here atm I'm going to get some extra locks fitted anyway - security reasons.. obviously.

I met up with my mumsnetter friend after for a quick drink (can I say who you are?) which was really nice as it was good to talk through all the solicitor had said. So thank you! and a huge thank you too to my friend who had ds a bit longer than I'd anticipated and of course all of you too! xx

OP posts:
popsycal · 13/01/2004 22:24

VSM - was thinking about you today (and at 2am this morning too)
Glad you have taken this step.......

JJ · 13/01/2004 22:26

VSM, great to hear it went well. And well done! Relax tonight, have a drink and go to bed at a reasonable hour if you can.

Just got a note saying you got my e-card... and checking to make sure it was you.

Lou33 · 14/01/2004 00:05

Brilliant VSM, well done for going. I hope this makes you feel a bit better. Tiny steps...

motherinferior · 14/01/2004 09:02

Wonderful.

And you may well find if you do get a new solicitor that they're very experienced in this kind of case, you know; my sister used to be a family lawyer, did loads of cases like yours, and almost all of them on legal aid IRCC.

2PacketsofMaltesers · 14/01/2004 09:22

I think that number I gave you may do legal aid.

You're doing fine!

LIZS · 14/01/2004 09:45

So relieved for you that it went well. Could this solicitor recommend someone who could take your case with Legal Aid perhaps ?

You sound more positive with every step you take and it is great that you have such supportive friends.

Take care

Original poster
verysadmum · 15/01/2004 00:24

Yes the solicitor recommended a couple and I'm going to call Maltesers one too. I need to get on top of this.

I had a call this evening - music blasting down the phone. Someone was obviously there. It was loud, distorted music. It may not have been him but it's got me being jumpy - more than usual.

I really must try and get some sleep. I am just so tired..

Thanks again, me xx

OP posts:
LIZS · 17/01/2004 11:18

vsm,

I'm writing here cos I caught up with some of your thread at the bar last night but wasn't sure you'd return there.

If your h has visited a solicitor then do please remember he will only have given his side of the story and any advice would have been based on his half-truths, if that. I think you need to be formally told of the withdrawal of cards etc (although in my Mums case the letter arrived after her card was refused) but I cannot believe any genuine solicitor would have advised him to cut you and the children off without a penny to live on. I'm sure if the solicitor knew of SS involvement he would also be far more cautious.

Have you managed to find a Legal Aid solicitor yet as it sounds rather more pressing than previously.

Hope you feel better this morning and do take care,

motherinferior · 17/01/2004 11:22

Thank you Liz, I was thinking along the same lines but didn't quite know what to say.

VSM, you're entitled to support for your kids. Any solicitor should agree. Take care.

Original poster
verysadmum · 17/01/2004 12:36

I shouldn't be surprised that he's done this at all... the more I think about the more cross I get with him. I have a little money (in my name and going down all the time) and that's it. What am I supposed to buy food, nappies, petrol etc with? Let alone pay the bills next month???? I can't believe he's actually done this to us.

I have some time on Tuesday when I can make some calls.

Obviously a solicitor, the CSA but who else should I contact? Does anyone know please?

I must go and get us dressed....

OP posts:
2PacketsofMaltesers · 17/01/2004 12:41

The Working Tax Credit people? CAB?