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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I found out yesterday, he's had an affair. Sympathetic advice needed.

129 replies

NotAVictim · 20/12/2012 04:16

Well I guess the title explains the thread. You'll have to excuse my clumsiness, I'm new here. Been reading and hovering for a while,but now am after some help, advice and support and no idea where to turn.

About 4 weeks ago I became suspicious that my husband was cheating on me. I had no proof, but my gut instincts were that something wasn't right, when he deleted a whole load of texts/call history from his phone before handing it to me as I wanted to look on it for a particular app. I also found a condom in his wallet about that time (he told me it had been in there for ages, since before we were trying to conceive our son, I'm not convinced it had been).... Two days ago, his phone bill came. Hundreds of pounds(!) of calls all to one mobile number. So I did the obvious and called it. My world is now shattered. He assures me that it's never been physical, that he's never met the OW. They met in a chat room, and exchanged details and its only been a month.

I am struggling to get my head around this. He has apologized and said he wants to be with me. He has deleted her details from his phone. I have said I am not leaving, and I have said that if he really does love me and want to still be with me I will try to work past this with him. We have a 3 year old son. We have been together 17 years and have been married for 8... i don't want to walk away from all that without a damn good fight for the future that we planned before he f**d it all up.

I am so angry, hurt..... devastated.

I would love some advice. He has agreed to go to Relate, and I was fortunate to get an appointment for tonight, so there's no backing out of that now.

I really would ask that people who wish to post "I should walk away and leave" refrain from adding those messages to the reply. I have made the decision to stay and try (not to say that it will end that way, but I feel I owe it to my son, if it all ends to be able to honestly say that I did everything I could to save my marriage)

I want advice on how to stop myself screaming at him every time I see him. I am so so hurt. I want to know know how to figure out where I start from. I want to know how other people in a similar situation have worked past this, and how to deal with the families. My family are refusing to speak to him as he lied to me 4 weeks ago when I asked him if was cheating then (and I defined cheating to him, and told him I felt that texts/calls and hiding things was as much cheating as a physical encounter). My in-laws have phoned him to say "they are on his side".... I feel like screaming at my family that "It's my decision to stay and that refusing to talk to my husband now, only impacts on my state of mind and my son" and screaming at my in-laws that "there shouldn't be sides!"

Sorry it's such a long post, I appreciate the time it would take to read.

Ellie x (Not my real name, but I felt like I needed to sign out)

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAVictim · 21/12/2012 11:27

I have no idea! He said I can see everything, but I think he has deleted all the texts, call history and websites already. He has shown me his emails (well I knew his password and check them myself) so I don't think there is anything else..... I am still being trickle fed truths.... Although I can't cope with more than that at the moment. He says he is fed up of me asking the same questions over and over, but I need to hear the answers are the same each time I ask the question. We are going round in circles constantly. #headf*ed

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 21/12/2012 11:30

You have decided to stay. But I think it will be very hard to move on and forgive and forget and build up trust again. I'd want to know if his story was true re never meeting her. But it's still a gross betrayal even if he didn't.

Ormiriathomimus · 21/12/2012 11:33

Hey notavictim. I know it feels like you are being bullied on here - I did too for a long while. It is good advice, tough love although the tough feels more than the love at times.

All I can say is, if you want to make it work you need him to be truthful with you. Not because knowing the truth will neccessarily make any difference to your reconciliation but he has to stop lying and he needs to understand why. A new marriage can't be built on lies.

And it takes time. 6 months down the line it is still so hard. I get so angry and hurt and confused and weak and unsure. My self-esteem is shot to bits. But if you are prepared for all that and more importantly HE is prepared to understand how much work he will have to do to help fix you and your marriage and address his crappy behaviour, you can give it a go. But make no promises - either to him or yourself. Nothing is set in stone. The other night i told H I wanted a divorce and I meant it for a few moments because I was in despair of ever being 'normal' again. It's a long hard road.

dequoisagitil · 21/12/2012 11:38

He's already fed up of the questions?! He's shit out of luck then, because you're bound to have questions for some time yet.

It will absolutely not help in the long-term if you try to refrain from expressing your anger, hurt and indeed from questioning him. This is a boil that needs to be lanced and all the pus squeezed out or it'll stay under the surface of your relationship forever.

Viviennemary · 21/12/2012 11:49

He's fed up of answering questions. I feel outraged on your behalf. If he's so fed up he should start coming up with some answers. He is the one in the wrong. Now he is attempting to turn the tables and make you out to be the unreasonable one. It's a ploy as old as time. Don't fall for it.

Abitwobblynow · 21/12/2012 12:01

"I am a control freak. It's really hard for me not to tell him what he needs to do to put it right. But I have now faced up to the fact that this is something I cannot fix."

Right. THIS is your issue, and THIS is something you have control over, ie you can work on it. Pain is sent to us, to learn. Believe me.

Three years on, I can see that the way we interact forms this dead space that an OW can dance into, and your rebellious good husband has found someone who doesn't tell him what to do, or mother him. We have to face our issues too, it isn't a blame thing it is a grow thing.

Don't excuse his decisions for a single second, but hell, if we don't learn anything from this hideousness and become better: whatever he does, what was it all for?

Throw him out. You need space and he needs space to think. Let go and live on your own for a bit and KNOW you will not die.

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 21/12/2012 13:44

You found out on Tuesday and he's already bored answering questions, ooh poor diddums. Yes I suppose it is a bit of a bore compared to the titillation of awaiting calls or texts from Miss PhoneMeBack, whose silken tones never mention rl issues like caring for a 3 year old son, or day to day life things like paying bills, remembering family birthdays, shopping or putting bins out.

He says he got affection from her, aka undivided attention or ego stroking. Isn't that lovely? And meanwhile, you got...?

I take a dim view of people in steady relationships twatting about, toying with a bit of wank fodder on the side, I expect I'm old fashioned like that. I'm glad you're getting angry OP channel it usefully.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas · 21/12/2012 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

familyscapegoat · 21/12/2012 14:36

Sorry I know you didnt want anyone to say this, but your husband is taking the piss and for your own self-respect, you should tell him it's over. He obviously thinks you will stay with him regardless and he's only sorry he's been caught out and that this little adventure is over for now.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/12/2012 15:21

So sorry he is still being a selfish twat - saying he's fed up with your questions, deleting lots of stuff, blaming you for not stroking his massive ego and so on.

He still does not want to work on saving his marriage.

What he needs is a massive dose of reality to shock him out of his fantasy fuelled affair bubble and that means telling him to go away.

Original poster
NotAVictim · 21/12/2012 15:34

I don't want it to be over. I really don't. I'm nearly 35, we were childhood sweethearts. Up til now he's been the most amazing husband and father. It may not seem like that from my posts as I'm struggling to see his good points after what's he's done these last weeks. But I am certain that this is a new thing. I don't think he's done this before. He was amazing with my mh problems up til recently, he's a good dad and he was my rock. I guess that what makes it even harder to come to terms with what he's done. I believed that he would never do this to me, that he wasn't the type.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAVictim · 21/12/2012 15:42

I don't want it to be over. I really don't. I'm nearly 35, we were childhood sweethearts. Up til now he's been the most amazing husband and father. It may not seem like that from my posts as I'm struggling to see his good points after what's he's done these last weeks. But I am certain that this is a new thing. I don't think he's done this before. He was amazing with my mh problems up til recently, he's a good dad and he was my rock. I guess that what makes it even harder to come to terms with what he's done. I believed that he would never do this to me, that he wasn't the type.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 21/12/2012 16:00

OP, I have been there before and so have many others on here - please believe us when we say that this is your best chance of saving the marriage. The more you make him feel loss and the more he has to fight for you, the more he will value you and his marriage.

Having everything on a plate - you, his cosy family, his home and OW will not motivate him to fight hard.

My DH wasn't the type either and it came as a huge body blow, like being run over by a train.

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/12/2012 16:02

Having everything he wants i,e you, his cosy family, his home and OW, will not motivate him to fight hard.

familyscapegoat · 21/12/2012 16:26

No-one's saying he's a bad man though. In fact what we are saying is that affairs make good men behave very badly. I believe you that he's always been a good husband and dad and that he's 'not the type'. Neither was my husband. The reason why is that there is no type - well.....apart from selfish men who need a rocket up their arse to get anything done or organised Wink

But he's still behaving like a complete arse and he simply doesn't 'get' the enormity of what he's done. If you tell him it's over, you don't have to mean it just yet. But it's as well that he thinks you do.

TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 21/12/2012 16:41

Imagine, for a moment, roles were reversed. For whatever reason, you'd indulged in an emotional affair, at the very least, squandered time and money, only getting caught by chance. Deleted call history, condom in your purse, etc.

Then picture yourself, drip feeding information grudgingly or baring your soul?

Embarrassed, looking for excuses, token effort at fixing it, trying to stifle debate? Or humiliated, ashamed, desperate to repair your marriage, acknowledging what you did, promising to work at it. All the time knowing you hurt the person meant to be closest. Your childhood sweetheart. Risking your future with them and your precious DS. Imagine, now compare and contrast with Husband.

This is a shock, and a mess, but fearing what might happen long term is not a reason to try and hold H's hand and make it all go away without him doing his fair share of the work..

Tamoo · 21/12/2012 16:52

Don't get so blinded by your desire to save your marriage that you ignore the truth about what's been going on.

Hundreds of pounds on phone calls? That's an awful lot of chatting for someone with whom he's struck up a casual acquaintance online. Does he talk to you as much as that?

He's been carrying a condom around in his wallet since before you started trying for a baby; so, what, four years or more? Really?

He says you can "see everything" on his phone and other accounts. Oh, wait, there's nothing to see, because it's all been deleted. You do realise the fact of deletion renders his apparent openness and honesty meaningless?

I think you started off on the back foot OP by immediately saying to him 'if you love me and want to be with me then we'll work through this.' That puts him in an icredibly powerful position: you've basically removed your own feelings from the equation. Now your real feelings (ie need for him to be honest and upfront) are coming through and he's getting pissed off.

Apologies if the above seems flippant but really there is no use brushing things under the carpet now in the hope love will conquer all in the end. I know it's hard especially around Christmas but I do feel at the very least you need to demonstrate to him the fact that he is not treating you with genuine honesty, decency or respect.

imdreamingofaskyebluechristmas · 21/12/2012 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NotAVictim · 21/12/2012 18:40

Thank you. I think I will ask him to go after Boxing Day. His family are supposed to be coming for new year though and I don't fancy explaining it to all of them. He's working Boxing Day anyway, so really it's not as if I have to spend more than one day with him. He's asked if him coming home tonight after staying at my mums last night. The thing I'm trying to work out now is the practicalities. I don't want to sleep downstairs on Christmas Eve and I don't want to sleep in our bed, but I need normality for Christmas Day for our son. We are going to sit down tonight and discuss some ground rules to get us through Christmas and my first one is the mobile phone gets switched off on Christmas Eve and kept off Christmas Day. I want to be the one to turn it on, and see what messages come through when I do

OP posts:
Doha · 21/12/2012 18:51

His family are supposed to be coming for new year though and I don't fancy explaining it to all of them

You don't have to do the explaining, it's not you that has spoiled their intended stay. You have nothing to apologise for.

Don't let the fact that it is new year sway your thinking

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2012 20:44

Why is it always the women that want to save everybody else's idea of what xmas and New year is about ?

did he think about that ?

is this your idea of how you wanted to spend the festive season ?

the Bank Holidays are just another day, compared to the rest of your life as a surrendered person who is obliged to switch off the common-sense part of her brain

don't do it to yourself

ImperialBlether · 21/12/2012 20:45

Abitwobblynow, do you know anyone who would buy the spyware for you? It seems wrong that you can't use it simply because he would know from your bank account.

ImperialBlether · 21/12/2012 20:49

Hang on a second, OP. Didn't you say your ILs phoned and said they were on his side? I would have NO compunction re telling them to stay away at New Year. None at all.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2012 20:55

me ?

I'd tell my visitors something had come up and I could no longer accomodate their visit

Make something up if you wish

Norovirus is a good and inarguable topical nasty that will keep people away in their droves

alternatively, tell the world the truth

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2012 21:02

ah, just realised you are the poster who will stay no matter what

just discount my last sentence then

(although you really shouldn't)