I found out yesterday, he's had an affair. Sympathetic advice needed.

[NotAVictim]

Well I guess the title explains the thread. You'll have to excuse my clumsiness, I'm new here. Been reading and hovering for a while,but now am after some help, advice and support and no idea where to turn.

About 4 weeks ago I became suspicious that my husband was cheating on me. I had no proof, but my gut instincts were that something wasn't right, when he deleted a whole load of texts/call history from his phone before handing it to me as I wanted to look on it for a particular app. I also found a condom in his wallet about that time (he told me it had been in there for ages, since before we were trying to conceive our son, I'm not convinced it had been).... Two days ago, his phone bill came. Hundreds of pounds(!) of calls all to one mobile number. So I did the obvious and called it. My world is now shattered. He assures me that it's never been physical, that he's never met the OW. They met in a chat room, and exchanged details and its only been a month.

I am struggling to get my head around this. He has apologized and said he wants to be with me. He has deleted her details from his phone. I have said I am not leaving, and I have said that if he really does love me and want to still be with me I will try to work past this with him. We have a 3 year old son. We have been together 17 years and have been married for 8... i don't want to walk away from all that without a damn good fight for the future that we planned before he f**d it all up.

I am so angry, hurt..... devastated.

I would love some advice. He has agreed to go to Relate, and I was fortunate to get an appointment for tonight, so there's no backing out of that now.

I really would ask that people who wish to post "I should walk away and leave" refrain from adding those messages to the reply. I have made the decision to stay and try (not to say that it will end that way, but I feel I owe it to my son, if it all ends to be able to honestly say that I did everything I could to save my marriage)

I want advice on how to stop myself screaming at him every time I see him. I am so so hurt. I want to know know how to figure out where I start from. I want to know how other people in a similar situation have worked past this, and how to deal with the families. My family are refusing to speak to him as he lied to me 4 weeks ago when I asked him if was cheating then (and I defined cheating to him, and told him I felt that texts/calls and hiding things was as much cheating as a physical encounter). My in-laws have phoned him to say "they are on his side".... I feel like screaming at my family that "It's my decision to stay and that refusing to talk to my husband now, only impacts on my state of mind and my son" and screaming at my in-laws that "there shouldn't be sides!"

Sorry it's such a long post, I appreciate the time it would take to read.

Ellie x (Not my real name, but I felt like I needed to sign out)

Op I remember briefly feeling like you do at first. The shock and fear I felt at the thought of life alone and without him that all I could think about was trying to keep things together. I vaguely remember being quite needy and almost apologetic for his affair and telling friends that he was depressed and that I'd not been very nice lately etc. I cringe when I look back but I was do frightened.
However as the days passed and like you I was told not to keep asking questions and that I needed to get over it, a funny thing happened.
I realised that I was more unhappy,uncertain,anxious,suspicious and sad than I would be if I ended things. I knew that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life worrying and trying to be enough for him not to cheat again.
I told him it was over and remember feeling so relieved. All the self doubt and shame went and I suddenly felt feisty and strong and fabulous. Yes my husband had had an affair but I had kicked the fecker to the kerb and I had nothing but self respect. Even the stupid ow would be shocked I wasn't fighting her for him.
We were together from 20 and for 18 yrs. I had four kids one a baby, big mortgage, shift work job and had had breast cancer.
You know what else? I had a ball.
I am a totally different person now and a fab strong example for my children.
You are frightened shocked and sad. Allow some anger and realism through into your thoughts and you may see things differently.
You are stronger than you think.

It's not uncommon for perpetrators in this situation to have an additional mobile phone, sorry.

He's gone. We talked. He told me it was just a friendship, there was never a sexual nature to the conversation. I asked him to leave. He phoned his mum. His mum screamed at me (his brother screamed at him) we talked some more. I asked a lot of questions, he gave some more answers always the same. I asked him to write down his email passwords etc, he told me I knew them all. I asked to see his phone and he wouldn't let me have a look. I kicked him out.

How are you feeling now? Don't forget we are just strangers on the Internet. This is your life a d thus your decisions to make.

Honestly. Awful. If he'd have handed me his phone willingly, I'd have believed every word. What do I do next? I am worried about him, he needs regular medication and he's gone without it... Guilty feeling about that.

His mum bawled you out? Let her sort his medicine out.

You try and get some sleep.

Sorry - have lurked and I see the regular posters aren't about to give you their good advice.

Put his meds in a double wrapped carrier bag outside the door and text him to tell him you have done that. Then turn your phone off or if you have a way to block calls and texts from his number, do that instead. Turn the house phone off but tell your mum first what you are doing or she'll worry if she needs to reach you and can't.

Lock your dooors and leave the key in the lock on the inside. He may not be abusive but he also needs to know you mean business.

I'm posting now because he didnt let you see his phone and that should tell you all you need to know about his willingness to make your marriage work.

I am so very sorry that this is happening to you.

I am the last person to say LTB but I really really think you have done the right thing by telling him to go now.

We have talked, for over an hour, I suspect my sister in law has had a pop at him, but I think I have gotten all the truth now. It's No Where Near as bad as I was thinking it would be. He definitely has not met the OW. He did meet her in a chat room, he told me which one. He has never met her, and had no plans to. He has recognised he has an addiction to his mobile.phone that is causing problems. He didnt want me to see his phone because he had downloaded some porn, which I have an issue with, and knew it would upset me. I think he knows how foolish he's been with this. He has told me that the ow was just company and flirting no that it went no further. He is going to get his number changed(!)

Is that alright then? Is he coming home, all-forgiven?

It's no surprise he's a porn user but that really isn't why he didn't show you his phone.

The stuff he's deleted will tell a very different story, of that I've got no doubt. But his past phone bills would be interesting to see, because I think this has been going on longer than you think, or he is telling you.

Ultimately it's up to you whether you choose to believe him and stay with him, but his behaviour and that of his mother's would make me want to get away.

No he's not coming home all forgiven, he's coming home tonight to put our little boy to bed and I have told him we have lots more to talk about before this is even close to sorted. I am still
Very hurt and angry that he was even talking to another woman and that he didn't need someone else if he was lonely when I was here and he should have been talking to me. I still want to see his phone and call logs and he still has a lot of work to do to. He's got to start by giving me his is phone when I ask regardless of what is on there, and until he does that I will not consider letting him back home.

He was flirting but it was not sexual?
It was a friendship requiring hundreds of pounds of your family's money?
You explicitly asked him one month ago if something was going on. Nothing was - but he subsequently decided to do exactly what you had told him not to?
Whatever else is there, I don't know, but there is zero respect for you.
Stay strong and you can change your mind at any time.
When people suggest he should go, which is something you have asked people not to say, it is often not a forever suggestion, but to give him an idea of what he has done.
He is still minimising, still not being open to you, still, it appears, not giving a shit.

Well done so far but in order for you both to move on you must insist on total transparency from him. Be careful about believing what you want to believe and not the actual truth. And make him leave tonight. He needs to feel what life would be like without you should he choose to cheat again

You are doing really well, I know how hard it must have been to tell him to go.

I am not surprised at the porn either - there is a strong link between porn and infidelity, often via webcam/chat sites. If you decide to rebuild the marriage, you both need to address the use of porn.

Not handing over the phone tells me he is still lying to you, sorry. I would tell him to stay away - until he chooses to show he is committed to repairing the damage he has caused.

I really hope you are not having his family over New Year. They have treated you dreadfully and you deserve an apology.

He's been having a physical affair. Why else would he have a condom on him? Sorry, if that is blunt but I think you are trying to move on without really facing up to what or who you are moving on with.

See your doctor because you mental health is vital. I wish you all the luck in the world.

I agree you seem to be ignoring the issue of the condom. Do you believe him that he's been carrying around a random contraceptive for four years?

You seem very sure that they have done nothing except chat and that there was no sexual aspect to these conversations. Can I ask why you are so sure he is telling the truth? I can't speak for everyone of course but I would have thought it highly unusual to have hours and hours of telephone conversations with someone you have never met and are not close to in either a family or sexual sense. I can't imagine doing it, and I would have thought it even more unlikely for a man. What does your OH say they talked about for all this time?

Also, re. the phone, just my opinion but whether you have an issue with porn or not, if I was your OH and facing the possible breakdown of my marriage, I would have shown you the phone anyway, porn or no porn, because your marriage is the bigger deal.

Not many adults text or call their partners multiple times a day unless they are in the first flush of love or having a domestic crisis or bored at home or the workplace. It's the thrill of secrecy plus a new flirtation that makes someone who's met someone shiny and new rack up a bill of £100s' worth of calls a month, "popping out to buy chocolate" or sitting in their car or at their desk at work.

If they hadn't met, why prolong the calls? If it was so casual and just phone contact and not at risk of developing, why delete so much? Why go to the bother of squashing your concerms and lying his head off to your mum and sister?

What about credit card bills, bank statements. You may find some "proof" of them actually meeting up on there. I am sure this was more than just chatting and texting. He at least had the intent to meet at some point if he had the condom ready and waiting.
I really feel for you OP especially at this time of year but l think you are being fed a lot of shite by your H. He is only telling you things that you can prove and is not admitting more than this.
Your ILs are revolting.

I'm sorry this must be overwhelming. Posters are simply pointing out the massive inconsistencies in his story which will prevent you from moving on.
He sounds very convincing but it doesn't add up.
As for "he has an addiction to his mobile phone" this is too bizarre. I'm afraid it is the person he has been contacting on his mobile phone that is his addiction, not the phone itself.

Please believe us, like Skye wrote so well, that we know what you are going through. The shock, the disbelief, the clinging to the connection he is who you remember, your inability to take in that he has shown a part that doesn't care about you - that is secret. AND he is still protecting it.

We know.

What we are telling you is because we have been there. I made the same mistakes as you. Like Skye after me I clung and begged. What a mistake.

So when we are pointing out that he is lying and not being open, it isn't because we are being mean. It is because we have lived through it before you. He WILL try and get away with this, and he is relying on you to believe him so he can.

And why will he try and get away with this? Because he doesn't want to look at himself, or feel shame, or think about how hurt you are, or that he isn't the man he thought he was. He does't want to think about lies and deceit and what love really means. He doesn't want to look inside himself and examine how he got to be like this, or think this way.

He wants an easy life. Which is to have her to make him feel good, and have you cook his dinners and tell him what to do.

He does NOT want to grow up. And will resist all efforts of you 'giving him a hard time'.

So, when did you start noticing he was changing? When you noticed is when it all started.

Sorry for you OP What was the expiry date on the condom?

Is it possible he was phoning a 'premium line number' for phone sex? (that would explain the huge cost. Also, his embarrassment of telling you the truth (as he clearly isn't) and it also justifies his repeated statements of not having met the woman etc... it would make some sort of sense. Maybe?

Hope you are doing ok.

Sweetheart, you are shortchanging yourself at least twofold here

You are allowing him to minimise what he has done, dripfeed only what he knows you are likely to believe and letting his family interfere

Also, because you only want a certain type of advice from people, you are not getting the full MN experience. Which is harsh, difficult to hear, doesn't allow you to rationalise the shit your husband is feeding you but above all is the truth of the matter

You are not ready to face the truth ? Fair enough. But one day, you will be forced to and it won't be on your own terms.