I found out yesterday, he's had an affair. Sympathetic advice needed.

[NotAVictim]

Well I guess the title explains the thread. You'll have to excuse my clumsiness, I'm new here. Been reading and hovering for a while,but now am after some help, advice and support and no idea where to turn.

About 4 weeks ago I became suspicious that my husband was cheating on me. I had no proof, but my gut instincts were that something wasn't right, when he deleted a whole load of texts/call history from his phone before handing it to me as I wanted to look on it for a particular app. I also found a condom in his wallet about that time (he told me it had been in there for ages, since before we were trying to conceive our son, I'm not convinced it had been).... Two days ago, his phone bill came. Hundreds of pounds(!) of calls all to one mobile number. So I did the obvious and called it. My world is now shattered. He assures me that it's never been physical, that he's never met the OW. They met in a chat room, and exchanged details and its only been a month.

I am struggling to get my head around this. He has apologized and said he wants to be with me. He has deleted her details from his phone. I have said I am not leaving, and I have said that if he really does love me and want to still be with me I will try to work past this with him. We have a 3 year old son. We have been together 17 years and have been married for 8... i don't want to walk away from all that without a damn good fight for the future that we planned before he f**d it all up.

I am so angry, hurt..... devastated.

I would love some advice. He has agreed to go to Relate, and I was fortunate to get an appointment for tonight, so there's no backing out of that now.

I really would ask that people who wish to post "I should walk away and leave" refrain from adding those messages to the reply. I have made the decision to stay and try (not to say that it will end that way, but I feel I owe it to my son, if it all ends to be able to honestly say that I did everything I could to save my marriage)

I want advice on how to stop myself screaming at him every time I see him. I am so so hurt. I want to know know how to figure out where I start from. I want to know how other people in a similar situation have worked past this, and how to deal with the families. My family are refusing to speak to him as he lied to me 4 weeks ago when I asked him if was cheating then (and I defined cheating to him, and told him I felt that texts/calls and hiding things was as much cheating as a physical encounter). My in-laws have phoned him to say "they are on his side".... I feel like screaming at my family that "It's my decision to stay and that refusing to talk to my husband now, only impacts on my state of mind and my son" and screaming at my in-laws that "there shouldn't be sides!"

Sorry it's such a long post, I appreciate the time it would take to read.

Ellie x (Not my real name, but I felt like I needed to sign out)

Please brace yourself for his story. I think your instincts were spot on about the condom as they were about the affair. I also think it is a colleague.

Hundreds of pounds on the phone is astounding. I would imagine cutting that contact for him is going to be difficult. As for letting you think you were Ill again - just so he could continue getting his legover...well...

If he is staying there, i think you will have to resign yourself for a Christmas of acting. Nothing needs to be decided or resolved until after that.

Best of luck.

Nothing to add- just please be kind to yourself. Male sure you do what you need to get through each day at first. Try to eat if u can manage it. Don't make big decisions yet.

Good luck x

I am so confused. I wish I'd never told my mum any of this as she wants every detail and I'm not prepared to discuss the ins and outs with her, what I want is support for my decision. He has said again tonight that he has never met her. He works in a majority male environment so I think I believe him when he says she isn't someone he works with. I'm finding it so hard and keep telling him want to do to make things right. He's never been good at making decisions so I have always lead the way and I can't seem to stop.

You're finding it hard because you're emotional, panicking and feeling that it's your responsibility to hold all of this together and fix the problem. With respect, 'never been good at making decisions' sounds like you think your husband is entitled to be irresponsible and you'll clear up the mess. This is is his mess this time... you cannot make this right.

Do either of you have a kindle? Download the Shirley Glass book. It will suggest what both of you should do step by step.

I expect you've had a bit of a parent-child relationship if you've been the driving force in your marriage. It astonished me (after the event) how much of a risk factor this was to an affair happening but the truth is that people who are bad at taking personal responsibility are especially vulnerable to seeking thrills elsewhere.

Your mum probably feels guilty for telling you that you were imagining things, so I understand her fury with him, but some of that is displaced anger with herself for giving him the benefit of the doubt. But she does need to back off now and be there only if you need to talk. This isn't her drama.

Has he handed over phone bills and messages saved yet?

Now he's been found out in so many lies, it just won't cut it any more to expect you to believe that he didn't meet her, without proof. If he's deleted everything and hasn't yet handed anything over, I think that says it all.

If he could prove that he hadn't met up with her, don't you think he would have saved it all and shown you now? Or found some way beyond words to prove to you he was telling the truth? That's the instinctive thing isn't it?

I wish you hadn't told him about the password change, I think you got bad advice there.

Why? Because you don't trust him. Why? BECAUSE HE IS UNTRUSTWORTHY.

At the moment he is a complete headfuck to you. He has been lying, will minimise what he can get away with, will lie 100% about himself, his feelings, his thoughts, what he really has been doing (and why) and you will be spending HOURS, DAYS of the next YEAR thinking about nothing else. So that account? Was your one handle on the 100% truth. Pity you lost it.

People who have never been in an affair, even therapists, do tend to apply the rules of 'fairness' to destructive situations. (Lundy Bancroft says that this adds to the problem of destructive relationships, because the assumption of fairness and 50/50 works in his favour).

Before, the innocent me would never have dreamed of checking up on him. Never, in any situation. Now I don't trust him an inch. I don't check up on him because I am a decent person and I can't find a way to buy the spy kit online where he can't see it but now I know how much he lied and how much he still defends his fragile ego over my pain, there is no way of me knowing the truth.

(sorry, left out 'your one handle on the 100% truth, so you could compare his words with his actions).

THIS is the headfuck. You simply have no way of knowing whether what you are being told is the truth and it is torture.

Unless you have other means of verifying (which I was always too scared to do. I enabled a lot of my own hurt).

So, when people tell you you 'shouldn't' 'snoop' (as though you were in a healthy relationship? You are not, you are in a destructive hurtful one you need to protect your sense of reality and they are WRONG.

I'm in a whole new stage of anger this morning. I presumed that she'd chased him. But it turns out she would phone him and ask him to phone her back, which would explain the "I really fancy some chocolate, I'm heading to the shops" comments. He was a puppy dog to her. Nothing new came out last night, except details of how they would text to arrange a time to call, which he hadn't told me, but that I'd figured already. He said he really has never met her, he really did meet her in a chat room, and he never had any plans for a physical relationship with this woman. That he just wanted some affection that he wasn't getting from Me. (I know that does not excuse his actions in any way. I'm a full time worker, caring for a 3year old with him and trying to study for a degree that he told me he'd support me to do, knowing that it would mean less time for us) I'm a mess again. And like yesterday I find myself outside work bawling again. I have no idea how were going to get through Christmas Day. Little boy is at Nanny's tonight and we are going to sit down and write a list of ground rules for Christmas to help me get through the day. I need that. I need to regain some control, even if just for Christmas Day.

Ellie x

Oh Ellie, what a horrible time you're having.

If you need some space, please ask him to stay away for a bit.

In your op, you said he admitted to one month of it, but you suspected it one month earlier - so is he saying after the big row, he decided yes, he would do it? Or had it actually been going on for longer?

Just get through work today x

Blaming you is pretty standard. Doesn't sound like a repentant man to me... sounds like a resentful, condescending, attention-seeking one, nose put out because you have a life of your own. I know it's Christmas but I'd also be asking him to stay away for a while because all the time you stick around tolerating this crap you're just confirming to him that you can be treated badly and it's no big deal.

How has his life changed?

You are putting up with so much crap from this man - I really think you need to tell him to go away for a couple of days now.

How dare he blame your "lack of affection" - he is not taking any responsibility at all isn't he? He is NOT at all sorry for the pain he has caused - otherwise he would be on his knees begging for forgiveness, showing you his emails/texts to prove his story etc.

He is following The Script re not getting affection from you, isn't he?

Trying to divert blame.

It is Not About what you did or didn't give or do.

If you are not getting affection from someone the best thing to do is give them more, not turn elsewhere.

And you are fully entitled to "snoop" - he has proved he's a liar and there is so much at stake here including your MH so I would try and find out as much as you can by doing some digging.

I am a control freak. It's really hard for me not to tell him what he needs to do to put it right. But I have now faced up to the fact that this is something I cannot fix. If I tell him what to do he is just doing the motions. It's so hard though. He has text me this morning to say he hasn't slept, and that he's going in circles. I have resisted in replying. But it feels like I'm playing games. I don't want to play games. I want honesty, on both sides. I really do believe it hasn't gone further, I believe it a only lasted a month and when I was suspicious 4 weeks ago it was the start of it all. What I am struggling to believe is that he was never planning to meet up with this person. I think he hadn't planned anything, but I'm pretty certain that of he hasn't been caught out he may well have arranged something in future. Can he be guilty of something that he may have done in future? Or do I let that go.... He says its over and he's sorry, and I believe it's over, the apology I'm not so sure about though.... I guess at some point I will reach that decision, but I'm still very much at the "I can't believe you've done this to me" stage of things.

Also, I am angry that 4 Weeks ago when I asked him out right if anything was going on he lied to me, he lied bare faced to my family too. Based on those lies he convinced my mum and sister to trust him. Am I really a mug? I still think I should stay with him, but I really wondering how if its because I'm too scared to go out there on my own, to admit we failed.....

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Head is screwed up

Ellie

What happened at Relate?

o2 told you the name of the woman?

How?

The problem is that without space it is unlikely he will be able to think for himself and start taking responsibility.

Its not about playing games.

Its about changing unhealthy behaviour patterns and attitudes.

You need to back off and leave him to it.

I cannot recommend getting Shirley Glass's book enough.

Don't make decisions about staying with him yet as its far too soon and you are not yet in full possession of all the facts and you haven't processed your emotions.

Remember that success depends on HIM working hard and so far there I don't see anything from him that indicates he will do the work.

Christmaswhine, The other woman has the same name as me. Husband had already told me that. Whe I phoned O2 they asked for my surname twice, but didnt check my first name and then asked me if I was known by a different surname, and whilst they didn't confirm the other woman's first name, it was obvious that the first name is the same as mine. I still don't know her surname

Relate was mostly form filling in and trying to find out what we want to achieve. Real work will start in the new year

You said yesterday that:

"He has sworn again that it went no further than chat rooms, texts and calls and has told me when I'm ready he will sit down with me and show me everything if that's what I want."

Has that happened yet?

No that hasn't happened, but I stayed at my mums last night. She babysat whilst we went to relate, and had I have stayed at home it would have meant a 4am start to get to my mums to pick up little one to get him to nursery at 7.30 this morning. I will be expecting to see it tonigh!

What is it you're expecting to see?

He's had plenty of time to doctor it all then.