I found out yesterday, he's had an affair. Sympathetic advice needed.

[NotAVictim]

Well I guess the title explains the thread. You'll have to excuse my clumsiness, I'm new here. Been reading and hovering for a while,but now am after some help, advice and support and no idea where to turn.

About 4 weeks ago I became suspicious that my husband was cheating on me. I had no proof, but my gut instincts were that something wasn't right, when he deleted a whole load of texts/call history from his phone before handing it to me as I wanted to look on it for a particular app. I also found a condom in his wallet about that time (he told me it had been in there for ages, since before we were trying to conceive our son, I'm not convinced it had been).... Two days ago, his phone bill came. Hundreds of pounds(!) of calls all to one mobile number. So I did the obvious and called it. My world is now shattered. He assures me that it's never been physical, that he's never met the OW. They met in a chat room, and exchanged details and its only been a month.

I am struggling to get my head around this. He has apologized and said he wants to be with me. He has deleted her details from his phone. I have said I am not leaving, and I have said that if he really does love me and want to still be with me I will try to work past this with him. We have a 3 year old son. We have been together 17 years and have been married for 8... i don't want to walk away from all that without a damn good fight for the future that we planned before he f**d it all up.

I am so angry, hurt..... devastated.

I would love some advice. He has agreed to go to Relate, and I was fortunate to get an appointment for tonight, so there's no backing out of that now.

I really would ask that people who wish to post "I should walk away and leave" refrain from adding those messages to the reply. I have made the decision to stay and try (not to say that it will end that way, but I feel I owe it to my son, if it all ends to be able to honestly say that I did everything I could to save my marriage)

I want advice on how to stop myself screaming at him every time I see him. I am so so hurt. I want to know know how to figure out where I start from. I want to know how other people in a similar situation have worked past this, and how to deal with the families. My family are refusing to speak to him as he lied to me 4 weeks ago when I asked him if was cheating then (and I defined cheating to him, and told him I felt that texts/calls and hiding things was as much cheating as a physical encounter). My in-laws have phoned him to say "they are on his side".... I feel like screaming at my family that "It's my decision to stay and that refusing to talk to my husband now, only impacts on my state of mind and my son" and screaming at my in-laws that "there shouldn't be sides!"

Sorry it's such a long post, I appreciate the time it would take to read.

Ellie x (Not my real name, but I felt like I needed to sign out)

Also agree with hot choc above....
You must be feeling so fragile.
Xx

For people who stayed with their partners to work this out, do you feel you can trust your partner? Do you sit and panic when they phone to say they'll be late home? Or do you reach a point where you can trust again? I don't know what to do about this situation as he's sworn that it was all calls and texts, I can't demand he gives me his phone all the time, as all that will do is make him delete everything he doesn't want me to see, surely?

Yes, it can be done but only if the betrayer has:

• shown 100% honesty and admitted everything, answered questions over and over again. His stories should be backed up by emails, internet history, texts, phone bills etc so you know if he is telling the truth.

• cut all ties with OW, taken steps to prevent future contact - e,g deleting FB/MSN accounts, blocking mobile numbers etc.

• Looked at himself to find out what issues/flaws he has that made him think having an affair was the answer to his problems and then work on addressing these.

You can't monitor him as only he can control his choices but you should expect transparency.

If he still refuses to admit the truth - your only option I'm afraid is to tell him to leave as you cannot stay with someone who continues to lie and mess with your head. I would buy him Linda MacDonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal, its a short hard hitting book.

So sorry op. Hundreds of pounds on the phone bill? Don't most contracts include loads of minutes? I'd be asking him how he managed to spend that amount.

I'd also be asking myself how I could ever forgive someone who was prepared to see me go on unnecessary medication just so he could continue his little dalliance

And remember that those hundreds of pounds is FAMILY money...

Know you'll be at work, trying to function normally. Sorry to hear of your unwelcome discovery.

If your husband is genuinely remorseful and accepts full responsibility, he won't object to answering any questions you have ad infinitum. If he hopes you will STFU and let it rest he is unlikely to leave off contacting OW or someone new when the dust settles.

I worry he was quite coolly trying to use your medical history to allay your fears. The deluded person is the one who thinks they're somehow entitled to ride roughshod over their partner's feelings and contrive a reality that suits them. Less "mid-life crisis", more behaving like a scumbag.

Even if he stopped short of making it a physical affair, £100s of calls equates to his time and family money invested elsewhere. As you say it's impossible to police him out of your sight. As easily as he made those calls without you being aware, he can do it again.

You mentioned earlier, there were problems in our marriage before all this. Not unusual in 17 years together, but he must have given himself permission so to speak to do this chat room stunt, had you worked through problems together, did
you feel things had been resolved?

The love/hate thing, if you hadn't loved him all this time you wouldn't hurt so much now. If you had grown indifferent you'd not have raised hell about that phone bill. It might have suited you to ignore, turn a blind eye; some people do.

Devastated as you are, I admire your nn, "NotAVictim". That's a good positive stance.

I have nothing useful to say, but I feel for you. Hugs.

Firstly, I am so sorry this has happened to you- take it one day at a time and look after yourself before making any decisions. You asked upthread if anyone had stayed and could they trust their partner now? From, my own experience, I stayed after an affair 10 years ago (I had been with my H for 13 years at the time of the affair) and it was the worst decision ever- as the trust has gone completely. I only stayed as I was vulnerable ( had a newborn) at the time. For me, full transparency would have been a start but I have never had that from H. The final straw was this year when the OW had a baby and I nearly ran into her at my place of work- my career is my exit out of my dire situation and that fact that she was there nearly broke me again as I was not told my H she was pregnant. So, in conclusion, for me it would have been better to leave 10 years ago (but I suppose it gave me time to make my exit plan) as the sense of betrayal and mistrust has never left me, but for you, you might be able to work through it, given time.

If he changed jobs in recent months, I think it's possible he's lying to you even about who this other person is. It's much more likely to be a new colleague than someone in a chat room. However, for you to even find that plausible indicates that you know he has been spending time on chat rooms/the internet instead of on real life.

You are in shock and it's not the best time to be making any concrete decisions. Added to which this must the worst time of the year to face upheaval on such a large scale. So make no decisions and get through Christmas, then think again.

I went through this many years ago and trust my husband even more than before but that is only because of his actions on discovery and ever since. He did all the 'right things' that are often recommended on here such as his own counselling, buying and reading lots of literature, changing his attitudes and behaviour, initiating and agreeing to endless discussions, but I think there were some specific things that he didn't do that made the difference:

• He didn't lie about the 'big stuff' i.e. who she was, what had happened and when.
• Although he was grumpy and irritable during the affair, in comparison to some of the accounts from others I've read since, he wasn't cruel or nasty to me or expressing any loss of feelings towards me (although I could see they'd changed for a short time).
• He never once tried to persuade me I was being irrational when I complained about his changed behaviour. He said afterwards that it was a shock when I did, as he'd thought that he was compartmentalising. Although he didn't admit an affair at this point, he ended it soon afterwards and 'came back' to our relationship.
• He never once blamed me or even our relationship. He blamed himself completely and saw it as a manifestation of everything he disliked about his character and which he set about changing.

I don't have any faith in Relate, having had friends experience a very bad counsellor there. From what I've heard from others since too, they'll focus too much on your relationship and not the person who has caused the crisis; your husband. We had our own individual counselling with very good independent therapists, but we both waited a while to do that - after the shock had worn off.

My initial advice to you is to prepare for further shocks. It's not unusual for someone to deny an affair when confronted or to minimise what happened, but it takes a particularly selfish and cruel individual to mess with someone's mental health.

By the way, it's very likely that this was a physical relationship and if my own husband had tried to claim otherwise, I would never have believed him. Maybe it's significant that he also said he'd never have even tried to lie about that, because however badly he had behaved, he knew I was no fool and had too much respect for my intelligence.

If you were worried a month ago, and he says it only lasted a month, there's something off here. Your instincts wouldn't have kicked in a nanosecond after the calls began. Either it's been going on longer or it's more than one female or he's built up to it, by distancing himself or acting differently.

All I seem to be doing is thinking... Stewing over details. I managed to get confirmation from O2 about the OW name, they wouldn't confirm the surname for me but they confirmed the first name that my husband had told me, so he's been honest on one count at least. ( not that I'm giving him any credit for this!) I've been through his FB, and a I feel like a bitch, but I have logged into his email account and changed his password. At least if his is still in touch with OW I will know.... (I know this is probably very underhand, and not the done thing)

Ellie

How sure are you that this woman is from a chatroom and not his place of work? Has he mentioned any colleagues of that name?

Have a look at old mobile bills too which will show you when the texting started, although of course the relationship/friendship will have started before that. You don't need to be covert about that either - he should be providing you with those bills.

I haven't experienced what you're going through so ignore this if you want. Would just say, as much as everyone says keep your dignity, it would be understandable if you "stoop" to something you'd normally be ashamed of, given the shock and upset. He isn't exactly in a position to claim the moral high ground. Just don't invest too much energy in the detective work, I know it's killing feeling in the dark about this but he has to come clean. Direct your ire at him, he's the one who betrayed your trust.

YOu don't need to snoop, you need him to give you free access to all the communications, if he refuses then you know he is not being truthful

I've just told him I've changed his password. He hit the roof, but I've taken on board what was said here, and you're right higgle, he needs to give it to me freely without me snooping, so I have told him what I changed the password to.

If he hit the roof that suggests he's still lying. Wrong reaction from him that I hope produces the right one from you. Personally I'd ask him to leave.

He didn't like that did he, don't tell us he called it an invasion of privacy, a betrayal of trust?

I am not saying, disbelieve everything he says. It can knock someone for six if they are used to being in control and suddenly the other person fights back.

You don't sound like a doormat. If he has any respect for you, he will come clean and show by his actions, not just words, that he is sorry.

If he cancels the Relate appointment, don't be surprised. If he goes but stonewalls you, don't be surprised. If you do go together, when hearing him out, don't put words in his mouth or find reasons to excuse him.

He has sent a text today, after I told him he could have his passwords back saying he knows he's messed up, he's asked me to forgive him, he's apologised and says he know he has problems that he needs to work through, but that he wants me and that he is prepared to face up to his problems and get help and listen and respond as a grown up to any demands I make on him, for as long as it takes. He has sworn again that it went no further than chat rooms, texts and calls and has told me when I'm ready he will sit down with me and show me everything if that's what I want..... Am floored all over again

Have you replied?

If not, I wouldn't. I'd let him sweat and talk to him later.

I think he's probably deleted everything. If he's kept it though, you need to see it all. If he's deleted it, you have to think why would anyone do that if it would confirm that he's telling the truth about who she is and what happened....

So he hasn't shown or told you everything so far?

Fantastic post by Nevermindohwell!

So sorry you're going through this Notavictim.

I found out Dp had been cheating back in April. Been together for 17 years, one six year old ds. Been one of the hardest things to deal with but we are still together. Dp did drip feed information initially, he then told me everything three wks later which was of course alot worse than he had initially made out!

Madabout chocolate also gives some great advice on what your dh should be doing to make things work. He certainly shouldn't be going mad at you changing a password! This would set warning bells off for me.

Dp has done everything he can to try and heal the deep wound he has caused. He began by deleting all contacts, blocking and the most important for me was to change his mobile number (my friend actually suggested this to me) as even though he had deleted the ow numbers they still had his!!

Be kind to yourself. This will be a huge roller coaster of emotions.

I've got to dash out but will be back on later.

Take care x

I know that someone else has said this, but the Shirley Glass book Just Good Friends comes HIGHLY recommended. Get a copy each. It is for both the cheated on and the straying partner.

Just want to say so sorry you are going through this NotaVictim.Almost 3 years on for me and I stayed with my DH but it was touch and go for the first year or so. NEVERMINDOHWELL thank you so much for your post.In hindsight it highlights things I did wrong and OP can benefit from your wisdom.I didn't insist my DH moved out for a while to give me time to process my feelings.It was accidentally discovered and completely turned my world upside down overnight.

My other mistake.I talked to the OW.I didn't rant and lose my dignity but I tried to get clarification and make sense of details by meeting her -as crazy as it sounds because our paths cross anyway as DH and I run a business that means contact with her at that time was almost inevitable.Or almost every day in my DHs case when they were arranging their lunchtime meetings to ' help' each other with work.

I shouldn't have given her the time of day.I did it because DH was minimising for the first few weeks, scared he would lose me if I found out how long it had been developing.I was just desperate to put the pieces of the awful jigsaw together, and that should have come from him, and him alone.
What I did do right is once I started to recover from the shock and become stronger - and I might add this is when the real anger kicked in - I determined to get on with MY life.Regardless of wether we stayed together or split up.Consequently old friendships are stronger and much valued.I have found a couple of wonderful new friends.I have developed a new hobby.I had individual counselling a year or so into recovery because I felt myself sinking and feeling very low.Relate was good up to a point.But I also felt we went far too early.I was too raw and in shock.As NEVERMINDOHWELL says I now feel a confident,self sufficient,kick ass woman in my own right.My DH knows this,has worked equally hard on himself and knows for certain I would never tolerate that level of deceit and disrespect again.
It's so early on for you to take all our posts in.But wishing you strength.